Relationship Fractured Relationship Trust. How have you gotten past it?

[EmpoweredGirl]

Hey all.

I’ve visited the forum for years and found many instances of helpful advice from both supporters and survivors. It’s a beautiful thing to know that you aren’t the only one going through certain things. I am a supporter I have known my survivor for years. He is a military vet with PTSD. We officially committed about 2 years ago. This has been no easy road. He isolates when he is upset and I have been able to cope with it through realizing it’s his choice and deciding that I was ok with accepting that. I typically leave him be during isolation. I focus on myself and then he comes back and we move forward.

However, for the first time I made a mistake, a bad decision that he believes violated his trust. In my mind the decision wasn’t aggregious. In his mind it was. I thought he may have been cheating and I reached out to his ex and it ended up not being the case. In my mind, at the time, I was simply asking a question. In retrospect I see the error that was made in going outside of us to have a question answered. I am no victim here I have been transparent with him and taken accountability for my decisions. These recent periods of isolation have been hard for me because deep down I know I did something that hurt him and our foundational trust. That’s tough for me.

I am clear that we can not “make anyone forgive and or trust us” . But I am curious on if anyone here has experienced a loss in trust with their surporters and how you were able to make it through? Also vice versa any violations of trust with supporters that you were able to make it through?

 

[EmpoweredGirl]

I’d really be interested in your perspectives @Sweetpea76 @LuckiLee I’m not sure if I posted this in the right category.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is a tough one... trust is hard-won. It took me forever to get it, and I’m sure he watches me like a hawk for reasons not to trust. I think the only thing that’ll fix this is time and consistency. Lesson learned, right?

 

[EmpoweredGirl]

This is a tough one... trust is hard-won. It took me forever to get it, and I’m sure he watches me like a hawk for reasons not to trust. I think the only thing that’ll fix this is time and consistency. Lesson learned, right?

Yes lesson learned would be an understatement! Especially when you think about the time it takes to earn their trust to begin with. Gosh we can’t change the past but this is one situation where I wish I could.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes we can’t know something until we mess it up. There is no instruction manual.

 

[sunisstillshining]

Hey all.

I’ve visited the forum for years and found many instances of helpful advice from both supporters and survivors. It’s a beautiful thing to know that you aren’t the only one going through certain things. I am a supporter I have known my survivor for years. He is a military vet with PTSD. We officially committed about 2 years ago. This has been no easy road. He isolates when he is upset and I have been able to cope with it through realizing it’s his choice and deciding that I was ok with accepting that. I typically leave him be during isolation. I focus on myself and then he comes back and we move forward.

However, for the first time I made a mistake, a bad decision that he believes violated his trust. In my mind the decision wasn’t aggregious. In his mind it was. I thought he may have been cheating and I reached out to his ex and it ended up not being the case. In my mind, at the time, I was simply asking a question. In retrospect I see the error that was made in going outside of us to have a question answered. I am no victim here I have been transparent with him and taken accountability for my decisions. These recent periods of isolation have been hard for me because deep down I know I did something that hurt him and our foundational trust. That’s tough for me.

I am clear that we can not “make anyone forgive and or trust us” . But I am curious on if anyone here has experienced a loss in trust with their surporters and how you were able to make it through? Also vice versa any violations of trust with supporters that you were able to make it through?

Have you been able to attend counseling together? It might be helpful to sorting through the violation of trust and steps that you can take towards rebuilding it. I have had breaks in trust in relationships before, but some were relationships that could not be repaired. It sometimes helps to have a professional to be able to help you sort that out though. Let me know if you would like additional resources on the topic.

 

[LuckiLee]

It is a tough one. All you can do is be open and honest from here on out. And your actions have to match your words. J says all kinds of off the wall things about trust when he's in ptsd mode. My actions match my words.

From what I've learned here though when trust like that is broken it can definitely be the end of things.

You thought he was cheating. So clearly you don't trust him either. If there's no trust....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But I am curious on if anyone here has experienced a loss in trust with their surporters and how you were able to make it through?

Yep. My dad. And the trust was never earned back and the relationship is forever fractered.

Not sure if this will be the case for you but trust is super hard to earn back for me. Super duper hard!

 

[candor]

Personally I would ask the ex if I had my doubts. I know many men that out of fear of loosing you will not tell you the truth. You cannot be sure you get the truth but I am fine with asking. I tell myself that I am accepting of isolation but it can drive anyone crazy with doubt. If anything it has taught me not to invent stories. The story that someone trusts you 100% is just that...a story we choose to believe. I believe that you were being authentic and yes you could have gone to him first but choosing not to seems to reflect more of what you were really feeling. Do what is right for you.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m a sufferer and yeah... one of my biggest regrets in relationships is times I searched for reasons to distrust someone trustworthy. I’ve lost several relationships because I so deeply struggled to trust and sometimes didn’t even know what trust would look like. I had known fear and survival for so long... it was like learning a new language to learn to trust again, and I still am learning it.

And here is how hard it can be to sort out: what you did wouldn’t have bugged me a bit. But other things he would be ok with you doing... may be something that scares the crap out of me.

There is also the dynamic of a sufferer pushing a supporter away before they can reject the sufferer. The fact that you were in a moment of struggling to trust him about cheating might have stirred up a fear for him that you were going to leave and thus he found a reason to run from you instead.

Repairing is something I’ve been able to do with supporters that broke my trust. It takes a mix of boundaries and humility. Beyond, “I’m sorry, I’m listening, I’m working on not doing that again...” and living that out, I am not sure what else a supporter can do to try to help build trust again. It will take his willingness to try again.

 

[scout86]

One of the things I've learned from reading here is that "normal" people often think "isolating" is a thing that's directed at THEM. Maybe "normal" people actually do that? From a PTSD perspective, it's usually something else. Sometimes it's feeling so overwhelmed that you don't think you can negotiate the complexities of an important relationship. (And many times that's really true.) Sometimes it's feeling like you're such a waste skin you owe it to people not to bother them. (Also may or may not be true, I guess.)

So, maybe, from his perspective, him "isolating" isn't something that he expects to freak you out. Therefore there was no reason to not trust him. Have you talked to him about what his behavior, this particular behavior, feels like from your perspective? Maybe if he can understand that, it would be easier to understand how you handled it.

Just my own, personal, take on this sort of thing, if someone doesn't trust me (and i think I usually come off as pretty trustworthy), it bothers me. It would be a huge problem in a serious relationship.)