The legend of zencat

[ChildofGod]

Hello random guy. I was in therapy earlier this year. I need to find another therapist. The funny thing is, I don't feel depressed. No one wants to be dirty. I lost 75 pounds and started working out. Walking around and dancing help. Pretty sure that my thinking is flawed.

I write, I doodle, have tons of self help books.

I'm calling my doctor in the morning and see what she says.

Thank you for your great input.

 

[frogthroat]

I'm calling my doctor in the morning and see what she says.

That's a great idea. You need some professional assistance with this part of your journey. Congratulations on your weight loss though! I've tackled my alcoholism and losing weight is my next step.
@somerandomguy is right though. Trauma brain causes us to do things that we know doesn't make sense. I gained lots of weight during a part of my trauma and I haven't been able to lose any of it until about a year ago. Plus, it's taken 2 years of therapy with EMDR to get to where I could quit drinking and be ready to eat better. Sometimes thoughts are so ingrained we need that extra support.

 

[ChildofGod]

Thank you. I am going to reschedule because of the weather. Congats on not drinking. It wasn't hard for me to lose weight. I didn't know if I was capable. It's been mostly painless for me. I was finally able to cut a lot of sugar out of my diet. I never drink pop anymore. I like to eat healthier now.

 

[ChildofGod]

Hot and cold weather are my triggers. I had to dress inappropriately for my age. I used to be so ashamed of my body, not that there was anything wrong, (besides beatings, starvation and hard labor) it was because I blamed myself over and over and over everytime something bad happened to me.

I feel if I had looked different or had been the same race as my adopted mother, maybe that wouldn't have happened or been so severe.

I am no longer mad at my body or hate it. I've bought pretty and feminine clothes.

I used to dress up a lot at different times but stopped at age 30. I gained weight on purpose to feel safer. That doesn't matter to predators.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading it.

I would say I had body dysmorphic disorder, but not anymore. I felt great shame about my body and race for a long time.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Thanks for sharing. One thing I do is put my palms over my eyes to relax my eyes if sleep isn't happening.

 

[ChildofGod]

You are welcome. That is a wonderful idea. I am sick of being stressed out about sleep.

 

[ChildofGod]

I am back to barely any sleep. I feel completely oppressed by my home enviroment. Maybe I overreacted to a situation, or not. I wonder if I am delusional from my paranoias.

I never feel safe and my family is useless, uncaring and selfish.

It took me over 30 years to realize what my second stepfather did to me. It's taken 19-20 years since I dated this guy whose friend SA whenever I had too much to drink, which was everytime that I drank.

I am sick of disappointments and parental failures and excuses. I am sick of begging anyone in my family for love and support.

I feel great in one aspect, I took off 10 inches of hair. I don't recall the last time I had short hair.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I am back to barely any sleep. I feel completely oppressed by my home enviroment. Maybe I overreacted to a situation, or not. I wonder if I am delusional from my paranoias.

I never feel safe and my family is useless, uncaring and selfish.

It took me over 30 years to realize what my second stepfather did to me. It's taken 19-20 years since I dated this guy whose friend SA whenever I had too much to drink, which was everytime that I drank.

I am sick of disappointments and parental failures and excuses. I am sick of begging anyone in my family for love and support.

I feel great in one aspect, I took off 10 inches of hair. I don't recall the last time I had short hair.

Hang in there Zencat!

 

[ChildofGod]

Thank you! I can finally relax/bathe/sleep because I'm no longer ran by fear. I put these steps together:
I have been kidnapped at least 3 times? One was attempted.

I was reminded of the maintence guy by the guy who didn't want to let me go, by the same tokens:
Both used a work vehicle,

I overeacted from my paranoia and ptsd. I can't tell you for sure what kind of person the maitance guy is that works here. . He just reminded me of that situation, with absolute terror.

I have loathed the heat because of that,
I was scared of all 4th of July celebrations but didn't know why.
This happened on the 4th of July night. I had to walk aways after, understably scared.
It was a neighborhood I lived in before, knew certaih people, ect.
Sorry for so long. I am just happy I can live without fear running and ruining my life anymore.I broke it's grip it had on me, total control. Every aspect.

 

[ChildofGod]

Thanks for your support. I can't edit it but it was the next morning. I was also terribly hungover which probably put me in that position. (Too much to drink the night before, regardless, it should never happen to anyone, no matter what state they are in. But if you are highly impaired, you become an easier target. (IMO)

 

[ChildofGod]

Can anyone help for being kidnapped? I was held against my will for a weekend as a teenager. I think the guy might have been a pimp, but I'm not sure. Writing about this is creeping me out but I don't know how to ask for help. Thanks for reading.

 

[Freida]

I know that, thank you. If I am not so clean, I won't be a target. (My thinking) You are being so helpful and kind. I appreciate it fully.

this is so very, very common. Can you flip it around and make staying clean as a reward for yourself against the people who made you feel this way?

Can anyone help for being kidnapped? I was held against my will for a weekend as a teenager. I think the guy might have been a pimp, but I'm not sure. Writing about this is creeping me out but I don't know how to ask for help. Thanks for reading.

that's pretty common around here - so you aren't alone if that helps. EMDR can be really successful and any decent T should be able to help . Think in terms of layers of trauma. It's all bad - this is just it's own layer to be worked on.