Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

He gave me a big hug last night and said he's sorry for his part in the recent problems. I'm feeling very guarded still but it's starting to get better.

He also told me I misunderstood something about the sex. I felt like he was looking down his nose at makeup sex so I stopped initiating it. Now he tells me it's just like emotional whiplash for him that things are suddenly not just ok but ok enough for me to want to have sex. It was the middle of the night and I'm sick so I didn't want to get into a big conversation but it's not really that things are suddenly ok, it's that the bond is broken and sex is an easy way to try to restore it.

But also I cannot get the look on his face out of my head when I bring up the dry spell during an argument and he says things like why would I want to be with you when you act like this.

Sure, once things escalate I can be really awful, but in my perspective that happens because he won't stay and try to listen to me. He runs and hides or yells so he doesn't have to listen.

The man doesn't understand cause and effect of his actions. To be fair, at times I don't either.

I accidentally no showed a therapy session yesterday. I'm feeling bad about that. I put it on the calendar for next time.

I also have a sinus infection and feel like crap. My husband is taking care of the toddler most of the day tomorrow so I can get a break. We still have not had any decent quality time in weeks, and he hasn't asked for any. I hope he will remember that is something that I need.

 

[HealingMama]

Embodied Philosophy trauma info

Here is some information on healing from trauma including the impacts on relationship...

 

[Gs172003]

He gave me a big hug last night and said he's sorry for his part in the recent problems. I'm feeling very guarded still but it's starting to get better.

He also told me I misunderstood something about the sex. I felt like he was looking down his nose at makeup sex so I stopped initiating it. Now he tells me it's just like emotional whiplash for him that things are suddenly not just ok but ok enough for me to want to have sex. It was the middle of the night and I'm sick so I didn't want to get into a big conversation but it's not really that things are suddenly ok, it's that the bond is broken and sex is an easy way to try to restore it.

But also I cannot get the look on his face out of my head when I bring up the dry spell during an argument and he says things like why would I want to be with you when you act like this.

Sure, once things escalate I can be really awful, but in my perspective that happens because he won't stay and try to listen to me. He runs and hides or yells so he doesn't have to listen.

The man doesn't understand cause and effect of his actions. To be fair, at times I don't either.

I accidentally no showed a therapy session yesterday. I'm feeling bad about that. I put it on the calendar for next time.

I also have a sinus infection and feel like crap. My husband is taking care of the toddler most of the day tomorrow so I can get a break. We still have not had any decent quality time in weeks, and he hasn't asked for any. I hope he will remember that is something that I need.

I found this

9 Ways ADHD Ruins Marriages

It might be the same one you linked now that I posted it.

 

[HealingMama]

I found this

9 Ways ADHD Ruins Marriages

It might be the same one you linked now that I posted it.

Yeah, it might be. I've read so many of them. My phone reminds me how many of them I've read. When things are crappy I research. Many of the articles will say "last read xyz date" and you would think I would have a PhD in how to navigate an ADHD marriage by now but I do not.

 

[Deanna]

It seems like all u do is talk about you're husband. He doesn't have PTSD. I get it your upset but does ADHD have to take up your threads all the time? Just sayin'. Make a decision.

 

[Jade-]

Since this is her diary she has the right to talk about whatever she chooses to @Deanna . It's very rude to criticize her for it.

Just sayin'

 

[Deanna]

Since this is her diary she has the right to talk about whatever she chooses to @Deanna . It's very rude to criticize her for it.

Just sayin'

I didn't criticize her. She welcomes different views. She has a post that says that so i suggest you read it. You and Somerandomguy. She also says she looks for links on ADHD when her husband makes her upset. I suggested she still has a decision to make.

 

[HealingMama]

I did make a decision. The decision is to see what happens with him making the effort to address the needs I have expressed and to try couples therapy one more time.

I appreciate both Jade standing up for me and Deanna sharing your thoughts.

Things are going well right now but I'm still ambivalent. I think my husband is a much better in-person parent than I am. I really don't like to entertain my child; I find it really boring to play the games he likes. I am better at meeting his practical needs though. Children need both. I also don't feel emotionally safe. I keep thinking of the things he says during arguments. Good thing he doesn't also do that. The things that I say are often worse.

I'm still struggling with the effects of attachment trauma. I'm doing a lot with my yoga but as soon as I need to relate to someone else it seems to largely go out the window. I don't know if my relationship with God can help override the unconscious beliefs I have about people.

 

[HealingMama]

Apparently I'm a "MyPTSD Pro" now. For some reason I thought that was a designation for paid supporters.

Things have been consistently better. He even had a bad day yesterday where he was less present, and I said something but I said LESS so he wasn't overwhelmed. We have barely seen each other this week as he's working a lot more in order to have a weekend off.

He asked for the entire weekend off all on his own. He proactively thought about it, made it happen, and told me he wanted us to be able to do something fun together.

Sex is still crap though but I think it might be because I need a lot of emotional stimulation and I can't get it when I see him maybe 10 minutes in the same room together.

Why are things so much better? I'm not sure. Maybe part of it is I stopped my EMDR therapy. Maybe part of it is that I've been super into my yoga stuff, which is meeting a lot of the needs I was trying to get met in my marriage. I'm falling in love with a deeper level of myself instead of trying to get validation from outside of me.

Now that I'm not nagging and saying so much my husband is working really hard to clean up after himself, communicate mindfully and do other things to make life more manageable. It's been nice having a few days without fighting. We even had a tiff last week or earlier this week and we managed to both go to our corners, self regulate, apologize to each other and not let it ruin the night.

We will see if we can manage not to hurt each other with an entire weekend together.

I will say something happened to me in my yoga practice last Sunday that I think is connected to my newfound tolerance. I don't know how to describe it but it's like a layer of needy ego came off of me.

 

[somerandomguy]

Apparently I'm a "MyPTSD Pro" now

It just means you've reached a posting level that marks you as experienced.

I'm glad things have been going better for you lately! :D

 

[Jade-]

I'm glad things are going much better @HealingMama .

It sounds like focusing more on yourself is really helping things.

 

[Deanna]

Congrats on your PTSD Pro!

Yeah! Glad to hear of you both coming together! Hey, it happens! I had a fight with my boyfriend. I felt bad, apologized, called and asked how he was doing. I guess it's okay now. I made some suggestions. He's going to bring them up to psychiatrist and get her feedback.

We are both PTSD. But we are not coming from the same ballfield, moneywise. It gets rather old for me. There are some things he may be willing to change.