Relationship Is he isolating and how do I deal with it?

[DDB]

It sounds to me like you're nearing the end of your patience with him; my advice would be to follow your own gut. If it's emotionally better for you to keep him off your mind for the time being - then I'd say, yeah, no text. Just let it all stay in a kind of pause, until he resurfaces. Then, check back in with this thread to remind yourself of how you felt and your determination to have this convo with him.

On the other hand, if that's not what feels right - if you want to put your feelings out there - then it's OK to just be honest. It sounds like you are both supportive and hurt, and it's ok that it's complicated like that. In other words, you don't have to shape how you communicate in a way that will somehow increase your chances of getting the response you'd like. Ultimately, that's not going to help your happiness.

I could be misreading where you're at w/your patience level - so feel free to disregard :) Our site motto is "take what's useful, leave the rest."

All best to you.

Thank you for your kind reply that makes sense, I find it hard to get him off my mind as when it’s good we’d communicate and text all day. So this cold turkey is tough.

Having been told by a 3rd party he’s suffers with ptsd it all fits so it wasn’t a great leap of imagination to make. I’ve only really heard of ‘isolating’ on this site and others but I just meant is this similar to shutting down or however else it may be worded. He told me himself he was in a dark place and didn’t speak to anyone for x amount of time I just thohhht it was work related not anything deeper which this may be.

Regardless I just appreciate support of others who understand so I can try to move forward with or without him. The not knowing for sure where he is or if he’s ok is very hard?

Ex supporter here. Obviously you are going through hell and I am sorry for that. I left my sufferer in May after two years of push-pull. He suffers from CPTSD. We were friends for four years before we became involved, so I knew him quite well. Here is the thing...if your man suffers from PTSD the disappearing act is something you have to get used to. Does it suck..ohhhh yes! You have to take care of you...easier said that done. If you are not ready to give up on him, then don’t, but you are in for a bumpy ride. As for me....I should have left him a few months into in...but I didn’t....blind with love. It doesn’t matter how much you educate yourself on PTSD...if he is not ready to listen, communicate or work with you...then you will just feel worse and worse until you are ready to give up. I am sorry to have to say that...I know it is painful ?

Thank you this is the stage I’m at totally.
I’ve seen a psychologist for depression much of it from being treated like this but she was amazing in that she treats ptsd so helps me understand a little more. Literally nothing I can do except suggest help if he contracts me ever again. Might not b able to resist sending a message as he’s not the only one going through hell for different reasons. Thanks for your support.

 

[Freida]

I’ve heard ptsd can be very treatable,

If he comes back and you set a ground rule for him to go to therapy, and he agrees.....
Things are going to get worse. MUCH worse. Some people can do therapy without meltdowns but there aren't very many.

I don't want to sound pessimistic but if you are already struggling with how ptsd affects your relationship I'm not sure you have a good grasp of what's going to happen next. PTSD treatment is flat out hell. And it can go on for YEARS. I have no idea how the supporters do it --- I'm in awe of those who can stick it out. So maybe a trip back to your therapist to help you understand ....
1 - why you want to stick it out
2 - what YOUR coping skills need to be

That might be helpful for you to prepare for what is going to happen next or if you need to walk away.
There is no shame for bailing on someone who treats you like crap.
No matter what the reason is for their behavior

 

[Respectfully1979]

.if he is not ready to listen, communicate or work with you

Can I ask when and how you know if they want to? Seems like an obvious question, I know... Is it a case of asking him and seeing what he says? My partner only communicates when it suits him. If I ask a question he doesn't want to answer, then I just get silence. How do you know if they want to work with you when they don't let you in? Do you just have to wait and ask when the time seems right? I seem to struggle making these decisions, especially when trying to balance being patient and giving space, but be gently assertive in order to meet your own needs at the same time.

 

[DDB]

Can I ask when and how you know if they want to? Seems like an obvious question, I know... Is it a case of asking him and seeing what he says? My partner only communicates when it suits him. If I ask a question he doesn't want to answer, then I just get silence. How do you know if they want to work with you when they don't let you in? Do you just have to wait and ask when the time seems right? I seem to struggle making these decisions, especially when trying to balance being patient and giving space, but be gently assertive in order to meet your own needs at the same time.

I would like to know this as well? very time I said anything vaguely emotional in text like ‘I just need a bit of a affection now and then...’ he would ignore it but other times he could open up a little....more so in person than in text and wish when I was with him I had tried to talk to him more about why he ignored me last year.

I still haven’t heard a word and he’s blocked me on WhatsApp which is so so painful I’m heartbroken. He hasn’t unfriended me on f book and I’m struggling to walk away. Seeing a psychologist for my own depression now as not coping with being treated like this by someone I still love.

Has anyone had a relationship work after the isolator has sought help? ?

 

[Butterfly64]

Can I ask when and how you know if they want to? Seems like an obvious question, I know... Is it a case of asking him and seeing what he says? My partner only communicates when it suits him. If I ask a question he doesn't want to answer, then I just get silence. How do you know if they want to work with you when they don't let you in? Do you just have to wait and ask when the time seems right? I seem to struggle making these decisions, especially when trying to balance being patient and giving space, but be gently assertive in order to meet your own needs at the same time.

That is a tough one...depends on your sufferer. My ex would send mixed signals...I want a relationship...I don’t want a relationship. I love you...I feel numb and I don’t know if I love you. My ex also only communicated when it suited him...or rather, when he wasn’t symptomatic. Even then I couldn’t trust his answers because he is so guarded when it comes to his heart and feelings for me. Admitting to loving me is dangerous and leads to relationship....a big no no! Like your guy, he wouldn’t let me in....too risky. Ask yourself this; do you walk upon eggshells when you want to ask him questions relating to the two of you, are you afraid you might not like the answers and can you even trust the answers to be true? If he won’t let you in now...will he ever? How long are you willing to wait for him, to maybe be willing to let you in? It doesn’t matter, if you are the most patient woman in the world...if he can’t communicate now...then when? If you are not ready to give up on him, then don’t. Letting go is painful! But at one point you will reach a point, where you have to take care of you. Even if he is the sweetest, hottest guy on this planet (my guy is ?) it really doesn’t matter, if PTSD doesn’t allow him to give you the love, attention and communication you deserve. Trust me, should you decide that you have done everything within your power to “get through” to him and it is time to leave, then it can be done! Yes it is hard! Some evenings I miss my ex so much it hurts....one text from me and he would be outside my door in seven minutes, BUT he still wouldn’t be able to let me get close to him, he would still be extremely guarded, he would still spend hours and hours with everybody but me, because being with me is stressful, because in his mind I have all sorts of expectations (I really don’t!). So should you decide it is time to leave, then my best advice is to go no contact whatsoever...torture I know

 

[Respectfully1979]

I really feel for you and could see how easily I could end up in the same situation tbh. Can I ask what the timeline has been?

That is a tough one...depends on your sufferer. My ex would send mixed signals...I want a relationship...I don’t want a relationship. I love you...I feel numb and I don’t know if I love you. My ex also only communicated when it suited him...or rather, when he wasn’t symptomatic. Even then I couldn’t trust his answers because he is so guarded when it comes to his heart and feelings for me. Admitting to loving me is dangerous and leads to relationship....a big no no! Like your guy, he wouldn’t let me in....too risky. Ask yourself this; do you walk upon eggshells when you want to ask him questions relating to the two of you, are you afraid you might not like the answers and can you even trust the answers to be true? If he won’t let you in now...will he ever? How long are you willing to wait for him, to maybe be willing to let you in? It doesn’t matter, if you are the most patient woman in the world...if he can’t communicate now...then when? If you are not ready to give up on him, then don’t. Letting go is painful! But at one point you will reach a point, where you have to take care of you. Even if he is the sweetest, hottest guy on this planet (my guy is ?) it really doesn’t matter, if PTSD doesn’t allow him to give you the love, attention and communication you deserve. Trust me, should you decide that you have done everything within your power to “get through” to him and it is time to leave, then it can be done! Yes it is hard! Some evenings I miss my ex so much it hurts....one text from me and he would be outside my door in seven minutes, BUT he still wouldn’t be able to let me get close to him, he would still be extremely guarded, he would still spend hours and hours with everybody but me, because being with me is stressful, because in his mind I have all sorts of expectations (I really don’t!). So should you decide it is time to leave, then my best advice is to go no contact whatsoever...torture I know

We were in a very happy relationship(albeit short) before his symptoms came back and when he does communicate I believe his words to be true. I am getting stronger at being upfront and assertive with him and not afraid to ask the difficult questions when I need to, but most of the time hold back in the vein of 'giving him space'. I have made a decision to stick with him for now and feel that I'll know if the time comes to walk away. I know his ex triggered him a lot when they argued and whilst this isn't a problem for us, I suppose right now he wants to avoid the emotions that come with being in a relationship too.

 

[Butterfly64]

We were in a very happy relationship(albeit short) before his symptoms came back and when he does communicate I believe his words to be true. I am getting stronger at being upfront and assertive with him and not afraid to ask the difficult questions when I need to, but most of the time hold back in the vein of 'giving him space'. I have made a decision to stick with him for now and feel that I'll know if the time comes to walk away. I know his ex triggered him a lot when they argued and whilst this isn't a problem for us, I suppose right now he wants to avoid the emotions that come with being in a relationship too.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you ?

 

[DDB]

I feel the same...I’m just waiting
Not giving up but just accepting I can’t move on yet for now
Good luck to you both it’s good to know we’re not alone ?

 

[Butterfly64]

I feel the same...I’m just waiting
Not giving up but just accepting I can’t move on yet for now
Good luck to you both it’s good to know we’re not alone ?

Finding this Forum after I decided to walk away and take my life back, has helped sooooo much. There are so many stories here VERY similar to mine.