Wanting to Mention trauma-based anything without the room going Quiet

[EveHarrington]

Point taken, but still ppl talk about anxiety pretty openly.

Anxiety is far from trauma.

Faaaaaaar.

The appropriate person to talk to about these things is your therapist.

I actually do go so far as to say that saying too much about our trauma is selfish because we can inadvertently put images of us being traumatized into the minds of those we love. (Don’t believe me? There have been more than a few supporters who have written about this here on the forum, and just how hard it is for them to deal with being told details about how their loved one was traumatized.)

There is also the issue of boundaries. You don’t want to turn your friendship into being all about your trauma. Friends are not trained to deal with such heavy things.

You jump from talking about half goat kids to trauma or something like that which makes me believe that the conversations with your friends are lighthearted, even if about serious topics. Trauma doesn’t lend itself to this kind of conversation.

 

[Nyssa]

Sometimes I wish I could talk about it as if it was not that heavy. But it is.

 

[candor]

We inadvertently hurt those we love and/or strangers all the time. For some of us, keeping silent is not an option. I was fortunate to have grown up in nyc in the 70s. Victims of assault and violence could choose between denial, silence, repression or a life of educating yourself. We were between 17-20 and our little group of friends talked about horrific things that should never happen to kids. Some of us left the country. Some overdosed. Most of us survived because we had someone who simply listened. Life trained us to talk about heavy things. We were at war with the thoughts that made it hard to study, work and have relationships. We were at war with our feelings that either shut down or flooded us. I was so lucky to have been taught how to be vulnerable and how to connect to total strangers in minutes at such an early age. My family could not support me like my friends did. This attitude that "the appropriate person to talk to about these things is your therapist" depends on so many things. like your ability to trust, your ability to pay and your willingness to change. I am quick to apoligize if I sense that my topics are too much but I know how to talk to nons and sufferers alike being somewhere in between myself.

I find it easiest to talk with 20-30 year olds and I am at least twice that age. They are far far more well informed due to the internet and streaming series that do their best to break down the walls. We need to decide for ourselves. Do we accept the tabu or do we tear down the walls of silence? Who does it benefit that we talk openly ourselves or others? If someone walks away or ignores what I have to say well....I either get curious and ask or find another crowd. Eventually, someone from the crowd will come back and talk about someone close to them who they are concern about...someone who like you and me needs the right kind of help. And they usually even say thank you. :-)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Personaly? I don't talk to anyone but my therapist about the details of my trauma. Why? For many reasons. He's ok with me talking about torture and trafficking and other heavy topics like I am talking about the weather. He's ok with my flat affect of it all. Most others look at me like I have two heads because I am listing off torture like I am saying it's raining outside. And I hate that. It's rather triggering. It makes me feel super abnormal when in fact, that is quite normal for those traumatized. And I can't help the fact that I have a flat affect about it and my therapist gets that.

I don't want them to give me the pitty face that seems to happen when you tell non-traumatized folks the details of trauma and I hate that. Very much. My therapist gives me pretty much zero pitty. There have been a few times but I read it as empathy, not pity, because of the way he looked and talked.

Then theres the reactions of "no! I don't want to hear anymore" and then walk away like I am a zoombie or something. Something my therapist also doesn't do but most others do. My therapist can sit through some of the most graphic stuff. Most others can't that I have found.

Then there is the major minimizing. This happens with my dad and step mom mostly as I have told them the most. My dad is the one that does this the most. While in conversations he minimizes down to it not being trauma at all and it being my fault. When he first learned that I was beaten by my mom & step dad, years before I confesed it was a cult and there was torture. He asked what I did to make them so mad at me. Then when he learned that I was sexually abused (same day, neither came from me) he asked if I enjoyed it. I was 6. To him, even though I was 6, if I enjoyed it then it wasn't abuse. He is the biggest reaaon why I today, refuse to tell anyone else. I bared my soul to him and he minimized it, to me, to being ok and not trauma and not abuse.

My therapist says that, that's literally the term "that's unbelieveable". That most don't want to believe this stuff happens.

So, I guess it depends on who you are opening up to. How they will take it. And your own issues and triggers surrounding their reactions. Is there a social acceptable way to talk about it? It depends on your audience and you, yourself and your feelings around it. Many refuse to keep it a secert anymore and that's totally ok. Many, like myself, will keep it a secert except to my therapist likely until I die. Will take it to my grave and only tell my therapist. But that may change later in life in I can find someone else that accepts a flat affect about it. Won't give me the pity faces and words. Won't treat me like some zombie weirdo, and won't minimize it. If that person comes along then I will likely break my silence but not until then. And that's ok too.

Not sure if I answered the OP's question or not but I tried.

 

[CanDo]

I think there needs to be boundaries for those who would misuse the information, gossips, people who don't have good intentions, or just nosy neighbors. Protect what's vulnerable. The problem is if you can't keep it from showing on the outside.

When the symptoms surface and there is nothing you can do to prevent it looking odd outwardly, you're there already. If you've covered for it with silly things that ppl come up with on their own explaining what they see...things that make it socially acceptable/understandable to them. They've been around you. They're obviously comfortable with you, otherwise you wouldn't still be hanging out.

So how hard would it be during everyone's opening up and sharing session to casually mention the T-bomb without it being shocking? (Depending on your comfort level with what it was). It already shows. It's what they've been seeing the whole time, they just thought it was something else.

 

[candor]

I talk about some of my trauma cause it has been my way of not feeling shame for any of the things that I was not responsible for. It's a way of expressing, wasn't my fault. We all keep some secrets but if I feel it's ok to mention something I just do cause I can't control or correctly predict how someone reacts. I am way more careful not to hurt someone than have any concern of getting hurt. I just stopped caring or just feel less. I won't force anyone to open up. I treat anyone who does the way I want to be treated. I'm really sorry that ppl have had unspeakable things happen to them. I sincerely believe that we are in some places and cultures getting good at validating rather than dismissing what some need to say. I believe it to be healing.

 

[candor]

It already shows.

So so true. In my case, I sense. Visual cues are my blind spots but my ears wow.. I can hear it in your voice and the way you pause..and no I am not psychic, we all have these abilities to a greater and lesser degree. Also I believe that the more we drop the T-bomb the easier it gets for ppl to hear it and the stigmatization has to change. We must lead. We must change. This forum has changed me. Just written words from ppl that went through the same.. it was very therapeutic for me and I became aware about how wide spread these symptoms are and then I understood that the way others behave was not something I needed to take personally just like others do not need to take my behaviour personally. If written words can make such an impact imagine what spoken words can do. We don't need to make it about us. We can just say "Some ppl" or "I know someone". I think of it as a kind of me too movement. It is healing to know that we are not alone-

 

[candor]

40 years ago, we couldn't talk about sexuality. Having any different preference made you suspect and worse prosecuted. To end this some brave few spoke out into the quiet room. This was in spite of the status quo..in spite of the consensus of what is appropriate .......and the world everywhere changed and is changing. I am comfortable with my diagnosis and refuse to live in fear. And ironically, the need to tell my stories to anyone is less cause the pain I use to associate with them is gone. We should get scared when we get use to and accept the silence.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I never talk about my trauma unless it's online, in a place where it's relatively safe to talk about it. It is so horrible I don't want others to live with the picture in their minds. I guess it depends on the kind of trauma you have. I know someone who has PTSD from a car accident, much easier for her to share her trauma, and much easier for others to hear about it. There is also the chance you might retraumatize yourself by speaking about it. We are all in different places in our recovery, so we will have different ideas about sharing. Sexuality is a human norm, trauma isn't. I really wouldn't want someone to tell me their trauma, I'm not equipped to handle it. I can't read the trauma diaries yet.

 

[CanDo]

Unless it was something like a car crash, I personally would not go into specifics, but just to casually in the broadest of terms mention that you had a bad experience and are dealing with some emotional, anxiety-type stuff from it, I don't see why that is so difficult for ppl to hear.

I'm not suggesting for anyone else here, but actually trying to work out something myself, that you can say and have it be alright. (so you have something better to say than, "Oh look, a penny," when you dive for cover after hearing the backfiring of a car.)

Maybe, "I'm going through something really difficult right now and have some emotion and anxiety from it."

If you say, "bad experience", I guess the problem is it always goes back to "what was it?" in everyone's mind.

 

[katz]

I wish that I had someone to tell my story to. I had hoped that my husband would be that person. But, alas. He just says to 'forget about it. Put it behind you. It shouldn't bother you anymore."

I wish it was that easy.

I tried to explain to him that it is like a room with papers all over the floor. I need to pick up each one and put it in the file cabinet. It may take me some time to get everything "filed" away - but I have to. Somehow. Alone.

 

[DharmaGirl]

experience and are dealing with some emotional,

I just say I have PTSD, and if they want details, I say that I don't talk about it. That should be enough.

Put it behind you. It shouldn't bother you anymore."

It's not what happened that is bothering you, it's the changes in your brain caused by what happened that's bothering you. You can't put your brain in the past. You can change it by working through what happened to you. I would suggest a trauma therapist, since as others have noted, they are trained to hear what you have to say, and know how to teach you to heal.