Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

I am feeling embarrassed that I am the top poster in public forum statistics. I have this urge to stop writing in my trauma diary for like a month so I won't be the attention hog anymore. Feeling really shameful, even though I haven't really bothered anyone as far as I can tell.

Started reading a resource on narcissistic abuse yesterday. Decided to stop because things finally settled at home and I was afraid to stir them up again. I work so hard turning up the rocks to find the worms. I guess I keep hoping if I work hard enough, I'll reach this nebulous end point where I won't have to do any more work. Either that or I'm abusing myself by putting myself in situations that will be dysregulating. I'm afraid to be happy. I'm afraid to trust good times. I don't know how to play. I have a part that's great with playfulness but don't really have any obvious control over when they come out.

Anyway, sorry for being so intrusive with my excessive posting.

 

[HealingMama]

Today has been really difficult. Lots of depersonalization and derealization. It feels like part of my awareness is floating above me but I am not looking down on myself. I just feel like I'm not totally here. Trying to do some grounding and will hit the gym to see if it helps.

I am aware of some sadness behind it.

 

[HealingMama]

So the floaty feeling gave way to a feeling of two bears fighting inside of me. It's really uncomfortable. I wonder if this is the internal conflict that Wendell was talking about.

Husband wanted sex, came to a compromise. I'm really thankful I don't switch or dissociate during sex anymore. But I really couldn't do much with this inner conflict feeling which is very intense and distracting.

Occasionally this feeling fades and I am heavy with grief. Maybe it's a war between the part holding that pain and the part protecting me from it.

I have a social event tomorrow. I really want to feel like "myself" when I get up tomorrow. You hear that in there?

This week is going to be hectic. We are bringing stepdaughter to visit a few days. There will be a lot going on that is off our usual routine.

I am really hoping my next therapy session will lead to some progress with this stuff. I have newfound respect for therapists that work with dissociation. It has to be quite a challenge.

 

[somerandomguy]

sorry for being so intrusive with my excessive posting

You're not intrusive, and you don't have to be sorry. Your diary is for you to use however you want. Have you seen some of the diaries here? They are hundreds of pages long.
:hug:

 

[HealingMama]

You're not intrusive, and you don't have to be sorry. Your diary is for you to use however you want. Have you seen some of the diaries here? They are hundreds of pages long.
:hug:

?
Thank you!

 

[HealingMama]

I really don't feel well but this time it's more medical. I've got a terrible sinus problem. I go to the doctor today to see if my chronic illness is affecting my lungs. Hopefully not but better to catch it early.

I woke up feeling wretched. But I did some energy work which seems to have helped. So there's this energy concept of meridians borrowed from Chinese medicine. I have a houseguest who arrived in the middle of the night and that made my energy body feel "clogged up" so throughout the day I've been using some of my attention to clear the clog out and I think it finally worked. I'm so weird! ?

Went and had lunch with a friend and managed to act normal!

 

[HealingMama]

So the lung appointment meant I had to do some testing where I breathed into a tube and they pushed gas back at me for resistance, which effectively felt like I was suffocating. They really should warn people what to expect! That made me feel very anxious.

I went through a period of time where I wanted to be choked during sex with my husband. Mostly when we first got together. I was working so hard to just disappear. I wasn't suicidal. Just wanted to melt away.

But today they surprised me with suffocation. What the actual F.

 

[HealingMama]

Now that I'm home and alone I don't feel well. It's like my soul is hanging out above my head so I am discombobulated. Sometimes there is a click then I feel fully myself. Hasn't happened yet today.

Sometimes I have really elaborate stories I tell myself about these alterations in consciousness. Like I'm multidimensional and they need one of my aspects on the mothership ?

But honestly I have no idea what's really going on with me, what this experience is, if it is part of the cult I was in for a while that really did some weird stuff to my energy, or if it's run of the mill depersonalization and derealization, I mean that goes for everything. What is my truth. No one can tell me. I have to figure it out. It changes when I am dysregulated. It changes depending on who is exerting passive influence.

I wonder why part of me is floating above me and what i need to do for them to feel safe to come back.

I really feel thankful for my husband. He has a lot of issues himself and we can create lots of really bad moments together but I am sure my switching stuff makes me hard to live with.

He told me sex has been really hot lately. I said probably because I stopped dissociating so much. He laughed and said that certainly does help. We used to have to interrupt things a lot because there would be a glitch or a record skip and I would suddenly have all this emotion that doesn't have any place in the experience we were having. Him being a nice guy when he's not a jerk, he would stop and try to soothe me or.help me.or hold space with me.

Since I broke through that I can stay "me" the whole time usually now. It's been a huge relief. Now if I could only become more consistently me in my other experiences. Which me though? LOL ?

 

[HealingMama]

This is really really stupid and petty ?

But I complain too much in my life. Dumping here to get my rant out instead.

We are playing a game together. Me, husband and eldest stepdaughter. She's a good kid. We get along.

Husband kept putting the draw bag between himself and stepdaughter. I got tired of having to ask for it every single round so I ask SD to put the bag by me after she takes her turn.

Husband says or I can just keep the bag over there.

So let me get this straight. You didn't mind inconveniencing me a whole bunch of times but as soon as she would be inconvenienced suddenly you can change what you're doing?

If love isn't a finite resource like you always say then why do you take me for granted like that?

I hate making these comparisons but shit man it's right in my face how I don't matter and I can work extra and you don't care but God forbid she has to lift a finger.

It really speaks to this feeling that I'm just a stand in for your first wife. And how you don't really value me. And you ascribe to this idea that you're supposed to put the kids before the partner which is not correct in my view. Cherish your partner and you show kids a string relationship.

Ugh I hate that I am so reactive to this but he really puts the kids on a pedestal and I think it's shitty how often it happens.

Please don't judge me for being so petty diary reader ?

 

[HealingMama]

Speaking of being a stand in for his ex wife, my mother in law just called and she called me the ex wife's first name. ?

 

[HealingMama]

So I told him my experience very carefully and it didn't cause a fight. Small victories.

 

[HealingMama]

Woke up at 1:30. Couldn't go back to sleep. I'm an empath and having people in my house that aren't there regularly is really difficult for me. My body tries to digest their energy or something. So I couldn't get back to sleep because I'm feeling so clogged up in my own home. It's the only place I have refuge usually.
I took a Xanax to try to help me shut that energy processing down and it didn't really work. I really try to avoid taking Xanax.