Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

What would you tell a client in your situation?

Good question. Depends on which day I see them ?

Seriously though, if I saw all this back and forth I would say think about compassion. You deserve compassion and so does he. Your expectations are not entirely unreasonable but some of them are absolutely unreasonable to expect from him. He has shown you what he is capable of. You need to be compassionate to yourself for being a woman that needs a dependable partner who works at creating security. It's ok to be a feminist who values a lot of what the traditional male socialization pushes the man to be. It's ok to want to be with someone that strives to have a decent job. It's ok to accept that some people will not improve as much as you want them to.

Your son may not see the arguing, but as he gets older he will notice the tension more. He's clearly very smart. So are you. You will figure out how to make single parenting work if you need to.

Your husband needs compassion and acceptance. He can't help much of what you get so upset about. It is important to realize that he will never be dependable. He will never take initiative. This is who he is. You either accept him as he is or you get out. It's not fair to either of you to stay while forcing him to become a different person.

Focus on taking care of yourself, meeting your own needs, let go of some of that extra work, find frugal ways to do more self care, and stop trying to have these big talks all the time. I think you both love each other, but sometimes love isn't enough and that's ok.

See yourself and him through the eyes of compassion. Your perfectionism is hurting both of you. Maybe the compassionate thing is to let go so he can stop trying to do the impossible and you can have more energy to devote to living a happy life instead of a life of turmoil.

Yes he "put up with you" and "stood by you" while you worked through some attachment issues, but the two of you are hurting each other on a near daily basis. He isn't going to be the person you want on all dimensions and it seems you won't or can't let go of that ideal to accept him as he is so the kind thing is to let him go. This isn't failure. This is accepting reality.

 

[HealingMama]

I'd also tell her it's ok to do nothing for a little while and enjoy having someone there that cooks dinner, does some toddler bedtimes, and is available to help with appointments, sick days, etc. But stop the pushing. Stop trying to make him be someone he's not. Stop talking about divorce until you have the papers ready to sit down and sort out the details. Give both of you a break from all this negativity.

You can express appreciation to him for things he's trying to do without deciding to stay forever. You can work on building him up so that leaving won't be so hard. You can see this as practice for next time. You have to learn to stop being so hard on people, yourself included.

If you're not going to end things in the immediate future, you need to work on being more compassionate and focus on taking care of yourself. He's not going to be the breadwinner. He's not going to be proactive. He's not going to come to you for sex. He's not going to pay attention to you. He has inattentive ADHD and his meds wear off by the time he gets home. You're a professional. You know what ADHD does. You need to accept the reality of that instead of blaming him for everything. Give your emotions a rest and take advantage of the practical help that he is capable of offering for now.

 

[HealingMama]

Awesome! The clean house takes a load of stress off of us! A real ? gift! I hope you enjoyed toddler today. You needed it! :happy:

Yes for the most part it was a lovely day. Toddler started testing boundaries later in the evening. I didn't lose my temper. After I put him to bed I did some yoga and meditation and burned some incense and imagined what it would be like if this became my life regularly. I think I could do it, it's the transitional stage that is so intimidating.


Today we might go to church if I can get myself together enough. Then we have a friend coming over. She is bringing me a gift from India ?

 

[Gs172003]

I'd also tell her it's ok to do nothing for a little while and enjoy having someone there that cooks dinner, does some toddler bedtimes, and is available to help with appointments, sick days, etc. But stop the pushing. Stop trying to make him be someone he's not. Stop talking about divorce until you have the papers ready to sit down and sort out the details. Give both of you a break from all this negativity.

You can express appreciation to him for things he's trying to do without deciding to stay forever. You can work on building him up so that leaving won't be so hard. You can see this as practice for next time. You have to learn to stop being so hard on people, yourself included.

If you're not going to end things in the immediate future, you need to work on being more compassionate and focus on taking care of yourself. He's not going to be the breadwinner. He's not going to be proactive. He's not going to come to you for sex. He's not going to pay attention to you. He has inattentive ADHD and his meds wear off by the time he gets home. You're a professional. You know what ADHD does. You need to accept the reality of that instead of blaming him for everything. Give your emotions a rest and take advantage of the practical help that he is capable of offering for now.

It sounds to me like you have your mind made up. He needs to know that. It's not fair to him to make him think there is a chance where there isn't.
It sounds to me like you need to sit down with him and let him know that you don't plan to stay with him and why. Let him know you are prepping for a divorce. Do NOT let him think he can fix things if he can't. That's unfair.

Also you will have to realize that nobody will meet all the needs that you want. There may be somebody that will meet more of them, but nobody will meet all of them. But even they will have things that will drive you crazy ?

 

[HealingMama]

It sounds to me like you have your mind made up. He needs to know that. It's not fair to him to make him think there is a chance where there isn't.
It sounds to me like you need to sit down with him and let him know that you don't plan to stay with him and why. Let him know you are prepping for a divorce. Do NOT let him think he can fix things if he can't. That's unfair.

Also you will have to realize that nobody will meet all the needs that you want. There may be somebody that will meet more of them, but nobody will meet all of them. But even they will have things that will drive you crazy ?

Well, I don't know that I do. That's the problem. If he could give me consistent heartfelt communication, plan dates without being asked/reminded, do more chores without being prompted, take care of his financial mistakes and get a better job so I could pay for more help to compensate for his weaknesses, and stop being so defensive and thinking that I am causing all our problems, I could stay. I'm just not sure he is capable. He's very stuck in his learned helplessness and inertia.

And like you said I may have unreasonable expectations. I have torn him down over the years. What if he works on himself and I stop being so negative and we actually get a healthy relationship out of it? I don't feel like it's likely, but it's possible. Hence me going up and down so much.

I told him I'd try counseling one more time. I'm trying to keep my word.

 

[Gs172003]

Now all of that said....my brother is severely adhd. He is also a psychiatric nurse practitioner. He was an ER nurse. To say your husband isn't capable of being a bread winner isnt necessarily true. With the right meds and treatment he could do fine.

 

[Gs172003]

Well, I don't know that I do. That's the problem. If he could give me consistent heartfelt communication, plan dates without being asked/reminded, do more chores without being prompted, take care of his financial mistakes and get a better job so I could pay for more help to compensate for his weaknesses, and stop being so defensive and thinking that I am causing all our problems, I could stay. I'm just not sure he is capable. He's very stuck in his learned helplessness and inertia.

And like you said I may have unreasonable expectations. I have torn him down over the years. What if he works on himself and I stop being so negative and we actually get a healthy relationship out of it? I don't feel like it's likely, but it's possible. Hence me going up and down so much.

I told him I'd try counseling one more time. I'm trying to keep my word.

What if that was your child. Would you expect your child to function better being treated the way you say you treat your husband?

 

[HealingMama]

Now all of that said....my brother is severely adhd. He is also a psychiatric nurse practitioner. He was an ER nurse. To say your husband isn't capable of being a bread winner isnt necessarily true. With the right meds and treatment he could do fine.

You're right, but he has years of failures that he hasn't been able to overcome emotionally. He's also got some additional employment barriers I don't talk about here. I've got him started with Voc rehab which will hopefully help.

His parents did all the wrong things raising a kid with very severe ADHD.

It's not the ADHD necessarily that leads me to saying that. It's the way he's learned to deal with it. The passivity, learned helplessness, inertia, self esteem issues, etc in addition to forgetting to call back potential employers and other administrative deficits.

 

[HealingMama]

What if that was your child. Would you expect your child to function better being treated the way you say you treat your husband?

Good point. I should clarify that I've also encouraged him to get help, and there are times I've been very gracious about egregious errors. It's very hard to table my feeling of being taken for granted. I've said to him before that in spite of how overwhelmed I get and how harsh I can be about it, I'm probably his biggest cheerleader in terms of taking care of himself and getting past his self esteem issues and he agrees with me. Nobody has ever tried to help him do that before.

I could be much more supportive if I felt like he really sees me and sees everything I do for the family. It's hard to take on the lion's share of almost everything without being acknowledged for it and also help him without resentment.

A partner isn't a kid. A partner is expected to act like a partner. A kid is expected to need help. A partner is expected to need help occasionally but to also be able to function independently, and well enough to help the other sometimes.

I'd say that he does help when I'm truly incapacitated (although he pretty much just does the bare minimum, stays on top of the kid and feeds the kid but doesn't think about nutrition or enrichment and doesn't really clean) but seems to expect me to do absolutely everything otherwise, unless I specifically request his help.

I will come home to him being productive and he will literally slow to a halt and sit on the couch as soon as I get here as if he's unconsciously passed all the work to me. It drives me nuts.

 

[Gs172003]

Good point. I should clarify that I've also encouraged him to get help, and there are times I've been very gracious about egregious errors. It's very hard to table my feeling of being taken for granted. I've said to him before that in spite of how overwhelmed I get and how harsh I can be about it, I'm probably his biggest cheerleader in terms of taking care of himself and getting past his self esteem issues and he agrees with me. Nobody has ever tried to help him do that before.

I could be much more supportive if I felt like he really sees me and sees everything I do for the family. It's hard to take on the lion's share of almost everything without being acknowledged for it and also help him without resentment.

A partner isn't a kid. A partner is expected to act like a partner. A kid is expected to need help. A partner is expected to need help occasionally but to also be able to function independently, and well enough to help the other sometimes.

I'd say that he does help when I'm truly incapacitated (although he pretty much just does the bare minimum, stays on top of the kid and feeds the kid but doesn't think about nutrition or enrichment and doesn't really clean) but seems to expect me to do absolutely everything otherwise, unless I specifically request his help.

I will come home to him being productive and he will literally slow to a halt and sit on the couch as soon as I get here as if he's unconsciously passed all the work to me. It drives me nuts.

Is he slowing down because of that or is he afraid of what you might say? I'm not criticizing you I'm just wanting you to think about it. I don't know your situation.

 

[Gs172003]

Maybe instead of working on him and his stuff maybe work on your perfectionism. Once that's under control deal with the couple issues . I've read somewhere that anxiety can cause that sometimes. The last thing you want if you do leave him is to have that bleed over onto your child.
Just wondering...you said your dad died...is that the cause of your PTSD? Could that be why you're afraid to be close to your husband?

 

[HealingMama]

Is he slowing down because of that or is he afraid of what you might say? I'm not criticizing you I'm just wanting you to think about it. I don't know your situation.

He would say he is slowing down because me showing up interrupts his momentum and makes him realize he wants to take a break. I just am so starved for seeing firsthand an impulse to pitch in that it's especially difficult to see that happen regardless of the reason.