Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Long story short, my mom randomly brought up the pedophile last night along with my dad, I slept horribly and maybe I would be glad I at least slept but the nightmares were awful, so I awoke dissociated and unsure what time or year it was, and it took me so long to come back to Earth that I had no time for food (not like there is much) or to leave on time. Did some quick math and got there on time anyway. Didn’t matter anyway, because the person who was supposed to interview me wasn’t even present. They asked me for my name and sent me away. Drove an hour and twenty minutes total for no reason.

Wasted a lot of gas doing this. Still hoping they call me back anyway.

On the way to my car I found my cat had brought me a vole. She had two pups on her breasts that were being bitten by venomous ants. Rescued them. Bought them some food. I’m going to go attempt to feed them now with a fine paint brush. No rehabilitation centers nearby do rodents, so I will give it my best shot. Luckily, I’ve done this before. I even know how to help them go to the bathroom (they may not be able to on their own yet.) Wish them luck, guys.

At least the cat has a job, I guess. Sort of wish I could tell him to leave them alone if they have babies literally on them.

 

[littleoc]

I was polite and friendly and enthusiastic at the place of the interview. I’m sure no one knows I’m dysregulated. It just sounds like it here because in the past eight days I think I’ve gotten six hours of sleep.

 

[littleoc]

Wildlife centers won’t get back to me until tomorrow morning. I am not optimistic about the babies making it through the night, but... I did get one to poo finally! So it’s something. About to offer more milk. Maybe check around and make sure they were the only two.

 

[littleoc]

I wish I could responde correctly to my mom’s sorrow here. I just keep changing the subject. I hate it when people do that. Why am I doing that? Probably fear. And not wanting to get that personal about this. I don’t know. I do know I’m really tired and now is a bad time to talk about things. And maybe she might bring in parts of my life that’s are dangerous, and maybe I’ll want to tell the actual truth and she wont talk to me for days, because she’ll be blaming herself. And I’m too closely related to be giving therapist-like advice.

I finally understand why doctors don’t treat their own patients. The balance of power is crazy. The fristration when the bad thing about happen that should have been preventable. I don’t think I’m even angry, I just feel unheard, again. It’s the thing with my little brother‘s suicide attempt all overcome again, according to my brain.

I guess that’s what I get for being calculating and not sharing with my mom. Though, it’s highly likely sharing would have messed up the work I did. It was hard, too, because I had to battle my feelings of hoping I wasn’t being manipulative AND im gay, and she (his wife) says she hates gay people. She thinks she’s got control over me, and it triggers the feelings I had when I wasn’t Fungus for Brandi. I accepted it and know she has no power here. She is mostly ignorant, but she’s also very dangerous. I sort of just want to never talk to my brothers again, but I know that’s not an option. Why bother working this far into it otherwise? She even invited me over to see their baby. Who will probably STILL die even with all I’ve done so far. Ugh ugh ugh. I need to just remember that I’m not responsible for this. Even though I know I could put blame on myself, too.

 

[littleoc]

Feeding the baby voles is really grounding. I hope they make it.

 

[littleoc]

Y’all are quiet/not around! (I’m not complaining, to be clear!) I hope it’s because you’re having a good life. Hugs all around just in case. :hug: :hug: Are you all doing okay? I’d apologize for not being in your diaries, but, well, you know what I mean (probably).

I know it’s my diary but you guys are neat people and I really respect all of your strengths and genius. Thanks for the support so far. (And since I know tone is difficult in writing — I am not saying that passive aggressively, I’m just coming out of dysregulation and suddenly wondering how y’all are doing, but also I really need to do cat litter because I forgot about it this past few days. Also I’m tired. But I genuinely hope you’re all doing well and if not I hope this hug helps :hug: )

 

[littleoc]

Oh, heres something funny:

As I got in my car earlier, I turned it on and the (yellow) check engine light came on. :( My immediate reaction was to turn off the car again, and make sure it wasn’t another electrical thing, like it was doing when the alternator went out (though, that also included two more indicators, but whatever). When I turned the car back on, it was still there. But it was steady, not blinking, so I took a deep breath and told myself that it might not be something horrible and expensive.

I decided to turn it off again and check everything really quick to make sure it wasn’t something obvious. But everything looked good... which made me more anxious because I had forgotten to top off my coolant levels for almost a month after the light had come on. I was worried about the gasket. (But not the catalytic converter, at least! My brother had that and it was pricey.)

I thought on a whim to just check my gas cap... and lo and behold, it was a little loose...

When I tightened it, the “check engine” light turned off. Phew.

Weird! I guess my car is too old to have sensor specifically for that. I’m pretty relieved that’s all it was.

Also Nestle and I thought we saw a cat in the middle of the road who had been hit by a car, while we were on our walk. So of course I approached and asked her calmly if she was awake or hearing me. I saw some breathing. But also realized that it look like there was matted fur and a possible dog bite, but a very mild one, like the dog had picked it up, shaken it, and then stopped. So I went to look at it’s head, and it’s head was by its tail, and I suddenly realized I was standing right in front of a giant possum.

She turned out to be okay, luckily. She lifted up her head like she was dazed, then blinked a few times, looked at us, and as my mom drove down the road (so I could put Nestle somewhere safe while I figured out if the animal needed help) (Nestle was very excited (but still a good girl)) the possum got up and walked slowly into the woods. So hopefully she will be okay. It’s not like I could really help her much after she became conscious enough to leave — how would I put her in anything when she’s most likely to bite? (At least they don’t carry rabies!)

 

[Freida]

. I do know I’m really tired and now is a bad time to talk about things.

Uhhhmm. Yeah it's a bad time! You are exhausted..you shouldn't be having any bad conversations! Tell her she can talk about it once you've gotten some sleep...and walk away

need to just remember that I’m not responsible for thiso.

good girl
you can't help others who don't want your help...which sucks but....

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi @littleoc. We're here. You're not alone. I've been following along but I didn't want to interrupt your thoughts. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today!

I was thinking about how you feel responsible for everyone and everything in your life. Mom. Brothers. Sister. Nephew. Animals. Your Mom's hoard. Bugs. Plants etc. etc.

You're not.... Your family are all adults they can take care of themselves. Mom has mental health issues. How can that possibly be your responsibility?? IT'S NOT.

You need to take care of yourself right now.

I was also thinking about your job search... What about working with animals? A veteranarian hospital or a animal shelter or the zoo. You would be a great asset to any of those establishments.

Hugs coming your way!!
XO

 

[Freida]

Yes! What @LuckiLee said!

 

[LuckiLee]

Thinking about you. You ok?

 

[littleoc]

Yes! I’m sorry. I read your words without signing in, and have been considering them. I didn’t mean to leave you hanging that long though, my bad.

I’ll answer properly soon. I think I’m having a mild panic attack of some kind, but I know I can take control of things and hopefully get hired before it’s too late. About to loose everything though.

Crazy that lack of money is getting to me. Last Monday I was trapped in a life threatening situations for thirty minutes straight and I haven’t been able to get enough sleep since then. So tired. You’d think the panic attack would be related to being in a car far from home with a tornado running at me, but no. It’s money issues.

Trying to be understanding with my mom. Maybe I should just tell her I’m frustrated? No. It probably wouldn’t go anywhere useful.

My new therapist gave me a sticky note to read though, @LuckiLee, that made me this of this though. It says “I am NOT the parent.” So, I’m doing all this money wasting for my own survival. I feel very sad for my mom but also very angry. Very angry, all the time. I can’t sleep when the thoughts come in. But since Monday I’ve been so exhausted. But the adrenaline rush saved my ass so whatever, lol.

It’s a fun story, honestly, so I’ll tell it when I’m not this amount of stress. It was fine, it was a weak ass tornado and because of the hail I’m not sure how close I was to it by the time it crossed the interstate.