Beginning to become stronger but still question my sanity

[Faketan]

I am in a toxic relationship with someone who blames me for all our problems, we have been together 3 years . I am now a recovering PTSD survivor I would say. I have been to a really and caused alot of stress in the relationship but now I am regulated majority of the same and making big changes to create a better relationship.
My partner was really unsupportive during my PTSD and did not understand it all or try too. However he did begin to try and this is why we stayed together.

The last 6months have been alot more regulated for me and I have put effort into dealing with my insecurities and possessive behaviour, which he also has it wasn't one sided, but I have changed.

Recently however I found him messaging another girl. He manages to turn everything around on me... It's because the state of our relationship, my overly sensitive emotions and he says if I was to change it our relationship would work.

I know in my head that this is not the case, he is negative, unsupportive, he vocally pulls me down and tells me he is trying to make me a better person, I get cussed out often and he doesn't appriciate what I do for him which is alot.

I have told him I expect Commitment, Understanding,Loyalty, Willingness,Clarity and Kindness. I understand that relationships are a choice, you have to choose to want them to work but he only sees the negative in me.

This may seem silly but even when I say these things and I know I am right and stupid for staying in a toxic relationship I still second guess myself. I blame myself for the state of the relationship even though I know it's both of us, I feel maybe I am overally sensitive and it stops me from letting go. The paid I feel when I try to walk away or he breaks up with me is too much for me to bare.

I am just looking for reassurance that I my wants are acceptable and really that I am not crazy.

 

[Sideways]

I have told him I expect Commitment, Understanding,Loyalty, Willingness,Clarity and Kindness.

These sound like rock solid and vey healthy values for a relationship.

Seeing someone on the side isn’t usually okay. Most people in a monogamous relationship wouldn’t put up with that.

Apart from self doubt, what are you reasons for staying (especially given you describe the relationship as ‘toxic’)?

Are you able to identify some positive reasons for leaving?

 

[Faketan]

Thank you for replying

His excuses for messaging someone were that our relationship was in ruins, so it's not like there was really a relationship. It's just excuses because he can not take responsibility. Deep down I think he has a personality disorder, not that I think labelling is good but I see the patterns.

My reasons for staying is that it hurts to much when I try to leave. I have tried my hardest to see the positives and I could but he will not see the positives. He breaks up with me because I don't call him for 3 hours after he told me to leave and not talk to him.

We have days a good and then one small arguement and he turns is into I ruined the day and our relationship is the worst thing he has ever been in.

I am dyslexic and unorganised so he feels he can not rely on me, this causes our biggest arguments. I try to be better organised and not to forget things but once I get comfortable again it happens or if I'm anxious which is alot of the time.

I have applied to start counselling to help me move away from the relationship now.
I blame myself for our relationship because of my PTSD but I did try my best to make up for what I was like.

Right now because of the stress I have started back with nightmares and High insecurities which is making me dream dreams full of rage, I really don't want to go back into that triggered state.

 

[Sideways]

I know in my head that this is not the case, he is negative, unsupportive, he vocally pulls me down and tells me he is trying to make me a better person, I get cussed out often and he doesn't appriciate what I do for him which is alot.

This stuff here? Makes it real hard to identify the positives of leaving. Because when you hear this stuff daily, from someone that matters, it almost becomes fact.

But, it isn’t fact.

Positive reasons for leaving, from where I’m sitting? Would be that you would no longer have someone telling you this BS about yourself.

You deserve better. It sounds a lot like your relationship with this person is costing you even your relationship with yourself. Like, feeling good about who you are.

I think the counseling is a great idea. I think the folks around this forum are a good supportive bunch as well.

Leaving isn’t easy. It’s not. While you work out your next move, try and be gentle with yourself.

 

[sunisstillshining]

It sounds like you have been through quite a lot. I would definitely suggest that you see a counselor. It sounds like you might have a support system that does not include your boyfriend. Maybe a counselor could be another person on your support team. Have you heard of the book Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud? It might be a good resource for you. Hope that helps and know that you can get through this. Please let us know how you are feeling.