Can you crack open some self-soothing then? Lower the expectations, and take time out to enjoy putting on a fresh pair of socks, rubbing in a scented hand cream, etc. Really slowed down, sensory soothing stuff. Maybe help bring the stress level down a little?
Can try.
Re the stuff that you don’t want to write about, do I remember right that you used to do art? Or sketch? One of the common art therapy tasks we used to get was to take a situation that was causing distress, and do 2 pictures: the first, is how things are for you with this issue, how it makes you feel, how it effects you, in a drawing. The second, is you then draw your world where this problem is resolved, and representing what that would be like, in a picture.
Sounds like a pretty awesome exercise. I am an artist but cant draw worth a damn anymore because my brain is so loud. I used to be able to quiet down all but one or a few emotions and put those emotions in the art piece. I would loose myself for hours or even an entire day and have no idea that it had been that long. Sort of what the idea of the legos is supposed to help me with.
That said, maybe I could make something, even if it looks weird to everyone else. I sort of like the idea because its another way to reintroduce drawing/painting back to my brain. My therapist and I worked on this and worked on this and worked on this and I would just end up frustrated each time. So, I like that idea for anything really. Not just this one thing. There are plenty of times that I have no words for what I am feeling so that is an awesome idea to take with in those times.
The forum thing
@joeylittle helped to lessen my fear of talking about it. I didn't want it to come across wrong and then I get into trouble or banned or something.
I have this weird fear of the forum. It's, I think, a lot to do with exposure to what's talked about here and maybe an over protective part but its been going on for months. Been a topic in therapy a lot. What happens is I end up thumbing through but never clicking on any threads and then bailing back out to youtube or something. And then that, over and over again, never being able to click on one thread. So I thought I would follow the admin around (why the admin? Cause it felt weird to follow around anyone else. Best I could do there) but that would expose me to threads and helped some. But that led to replying too fast and not understanding the situation. Because, they are the admin afterall. So, then I was like, supporters. That not too hard. Then that led to swamping the supporters area.
That was better wording then I had last night. Cool.
I have tried to make threads about it but always bailed being too scared it would come across as blaming the forum or something (which I'm not. I know its a me issue) so just never did.
It's important to me because, literally, this forum is my only support system and I think I saw why I really need to feel ok and safe to post on here. In the sufferers areas of course.
I don't know why all of a sudden its started to be this thing to fear. I don't know what started that. My therapist has asked that and I just cannot pinpoint what or why it started. Other then lately a lot of things are things to fear. I sort of lost myself in an unhealthy sub Reddit for a while. But got banned from there. And sort of glad that I did today because it was rather toxic. But now trying to get some exposure to threads without following people around seems to be impossible and following people around isn't seeming to be the best idea because trying to upread the entire situation up to that post is quite hard for someone that's dyslexic and already needing to read something 8 times to fully understand what its saying is hard enough. I want to be able to naturally read and reply to threads as you normally would but have no idea how to break out of this "this forum is a super scary place" place that my head is at.
If anyone has any ideas about that, that would be tremdous help. Its obviously not the only thing that led to me cutting again but it was at least part of the reason. Mainly it was a build up of an already going downhill mental state which something seemingly small just pushed me over. I think anyway. But would help if I felt safe enough to post on here for support before that push over the edge time. If that makes sense.
