Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

How is your husband when it comes to your PTSD? Is he understanding,helpful? Is he supportive at all? Does he overlook your angry outbursts or try to comfort you during flashbacks or when you've been triggered?

I'm just curious.

Sorry the whole rental car thing was so frustrating for you.Do you think it's due to his ADHD? My son has ADHD and there were times years ago that I would get so frustrated with him over things that he just really struggled with. Like remembering things,following directions, etc.

He is very understanding about any manifestation of my problems that isn't pointed at him. If I'm upset with him whether trauma related or not he's very difficult. He's always been understanding about sexual manifestations of my issues. He doesn't tolerate aggravation.

The rental issue is definitely an ADHD problem. He can't help it but it drives me insane and I'm chronically angry.

 

[Jade-]

He is very understanding about any manifestation of my problems that isn't pointed at him. If I'm upset with him whether trauma related or not he's very difficult. He's always been understanding about sexual manifestations of my issues. He doesn't tolerate aggravation.

The rental issue is definitely an ADHD problem. He can't help it but it drives me insane and I'm chronically angry.

Your husband sounds alot like mine. As long as what I'm upset/triggered/angry about has nothing to do with him he's pretty good at being there for me.If it's anything about him or even indirectly about him he gets all defensive and we end up arguing.

When I read where you said :

He went out of town today and left super early and i found myself thinking if he wrecked and died I wouldn't mind because then I would be totally out of my marriage without any legal paperwork or additional cost or long drawn out painful effort

Tbh,it made me gasp a little. I don't mean to offend you but if your marriage and your life with him is so miserable that you would think that,are any of the reasons you're staying worth it?

 

[HealingMama]

Your husband sounds alot like mine. As long as what I'm upset/triggered/angry about has nothing to do with him he's pretty good at being there for me.If it's anything about him or even indirectly about him he gets all defensive and we end up arguing.

When I read where you said :


Tbh,it made me gasp a little. I don't mean to offend you but if your marriage and your life with him is so miserable that you would think that,are any of the reasons you're staying worth it?

Yeah, I surprised myself too. I'm just so tired of things being bad. It's exhausting. It was tolerable when we were both trying. I don't actually wish for anything bad to happen to him but I am feeling so trapped and unsure how I could possibly tolerate the months long misery of a divorce.

I'm just really burned out. I need 4 days away from work and caring for a 2 yo myself. He will be gone for 4 days and the other kids are much older, he will have his parents there to help him, they will cook for them. He's getting a proper vacation. I'm sure there's a lot I would see differently if I got an adequate break. I've been working and solo parenting daily including weekends for a long time. I work more than one job because he doesn't make enough to cover everything. I need some rest. I'm sure that's a lot of the problem.

 

[Jade-]

I guess you need to decide which is worse,which would be harder to tolerate,staying or leaving.

And I need to take my own advice I guess.

 

[Deanna]

I'm just really burned out. I

At least you're honest about it. I had that problem too, in a couple of relationships, and it would come on quick. Today, I take meds and I'm better. I'm sorry you're burned out, but I've been there. ( wanted to throw them over a balcony, burned out-- just sayin')

Edit: the last guy I was married to in 1994 didn't make hardly any money either. I worked myself into the ground.

 

[HealingMama]

At least you're honest about it. I had that problem too, in a couple of relationships, and it would come on quick. Today, I take meds and I'm better. I'm sorry you're burned out, but I've been there. ( wanted to throw them over a balcony, burned out-- just sayin')

Edit: the last guy I was married to in 1994 didn't make hardly any money either. I worked myself into the ground.

I don't want to pry but I'm curious what sort of medication helps with burnout.

Yeah the fact that I'm the breadwinner in a culture that doesn't pay women fairly to be breadwinners definitely makes it harder. He's a good guy and there's love there but the practical is just such a mess and I'm tired. I wish he had a normal job with PTO and a similar work schedule to mine that stayed consistent. His low paying shift work is just not cutting it.

I would have less money to work with if we divorce but could gry a smaller place, reduce healthcare costs etc. I made a list tonight of the things I do for him and the things he does for me. I could only think of 3 things he does for me. I even texted him to see what I'm leaving out. My list was much longer.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thank you for the kind words @TruthSeeker ?

Proud of myself. I approached an unmet need in a healthy way and my husband raised his voice and started cussing at me. I left it alone to focus on my self care. He texted if I was ok and I said yes, I'm avoiding you because you keep cussing at me. I told him if he doesn't have respectful things to say to leave me alone.

And I'm sticking to it. I can have self respect even if he doesn't think I'm worth respectful treatment.

He has since apologized but the boy kind of killed it for me today with that mess.

I deserve to be treated with respect.
I can take good care of myself even if others reflect misery.
My world doesn't need to revolve around my marriage.

Keep the faith, time for quiet responses....if he's raising his voice. Good luck...

 

[Deanna]

I would have less money to work with if we divorce but could gry a smaller place, reduce healthcare costs etc. I made a list tonight of the things I do for him and the things he does for me. I could only think of 3 things he does for me. I even texted him to see what I'm leaving out. My list was much longe

You are raising your son by yourself, now. I take Gabapentin and Effexor.

I just got off work two hours ago and now I have to work-out on the treadmill for an hour, then go to sleep to wake up early in the morning, to go to work with my assistant, then go to a memorial because my friend died- so I got to sign off of here. See ya tomorrow when I get a break! ? (night!)

 

[Deanna]

Wait a minute, that was wrong. I take 3 meds for daytime. Effexor, Gabapentin and Rexulti.. I left one out.

 

[HealingMama]

Last night on another forum someone shared screenshots of their spouse berating them and threatening divorce. I saw myself in it and realized all over again my own bad behavior contributing to the dysfunction of my relationship. I started doing ho'ponopono prayer to my husband and fell asleep like that.

He says he loves me and wants to stay married, but there's no rhyme or reason to my actions, and he can't find the magic key codes to turn me into a person that consistently sees his good intentions and picks my battles so he thinks nothing he says or does has a positive impact and he has given up saying or doing anything. Well, he's giving me the appearance of a loveless marriage.

I've told him if he has given up on this level then when he returns we need to discuss how to split as amicably as possible. I cant pay for almost everything for him and put up with his flaws if he won't keep trying to make me feel loved. This sounds really bad but if he were financially self-sufficient and helped with bills more i could probably put up with the neglect better. But as it stands he pays for daycare and I pay for everything else and also have to deal with his mess everywhere, broken promises etc. The emotional stuff is the reason I married him and if he is taking it away I can't tolerate the rest of it.

I have a house cleaner here and since his is out of town I can actually enjoy my clean house for a few days. It's lovely. Planning to take toddler out somewhere later today but I am not sure where yet. Beautiful weather so we will try to get outside.

 

[Deanna]

have a house cleaner here and since his is out of town I can actually enjoy my clean house for a few days. It's lovely. Planning to take toddler out somewhere later today but I am not sure where yet. Beautiful weather so we will try to get outside.

Awesome! The clean house takes a load of stress off of us! A real ? gift! I hope you enjoyed toddler today. You needed it! :happy:

 

[Gs172003]

What would you tell a client in your situation?