Relationship PTSD first time triggered

[Songbirdhero]

I was debating about posting here but you guys offer some amazing input. I have to say that learning about PTSD for the first time while my a good friend goes through his first trigger since being out of the military is beyond hard and something I have never experienced. We have known each other for a while and have been talking for the past few months just about everyday. Not something I expected but sometimes life takes a course you don't expect.

Speaking of life taking an alternate course, he recently had his first trigger. I heard from him shortly after and he said he needed alone time to work on his mental state. Ok I completely understood and just said I'm glad to hear from him and I'm here if he needs me (we live a ways apart so I meant by phone or text and offered to come for a visit too if he wanted). Before this happened we kept talking about meeting and hanging out soon, so I'm completely bummed. I heard from him the next day which completely surprised me...he seemed completely like himself, then told me a few days later he shouldn't have contacted me and wasn't ready to talk. I was so confused. (So I started researching and reading up everything I could on combat PTSD, push pull, the cup theory etc). I have a hard time understanding what he's going through but I'm trying. I've heard some of the military stuff and its awful and can't imagine going through it but the hard part for me to understand is wanting to push someone away that you care about. For the most part, when I am going through something I want to talk about it and be closer to those I care about for support, but I realize how different PTSD is from anything I have ever experienced.

I've briefly heard from him once in the past month and he said he's okay but needs to concentrate on himself. I apologized several times for contacting him so much when this first happened, as I know he wants space and I am new to this and just wanted to help. Now I've only been reaching out once a week or less to just say I'm available to talk when he's ready. I don't really need advice, I was just looking for support from those going through this. I'm not willing to give up and keeping positive that he will be back and speak to me once he is back in his own mindset and has worked on his mental state as he needed to do. The upsetting part is having no idea when I will hear from him. It sucks not having him to talk to like I used to and I miss him a lot. I know everyone is different but at the same time so similar with how they react and process.

I'm thinking that when this happens (for the first time especially) it must be extremely scary and that maybe speaking to others who haven't been through it is just hard and well his "cup" may have spilled over"?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Sufferer here.

Are you two dating? I ask because, well the expectation of hearing from someone is a bit higher when dating and much lower if not.

If I am not dating someone, I do not go out of my way to contact them to let them know I am still here. Friends will hear from me when they hear from me.

Equally, I am not expecting friends to be anxiously waiting by their phones to hear from me so the need to reach out will be much lower.

Why do PTSDers isolate when others with PTSD do not? Numberous reasons. PTSD is a hyper arrousal disorder. When triggered we may lash out. We may fight. We may explode. We may disocciate and just be gone. I will explode and lash out and I will also sit on the dark bathroom floor for an entire day with my service dog. It's a nasty disorder when in the core of it, the hell part or the bulk of it, and that is something we want to save supporters from seeing and from being the brunt of it. As in being the one we lash out or explode at.

And we really need space to figure out our junk. To get our heads right. We are playing out our traumas in the present and we need space to figure that all out. If that makes sense. PTSD is unique in the fact that it is the past being relived in the present. Thats rough and its not really for supporters to see plus you can't do anything to help anyway. So why make you feel even more helpless?

 

[Songbirdhero]

Sufferer here.

Are you two dating? I ask because, well the expectation of hearing from someone is a bit higher when dating and much lower if not.

Thanks for your input and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Our relationship is a bit...complicated? We both are in other relationships (unhappy ones at best) and well, we started talking and care about each other a lot for sure and I'm not sure what the future holds but we became close fast. So I would definitely say we are more than friends. We are a gray area.

I keep telling myself it's not about me, he's not mad at me, this is about him and what he's dealing with. And this is completely foreign to me. When someone doesn't speak to me I think they are mad at me. Trying to alter my own mindset as well.
I don't know how long someone seeks their safe place to be alone, it seems like everyone is different but it's been a long few weeks so I can only imagine what it's been like for him.

 

[LuckiLee]

What makes you think he was triggered?

From what I've learned about PTSD is that drama and PTSD don't mix well. And both of you being in other relationships equals drama. It just adds another layer of stress.

You mentioned you think he'll be back when he's back in his own mindset and works on his mental state. Do you realize trauma therapy takes years and even decades to work through? Most of the people here have been in therapy most of their adult lives. And still struggle, daily.

Is he in therapy?

 

[Songbirdhero]

What makes you think he was triggered?

From what I've learned about PTSD is that drama and PTSD don't mix well. And both of you being in other relationships equals drama. It just adds another layer of stress.

You mentioned you think he'll be back when he's back in his own mindset and works on his mental state. Do you realize trauma therapy takes years and even decades to work through? Most of the people here have been in therapy most of their adult lives. And still struggle, daily.

Is he in therapy?

He was hospitalized and told me what happened. I didn't talk to him long enough when we spoke last to know if he's in therapy. I honestly don't know if he was in treatment in the past either, before I knew him. He told me what happened that caused the trigger. I understand that he will have to deal with this forever and he's had PTSD for over a decade. He told me this never happened before and I am guessing this is how he personally needs to handle it. He said he needs time to work on himself so I read that as temporary. I guess time will tell. I care about him and I'm worried and just hoping he's doing okay.

 

[Freida]

It makes my supporters nuts when I isolate instead of reaching out. They want to be there for me, give me hugs, make sure I understand they understand what I'm going thru, want to comfort me, blah blah blah.

Nope.

Not what I want
I want to be left alone
Because I can be MEAN. Ya- as in capital letters MEAN, I WILL take it out on them because my brain is melting and I can't deal. Like @lostforgottensoul said -- it's just to much. I need that space between myself and other humans -- even ones that care about me.

Its just how it works for me
So THEY have to be ok with not helping. And I have no idea how they do it.

 

[Songbirdhero]

It makes my supporters nuts when I isolate instead of reaching out. They want to be there for me, give me hugs, make sure I understand they understand what I'm going thru, want to comfort me, blah blah blah.

Nope.

Not what I want
I want to be left alone
Because I can be MEAN. Ya- as in capital letters MEAN, I WILL take it out on them because my brain is melting and I can't deal. Like @lostforgottensoul said -- it's just to much. I need that space between myself and other humans -- even ones that care about me.

Its just how it works for me
So THEY have to be ok with not helping. And I have no idea how they do it.

Oh it's extremely hard and emotionally exhausting, at least for me, to not be able to help and to not even be able to talk to him, even worse. It's in my nature to help those who are hurting and this breaks my heart so I'm trying to read and understand as best as I can what he is going through so that I can respond (or in this case give him space) as he needs. I guess our situation complicates things.

 

[LuckiLee]

He was hospitalized which tells me he was in a very bad place, mentally. Knowing what I know now I would leave him be to take care of himself and get the help he needs and deserves.

You already let him know you're there for him when he's ready to talk. That, unfortunately is all you can do. It sucks for sure. But I think the bigger picture is that it sounds like he's in a place where he wants to get help. <<<That is a huge step and takes every ounce of strength and courage to do. Bravo to him!!

Let him reach out to you. In the meantime work on you and the relationship that you're not very happy in. Time to get yourself back in your own "mindset". ?

Prayers for your Veteran and the 22 who won't see tomorrow!

XO

Edit after reading your last post. @Sweetpea76 always says giving space is a loving act. I feel in this case it could also be a lifesaving act. ❤

 

[Songbirdhero]

He was hospitalized which tells me he was in a very bad place, mentally. Knowing what I know now I would leave him be to take care of himself and get the help he needs and deserves.

You already let him know you're there for him when he's ready to talk. That, unfortunately is all you can do. It sucks for sure. But I think the bigger picture is that it sounds like he's in a place where he wants to get help. <<<That is a huge step and takes every ounce of strength and courage to do. Bravo to him!!

Let him reach out to you. In the meantime work on you and the relationship that you're not very happy in. Time to get yourself back in your own "mindset". ?

Prayers for your Veteran and the 22 who won't see tomorrow!

XO

Edit after reading your last post. @Sweetpea76 always says giving space is a loving act. I feel in this case it could also be a lifesaving act. ❤

Thank you for the kind words. You're going to make me cry and I've literally cried everyday for weeks over this. He's a special guy and I really care about him and think alot now from what I've learned, about PTSD and those daily 22. That is one thing that worries me but he has assured me 2 weeks ago during our brief talk he was doing ok. You are right, I need to respect his request for space so I don't push him away permanently and I feel better having the last thing I said to him be that I am here for him and always will be when he's ready to talk. His hospitalization scared me more than I thought it would and then not being able to talk for weeks is so hard but I need to work on my own things like you said and take care of myself as well.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but we became close fast.

This might be an issue. Anything fast usually causes a lot of stress. And can cause me to need more space for longer periods of time or to bolt entirely.

We both are in other relationships (unhappy ones at best)

Are these committed relationships? If so, being committed means not seeing others, typically. Some are in more open relationships and if so, cool. If not, not cool. I can see him conflicted and this, in of itself causing him to distance himself from you, if he is in a non-open, don't see other people, commited relationship with another person. He is commited to that other person and that other person deserves for him to be there or to break up before he is with you.

Confict of this nature is very stressful. And it happening so fast, adds even more strss. Stress equals overfilling of that stress cup faster. If he is in a non-open commited relationship, give him space to figure that all out first. Be it staying with them or not. And if so, and if you are still a friend at that point, he will need to figure that out.

All of this can cause him to bolt. Or to at least need a lot of space to figure it all out. If that makes sense.

 

[Songbirdhero]

This might be an issue. Anything fast usually causes a lot of stress. And can cause me to need more space for longer periods of time or to bolt entirely.

Are these committed relationships? If so, being committed means not seeing others, typically. Some are in more open relationships and if so, cool. If not, not cool. I can see him conflicted and this, in of itself causing him to distance himself from you, if he is in a non-open, don't see other people, commited relationship with another person. He is commited to that other person and that other person deserves for him to be there or to break up before he is with you.

Confict of this nature is very stressful. And it happening so fast, adds even more strss. Stress equals overfilling of that stress cup faster. If he is in a non-open commited relationship, give him space to figure that all out first. Be it staying with them or not. And if so, and if you are still a friend at that point, he will need to figure that out.

All of this can cause him to bolt. Or to at least need a lot of space to figure it all out. If that makes sense.

Makes sense and I honestly don't know much. I wanted to discuss it and then he was hospitalized and obviously now is not the time. We started talking and hit it off but I know it complicates things and that could also be why he's not speaking to me right now. This isn't something I expected, including what he's going through now but I will still be here if/when he needs me unless he tells me otherwise.

 

[joeylittle]

You are right, I need to respect his request for space so I don't push him away permanently and I feel better having the last thing I said to him be that I am here for him and always will be when he's ready to talk. His hospitalization scared me more than I thought it would and then not being able to talk for weeks is so hard but I need to work on my own things like you said and take care of myself as well.

I'm glad you're taking in @LuckiLee's advice on this, it's really great advice.

Oh it's extremely hard and emotionally exhausting, at least for me, to not be able to help and to not even be able to talk to him, even worse. It's in my nature to help those who are hurting and this breaks my heart so I'm trying to read and understand as best as I can what he is going through so that I can respond (or in this case give him space) as he needs.

I'd say, this (above) is what you could work on. It's not necessarily a bad thing to want to help people when they are struggling - but your own emotional stability and happiness can't be dependent on people letting you help them. That need can become very dysfunctional, very quickly.

My advice would be to do some work (perhaps with a counselor or therapist) around identifying your own needs and putting those more 'in front', in your life.