Other Help an autistic gal out with how to spot creeps

[open eyes]

I've got a long history of trauma... multiple sexual assaults, one of which resulted in pregnancy, getting threatened with a knife by a boyfriend, childhood abuse, death of someone very close to me... the list goes on. I'm also on the autism spectrum. I think my social difficulties have gotten me into horrifying situations- my inability to figure out peoples' intentions is like a target on my head for abusers. I struggle with reading people and detecting "bad vibes" or whatever y'all neurotypicals call the feeling you get when you know someone is up to no good.

Anyone else?

Any tips/tricks for spotting dangerous people?

Please keep in mind that being autistic, I don't do well with wishy-washy language or advice that is based on intuition and emotional reasoning. Direct/concrete information is most helpful.

 

[Kubash16]

Are you in therapy?

Because autism aside, a lot of people who have been through trauma early on unintentionally continue to find people who use and abuse them due to both a lack of knowledge/paying attention to signs, but also an intrinsic belief that that is all we deserve.

My advice? Build up your own self worth in therapy, learning tools only a therapist can teach you will get you miles ahead in seeing people differently.

 

[Justmehere]

Any tips/tricks for spotting dangerous people?

It’s not actually that easy. Sometimes it’s the people you don’t expect. Sociopaths are especially good at being very charming.

I watch how people respond when I set a clear boundary. If they push, then they may not be safe. If they respect the boundary, they might be safe.

If someone is extremely overly positive when rhwy don’t know me very well, they might be love bombing. They might be manipulating me. It’s a possible yellow flag.

To a limited degree, I also see how they treat others and how others treat them. If they are unkind to others they could be unkind to me.

 

[open eyes]

It’s not actually that easy. Sometimes it’s the people you don’t expect. Sociopaths are especially good at being very charming.

I watch how people respond when I set a clear boundary. If they push, then they may not be safe. If they respect the boundary, they might be safe.

If someone is extremely overly positive when rhwy don’t know me very well, they might be love bombing. They might be manipulating me. It’s a possible yellow flag.

To a limited degree, I also see how they treat others and how others treat them. If they are unkind to others they could be unkind to me.

Thanks for your thought-out response. Could you give me an example of a casual boundary to set with acquaintances?

 

[Justmehere]

Could you give me an example of a casual boundary to set with acquaintances?

That’s going to be really specific to you, the other person, and the situation.

For me, I havea service dog. If someone asks about my medical condition and I say, “I don’t share that info in public, it is personal medical information” and they take it badly, keep asking, or insult me... that’s not a person to connect with more.

Or if the person wants to get together for coffee but I can’t and they push me...

But many people don’t need to set many boundaries with acquaintances because they are acquaintances. It’s once people get a little closer.

 

[Ronin]

Whats your own definition of a creep, & whats your definition of danger?

Since that is gonna be different, and even then what we might say could be totally useless to you, as n/a to your own situation.

 

[open eyes]

Whats your own definition of a creep, & whats your definition of danger?

Since that is gonna be different, and even then what we might say could be totally useless to you, as n/a to your own situation.

I define creep as someone who is acting without my best interests in mind, and someone who is looking for a person they perceive to be easily manipulated or taken advantage of.

"Danger" for me includes stuff like getting followed, stalked, assaulted, etc.

 

[Sideways]

If they are unkind to others they could be unkind to me.

This is really helpful for me. Since I’m not great at judging whether someone is being kind to me, but I can see how they treat others.

Big one for me is how they speak about another person when that person isn’t around to hear. Some people leap at the opportunity to bitch & gossip, others have genuinely positive or at least empathic attitudes to the people in their life.

Their attitude to the people in their life generally? Is a good starting point to what their attitude to me is going to be like.

 

[Keming]

avoid anyone who insists on referring to you with diminutives - typically ends ending in "ie" or "y":
- baby
- cutie
- honey
etc.

words define people and situations. if someone insists on defining you with a diminutive before getting to know you, it suggests they've already decided what they want you to be.

note that diminutives are often used playfully within an established relationship, and can be perfectly affectionate and positive in that context.

 

[Deanna]

avoid anyone who insists on referring to you with diminutives - typically ends ending in "ie" or "y":
- baby
- cutie
- honey
etc.

words define people and situations. if someone insists on defining you with a diminutive before getting to know you, it suggests they've already decided what they want you to be.

note that diminutives are often used playfully within an established relationship, and can be perfectly affectionate and positive in that context.

Nonsense. That is southern dialect. Dialect is different from speech. Dialect can't be learned on a computer screen. I see where you were going.. But "y" and "ie" by a woman to woman is usually southern dialect. You were talking about a man saying "ie" and "y". You have to be specific with autism, that's all.

 

[Gs172003]

Nonsense. That is southern dialect. Dialect is different from speech. Dialect can't be learned on a computer screen. I see where you were going.. But "y" and "ie" by a woman to woman is usually southern dialect. You were talking about a man saying "ie" and "y". You have to be specific with autism, that's all.

It also depends on context and tone which can't be shared on screen either. But yes...very southern.

 

[Ronin]

You were talking about a man saying "ie" and "y".

Good discussion/objection, there.

Though to this bit.

I can think of so many types of men, not even necessarily from the US South, or even native speakers of English, who would use that talk to a woman/woman read person... with no ill intent, whatsoever, simply because that is how they talk & how they view people, as awesome and wanting to let them know.

... So, yeah. Could be throwing people under the bus, too. Where someone f*cked up and run for the hills would speak totally normal. Hell, speak, act, dress, seemingly relate.