Relationship Anxiety high

[Woundedhealer]

He texted tonight and said he’s working lots and he’s not with anyone else!
I just responded with thank you and have a safe night!

 

[Butterfly64]

He texted tonight and said he’s working lots and he’s not with anyone else!
I just responded with thank you and have a safe night!

I know that feeling all too well....is he with another woman? I completely understand, why you have no self control and think the worst possible thoughts! My ex of two years has a lot of female friends. He is extremely attractive and charming and women are crazy about him. To make things worse, he had sex a few times with some of these friends before we went from being friends to more. One of them he had sex with over a few months, but that was 14 years ago....so a long time ago, but she is still crazy about him. So before he moved to his new house in January, we were neighbors and although he sometimes feels like isolating from the world, he is quite good at staying social and these female friends are a big part of his life....which tore me apart! I know that he is not interested in these women at all! He was never in love with them...it was just sex. So when we were neighbors and involved I would often see that one of his female friends was visiting him....as I live in the country side with a forest just opposite my house, I would often see him walk by with one of this friends with his dog...torture! And when he pulled away from me for a week, 10 days or two weeks and could still see these women....agony! So I know what you are going through. I know that my ex and I were exclusive....even though he desperately claimed that we were not in a relationship....he claims that he will stay single his entire life and he cannot cope with “expectations and obligations” and I really don’t think you have to worry about your guy seeing other women either!
The problem for most of us supporters, especially if our sufferer isn’t good at communicating that he/she has to pull away for a while, that it has nothing to do with us, that all the feelings are still there....is that when we know that they can socialize with everybody but us...that hurts! It took my ex two years to admit to something that I had to figure out for myself....namely that he only pulled away from me, because being with his friends and family was much easier because he didn’t have to relate to them...they have no expectations of him...whereas he feels guilty towards me for not being able to enter a relationship with me...and that probably goes for your guy as well...being around other people is easier for him sometimes...because he cares more for you than he does for them. That is why it took my ex two years to admit to that...because that entailed admitting how much I mean to him....and admitting that was “dangerous”.

So take a deep breath ? and remember that he loves you...that is why he pulls away from you...my ex never informed me, that he needed to pull away for a little while...I asked him to...but he never did. I learned to leave him alone....I didn’t contact him even though it ripped me apart to see the cars of his female friends parked outside his house. And he always came back to me...right up till I left him in May.

 

[Wounded healer]

He texted me tonight after reading my letter and said he would try and we’ve been chatting via tex all night ... I couldn’t ask for more ! And I told him that trying is all I ask for! I’m so extremely thankful for everyone’s input and this forum cause I feel hope again!

 

[Woundedhealer]

I know that feeling all too well....is he with another woman? I completely understand, why you have no self control and think the worst possible thoughts! My ex of two years has a lot of female friends. He is extremely attractive and charming and women are crazy about him. To make things worse, he had sex a few times with some of these friends before we went from being friends to more. One of them he had sex with over a few months, but that was 14 years ago....so a long time ago, but she is still crazy about him. So before he moved to his new house in January, we were neighbors and although he sometimes feels like isolating from the world, he is quite good at staying social and these female friends are a big part of his life....which tore me apart! I know that he is not interested in these women at all! He was never in love with them...it was just sex. So when we were neighbors and involved I would often see that one of his female friends was visiting him....as I live in the country side with a forest just opposite my house, I would often see him walk by with one of this friends with his dog...torture! And when he pulled away from me for a week, 10 days or two weeks and could still see these women....agony! So I know what you are going through. I know that my ex and I were exclusive....even though he desperately claimed that we were not in a relationship....he claims that he will stay single his entire life and he cannot cope with “expectations and obligations” and I really don’t think you have to worry about your guy seeing other women either!
The problem for most of us supporters, especially if our sufferer isn’t good at communicating that he/she has to pull away for a while, that it has nothing to do with us, that all the feelings are still there....is that when we know that they can socialize with everybody but us...that hurts! It took my ex two years to admit to something that I had to figure out for myself....namely that he only pulled away from me, because being with his friends and family was much easier because he didn’t have to relate to them...they have no expectations of him...whereas he feels guilty towards me for not being able to enter a relationship with me...and that probably goes for your guy as well...being around other people is easier for him sometimes...because he cares more for you than he does for them. That is why it took my ex two years to admit to that...because that entailed admitting how much I mean to him....and admitting that was “dangerous”.

So take a deep breath ? and remember that he loves you...that is why he pulls away from you...my ex never informed me, that he needed to pull away for a little while...I asked him to...but he never did. I learned to leave him alone....I didn’t contact him even though it ripped me apart to see the cars of his female friends parked outside his house. And he always came back to me...right up till I left him in May.

And that would be anguish!!! Sending you love! You deserve better than this!!! Thank you for sharing!

 

[Butterfly64]

And that would be anguish!!! Sending you love! You deserve better than this!!! Thank you for sharing!

Thanks....I do deserve better...most of us do ? and some of us stay way too long with our sufferer, because we believe that we can love PTSD out of them...when the only thing we can do, is offer love and support...which only helps them, if they are capable of receiving it, which my ex wasn’t. I know he misses me...over a period of a month he texted me five times, if we could continue....I said no, because he can’t be in a committed relationship...he can be exclusive with me, but there won’t be any intimacy e.g. kissing and cuddling because that is official relationship in his book...yeah he is a regular Pretty woman in that sense; he loves intimacy, but can’t act on it...that is too dangerous for him. Last week he blogged me on Messenger, because as he said; I can’t control having you on Messenger, it messes with my head....if I blog you it may help me finding me. I miss him a lot, but taking one day at a time moving on...he is not in therapy and even if he decides to go to therapy and comes back to me and says he is willing to give us a try in regards to a relationship....I am not sure I want him back...my heart wants to...my mind doesn’t

 

[Woundedhealer]

Thanks....I do deserve better...most of us do ? and some of us stay way too long with our sufferer, because we believe that we can love PTSD out of them...when the only thing we can do, is offer love and support...which only helps them, if they are capable of receiving it, which my ex wasn’t. I know he misses me...over a period of a month he texted me five times, if we could continue....I said no, because he can’t be in a committed relationship...he can be exclusive with me, but there won’t be any intimacy e.g. kissing and cuddling because that is official relationship in his book...yeah he is a regular Pretty woman in that sense; he loves intimacy, but can’t act on it...that is too dangerous for him. Last week he blogged me on Messenger, because as he said; I can’t control having you on Messenger, it messes with my head....if I blog you it may help me finding me. I miss him a lot, but taking one day at a time moving on...he is not in therapy and even if he decides to go to therapy and comes back to me and says he is willing to give us a try in regards to a relationship....I am not sure I want him back...my heart wants to...my mind doesn’t

Oh I totally get the heart versus the mind ! And I feel bad telling you this but my man showed up to my place tonight, picked me up and we spent a wonderful night together... he is opening up and sharing with me his story. All I can say is patience, love and and believing in what you have! But do what’s right for you!

 

[Butterfly64]

Oh I totally get the heart versus the mind ! And I feel bad telling you this but my man showed up to my place tonight, picked me up and we spent a wonderful night together... he is opening up and sharing with me his story. All I can say is patience, love and and believing in what you have! But do what’s right for you!

Don’t feel bad! I am glad for you! Your man is obviously in a better place than my ex was and that is good? I was VERY patient with my ex for two years, but that got me nowhere...over the last year he just backed away from me more and more due to me needing more than what he could give...and still, he was not able to let me go. It would have been much easier for him, to have a “friend with benefits”...somebody he had no feelings for. Instead he kept coming back to me...even when he knew, I would push for more intimacy and something resembling a relationship. Being with me was not easy for him, it messed up his head even more...feeling guilty for not being able to give me what I craved. When he eventually understood that I was not giving in this time, he had to block me on Messenger in order not to be tempted to contact me and beg me to “just being casual, but exclusive”. I still miss him...some days when I am able to focus on tending to my house and garden, my days are okay (although he is ALWAYS on my mind has been for over two years, which is exhausting) and some days are pretty horrible. He is seven minutes away by car...tempting to just go back to him and with my knew knowledge of PTSD I got from being on this Forum, try to handle him differently...but I can’t...my patience with him is zero.
I keep my fingers crossed for you and hope you will keep us updated ?

 

[Wounded healer]

Don’t feel bad! I am glad for you! Your man is obviously in a better place than my ex was and that is good? I was VERY patient with my ex for two years, but that got me nowhere...over the last year he just backed away from me more and more due to me needing more than what he could give...and still, he was not able to let me go. It would have been much easier for him, to have a “friend with benefits”...somebody he had no feelings for. Instead he kept coming back to me...even when he knew, I would push for more intimacy and something resembling a relationship. Being with me was not easy for him, it messed up his head even more...feeling guilty for not being able to give me what I craved. When he eventually understood that I was not giving in this time, he had to block me on Messenger in order not to be tempted to contact me and beg me to “just being casual, but exclusive”. I still miss him...some days when I am able to focus on tending to my house and garden, my days are okay (although he is ALWAYS on my mind has been for over two years, which is exhausting) and some days are pretty horrible. He is seven minutes away by car...tempting to just go back to him and with my knew knowledge of PTSD I got from being on this Forum, try to handle him differently...but I can’t...my patience with him is zero.
I keep my fingers crossed for you and hope you will keep us updated ?

I will for sure keep everyone updated! I’m going to need the support here if I’m going to take this journey! I’m going in with eyes wide open and I know it’s going to be a bumpy ride! But him saying he’ll do his best is all I can ask for! He’s my love and I’m willing to give it my best shot. I’m going to continue to take care of me though... that’s what this has taught me and for that I’ll be forever grateful! I’m so sorry your situation isn’t ideal! I empathize with your pain! Take care of you and thank you for your support!

 

[Butterfly64]

I will for sure keep everyone updated! I’m going to need the support here if I’m going to take this journey! I’m going in with eyes wide open and I know it’s going to be a bumpy ride! But him saying he’ll do his best is all I can ask for! He’s my love and I’m willing to give it my best shot. I’m going to continue to take care of me though... that’s what this has taught me and for that I’ll be forever grateful! I’m so sorry your situation isn’t ideal! I empathize with your pain! Take care of you and thank you for your support!

Best wishes...hope to get some really great updates from you ? and I will be alright eventually, it just takes time to let go after six of knowing him?

 

[grit]

You cannt have your cake and eat it. You cannt be a supporter without self interest or full identity of her own and equal partner. You can't dictate from the distance.