Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

This is really good to hear coming from you! And so healthy! Like anything, it takes practice. Damn, i almost fell on the floor when you said that! :laugh:

I know right? Some big progress with my obsessive self ?

 

[Deanna]

I know right? Some big progress with my obsessive ass ?

You do try to make everyone perfect. Bless your ❤.Allowing yourself to have some space is huge. Believing in yourself is even better!

 

[HealingMama]

You do try to make everyone perfect. Bless your ❤.Allowing yourself to have some space is huge. Believing in yourself is even better!

I agree. Let's hope this sinks in some...

If it doesn't, progress not perfection right? ?

 

[HealingMama]

I have been reading more about perfectionism. I wonder if I have a variation of OCD or OCPD. Apparently there is a little known condition called Relationship OCD where you become obsessive about the relationship. I always thought my obsessive need to target all the problems large and small was related to my dad's death. But maybe I have this problem instead or in addition to others.

Obsessions related to the relationship
Is this the best I can do?
There's a problem? Must root it out completely and talk it to death.
Maybe I would be better off single.
Apologies and repair efforts must be perfect or they don't count.
There must be passion, attention, perfect communication

Compulsions associated with obsessions
Endless research about the problem du joir
Fixations on problems
Seeking reassurance
Escalating need for contact
Punishing when my partner doesn't meet my high standards

Ugh. Well, knowledge is power.

 

[somerandomguy]

A lot of OCD symptoms are also symptoms of PTSD. My wife constantly tells me I have pure O OCD, but I've never been diagnosed and I feel pretty confident that it's just hypervigilance from the PTSD.

 

[Jade-]

Perfectionism is also a part of codependency.Could that be something that's possible for you @HealingMama ?

 

[HealingMama]

Yep, absolutely. That might explain why I've not been able to leave a relationship that brings no joy or feelings of consistent support, and why we get upset with each other for being in a bad mood. Good point @JadeB.

 

[Deanna]

Yep, absolutely. That might explain why I've not been able to leave a relationship that brings no joy or feelings of consistent support, and why we get upset with each other for being in a bad mood. Good point @JadeB.

I wonder why its so hard for you to leave? That statement is not meant to put u on the spot. But you both argue and fight. Is it the finances? I think you said you didn't want to raise your child alone but this isn't good for him/her. You should be thinking about more babies, having fantastic time with someone you love, going out and drinking a glass of wine once in awhile. Can't figure out why this ain't happenin'!

 

[HealingMama]

I wonder why its so hard for you to leave? That statement is not meant to put u on the spot. But you both argue and fight. Is it the finances? I think you said you didn't want to raise your child alone but this isn't good for him/her. You should be thinking about more babies, having fantastic time with someone you love, going out and drinking a glass of wine once in awhile. Can't figure out why this ain't happenin'!

Me neither. I am afraid to be a single parent. I would get very little time off as he would probably move out of state. I feel bad for my son to go from a daily fatherly presence to once per month if that. I also find it very hard to manage my full-time job, toddler parenting, side gig and self care. If we divorce I would qualify for better tax rates and could downsize and eventually stop the extra work but I dread that awful in between stage where things are in flux.

I dread sharing a home with him as we go through a divorce. I'm an empath and I pick up on his depression. He also attempted suicide when his first wife initiated a divorce.

I suppose I'm also worried that he would go for custody and if he won I would have to pay child support and barely see my kid although he wouldn't be able to move away in that situation. Realistically I doubt the courts would give him custody even though I'm in a father's rights state for reasons I don't want to discuss here. Even if he tries to claim my mental illness makes me unfit I could tear his case apart but I really hate doing stuff like that so I hope it wouldn't go that direction.

He went out of town today and left super early and i found myself thinking if he wrecked and died I wouldn't mind because then I would be totally out of my marriage without any legal paperwork or additional cost or long drawn out painful effort.

I can tolerate an insane amount of pain, stress and effort to solve a problem, but I lose that ability rapidly for problems that will require multiple days of drawn out discomfort. That is part of why i don't stay unemployed. I'm always in a hurry to solve the problem. I can put myself through insane amounts of hell if that means there will be a swift resolution. You can't hurry divorce.

Unfortunately the issues from the previous day came back up and he left on bad terms. And today I had to call in sick because all the stress caught up wkth me and he keeps calling and texting trying to get me to help him solve a problem with getting a rental car. We have family that will let him borrow a car so why when we have $35k of debt basically all his doing does he think it is a good idea to pay for a rental and why when he has rented before can he not remember there is a deposit he has to pay. His lack of planning is a constant issue and I'm tired of helping him clean up his messes. Feeling resentful today.

Let's hope he can get to the child support office on time. Sigh.

 

[HealingMama]

I wonder why its so hard for you to leave? That statement is not meant to put u on the spot. But you both argue and fight. Is it the finances? I think you said you didn't want to raise your child alone but this isn't good for him/her. You should be thinking about more babies, having fantastic time with someone you love, going out and drinking a glass of wine once in awhile. Can't figure out why this ain't happenin'!

Believe it or not we actually keep the fights away from toddler pretty well. Toddler knows we sleep separately but we don't treat it as weird and plenty of couples do even if they get along.

I definitely do not want anymore babies. I have too much anxiety for that and get too overwhelmed with the mess that nobody else feels responsible for managing. Not to mention I am a bit of a rage monster in pregnancy and in the sleep deprived postpartum period ?

If I do divorce I will be single for a long time. Might have a friend with benefits. Probably a woman this time. I do not feel like commitment is good for me. I'm too worn out and clearly my barometer for a suitable partner is really broken ?

 

[HealingMama]

2.5 hours of asking me to help him solve this stupid rental car problem. I finally said enough. Calling me from the child support office is the only additional energy I can give him today.

 

[Jade-]

How is your husband when it comes to your PTSD? Is he understanding,helpful? Is he supportive at all? Does he overlook your angry outbursts or try to comfort you during flashbacks or when you've been triggered?

I'm just curious.

Sorry the whole rental car thing was so frustrating for you.Do you think it's due to his ADHD? My son has ADHD and there were times years ago that I would get so frustrated with him over things that he just really struggled with. Like remembering things,following directions, etc.