Relationship What do I do now?

[Phillearn]

Hi everyone,

I’m just learning about cptsd after looking for an explanation as to why my relationship came to an abrupt halt. Reading posts on here and others on reddit, it seems my situation isn’t so unusual. One thing that seems a bit different is that my ex is undiagnosed and I don’t think has done any research on the subject.

I’m not too keen on making a diagnosis myself as I’m far from qualified but reading about the potential causes of cptsd, it certainly seems at least feasible. Absent parents, abusive relationships with narcissists, sexual assaults, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia and depression are all boxes that are ticked.

We worked together in the past and reconnected after years when she contacted me. The connection was immediate, we didn’t stop talking except to sleep. We clicked completely. Circumstances meant things moved fast, she lives in a different town and has a toddler so the only real option was me visiting her which I was happy to do and within a couple of weeks I was with her every weekend. We spoke about everything, really opened up to each other. It really felt like it was meant to be.

After 3 months, we went on a vacation with her baby. We had a great time but the proximity and amount of time with each other definitely changed the dynamic slightly into more of a family dynamic than a new couple. On the last day, literally on the way to the airport, we had a bit of an argument. It didn’t feel like a big deal to me, just that we’d need some time to cool off.

Unfortunately when I’d had that time and wanted to patch things up, she was still very angry. Made comparisons to me and her abusive ex and suddenly it all felt much more serious.

I made my way home and was not very happy with how the trip had ended. Again, I thought we’d need some time to cool off before revisiting it and apologising to each other. We’d previously talked through misunderstandings really well and I was confident this would be the same.

After a couple of days, she called me. I was immediately struck by her tone as she sounded really sad. She pretty quickly started to tell me that it was over. She said the honeymoon period shouldn’t be over already, we shouldn’t be arguing like that so early and also the fact that she didn’t want to rip my clothes off at all times on the trip must mean something is wrong. I was blindsided.

We talked again the next day and agreed to meet a couple of days after that. We met and had a great time like we always did. We talked about stuff, she had this doubt that she wasn’t sexually attracted to me which was surprising as we’d been very open about that with each other and had great chemistry in that department which we’d discussed many times. She also told me about a few things on the trip that triggered her to think about her ex. By the end of the conversation it felt like we’d repaired things. She was her usual self with me and we were back to being affectionate and laughing.

A couple of weeks later I went to hers and things just feel different, she seemed to have withdrawn. She invited me for the weekend and we’d had a good time but I sensed a change in her.

Over the next couple of days this continues with unanswered messages and a general drop in her communication with me. I raise it with her and she tells me she can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. Like a seed has been planted in her head and it has just grown and grown. She was very emotional, said she didn’t want to lose me, didn’t want to have this conversation now because she wanted to keep trying but if I’m noticing a difference and it’s upsetting me then she has to.

I told her that made me really sad but I respect her feelings and if that’s how she feels there’s nothing for me to say other than I’ve loved our time together and I wish you all the best. I told her I wasn’t sure how I could be a friend when I feel how I do about her. She said she doesn’t want to lose me but won’t contact me because it wouldn’t be fair but if I want to contact her, she’ll be there.

She messaged me the next day, it was a strange text about a product that we both liked being out of stock. She also said she hopes I’m alright. I was not in a good place and didn’t reply. Then a few days later she messaged me again asking if I was ok. This time I did reply and asked how she was. She said she’s not the one to worry about, she’s fine, just feels guilty and worried about me. I found that a bit harsh and asked if we could chat, which we did.

She still sounded very down and emotional. I asked how she felt and she said she was just trying not to think about it. I suggested that the messages she’d sent felt a bit like mixed signals, she was adamant she just wanted to let me know the product was out of stock.

I told her that if that’s true, and she’s genuinely just worried about me, then the best thing she can do for me is let me get over her. She said she wouldn’t message me again.

That was 2 weeks ago and it’s since then that I’ve read all these stories and learnt a bit about cptsd. She didn’t ask for space, she didn’t isolate from me, I feel like she struggled with what was happening and I feel like I reacted badly because I was naive as to what she was really going through - I hadn’t fully appreciated how deep some of these issues ran.

And now I don’t know what to do. Im scared to message her cos I don’t want to make her anxious and I’m worried it’ll set me back in my healing from this breakup with a girl I saw my future with. But I also hate the idea that I told her not to message me, that I’ve left her when she’s vulnerable and that i may never speak to her again.

Sorry for the length of this post, I’d love to hear what any of you think, if you care to share.

Thanks for reading

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If she has PTSD she probably got triggered, didn't know how to handle it. If she has PTSD but doesn't know she has PTSD, she probably doesn't even know to ask for space. Before dignosis, we have all of these symptoms that are unnamed and we have no idea what they are, why we are doing what we are doing and reacting the way we are reacting, nor the name of it let alone coping mechnsisms. It's basically survival mode at that point but there is not a name of it that we know nor even why we are in this survival mode.

If I am being honest, if you do text her again I would encourage her to go to therapy and then go ahead and let her go. At least for now. Until she has some therapy under her and has been formally diagnosed, or not. Either way, she sounds like she can benefit from therapy.

Not sure if that helps.

 

[Friday]

reading about the potential causes of cptsd, it certainly seems at least feasible. Absent parents, abusive relationships with narcissists, sexual assaults, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia and depression are all boxes that are ticked.

It also makes about 2/3s of the DSM -several dozen disorsers- just as feasible. Including no disorder whatsoever, which doesn’t mean no effect... someone can have, say, profound trust issues, or difficulties with connection/relationships... without a whole constellation of other symptoms that take it to the level of any disorder. Trauma makes PTSD possible, but not even likely (about 1:5), much less guaranteed.

Nearly my entire dating history was with combat vets who all shared my particular brand of crazy. So I didn’t even think twice in dating my (now ex) husband. Not a vet. Hugely traumatic childhood, with effects I thought I was well familiar with. Nope. Come to find he had an entirely different disorder -and sets of issues- than I thought I recognized. All disorders share symptoms, but that doesn’t make them the same.

So, from a been there / done that place? I’d very much caution against deciding &/or acting on the idea that your GF / xGF has a specific disorder... without an actual diagnosis. The effects of assuming something is ABC when it’s actually XYZ? Can get dark fast.

 

[Phillearn]

thank you both for your replies, i appreciate your time and thoughts.

If I am being honest, if you do text her again I would encourage her to go to therapy and then go ahead and let her go. At least for now. Until she has some therapy under her and has been formally diagnosed, or not. Either way, she sounds like she can benefit from therapy.

i actually said this to her when we last spoke. its a difficult topic to broach with her because she has a very strong appearance with it, she hates the idea of being a "victim" or even with there being something wrong. fortunately, she recently started speaking to a life coach who somehow identified her need for therapy after just a couple of calls and by the time we spoke, she'd made an appointment to see a doctor for a referral. unfortunately i dont know if she went or the outcome if she did.

its so hard just not knowing where she is at right now. the idea that we could speak and she could be at her happy, funny best or still in that dark place is so hard to live with. the idea that maybe she wants to hear from me and thinks shes scared me off for good makes me really upset.

So, from a been there / done that place? I’d very much caution against deciding &/or acting on the idea that your GF / xGF has a specific disorder... without an actual diagnosis. The effects of assuming something is ABC when it’s actually XYZ? Can get dark fast.

point taken. i guess in some ways im looking to comfort myself with an explanation for something that seems so hard to explain. reading the posts here, the pattern of issues after an intense honeymoon period along with other things she said to me when things were good felt like it gave me some of the answers i was looking for but i understand what you mean about making unfounded assumptions and acting as if they are definite.

i just feel caught with these conflicting feelings - maintaining the distance to avoid myself and her getting hurt any more but worrying that there are actually things i could do to make us both feel better. it's the total uncertainty around her wellbeing that im finding so hard.

thanks again. its really helpful to hear some different perspectives

 

[LovingH]

Yeah..sounds all too familiar. The hardest part for me were the mixed messages at the end, and the total projection of my ex's abusive ex onto me. (My ex's ex, killed herself on his birthday, after they had broken up.) He even asked ME if I was gonna kill myself if we broke up..ugh.

I gave it a couple of months. Reached out. Got slapped back. It was a very hurtful slap back too--he said he wasn't missing the relationship at all. Said he was pretty much "over it." To which I replied, "must be nice to get over things so quickly." That was 3 months ago. I haven't contacted him since and don't intend to. Nor has he contacted me.

I'll be honest. I miss him like crazy still. I still think about him. Still cry sometimes. And we were only together 6 months but it was one of the deepest connections I've ever had. It doesn't help that I keep being reminded of him with little things. LIke listening to NPR yesterday, there were no less than TWO musical references to him .It was so weird. One was a song he used in a video montage he made for a play. The other was a song from a silly youtube video about sharks he had shown me.

It's very hard. Takes a lot of discipline to stay no contact, but I know for me, it will only result in pain. If he thinks back at some point on our relationship, and it hits him that he really DOES miss me, I don't even know if he'll contact me. I've had a lot of exes come back after like, 8 months or a year. But I'm not holding my breath.

In your case, it must be REALLY puzzling, but things can trigger them, that we can't even imagine. Even something simple. I read a blog from a woman who has PTSD from a sexual assault, and even the way her bf snored, reminded her of the guy who assaulted her. Logically, she knows her bf ISN'T that guy. But it's a constant struggle for her to tame that fight or flight response, and she's in longterm therapy to do so.

 

[Phillearn]

Thanks @LovingH, i've actually read a number of your posts on here and while our stories differ in many ways, there's very clear similarities too. I feel for you and I wish you the best in your journey.

In the short time i've been reading this forum I've found it amazing to see the commonalities between experiences. Particularly with these short, intense relationships that leave us feeling like we had a connection like we've never had before. I'd really like to understand more about this. I know that for me, it just felt like such a complete meeting of minds. The same things made us laugh, entertained us and infuriated us.

I'm sure the harshness of your ex's response to you hurt deeply and again I'm truly sorry for that. I've told myself that it might have been easier for me if she had done something really hurtful as I could tell myself she wasnt the person i thought she was. Instead, I find myself feeling like she felt vulnerable and rather than do my best to comfort her, I took her words literally and as if they came from a totally rational place, which they may have done, but I can't help but wonder what else they could mean.

The first couple of weeks were really hard but i'm pleased to say over the last few days i've begun to feel much more myself. I see that i will continue to exist whether or not she wants to see me or speak to me or be in a relationship with me. It will be hard to date again and i think i'll have a new concern about how quickly things can change now but i'm optimistic for the future. I hope you are too.

I actually decided against calling or texting her today and instead chose to write a letter. I thought texting or calling would put a bit too much pressure on her whereas a letter, addressed to a name only i call her, allows her to read or not read it whenever she's ready. it wasn't a letter to ask for her back, just to thank her for the time and tell her how special i think she is. I hope she reads it, i hope i hear from her when she does, but if i dont at least i'll know i didn't leave it how it was the last time we spoke.

if you're reading this and you're a regular commenter on here, i just want to say thank you. the wisdom, emotion and compassion in these forums is really amazing and i'm sure you have helped more people than you could ever imagine.

 

[Friday]

I've found it amazing to see the commonalities between experiences. Particularly with these short, intense relationships that leave us feeling like we had a connection like we've never had before. I'd really like to understand more about this

My suggestion... if you liked that level of intensity? Take a step back, look at what she did that created/fostered that situation, and then bring that with you into your next relationships.

I don’t exactly understand it, because it’s my normal. It’s how I interact & relate with people. It’s the normal of a lot of people in various subgroups, not just trauma, but eat, drink, be merry... for tomorrow we may die certainly shapes a lot of people’s worlds.

Live every day as if it’s your last -and other BS motivational slogans- simply isn’t sustainable long term. If today was your actual last day on earth, and you knew it? You could drain your bank account without a second thought. Not go into work, grab the people you love best, and head to New Zealand. Or a thousand other things. Because there is no future. There’s just NOW. People with PTSD often have to fight against that reality, take what they know intellectually (tomorrow will probably happen) and force themselves to continue to act as if. To send the kids to school, go into work, pick up dry cleaning, make plans for next Tuesday, pay the rent, sit through nonsense meetings. But the importance of NOW, right here right now, tends to leak out in myriad ways. One of which is a certain kind of rule breaking, of joïe de vivre; saying more (because it may well be your last chance), doing more (because it may well be your last chance), feeling more (because it may well be your last chance), etc.

Full throttle living -which is exhausting- being the norm, and paced routine being the hard fight (which is even more exhausting). Like constantly attempting to rein in a horse that just wants to RUN, may mean that you’re going the same speed as the horse and rider who is placidly walking beside you, but you don’t actually LOOK the same. Nor does it feel the same. And there will be periodic flourishes, as that energy leaks out; the horse sidles one way, dances another, ripples their body, tosses their head, prances a few paces, flicks their ears (all in a GO! Go NOW!)... tightly coiled energy, leaking out in small ways. Even reined in as completely as possible.

Of course, the flip side of that coin is not only are fun things amplified, but also fights/problems... and the consequences that follow (utter exhaustion, and unwillingness to face that exhaustion meaning unwillingness to interact with the parts of the world that inspire it, emotional overload and unwillingness to be in situations that demand it, 2nd guessing and over analyzing how much control is too much / not enough, ), whether you fight yourself all day long or are given your head and run free. So one ends up with an INTENSE! -rest- INTENSE! -rest- (avoid avoid avoid can’t handle the intensity or the exhaustion) INTENSE! -rest- Instead of a far more steady pace, with less commitment...meaning that there’s not only enough energy for today, but tomorrow, and the next.

But just like people whose neutral/knee-jerk/baseline is intense/full-throttle/5th gear all the way can learn apply some steady pacing, and acting as if (there is a tomorrow, and next week, and now isn’t the only thing that’s real) to their lives? I’ve watched plenty of people whose neutral/knee-jerk/baseline is slow & steady learn to dive more into life. Say more, do more, feel deeper.

Essentially? Both ends reaching towards the middle.

Take the parts that you like, and add them more and more into your life... until it’s habit, if not instinct.

 

[Tinyflame]

force themselves to continue to act as if. To send the kids to school, go into work, pick up dry cleaning, make plans for next Tuesday, pay the rent, sit through nonsense meetings. But the importance of NOW, right here right now, tends to leak out in myriad ways. One of which is a certain kind of rule breaking, of joïe de vivre; saying more (because it may well be your last chance), doing more (because it may well be your last chance), feeling more (because it may well be your last chance), etc.

Full throttle living -which is exhausting- being the norm, and paced routine being the hard fight (which is even more exhausting). Like constantly attempting to rein in a horse that just wants to RUN, may mean that you’re going the same speed as the horse and rider who is placidly walking beside you, but you don’t actually LOOK the same. Nor does it feel the same. And there will be periodic flourishes.., as that energy leaks out; the horse sidles one way, dances another, ripples their body, tosses their head, prances a few paces, flicks their ears (all in a GO! Go NOW!)... tightly coiled energy, leaking out in small ways. Even reined in as completely as possible.

Of course, the flip side of that coin is not only are fun things amplified, but also fights/problems... and the consequences that follow (utter exhaustion, and unwillingness to face that exhaustion meaning unwillingness to interact with the parts of the world that inspire it, emotional overload and unwillingness to be in situations that demand it,.. .

learn apply some steady pacing, and acting as if (there is a tomorrow, and next week, and now isn’t the only thing that’s real) to their lives

Had to quote much because I 101% agree with all of it. Exactly and eloquently said. It's a nature, or an instinct, who one is and how one lives, chooses, feels, and experiences the world and everyone that is in it, every day. And tries to learn to accommodate it, live better (best). But it's there it's rooted and how it is. Well, for myself, anyway.

 

[WTF Happened]

I've found it amazing to see the commonalities between experiences. Particularly with these short, intense relationships that leave us feeling like we had a connection like we've never had before.

Reading things like this are simultaneously validating and disheartening. On the one hand, it helps to not take things personally and to know that I'm not alone. On the other hand, it triggers a strong sinking feeling of: "Oh... I guess we didn't really have a 'connection like we've never had before.' I guess I grieve for a relationship and connection that was just a mirage."

 

[Ronin]

I guess I grieve for a relationship and connection that was just a mirage.

It wasn’t just a mirage, though.

What you had was real, then and at least on YOUR end, regardless of who they were or why they were the way they were.

Meaning you got everyone you really need for that intensity, cos that ain’t about who you are with, they just bring it out of you... That’s about who you are, how you relate to others, & experience the world.

 

[LovingH]

That particular commonality of so many of us feeling like we had found a rare connection..I wonder if it's because our partners have in common an ability to mirror us, or something? I thought it was really unique the sense of humor my ex and I shared. We were both really sarcastic and dark. In a way that probably would have put off other people but that we both found really amusing.

 

[Friday]

I wonder if it's because our partners have in common an ability to mirror us, or something?

That’s not a PTSD thing, manipulative mirroring, but it is a common thing in a few other disorders.

It can also just be the makeup of someone’s character, or lessons they’ve learned / the world they were raised in or chose, or even fall squarely in the normal range (doesn’t rise to the level of character trait, much less pathology) of people looking for common ground.

But, then again, it could just be simply that you legit shared a sense of humor.

On the other hand, it triggers a strong sinking feeling of: "Oh... I guess we didn't really have a 'connection like we've never had before.'

Just because something is common doesn’t make it unreal.

Even if that’s the first time you found something

It’s like, if you dated a musician, finding out that there are a lot of other musicians out there? Doesn’t mean your musician isn’t reeeeeally a musician. Nor, that simply because they introduced you to the world of music? That they take that with them when they leave. If you love the music world? You can pursue a life IN that world, without them. Finding people even more suited to you than the first person.

Some people only have intense relationships. Romantic, platonic, whatever. The first time you date someone who has that standard? Can be highly intoxicating... IF you like intense connection. (Others find it annoying, clingy, icky, dramatic, invasive, whatever). If you like intense connection? You may well become one of those people who only pursues relationships with that facet. It may become a line item in what you look for in a mate. That doesn’t make it less real. In yourself, or others. No more than any other character trait you look for or require or bring with you.