letter to my father or therapist to talk about my father

[Pauline]

Hi all I wanted to write this letter to my therapist to show her how i felt about my dad

Dear daddy I will always love you, in fact I still do love you I still do rely on you, I still give you hugs you still give me hugs and tell me you love me but I have a secret and so do you, and that little girl inside knows it too. You took something from me when I was young, I don’t know what age, I don’t know for how long but you destroyed a part of me that I will never be able to get back, I don’t know why, I will never know why but maybe I am not supposed to know this, Am I scared? Yes? Am I angry? Always did you give me a certain amount of darkness in my life and sadness, grief and horror, yes?

I will always have these feelings towards you, will I ever forgive you? I don’t know but I do understand you, sometimes I wonder will I ever be free of you, I have not told anyone this secret between us maybe I never will be able to confront you, the body has tried and I think you know your mistakes, I see the guilt on your face sometimes I see it in your eyes and that is sometimes consolation enough you hurt me as.a child as a little girl you took something precious from me and I don’t know if it was a mistake or on purpose maybe you didn’t even know why you were hurting me in the first place maybe inside you are a good man who did a bad thing to an innocent child and that innocent child was me, maybe

I will never understand your actions but this fate put upon me I will not even hate you for it in fact I will thank god for it because you did not even make me weak, that child within who wants to be a little girl with her daddy but never can be because she has lost him a long time ago that child knows what strength is, that child knows what secrets are, what loyalty means and what she has to do to protect her siblings from the person you were to me as a result of your abuse the pain agony and terror I feel in my body is unreal there are somedays I don’t think I can ever go on

I wished I could be able to tell someone about what you did to me but I don’t think telling anybody is going to change what happened or maybe it will maybe I will gather up all my courage and free that little girl inside of me I love my family and I secretly think you do to but you are.a conflicted man and all I wanted from you is to be a little girl who had a daddy I could love feel safe and protected by but I didn’t get that but I want to thank you because you may have taken away the little girl I wanted to be but instead with all the pain you gave me I became I strong independent courageous woman and this darkness you gave me will only make my spirit forever stronger.

I wrote it on my computer I will never give it to him and I wanted to express my fear and how as a little girl i never got to be with my daddy i don't know what she would make of it but this is how i feel and i need her to help me i am scared to give it to her because i hope she doesnt judge me i can only talk to my therapist x

 

[unbrokenn]

I think that you’re really brave for even writing about this and submitting it here. I think you should give yourself credit for sitting down and thinking hard enough to write so much about it, because when I first wrote a letter to my abuser I remember how anxious it made me, so I am proud of you for your work.
I think first you should go to your therapist and talk about the letter with them if you are comfortable with that. If you feel like it would be ok with you, read it to them or have a copy for them to read over if you can’t read it so the therapist can get an idea of where you’re at and how to address the situation.
This will get better, you will heal day by day and I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve that and this was in no way shape or form your fault.

 

[Pauline]

Thank you I really needed to hear that the problem is I still live with him off and on occasion my mother is dying with cancer and I have a heart condition which really irritates me he really distresses me to know end I'm a better writer than I am talker I've literally bought a diary so I can write all my feelings about my father and I just want to tell someone anyone I can trust as my siblings are no help sometimes I catch myself for it is about to come out and then I pull back everyone's like oh he is so good and I catch myself becoming extremely angry I just want to tell one person X I saved this on my laptop for my own private thing

 

[unbrokenn]

Thank you I really needed to hear that the problem is I still live with him off and on occasion my mother is dying with cancer and I have a heart condition which really irritates me he really distresses me to know end I'm a better writer than I am talker I've literally bought a diary so I can write all my feelings about my father and I just want to tell someone anyone I can trust as my siblings are no help sometimes I catch myself for it is about to come out and then I pull back everyone's like oh he is so good and I catch myself becoming extremely angry I just want to tell one person X I saved this on my laptop for my own private thing

Oh my god, you’re a writer too? No way I am as well!!! You totally should write about stuff so on bad days you can see how far you’ve come. I’m sorry you still live with him, that’s so awful and I’m sorry about your mother. I’m 17 and I couldn’t think of living that way.