Other Trigger: Bodyparts

[Ronin]

Hey,

No idea where to even start, with prefixes, because in my life it could go anywhere from childhood / military / emergency / domestic violence / death. Doesn't even goddamn matter as much.

I'm fairly stuck with that trigger. Doesn't bother me when I'm working. Doesn't bother me in semi right / expected it there, contexts. Fast road to hell in any other. Usually just re-repress the whole thing. Crack a lame joke or two about it and try to move on. Drink until I can't think, much less think of all the people.

But it's not something I processed, not even close. One of the things of those nightmares you pretend you don't even have, because it's just ugly and if it were a horror movie, you'd want a refund for distasteful experience, not what you signed up for, yanno?

& I have no f*cking idea where to even start.

 

[Tinyflame]

May not be helpful at all @Ronin , but my heart cries out for you. :cry:

Only to say, to think - Man's inhumanity to Man, and a symbol of evil.

However, to then say, where there is evil, grace is even more present. No one is a part, they are an indestructible whole with a spirit not bound by any one part. You will overcome or rise above this, as their own spirit did.

Peace to you. ?

:hug::hug::hug::notworthy:

 

[Friday]

Most days I only appreciate the hell out of my fingers, once or twice. I clench my fist, or trace a pattern, or flutter them just to check they’re still there, or deliberately pick up and hold something. Some days, over and over and over; I hold onto them and thank them for still being here and mourning their (eventual?) passing in fits and starts of fear and sadness. I love my fingers. That I still have all of them and that they all still more or less work is an ongoing marvel to me. A few are a little more wonky than the rest, but the hand surgeon did his job brilliantly. And I was lucky. I don’t expect to always be lucky. I may lose one or more of them at some point down the road, but at least I know I cherished them when I had them.

That’s probably my healthiest reaction to body parts?

When you’ve seen pieces hacked off, cut off, smashed, broken, burned, suddenly just not there, pieces in odd places (what IS that.... someone’s calf in a tree, probably their calf), rotting puffed up slimy gooey sludge, dried and chewed on, bullet paths and predation, explosions and falling heavy things, twisted round, filmed over, buggy, piled on, putrid, healthy glowing... it creates an odd mental map. It’s not a clean map like in books and TV, but more of a time lapse map? What something is, was, could be, isn’t... it can get kind of eye crossing. And it comes up in odd ways. Shoes scattered across the floor without feet in them is a good thing, usually, but sometimes my mind adds feet. And sometimes it adds people who ran out of their shoes. Even though they’re just shoes. Left by design rather than desperation or dismemberment.

There was a scene in a movie where a man win his back a web of scars was being drawn by another man... and a little girl called him beautiful. I don’t understand the revulsion by the other characters (or the people I was watching the film with)... because I agree with the little girl. His back was beautiful, and so was the man who bore them. Those scars tell me a story that I see the END of. The man there, in front of us, healthy and whole. Minus a few less essential things, but whole because HE was still there. Scars and all. A person isn’t the sum of what they’ve lost. A person is so much more than the pieces they’re made up of, or the condition that they’re in.

My mind and heart still goes sideways sometimes about pieces... parts... bodies... here and gone. Damaged or pristine. I think that’s okay? Like the flight of a bird it might not make sense to me, observing, but it makes sense to the bird.

 

[Ronin]

where there is evil, grace is even more present. No one is a part, they are an indestructible whole with a spirit not bound by any one part. You will overcome or rise above this, as their own spirit did.

Yeah, thats one part of it.

At least the childhood pieces part of it, The heiniousness & do not belong to humanity & What in the name of holy & f*ck that shit, people. Too many debts to too many.

Not so sure about grace, there, but I think I can get the other lines.
Like the, surviving people got through, lil asshole moi shoulda too.

And (peace) to you, Tinie. Thank you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Parts come and go @Ronin. It's hearts that count and your's is HUGE. That is why you (still) care, about them, and the people here now, despite all of it. That is grace over-flowing. ? :hug:

 

[Cypress]

I know this sounds kind of technical and I don't mean it to come off morbid or unfeeling but do you mean your own body parts or looking at body parts that are still attached to live people or body parts that are no longer part of a person?

Body parts don't trigger me but I feel tremendous sadness and grief when in the rare instance at work I see them alone and unattached, knowing they have no way to return to the home, the living body. I also imagine that the person who loses the part, misses it terribly.

We were meant to be whole.

 

[Ronin]

I know this sounds kind of technical and I don't mean it to come off morbid or unfeeling but do you mean your own body parts or looking at body parts that are still attached to live people or body parts that are no longer part of a person?

(Im still kind of avoiding the topic after asking cough, but clarification questions are good.)

partly I was thinking all of the above, but honestly, more other people.
I think Im most bothered by the suffering of people?
Which is kind of absurd disconnect, because people can suffer far f*cking more when asphyxiated, but that apparently doesnt bother me one bit, but amputations & limbs involving accidents are such a no go.

 

[Freida]

more when asphyxiated, but that apparently doesnt bother me one bit, but amputations & limbs involving accidents are such a no go.

Eyeball injures and burns. Nope! Give me cpr in progress or someone choking I'm your gal. But eyeball poked out or someone fell into the fire? It's all I can do not to puke - mostly because though I only heard it on the phone I then had to picture it in my head to get it into words on the screen. Plus those calls always involved lots of distinct screaming and there's not a damn thing I could do

I had a couple of those that gave me nightmares for months.

As for my own parts? I hate which ever one is hurting so I banish it to the screamer side of my brain. easy peasy right? :laugh:

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Sorry if this is off putting, I tell those around me (coworkers) in those kinds of situations that I’m fascinated by the medical mayhem and gore.
Inside though, and only just accepting that I’m with @Cypress.....alone and unattached, alive or dead I think about the whole body, the soul where the part originated from. I can’t just discard them from my mind.

Meh, that’s all for me for now. So, I guess I have a problem with body parts too. Lol

 

[Ronin]

I had a couple of those that gave me nightmares for months.

Yeah, I can totally see how they would. No eye pun intended.

Eye injuries bother me even as a threat, as in very pissed off very fast with a You just didnt.
Which is just other reason Im pissing myself off with the whole of this trigger, I aim for non reactive about the whole thing. Instead of this emo kid bullshit thing I have on, where I ruminate on it years later. >.>

Though it is useful to see its sort of a legit reaction to have, ngl. Makes me slightly less furious with myself.

 

[Freida]

Though it is useful to see its sort of a legit reaction to have, ngl. Makes me slightly less furious with myself.

This is where we of the public safety world get tangled up. We learn how to not react so well that we forget we are supposed to react

It's why we can do it and the other 97% of the world cant. But that doesnt mean it doesnt affect us. It probably affects us even more because we have to be active participants in horrible situations and we never get a chance to recover before we head off to the next one

Then one day it catches up with us and smacks us in the head. And we aren't prepared for the feelings it brings. The normal feelings we should have felt all that time ago

So getting mad at yourself for reacting now? Is kinda like being mad at the ocean for being wet. :)