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Piecing things together

Please read this again when you've calmed down a little.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much and having such a hard time, I truly am. But...wow. No, I don't feel like you really understand ADHD, just how you claim he doesn't understand PTSD and isn't accommodating.

(Yes, I have to stop now because it's actually triggering myself)
I need to back out too. Sometimes it's hard to remember this is a diary and it's a place to vent and just let out the way we feel about things.
I hope things get better for all involved @HealingMama . I am going to show myself out.
 
Please read this again when you've calmed down a little.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much and having such a hard time, I truly am. But...wow. No, I don't feel like you really understand ADHD, just how you claim he doesn't understand PTSD and isn't accommodating.

(Yes, I have to stop now because it's actually triggering myself)
I understand ADHD but it's not an excuse. He's supposed to work on his own recovery. The least he can do is acknowledge the way symptoms show up and make things hard proactively. I try to do that when it comes to trauma issues. You can't make life hard even accidentally and then gloss over it though. I can't give him a bunch of Grace when all he wants is Grace but not doing anything to fix anything. If he didn't have all this learned helplessness it would be easier but I don't want to help him excuse himself from working on things. He chose not to take any ADHD meds on this trip. That's on him. He doubles up on them when he works a double shift even though it trashes his sleep and his mood and guess who has to deal with the fallout. No, he isn't given a Rx that he is supposed to double up with. He has a different med he's supposed to take for overlap time and he just doesn't.

No. If he had been diagnosed early on and followed a proper treatment plan you would have a point but he wasn't and he doesn't so no he doesn't get to use it as an excuse and I don't agree with you that he should.

There's having ADHD and there's managing it and if he were proactively managing it then most of that wouldn't have happened.
 
I don't want to report anyone but this is my thread for my pain and my recovery and everyone that's supposed to love me in my life has at one time or another tried to silence me talking about my pain.

Or straight up invalidated it. Yes my trauma is a problem. It makes me sensitive to people letting me down. It makes me sensitive to unpredictability.

But you heal attachment trauma through relationship. You don't heal it outside of a relationship. I have never allowed a therapist to get close enough to be able to do it in therapy. My mother was a psychologist so that's probably why.

I don't need people taking the one place that's supposed to be for me to work on myself and try to make it a space for him. Yes I could be more compassionate. When I'm not dysregulated I am compassionate. When I'm dysregulated he's just bringing danger and chaos and he isn't there for me. He doesn't stay. He doesn't help heal these rifts in the relationship. He just bails. So of course I'm upset. I'm upset about the broken attachment more than the rest of it but it's harder to talk about that especially when I tried and he didn't even see it as being vulnerable.

Like I can't even talk in a conscious way about how his actions trigger fear related to my father dying and get any safety or security from him. I'm not protected. The one person that's supposed to protect me and he won't. He actively creates dangerous situations in fact. But I'm not allowed to get upset. I have to consider his feelings even as he is being reckless or neglectful.

I need a place where I can go and be frustrated without people trying to make me be politically correct. Nobody cares what it's like to be married to someone with severe ADHD. I'm supposed to just accept everything with no accommodation for my neurotypical needs. I know my husband can't respond like a neurotypical person but there are still things he is capable of doing.

Everyone that's supposed to care leaves at the worst possible time. Everyone wants to shut me up. I can't have a voice or have any impact on my life. I can't stop problems. I can't find safety. My needs don't matter. I can bend and bend for others but nobody should bend for me. I'm not protected. I am helpless. Being in a relationship means certain misery. I cant ask for what I want. Nobody cares what I want and need. Nobody will listen to me. Nobody will believe me. I am expected to take care of everyone but no one will take care of me.
 
Complex trauma

I wish I were with someone that wants to make things safe ?

Children who have experienced complex trauma often have difficulty identifying, expressing, and managing emotions, and may have limited language for feeling states. They often internalize and/or externalize stress reactions and as a result may experience significant depression, anxiety, or anger. Their emotional responses may be unpredictable or explosive. A child may react to a reminder of a traumatic event with trembling, anger, sadness, or avoidance. For a child with a complex trauma history, reminders of various traumatic events may be everywhere in the environment. Such a child may react often, react powerfully, and have difficulty calming down when upset. Since the traumas are often of an interpersonal nature, even mildly stressful interactions with others may serve as trauma reminders and trigger intense emotional responses. Having learned that the world is a dangerous place where even loved ones can’t be trusted to protect you, children are often vigilant and guarded in their interactions with others and are more likely to perceive situations as stressful or dangerous. While this defensive posture is protective when an individual is under attack, it becomes problematic in situations that do not warrant such intense reactions. Alternately, many children also learn to “tune out” (emotional numbing) to threats in their environment, making them vulnerable to revictimization.
 
I don't want to report anyone but this is my thread for my pain and my recovery and everyone that's supposed to love me in my life has at one time or another tried to silence me talking about my pain.

Or straight up invalidated it. Yes my trauma is a problem. It makes me sensitive to people letting me down. It makes me sensitive to unpredictability.

But you heal attachment trauma through relationship. You don't heal it outside of a relationship. I have never allowed a therapist to get close enough to be able to do it in therapy. My mother was a psychologist so that's probably why.

I don't need people taking the one place that's supposed to be for me to work on myself and try to make it a space for him. Yes I could be more compassionate. When I'm not dysregulated I am compassionate. When I'm dysregulated he's just bringing danger and chaos and he isn't there for me. He doesn't stay. He doesn't help heal these rifts in the relationship. He just bails. So of course I'm upset. I'm upset about the broken attachment more than the rest of it but it's harder to talk about that especially when I tried and he didn't even see it as being vulnerable.

Like I can't even talk in a conscious way about how his actions trigger fear related to my father dying and get any safety or security from him. I'm not protected. The one person that's supposed to protect me and he won't. He actively creates dangerous situations in fact. But I'm not allowed to get upset. I have to consider his feelings even as he is being reckless or neglectful.

I need a place where I can go and be frustrated without people trying to make me be politically correct. Nobody cares what it's like to be married to someone with severe ADHD. I'm supposed to just accept everything with no accommodation for my neurotypical needs. I know my husband can't respond like a neurotypical person but there are still things he is capable of doing.

Everyone that's supposed to care leaves at the worst possible time. Everyone wants to shut me up. I can't have a voice or have any impact on my life. I can't stop problems. I can't find safety. My needs don't matter. I can bend and bend for others but nobody should bend for me. I'm not protected. I am helpless. Being in a relationship means certain misery. I cant ask for what I want. Nobody cares what I want and need. Nobody will listen to me. Nobody will believe me. I am expected to take care of everyone but no one will take care of me.
Honey it's not that nobody cares and it's not that nobody understands that what you are dealing with is so hard. I grew up with a brother with severe adhd that refused to take medication so I get it.
 
Honey it's not that nobody cares and it's not that nobody understands that what you are dealing with is so hard. I grew up with a brother with severe adhd that refused to take medication so I get it.
Please don't "honey" me.

Having a sibling with ADHD really isn't the same thing as having a partner with it. You don't have to rely on a sibling the way you do a partner.

Your sibling wasn't supposed to help you pay the bills and didn't leave you to parent an infant alone with absolutely no warning for several months.

If you are here to compare stories or imply that you understand my life in a way that also is meant to imply that I don't have a right to talk about things here as I feel like I need to please kindly step back. Of all the people that have stepped into this thread even those that disagree with me I've never felt unsupported before now. If you can't find a way to communicate in a supportive manner please go.
 
I don't want to report anyone but this is my thread for my pain and my recovery and everyone that's supposed to love me in my life has at one time or another tried to silence me talking about my pain.

Or straight up invalidated it. Yes my trauma is a problem. It makes me sensitive to people letting me down. It makes me sensitive to unpredictability.

But you heal attachment trauma through relationship. You don't heal it outside of a relationship. I have never allowed a therapist to get close enough to be able to do it in therapy. My mother was a psychologist so that's probably why.

I don't need people taking the one place that's supposed to be for me to work on myself and try to make it a space for him. Yes I could be more compassionate. When I'm not dysregulated I am compassionate. When I'm dysregulated he's just bringing danger and chaos and he isn't there for me. He doesn't stay. He doesn't help heal these rifts in the relationship. He just bails. So of course I'm upset. I'm upset about the broken attachment more than the rest of it but it's harder to talk about that especially when I tried and he didn't even see it as being vulnerable.

Like I can't even talk in a conscious way about how his actions trigger fear related to my father dying and get any safety or security from him. I'm not protected. The one person that's supposed to protect me and he won't. He actively creates dangerous situations in fact. But I'm not allowed to get upset. I have to consider his feelings even as he is being reckless or neglectful.

I need a place where I can go and be frustrated without people trying to make me be politically correct. Nobody cares what it's like to be married to someone with severe ADHD. I'm supposed to just accept everything with no accommodation for my neurotypical needs. I know my husband can't respond like a neurotypical person but there are still things he is capable of doing.

Everyone that's supposed to care leaves at the worst possible time. Everyone wants to shut me up. I can't have a voice or have any impact on my life. I can't stop problems. I can't find safety. My needs don't matter. I can bend and bend for others but nobody should bend for me. I'm not protected. I am helpless. Being in a relationship means certain misery. I cant ask for what I want. Nobody cares what I want and need. Nobody will listen to me. Nobody will believe me. I am expected to take care of everyone but no one will take care of me.
I hear you. I see you. And I understand.

Please don't "honey" me.

Having a sibling with ADHD really isn't the same thing as having a partner with it. You don't have to rely on a sibling the way you do a partner.

Your sibling wasn't supposed to help you pay the bills and didn't leave you to parent an infant alone with absolutely no warning for several months.

If you are here to compare stories or imply that you understand my life in a way that also is meant to imply that I don't have a right to talk about things here as I feel like I need to please kindly step back. Of all the people that have stepped into this thread even those that disagree with me I've never felt unsupported before now. If you can't find a way to communicate in a supportive manner please go.

We must be from different parts of the country, "honey" isn't offensive here.

I never said it was the same. I said I understand what someone with unregulated adhd is like. But hey, it's your diary. Take care.
 
By no way did I mean to jump on you, and I do apologize for that and if you felt attacked. But to be fair, it is a little hard to navigate this:

And yes you can speak out of turn. I value others making the effort to share a perspective that may help me see things in a different light. Feel free to do that any time @somerandomguy or anyone else.
I welcome alternative ways of viewing the issues.
I don't want to report anyone but this is my thread for my pain and my recovery and everyone that's supposed to love me in my life has at one time or another tried to silence me talking about my pain.
I don't need people taking the one place that's supposed to be for me to work on myself and try to make it a space for him.
I need a place where I can go and be frustrated without people trying to make me be politically correct.

You're very obviously hurting a lot, I don't think anyone here ever wanted to deny that or to silence you. And you're clearly extremely dysregulated right now. I'll give you space and will try to not jump in again, but I do want to say that you're projecting a fair bit, also onto the people trying to be supportive to YOU here on this thread. This is your right and this is your thread and it's perfectly explainable by your current emotional state, but please be at least aware that you're making very generalized and hyperbolic statements and put words into people's mouth they never said.

All the best for you, really, truely :hug:
 
@HealingMama

...Commenting here as Staff...

This is YOUR diary. If you feel members are piling on & not listening and would like them thread banned, please simply click ‘report post’ & type please temp ban from my diary (or similar) in the report reason box... or use Contact Us If you’d like to discuss it with staff in more detail.

Reporting a member or post doesn’t get anyone in trouble. It’s a tool that helps staff more effectively moderate the forum.

I was probably here for almost a year before I believed Staff when they kept saying Please! Report Report Report! It helps us! :woot: That I wouldn’t break the internet, or have balls of fire falling from the sky, or be somehow zapping members out of the forum entirely, or some such. But that was my trauma history coloring my thoughts about ginormous consequences for small actions, along with trust issues in spades, not how the forum actually operates. Reporting or using Contact Us isn’t the nuclear option, here. It’s every member having someone in their corner if they need or want assistance with something. Especially in their diaries. Which are every member’s personal space to thrash things out.

This is your space. If you need some elbow room? Give us a shout.
 
Admin, here.

@Gs172003 - thread-banned. Go back and re-read your post #231 - it's where this stone-throwing at @HealingMama started. You later said that it's hard to remember when one is in the diaries. Get into the habit of checking. You've been a member here long enough to know how to do that.

@siniang - thread-banned.
I'm sorry you're hurting so much and having such a hard time, I truly am. But...wow. No, I don't feel like you really understand ADHD, just how you claim he doesn't understand PTSD and isn't accommodating. (Yes, I have to stop now because it's actually triggering myself)
Whether or not you think the OP understands is irrelevant in their diary. Also: if you had time to type that you are stepping away because you are triggered, you had time to remember that @HealingMama's diary is not about you. Also:
By no way did I mean to jump on you, and I do apologize for that and if you felt attacked. But to be fair, it is a little hard to navigate this:
Whether or not it's hard for you to navigate is not relevant to this space. Your need to defend yourself is about you, not the OP.

ALL: A trauma diary is about the diarist. If you can't manage your own reactions, then close out of the diary.

Any further comment on this should be directed to Contact Us.
 

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