Blended family stuff

[HealingMama]

This isn't an answer to the question exactly, just an comment. I've been reading along and, as a former kid who felt unwanted, I'm feeling a bit sorry for THIS kid, who no one seems to want. Is she THAT bad?

Obviously, I have no idea what she's like. My best recollection of "12" is I came home from school, went out and spent as much time I could with my horse, came in for supper, did dishes, then either watched tv or went to my room. By 12, you can be pretty self sufficient. Granted, I was never the acting out type. It was more "silence is golden but sometimes invisibility is better." But, by 12, I had not only saved the money to buy that horse, I was making enough to take care of him too. 12 isn't 2.

Whatever, the kid needs a roof over her head and help finding food at least till she's old enough to be on her own.

I actually also have step kids. I've been divorced from their father for a long time and we still stay in touch. (Me and the kids, that is.) The youngest was 13 when we got married.They split their time between their parents. It went fine. But then, it could be that the fact that I grew up in a house I never felt was mine, makes me disinclined to stake out territory and make rules, I don't know. I guess the best thing I can suggest is talk to her an listen to her too. She's a human being, caught up in a situation, not of her own making, just as much you are.

I can only speak for myself. It's not that I don't want her. It's that I'm a perfectionist and afraid my mental health will suffer having her there full time in a way that I can't show up the way I would like to. She is definitely one to act out. She can be a bully. She hoards power over other kids at times to the point that more than one adult has not allowed her to play with her peers without adult supervision. Last time they visited I saw her basically trolling the two year old by keeping a toy that he wanted and refusing to give it despite his protest. I get that siblings do that to each other but he's too young for it. Ue needs to be old enough to understand the power play and be able to fight back.

Add to that she has a lot of self regulation problems. Dad is not great at structure and she takes advantage to push for more and more resources/time/etc. She is in a family of internalizing girls, as the sole externalizing person. Because she is so obsessed with power, she gets into many power struggles with her mother and might have a flair of oppositional defiance. She really needs a lot of containment and resists it.

She is also very full of life, and brings a lot of energy to things. She has a lot of enthusiasm and when she isn't in her power stance she plays really well with the toddler.

She would do well having fewer siblings to compete with but like I said I'm afraid my own mental health will not do well with the increased demands on me emotionally not to mention less time to.isolate and more mental load. My husband having ADHD means all the mental load stuff falls to me or everything is always falling apart.

 

[Cypress]

Because she is so obsessed with power, she gets into many power struggles

I don't blame her for wanting control. Sounds like she is a kid who had never had any control over her life and is pretty much powerless.

 

[HealingMama]

I don't blame her for wanting control. Sounds like she is a kid who had never had any control over her life and is pretty much powerless.

That isn't really true. She takes power frequently. I believe part of the issue is she is probably an enneagram 8. Type 8

I will add that she does get opportunities to make choices in her time with us. She is often the one deciding what activities to do, even which type of dinner to have. But when there are 4 of them she has to share that power.

 

[scout86]

My husband having ADHD means all the mental load stuff falls to me or everything is always falling apart

That sounds like a problem. I don't, personally, think that having ADHD is a valid excuse not to parent. It will affect your style, to be sure, but it's about learning how to adapt and adjust. My T has ADHD (to the extent that he was on medication for awhile as a kid, till his mom decided she liked him better the way he actually was). He does fine. Granted there are some things he has to work at differently than most people, but he manages fine. It's not an excuse, it's a reason.

I can see where the combination of a perfectionist and a person with ADHD would be tough.

My mom was very much a perfectionist. There was no way I could talk to her, not being perfect and all, but I always kind wondered if it actually made her happy. It really didn't seem like it did. "Perfect" is an awfully high bar, for anyone.

 

[HealingMama]

That sounds like a problem. I don't, personally, think that having ADHD is a valid excuse not to parent. It will affect your style, to be sure, but it's about learning how to adapt and adjust. My T has ADHD (to the extent that he was on medication for awhile as a kid, till his mom decided she liked him better the way he actually was). He does fine. Granted there are some things he has to work at differently than most people, but he manages fine. It's not an excuse, it's a reason.

I can see where the combination of a perfectionist and a person with ADHD would be tough.

My mom was very much a perfectionist. There was no way I could talk to her, not being perfect and all, but I always kind wondered if it actually made her happy. It really didn't seem like it did. "Perfect" is an awfully high bar, for anyone.

Well, he does parent. But he has trouble planning and executing structured tasks with time limits. He has trouble transferring school calendar events to the personal one, knowing when to start dinner so it's ready without kids having to eat late, reconciling his needs/my needs/child needs to structure the week so there is a logical flow with time built in for transitions rather than doing nothing then a mad dash at the end where you always run out of time, phone calls to schedule things, that sort of thing.

If your therapist does okay or fine without meds, that is wonderful. Unfortunately my husband is basically not functional without meds. His case is the most severe I have ever seen. He did not get any support whatsoever growing up for his ADHD just a mother willfully trying to force him to be neurotypical and sending the message he wasn't good enough.

I've done a lot to overcome my perfectionism but having a messy, cluttered space or a dirty kitchen are areas I still deal with. I can't enjoy quality time if the work isnt already done. My husband will want to play a game after kid is asleep and if the common area is cluttered I can't concentrate on the fun. Idk if perfectionism is the right word. I know many times women are socialized to be responsible for the home so we may feel that pressure a lot more than the men in the home. My hushand is trying to pitch in more.