Relationship Why does my bf isolate himself from me?

[Butterfly64]

THIS!!!!!! Just because we have ptsd doesnt mean we get to be asshats. It's on US to get the help we need to be better partners. If we aren't willing to do that we can't expect people to stick around.

Amen to that! I keep saying no to him, because I know he can’t do relationship with me or anybody else...he is crazy about me, but doesn’t act accordingly. If he went to therapy, swore he was ready to communicate, see me on the same level as his friends....I think I would still run for the hills! He has simply hurt me too much...said to many things to push me away and I don’t know if it was the truth or “just PTSD” and it really shouldn’t matter because the end result is the same...he broke my heart.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m glad you are spending more tIme with family and friends, and you have good support in your best friend.

Boundaries have to be respected regardless of the reason why. Keep in mind too that you may not know the reason he isolates, and still have to respect those boundaries. Less than 20 percent of veterans have PTSD. It could be PTSD, it could be something else going on.

It’s super respectful and you are doing great work to keep giving him space and resisting that urge to keep contacting him.

If you find it too hard and worrisome to be in a relationship where someone shuts down to contact on a fairly regular basis then that’s totally understandable. I don’t know that I could do it. At the end of the day the only person that you’ll be able to change is you and who you choose to date. Even if two people love each other may, the relationship still isn’t the right fit.

Even if he has PTSD and gets treatment... that doesn’t always solve this issue. Things usually get worse before they get better, and reconnecting with a partner isn’t always something that happens.

Focusing on what you do have control over and if and how to sustain as do things don’t change might help lessen some of the anxiety about what you can’t control. Pinning hopes on a relationship to work out based on the other person changing can set up both partners for a lot of resentment down the road.

I hope he reconnects and you can talk to him about it soon. Keep up the great work!

 

[Butterfly64]

That makes total sense, thank you! I'm realizing this time around that taking care of my self is pretty much all that I can do and in the past I've completely neglected my personal well being. I'm trying everything I can to keep myself busy and keep my mind off of him.

Thanks for the input! I am comfortable asking him if he would consider getting help because it's something he has brought up to me recently-- actually just after the last time that he isolated. He knows that something is not right with him and he want's to just live a normal quiet life but he has entirely too much going on in his head at all times (those are his words, not mine).

We haven't talked about what the isolation is doing to our relationship beyond making up after he's done it each time in the past. Before I started doing my research I attributed the isolation solely to some event that he was dealing with during those periods and I thought that he just didn't deal with stress well.

I would like for him to talk to a professional (and possibly one for myself too), but if he doesn't then I do need to have a conversation about what I should expect and why I should trust that he is not just disappearing to be a jerk. Like I've said previously, when he isolates he character and demeanor are completely different than when he is feeling like his self.

If he doesn't, or even if he does seek out professional help, I would still like to have a conversation with him about what both of us need when he is isolating. For me that would be a text every few days to let me know he is ok and alive; for him it would probably be for me to leave him the heck alone and take care of myself. I definitely don't need a text every hour or even every day, but every few days or a couple of times a week would be nice and reassuring.

So far in our (short) relationship, this is the only problem we have.. other than this I can honestly say it's the happiest I've ever been with somebody; he's an amazing man and completely worth sticking around for. I'm not here to "fix" him, but I do want to have a life with him and keep making memories and going on adventures.

Thank you again for the input. This forum has helped me cope with all of this beyond what my words can express. This is the first time I haven't felt completely crazy (or weak) for sticking around even though he's put me through all of this.

Thank you for the advice! I'm trying to put myself in the best mindset possible so that I do not try and talk to him and overwhelm him. I want to better understand the toll that our romantic relationship takes on him so that I might understand him better. I'm getting better at giving him his space and focusing on my own life even though I want to scream sometimes.

Thank you for the reply! I do care about him a lot and I want to be there for him in any way that will help him, even if it's just knowing when to back off. In the past it's been hard for me to respect those boundaries and give him space because I didn't know why he was isolating himself, but by reading everything I have so far it's starting to make sense to me and it's gotten easier to simply just leave him alone.

My bestfriend is my main support system and she's been there for me through it all. I've also started spending more time with my family and trying to cultivate new friendships to have reasons to get out of the house or get my mind off of him. It depends on the day, but usually diving into those other relationships does help ease my anxiety about it a bit.

I think you're right about sharing the stories being the trigger. Before I turned in for the night he was completely fine and kissed me goodbye, but when he came back he was a completely different person.

Thank you for that insight on therapy, I didn't necessarily think therapy could make things worse, but you're right, he would have to face all of his demons. However, if that will help him in the long run to be happy then I will be there to support him in any ways I can. He doesn't like to talk to me about his time in the military, or even his life right after he got out very much, but I do recall him saying that he took advantage of the VA for a while after he got out. I cannot say for sure that he has or has not been diagnosed with PTSD, but after everything he has been through and all of the signs and symptoms he presents, it makes sense. However, I am not a mental health care professional, so I am basing my opinion on my intuition and what I have read so far. If he were to seek out help and not be diagnosed with PTSD, that would be a different story and I think I would be on the wrong forum... at that point I would find a "my boyfriend is an ass" forum; but, as of right now I am going to support him because he is worth it and deserves to have someone in his corner.

Thank you for sharing, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that has been through this situation. While I am happy that he is happy, I find it very hard to deal with seeing him on social media, or knowing that he is horsing around at work.

When he is in a good state of mind we do spend a lot of time together, maybe that is something I should consider cutting back on.

I completely understand the push-pull hell. I want to pull him in when he wants to push me away. It is very difficult for me to accept the pushing aspect because of the type of person that I am. I want answers and explanations, I want to understand and if I don't get that my anxiety immediately goes through the roof. For a while the hardest part of all of this was not knowing why he was pushing away, and I thought it was my fault. I'm happy and relieved to know that it probably doesn't have anything to do with me, he just needs time to reset. With that, I am able to reel in my anxiety and respect his boundaries. Thanks again Butterfly64!

Hang in there and if at one point it gets too much...then run like hell and don’t let him pull you in again. I let myself get pulled in over and over again...which was just plain old stupid, but I wasn’t ready to let go of him...he told me to run, to let him go because he couldn’t let go of me. All my best wishes and do not lose yourself ?

 

[apear1818]

This makes a lot of sense to me and I feel like I'm going through the exact same thing right now. I keep telling myself to refrain from contacting him. It's not easy that's for sure, this is so different than anything nice experienced. It feels like he's mad at me but in reality it has absolutely nothing to do with me.

RIGHT! I have felt like I was going insane and at my breaking point until I started to read this forum and I realized that I am not alone. As I would read through the threads, some of them sounded like I had written the post myself and they word-for-word describe my situation... it was eerie and comforting at the same time.

When my boyfriend would isolate the first few times I relentlessly contacted him, desperate for answers and affirmation, but I have recently learned that that does not help our situation and I should refrain from it and focus on making myself better during this time of isolation. I never thought in a million years that I would be in a situation such as this, but as long as my boyfriend is still the same goofy, funny, weirdo that I fell in love with then I will continue to support him. With that being said though, supporting him is hard and each day is a different story and set of emotions; some days I am fine and other day's I feel like reverting to my old ways and calling him over and over (though I know better now and I won't).

Also, for what it's worth, during past isolation's when I would try to contact him he would say that "I am making this worse," "this has nothing to do with you," and "just go away, we'll talk later." I could never understand what I was making worse and if he didn't want to talk to me and wanted to avoid me so badly, why didn't he just break up with me? I didn't understand until I found this forum and read others testimonies and posts.

I hope you're able to find the same comfort that I did and that everything works out for you @Songbirdhero !

 

[apear1818]

Hang in there and if at one point it gets too much...then run like hell and don’t let him pull you in again. I let myself get pulled in over and over again...which was just plain old stupid, but I wasn’t ready to let go of him...he told me to run, to let him go because he couldn’t let go of me. All my best wishes and do not lose yourself ?

@Butterfly64 Thank you very much for your reply and your vote of confidence!
As strange as it is to say, I have found just a bit of relief within myself during his isolation because I am reconnecting with myself again and getting back to the basics of knowing exactly how to make myself happy with out somebody else. I wish he was here every single day and I'm not yet ready or willing to let him go or give up on our relationship, but I am pleased with myself for learning how to be happy during his absence.

 

[Butterfly64]

@Butterfly64 Thank you very much for your reply and your vote of confidence!
As strange as it is to say, I have found just a bit of relief within myself during his isolation because I am reconnecting with myself again and getting back to the basics of knowing exactly how to make myself happy with out somebody else. I wish he was here every single day and I'm not yet ready or willing to let him go or give up on our relationship, but I am pleased with myself for learning how to be happy during his absence.

That doesn’t sound strange at all...I felt the same about 1,5 years into it....and then he pulled me back in and I felt miserable again until I finally decided that enough is enough. If I text him right now...say “ ok let’s try again...not relationship, but being exclusive” he would jump right at it, and I would once more hate the fact that he sees everybody but me for hours and ours, and me for an hour or two 4-5 times a month, when a year ago we would see each other 15-20 times a month. There is no way, I am letting myself fall back into that pattern. If you decide to walk away, it will be painful, but worth it at one point

 

[Songbirdhero]

RIGHT! I have felt like I was going insane and at my breaking point until I started to read this forum and I realized that I am not alone. As I would read through the threads, some of them sounded like I had written the post myself and they word-for-word describe my situation... it was eerie and comforting at the same time.

When my boyfriend would isolate the first few times I relentlessly contacted him, desperate for answers and affirmation, but I have recently learned that that does not help our situation and I should refrain from it and focus on making myself better during this time of isolation. I never thought in a million years that I would be in a situation such as this, but as long as my boyfriend is still the same goofy, funny, weirdo that I fell in love with then I will continue to support him. With that being said though, supporting him is hard and each day is a different story and set of emotions; some days I am fine and other day's I feel like reverting to my old ways and calling him over and over (though I know better now and I won't).

Also, for what it's worth, during past isolation's when I would try to contact him he would say that "I am making this worse," "this has nothing to do with you," and "just go away, we'll talk later." I could never understand what I was making worse and if he didn't want to talk to me and wanted to avoid me so badly, why didn't he just break up with me? I didn't understand until I found this forum and read others testimonies and posts.

I hope you're able to find the same comfort that I did and that everything works out for you @Songbirdhero !

Thanks and I hope things work out for you too. I hear you with everything you said. I did the same thing, kept contacting when he wouldn't respond and got really upset bc he wasn't responding and it wasn't like him. But now I know that "I need to be alone for a while" means just that and as hard as it is, you just have to stop the contact and let them breathe and concentrate on yourself. Keeping busy has been my best friend lately.

 

[apear1818]

That doesn’t sound strange at all...I felt the same about 1,5 years into it....and then he pulled me back in and I felt miserable again until I finally decided that enough is enough. If I text him right now...say “ ok let’s try again...not relationship, but being exclusive” he would jump right at it, and I would once more hate the fact that he sees everybody but me for hours and ours, and me for an hour or two 4-5 times a month, when a year ago we would see each other 15-20 times a month. There is no way, I am letting myself fall back into that pattern. If you decide to walk away, it will be painful, but worth it at one point

@Butterfly64 Thank you for sharing your point of view with me, I'm sorry it went down that way for you and I hope you've been able to find happiness since.
Our separation is not nearly to that extent, but that is definitely a sign I will keep an eye out for in the future.

 

[apear1818]

Thanks and I hope things work out for you too. I hear you with everything you said. I did the same thing, kept contacting when he wouldn't respond and got really upset bc he wasn't responding and it wasn't like him. But now I know that "I need to be alone for a while" means just that and as hard as it is, you just have to stop the contact and let them breathe and concentrate on yourself. Keeping busy has been my best friend lately.

Same here! I've been doing everything I can to fill my time and keep my mind off of him because it's when my mind has a chance to wander it always wanders back to him and I start to feel sad again.
I think this isolation period is much more severe than the others and now I am just wondering when I'll hear from him; it's been a week and a half.