Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Congrats on your PTSD Pro!

Yeah! Glad to hear of you both coming together! Hey, it happens! I had a fight with my boyfriend. I felt bad, apologized, called and asked how he was doing. I guess it's okay now. I made some suggestions. He's going to bring them up to psychiatrist and get her feedback.

We are both PTSD. But we are not coming from the same ballfield, moneywise. It gets rather old for me. There are some things he may be willing to change.

Sorry to hear the two of you had a fight. Not being on the same field money wise definitely can have its challenges. It's good that he sounds like he was receptive to your point of view.

Thanks also for the encouragement @JadeB. and @somerandomguy

 

[HealingMama]

Don't try to take an overnight trip with someone you haven't been getting along with well. This is absolutely miserable and I never want to vacation with this slow moving stick in the mud again.

 

[Gs172003]

Don't try to take an overnight trip with someone you haven't been getting along with well. This is absolutely miserable and I never want to vacation with this slow moving stick in the mud again.

I hope one day you go back and read through this diary and see how you treat him. I don't know if you realize how bad it is.

 

[HealingMama]

I hope one day you go back and read through this diary and see how you treat him. I don't know if you realize how bad it is.

Gee thanks.

 

[HealingMama]

I hope one day you go back and read through this diary and see how you treat him. I don't know if you realize how bad it is.

I am in a lot of pain from wanting a partner and feeling like I don't have one. It is also hard to respect a man that doesn't take his need to provide or at least to be self sufficient seriously. I didn't intend to get into a relationship to be someone's nurse.

I've done my best to treat him well but I do have a lot of resentment and fear from the way his actions and inactions have put practical stability at risk.

It is hard to cope with a bait and switch.

This relationship has turned me into a monster at times. You're right. I wish I had the constitution to handle it better. There are many attachment injuries that he has not taken seriously. I am doing my best to cope with being with someone that can create severe and lasting trauma at a moment's notice then downplay it all. I don't say everything here that has occurred because some of it is too embarrassing. This relationship does being out the worst in me. I'm not sure why you decided to say that. I already know that I'm doing wrong here.

 

[HealingMama]

He was being a stick in the mud. I wanted him to be time conscious all of three times for the entire weekend and apparently that's asking too much.

The man isn't taking care of himself so he doesn't have much vitality. He won't participate in any sort of planning to try to make the most of our time away and ensure that everyone gets a chance to do something they enjoy. He just sat there and waits on someone else to do things even when I ask what do you want to do, when do you want to do it, what do you think about so and so. What's the point of traveling with someone that won't actually be present in any real way after giving the impression that they wanted to be, and takes forever to get themselves together so that the few things that have a real consequence for showing up late can be enjoyed. I was patient all the other times, I didn't even schedule anything else so that he wouldn't feel pressured or rushed, but God forbid he try to compromise.

There is more. I'm just very sad and frustrated that ADHD symptoms, communication problems and mismatched attachment needs thwarted what could have been a nice weekend.

 

[Gs172003]

He was being a stick in the mud. I wanted him to be time conscious all of three times for the entire weekend and apparently that's asking too much.

The man isn't taking care of himself so he doesn't have much vitality. He won't participate in any sort of planning to try to make the most of our time away and ensure that everyone gets a chance to do something they enjoy. He just sat there and waits on someone else to do things even when I ask what do you want to do, when do you want to do it, what do you think about so and so. What's the point of traveling with someone that won't actually be present in any real way after giving the impression that they wanted to be, and takes forever to get themselves together so that the few things that have a real consequence for showing up late can be enjoyed. I was patient all the other times, I didn't even schedule anything else so that he wouldn't feel pressured or rushed, but God forbid he try to compromise.

There is more. I'm just very sad and frustrated that ADHD symptoms, communication problems and mismatched attachment needs thwarted what could have been a nice weekend.

Then you need to make a decision regarding you and him instead of continuing to drag him through the mud for having a disorder, same as you. I understand you are frustrated. I understand it makes things hard but you chose to be with him and the fact that you are a therapist and should understand how ADHD works makes this that much more frustrating for some of us watching this from the outside.
You say you only went so far with your PTSD treatment and are now just seeing a therapist about your relationship. Why did you quit the PTSD treatment?

 

[HealingMama]

Then you need to make a decision regarding you and him instead of continuing to drag him through the mud for having a disorder, same as you. I understand you are frustrated. I understand it makes things hard but you chose to be with him and the fact that you are a therapist and should understand how ADHD works makes this that much more frustrating for some of us watching this from the outside.
You say you only went so far with your PTSD treatment and are now just seeing a therapist about your relationship. Why did you quit the PTSD treatment?

The treatment was making everything worse. I needed stability.

I understand ADHD but relationship is about compromise. I'm not feeling accommodated when his withdrawal triggers existential terror. I can even tell him yeah I'm sorry I'm not good at last minute plan changes because it triggers unconscious memories of my dad dying. Does he care? Does he even try to understand? No. At least I try to understand him. He just wants me to make life easy and comfortable.

The problem isn't just the ADHD it's also the attachment injury from him wallowing in unemployed depression when I was unexpectedly pregnant and the underemployment now. I'm just stretched very thin, and on top of that I work my butt off to accommodate his ADHD and he won't accommodate my attachment stuff.

 

[Gs172003]

The treatment was making everything worse. I needed stability.

I understand ADHD but relationship is about compromise. I'm not feeling accommodated when his withdrawal triggers existential terror. I can even tell him yeah I'm sorry I'm not good at last minute plan changes because it triggers unconscious memories of my dad dying. Does he care? Does he even try to understand? No. At least I try to understand him. He just wants me to make life easy and comfortable.

The problem isn't just the ADHD it's also the attachment injury from him wallowing in unemployed depression when I was unexpectedly pregnant and the underemployment now. I'm just stretched very thin, and on top of that I work my butt off to accommodate his ADHD and he won't accommodate my attachment stuff.

It sounds to me like you need to keep working on your PTSD.

 

[Jade-]

You have the right to say and feel however you choose to here @HealingMama . You also have the right to deal with this in whatever way you choose.You don't have to do anything or make any decisions until you're ready to.

But I do agree that working on your PTSD would be beneficial. I can see how much you are triggered by him and in so many different ways too.And reading your diary helps me recognize it in myself and in my own marriage. I don't get frustrated with what you say at all,I find it all very helpful.And I appreciate your honesty here in what you think and feel.

 

[siniang]

I understand ADHD but relationship is about compromise. I'm not feeling accommodated when his withdrawal triggers existential terror. I can even tell him yeah I'm sorry I'm not good at last minute plan changes because it triggers unconscious memories of my dad dying. Does he care? Does he even try to understand? No. At least I try to understand him. He just wants me to make life easy and comfortable.

Please read this again when you've calmed down a little.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much and having such a hard time, I truly am. But...wow. No, I don't feel like you really understand ADHD, just how you claim he doesn't understand PTSD and isn't accommodating.

(Yes, I have to stop now because it's actually triggering myself)

 

[somerandomguy]

@HealingMama - if you feel jumped on, you can contact the moderators.