Ourselves pre- and post-trauma

[somerandomguy]

After trauma, often a sexual assault but sometimes a car crash or other horrible incident, some people wonder if they will ever get back to the person they were before.

I find it hard to relate. I remember the person I was before trauma, and honestly? I don't like that guy very much. Not that I was a bad person, but I was a person very unaware of many things, especially the factors working on me that actually led to my trauma. Also, in a strange way I feel less anxious in my life in general - although I think that just may be due to age and experience and not really related to my trauma.

Can anyone relate to this? All the self-examination has led me to a place that I never would have gotten without the trauma. I wish I'd never gone through what I did, obviously, and I don't like to admit this, but at my best I think I'm probably a better person now than I was before.

 

[bellbird]

at my best I think I'm probably a better person now than I was before.

100% relate.

If I met pre-trauma bell I'm not sure I'd recognise her.
She was happy, yes. If only because she could sleep. Or because she didn't yet know what it meant to be assaulted.

But through that, she grew up so much faster than she ever could have.

She has empathy and the ability to relate to others who have been through what she has, or who experience the symptoms she does.

She has found that she is stronger than she ever could have imagined; one does not wake up each day and fight this damned disorder otherwise.

And she may now view the world with a cautiousness she never then had, but she also knows happiness when she feels it.

 

[MyWillow]

For me the struggle is that I don’t have a “pre”. That has always been my normal. Hence I struggle to accept my experiences as traumatising. So knowing what “post” looks like is a total WTAF moment.

 

[Rani G2]

Similar situation:

No pre version of me existed that had/has the ability today to see the before/after state of being. If a human is born into violence, experienced chronic traumatization, sexual abuse the whole I-Identity is a difficult concept. What I can say is that I‘m learning healthier strategies on how to finetune to human relationships and reality. Before not, now I am.

 

[HealingMama]

For me the struggle is that I don’t have a “pre”. That has always been my normal. Hence I struggle to accept my experiences as traumatising. So knowing what “post” looks like is a total WTAF moment.

Same, for some of my trauma. I don't know what I would be like if I hadn't grown up with attachment trauma.

However, for the way my dad's death affected me, I would definitely want my pre trauma self back. She was not afraid to connect with people the way this me is afraid to.

 

[Rani G2]

All the self-examination has led me to a place that I never would have gotten without the trauma. I wish I'd never gone through what I did, obviously, and I don't like to admit this, but at my best I think I'm probably a better person now than I was before.

@somerandomguy I‘m asking with respect, I was thinking that you are in your way of accepting (Though I struggle with word acceptance) the course of events, this might come with a package of grief as well? The choices one makes and trying our best to conquer and deal with, not about failure more about the attempts one makes to overcome and yet acknowledging the things that were Inevitable. If I use the word karma it comes with a aftertaste like fatalism...but that is NOT what I mean, maybe you know I mean something else. If this doesn’t make sense, I understand.

 

[somerandomguy]

this might come with a package of grief as well?

Yeah. I guess I'm at a place of acceptance. And yes, this comes with a shit-ton of grief. Maybe not for the person I was or the person I could have been - though I went through grieving both of those things - but grief for what I'm going through now, in the present, that makes life right now so difficult. I hate it. It's so hard for me and on all the people around me. I just want to get through this and become the person I want to be already.

I'm never going to say the things that happened to me were inevitable. They weren't. I struggle with anger towards my abuser and the person I used to be that let myself get into this mess. But at least I can see the growth that came out of all of this.

 

[grit]

What an amazing and powerful post @somerandomguy! You really took my breath away in a good way.
I am similar to @PURUSHA in a sense that I was also born out of and into pure evil and narcissism mother/family...where my father of course protect himself by staying on the sideline. I will never know who I was to be NEVER! but, I did something else. I dissociated so much from my childhood and built adult life based on my life experiences for much longer than I stayed under my mother's control, abuse and manipulation. So when I went to therapy, I realized, what made me heavy, lethargic, kept up the dissociation was my childhood, unprocessed feelings and memories...and by being compassion, kind and adult like to my inner child, my past, as I was in everyday, then I am becoming whole and I would never ever give up.

I think recovering from trauma is probably very much closer to our potential than never having anything that challenges your core as a child or as an adult. I feel by reading your comments here, you are so wise, so grounded and so knowledgeable,and that itself is a gift from your experience (a silver lining) and of course the pain you felt built up your empathy and compassion for others in similar situation. You have an understanding that you probably did not have it before.

I learned hate before love as a child and I taught myself love as an adult by the experiences I chose and the people I chose in my life and now I know both feelings fully. Most happy children learn love and thankfully will never learn hate but as you can see on this site alone, sometimes life teaches us hate as an adult and it is really painful and I do not wish that on anyone. and learning hate as an adult can completely take us out of course and into darkness for a long time, if it does not kills us. Sometimes, I feel, it is better to have traumatic childhood than traumatic adult life. At least one has an end and the other is much longer respectively.

So do I want to go back where I was as a child? Nope. Do I miss and wish I had some memory of my innocence and curiosity? Everyday! but I am also happy we are creatures of intelligence and I can take advantage of what I learned harshly as positive and even use my dissociation as a way of relaxing and re-connecting because I am in control and it isn't automatic...and remind myself everyday, thank goodness, I closed my self to my mother so I could open again rather than having her take over me completely and I would not be here to tell you about it.

 

[Rani G2]

They weren't. I struggle with anger towards my abuser and the person I used to be that let myself get into this mess. But at least I can see the growth that came out of all of this

I think I understand @somerandomguy. Someone said to me " Do you see the transformation ? I dont get these sentences well... to me it has this heroic image of an individual rising from the ashes and it also means other aspects are being overseen.
What I would like to achieve is see growth, like you Do. By seeing also meaning being truly conscious of one's own value that runs deep not the "I have idea of selfworth mantra". That is work it seems.. arghhh

Thanks

 

[Ronin]

image of an individual rising from the ashes

Hell, my idea of rising from the ashes is mad six ways from sunday with ash still on you, but getting up, and moving it somewhere else.

We aint birds, so I can leave that phoenix stuff to phoenixes.

 

[Mee]

I don’t think five year old me is a healthy aspiration, so not pre trauma. But pre PTSD ? Yes. I wasn’t perfect, I had ‘issues’. But I was kind, thoughtful, had a lot of ptsdtraits actually but with not problematic / diagnosis levels; I was not a people pleaser, but was a diplomat. I was always not trusting and a bit taut; I Don’t think that’s so surprising if you have suffered multiple perp sexual assault! But I was also funny, conscientious, very courageous, independent, passionate, quite optimistic. I mean, I went through my teens like a surly sasspot, never trusted doctors and teachers or big organisations but comparatively, especially considering what the background was, I, ( ok.... this therapy is paying off) did pretty darn well. I was charming, created great coping strategies, and created a happy home and marriage with a balance of play, responsibility, and life for myself. I was also pretty committed to the idea no one was perfect , I wasn’t perfect and I could try to live the best life possible. That ethos formed a lot of my adult choices, apologies, decisions. For better and worse!

I think it was that in fact that I was finally reaching a reparented settling down middleaged phase of life where I was challenging harder and trying harder and feeling safest in my life, that I suffered SA again after what... 15, 16 years? That hit so very hard.

 

[Freida]

Pre trauma? Happy, excited about life, trusting, confident, liked who I was as a person

post trauma? Distrustful, hyper vigilant, distant, workaholic, arrogant (not in a mean way..more in a "I can handle anything you throw at me mere mortal" way, didn't really give a shit about who I was as a person.

Basically destroyed the old me.

New life wasn't necessarily bad but not one I would have chosen.

Biggest regret was the loss of the ability to have kids and to never again be able to completely trust other humans until they passed a years long test.

Biggest benefit? Made me a kick ass dispatcher

Acceptance? Meh.