Different patterns and why we have a hard time changing our roles

[LuckiLee]

I think you need to put things in perspective.

Torture. Really? You are on a post TRAUMATIC stress disorder forum and think it's "torture" because your guy can't be affectionate enough for you.

Nope. It's definitely not torture!!

Sometimes people just aren't compatible.
He can't give you what you want or need and it doesn't matter what the reason is. Does it? PTSD. Emotional numbness. Avoidance. Multiple ports in the storm or he's an ass or he just isn't healthy enough...

Go find someone who can give you what you want and need. They're out there.

Sorry if I'm being too harsh. But don't give someone the power over your happiness.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Gs172003]

Agreed.
Nothing makes me madder than the people that show up for a funeral crying about somebody that they haven't talked to in forever. You weren't in there lives when they were there...don't pretend you love them now.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Nope. I hate that.

Enjoy me while I’m there, certainly, but don’t miss me when I’m gone.

It’s not realistic, but it’s my strong preference.

I’ve never really understood the whole needing other people to notice me to assign value to me. Value is intrinsic not conferred. Ditto, it’s extremely subjective. The most valuable person in one setting is the biggest liability in a different setting. Desired or despised? They’re the exact same person. So I don’t get hanging your self worth on other people. Much less the amount of pain you can cause other people (being missed / thinking so highly of myself and so little of you, that I not only believe my absence will hurt you but desire my absence to hurt you). But thats me. I’m far more inclined towards a “wish me one more day to stay” wanting a person to be around more, happy to see them rather than sad they’re gone.

@Friday, you got kids? You spend the best years of your life raising them with absolutely no data driven method or a book to guide you, and you hope in the end they are okay.....and when you don't see them for a long stretch....even if they can be a dead pain in the ass or you are on the outs, you still miss them. Now did my mother feel this way about me....I doubt it. As far as my X goes.....one's dead, and the other....narcissistic....don't miss that.....but when I left....I missed my old life-don't know. But motherhood, yeah....I miss my daughter and always hope for the best for her.....she came out of me...I don't hang my self worth on how she turns out....anymore...she's an adult......but never the less, because I love her and don't see her now, I miss her. I doubt that will ever change.

 

[Ronin]

I thought its clear we are talking romantic relationships, not parenting?

 

[candor]

Well actually sensitive people do die from a broken heart. There are medical terms for this. To be honest, I have no idea if those poor souls feel tortured but apparently there is a whole lot of stress involved so perhaps it is fair to compare their suffering with PTSD sufferers. One thing is for sure we don't ask to feel intense psychological pain. Some people grieve harder and longer. I am not one of them and I remember a time I did. Being missed makes me feel loved. If you are in love, too much absense will hurt. If done on a regular basis yes that can break you and yes feel like death itself except the funeral never seems to end. Yup pretty stressful and damn good reason not to love to begin with.

 

[Gs172003]

I thought its clear we are talking romantic relationships, not parenting?

I thought we were talking about all kinds of relationships. My mistake.

 

[candor]

Ronin ever hear about attachment theory? Show me the parents and I will show you the kind of romantic relationship the kids are having.

 

[Sideways]

But motherhood, yeah....I miss my daughter and always hope for the best for her

Missing someone, and wanting them to miss you are 2 very different things.

I don’t like the idea that people miss me. Makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I tend more towards, for someone I care about who hasn’t seen me a long time - hoping that they’re living a great life, and that they’re essentially happy. Missing me doesn’t need to be a part of that.

There also those people that simply don’t ‘miss’ others. It isn’t part of the way they think about relationships. Doesn’t mean that seeing the person again has become irrelevant, it’s just not how their thoughts proceed on a day to day.

apparently there is a whole lot of stress involved so perhaps it is fair to compare their suffering with PTSD sufferers.

Not seriously? Genuine suffering is comparable with ptsd = genuine suffering is comparable with having a mental illness. Nope. Not helpful to people with a mental illness (such as ptsd) and not helpful to people who are suffering (which is a normal, potentially essential, part of a full human range of emotional experience and emotional intelligence).

Being missed makes me feel loved.

This is a statement that maybe you could pull apart sometime. Because it seems to involve mind-reading, and validating a feeling of being loved based on that. There are no doubt other ways that inspire the feeling that you are loved (and I don’t doubt that feeling loved is a big part of our mental well-being). But is being ‘missed’ an essential part of that?

 

[Woundedhealer]

Missing someone, and wanting them to miss you are 2 very different things.

I don’t like the idea that people miss me. Makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I tend more towards, for someone I care about who hasn’t seen me a long time - hoping that they’re living a great life, and that they’re essentially happy. Missing me doesn’t need to be a part of that.

There also those people that simply don’t ‘miss’ others. It isn’t part of the way they think about relationships. Doesn’t mean that seeing the person again has become irrelevant, it’s just not how their thoughts proceed on a day to day.


Not seriously? Genuine suffering is comparable with ptsd = genuine suffering is comparable with having a mental illness. Nope. Not helpful to people with a mental illness (such as ptsd) and not helpful to people who are suffering (which is a normal, potentially essential, part of a full human range of emotional experience and emotional intelligence).


This is a statement that maybe you could pull apart sometime. Because it seems to involve mind-reading, and validating a feeling of being loved based on that. There are no doubt other ways that inspire the feeling that you are loved (and I don’t doubt that feeling loved is a big part of our mental well-being). But is being ‘missed’ an essential part of that?

This is very interesting and I think where loving without attachment comes in. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope that my guy didn’t think of me when we’re not together but I equate missing with sadness and unfulfilled. I know he’s going through enough already so I wouldn’t want him to be sad when he doesn’t or simply can’t see me for some time. I would like to know that he thinks of me though and hopefully smiles when he does cause I smile when I reflect on our times together

 

[LuckiLee]

@candor, I went back and read your previous posts just to refresh my memory of your situation...

Three years. Three years you have let this situation hurt you. At some point you have to take responsibility of your life, happiness and well being. You can't keep blaming him. He has been honest with you. He can't give you what you want.

In my opinion (take it or leave it) you need to let go and move on. Maybe a T or counselor can help you work through this and find out why you can't let go of this dysfunctional dynamic you're in.

Instead of asking yourself why he does what he does maybe you need to ask yourself why you do what you do. Why are you dragging this out and putting yourself through all of this?.? At this point he isn't hurting you anymore. You're hurting yourself. Why?

✌

 

[joeylittle]

I'm going to lock this thread now, as it's shifted into a conversation between supporters.

@candor, if you'd like to respond personally to @LuckiLee's post above, please feel free to start a spin-off thread in Supporters Relationships.

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