Can’t picture myself living with this for that long- Anyone else feel this way?

[Itsnotyouitsme]

Another night another flashback session, sigh.

My body and mind is exhausted. I really wish I could just sleep, and at peace for a change.

How could I not be fed up of this?!

 

[TruthSeeker]

See, I felt this way a few weeks ago when this episode started. I felt like I was uneasy and I knew things weren’t quite okay BUT I wasn’t on the brink of despair and wanting to disappear, I just weren’t feeling great and I knew it. I was SO thankful that I wasn’t in the darkness like I had experienced previously, and I thought that was because all the hard work I put into myself is paying off... and then last night was terrible again and I felt my mind wandering to not wanting to be around anymore, because I felt no other way out again. I felt like I did not want to be stuck in a life like this and because I know I don’t want it, I suppose ultimately what else can I do?! So I’ve ended up in square one. I’m just hopeful that maybe this spiral doesn’t last as long...

It is definitely nice to hear that you have managed to get yourself to a place where you notice your progress. And perhaps you’re right, it has a lot to do with bringing happiness and new memories to your life in small parts. I’ve been quite stuck the last few months, my life not really heading where I want it to, my birthday is coming up in 5 days and it kind of brought to my attention how much I am not where I want to be at all even more and I think it intensified everything.

Each month, I'm making myself do something I normally wouldn't. It is hard to break out of the mold of having lived in my bedroom....where it was as safe as it gets. I had to make bed rules (out by 8am, not in by 9pm). On bad days, hard to do but if I stay out of the bed, I get so much more and don't beat myself up so.

For example, I am taking my best friend for her birthday, to a murder mystery dinner next month......and we have to dress up......not for the lure of a man, but to dress in period....for a masquarade ball murder mystery......I'm with 1 person (not a crowd), and the fact that I'm safe with that person, and know no one else at this dinner, nor will likely ever see them again, is comforting. It's a game, so the game part of me is jazzed....and my best friend....I'm there to have a good time and celebrate her birthday-it will be fun once I find a dress (I have 1 dress....) so thrift store here I come!

I also try to finish one thing a month to change my house to be a "me house, with my taste" not my mother's taste or what I think other people would like. Making my surroundings me.....is a huge deal because it's building my rather weak identity. I've just recently started to say "I like this....." or I don't like that.....when it comes to decorating the house. I've never thought about what I want as decorations and style in my own home before-the house wasn't mine-it clearly was the X's house.

So I just finished painting flowers on some plain white used curtains.......and just finished today. My design, my labor, and they will bring color to the house. The process.....a memory.....and each time I look out my window, I'll recall my success in painting curtains ( a really new skill....never painted much of nothing before). Now, the next hurdle, I have to put them up......so, I make little goals......complete the goal....it's a new skill, and something new that says....I did that and I can do that.....the struggle of the learning was worth it......a positive memory....and then I make another goal....each thing I do that is fun....a positive memory....and each product I make an hang up......gives me confidence to do something else and it is beginning to get easier because I'm not so reticent to try.....because I've had little successes.......start with something you want to do...something you are good at.......start small....make a memory.... It doesn't have to be crafty, you can have a bonfire, walk in the park, take pictures, learn to do something new, take a trip to see a friend, clean out an area you let go......then take a picture! .the sky is the limit!

 

[Innordinate]

Almost like if I got struck down today I really wouldn’t mind, at least I wouldn’t be suffering

I've lived this state, off and on since I was a kid. Varies between not caring if I died to being actively suicidal and some days where the thought never crossed my mind.

I had a few good years that i call 'miracle years' where i think i was actually doing okay, wanted to live, but... im not really sure now.

so.. its off and on but mostly this is how i feel too.
I dont have a pre-trauma memory to compare- in a way i think it makes it easier because i dont really know what ive missed except by imagining it, playing the 'what-if' game.
In a way it sucks worse because i imagine a zero trauma life to be more fantastical than it probably is in reality.

yeah, feels like a life sentence. At one point I expected to be dead before i was a teenager, then before I was 16, then didn't expect to live to be 20 and definitely not 30.

I don't think i expect to be alive past 50 now.... i cant imagine even what 40 will look like.

And maybe something will happen and I will die randomly, unexpectedly. I just hope my last thought before I die isn't "I want to live"

 

[Mach123]

Broken and hiding is what I am. I'm used to it more or less. I try not to complain because it's a burden for others and I have people I love or I try.

When I fell, a lot of people stopped what they were doing and picked me up. ( I was never ok but this was when I remembered) Since then, people have invested in trying to "get me going again" not that I ever really was anything but this.

But I'm talking about CSA and I had to remember and the whole thing. So when you say "is this it?" I understand and I feel that way and maybe it is and sometimes I feel like "I can't do this anymore."

But all I have to do is remember what I was like and how sharp the pain was then and how anguished I was when I didn't know what was wrong just that I was broken somehow.

Now I'm trying to do something sort of. I stop and start. There are plenty of things wrong and I write about that here which helps.

And I feel a need to try and give back you know? And I feel inadequate and divided like always but that's ok.

So I read your thing and I said something idk why the reasons I respond or don't. I relate to what you said and I'm at a similar place. : )

 

[Mee]

I am almost used to living without my own old hopeful outlook. But there is something that brings it home sometimes and that’s my inability to feel compersion. When DH learnt his work car had a feature he really likes to have in cars I felt a shocking hollowness. ‘The real me’ would feel such pleasure in his childlike happiness in this little daily joy, because I think these things bring incredible comfort, but the absence of happiness for him was both shocking to me and terrible.

I never thought I could go through life like this, and it doesn’t feel like living.

My T thinks it’s good, breaking the habits of life long over empathising Nd taking joy in others’ happiness rather than seeking it for myself but I don’t really think she’s quite right. Maybe a bit. But I don’t think those things are mutually exclusive. For me this feels narrowminded ( and I am daring to say it despite difficulty on a recent thread) narcissistic, thinking of myself and my lack of joy in a moment where I could feel happiness for someone I love.

Sometimes it feels a bit existential, is this all there is now? one of my favourite songs was always is that all there is sung by Peggy Lee. But I just feel like I cannot feel like that in the face of life anymore, will I ever feel like it again?

The lack of being able to look forward ( as in look into the future) makes doing things like taking care of the self neglect I have inflicted daunting too. To feel ok about that means knowing ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’. But if I cannot imagine what six months from now looks like why make a change that feels uncomfortable And will yield no result today?

I think these are the kind of things I didn’t understand really about poor mental health before experiencing it.

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

Each month, I'm making myself do something I normally wouldn't. It is hard to break out of the mold of having lived in my bedroom....where it was as safe as it gets. I had to make bed rules (out by 8am, not in by 9pm). On bad days, hard to do but if I stay out of the bed, I get so much more and don't beat myself up so.

For example, I am taking my best friend for her birthday, to a murder mystery dinner next month......and we have to dress up......not for the lure of a man, but to dress in period....for a masquarade ball murder mystery......I'm with 1 person (not a crowd), and the fact that I'm safe with that person, and know no one else at this dinner, nor will likely ever see them again, is comforting. It's a game, so the game part of me is jazzed....and my best friend....I'm there to have a good time and celebrate her birthday-it will be fun once I find a dress (I have 1 dress....) so thrift store here I come!

I also try to finish one thing a month to change my house to be a "me house, with my taste" not my mother's taste or what I think other people would like. Making my surroundings me.....is a huge deal because it's building my rather weak identity. I've just recently started to say "I like this....." or I don't like that.....when it comes to decorating the house. I've never thought about what I want as decorations and style in my own home before-the house wasn't mine-it clearly was the X's house.

So I just finished painting flowers on some plain white used curtains.......and just finished today. My design, my labor, and they will bring color to the house. The process.....a memory.....and each time I look out my window, I'll recall my success in painting curtains ( a really new skill....never painted much of nothing before). Now, the next hurdle, I have to put them up......so, I make little goals......complete the goal....it's a new skill, and something new that says....I did that and I can do that.....the struggle of the learning was worth it......a positive memory....and then I make another goal....each thing I do that is fun....a positive memory....and each product I make an hang up......gives me confidence to do something else and it is beginning to get easier because I'm not so reticent to try.....because I've had little successes.......start with something you want to do...something you are good at.......start small....make a memory.... It doesn't have to be crafty, you can have a bonfire, walk in the park, take pictures, learn to do something new, take a trip to see a friend, clean out an area you let go......then take a picture! .the sky is the limit!

This is incredible, honestly I am absolutely in awe of you for this! As someone who's never actually had any hobbies and now being unable to do the social things I used to enjoy, it is super difficult to determine what 'I like' to do nowadays. I did try painting once when I was at the brink of it all prior to trauma therapy, searching for that way out, the painting is atrocious to say the least (hehe) but I suppose it kept me occupied for a little while!

One thing I will say is, I have recently been working on setting myself new and realistic goals for this new chapter of my life (it's my birthday on Sunday) and one of them is to try my best to push myself out of my comfort zones - obviously not to the extent where I am panicked or exhausted but nonetheless it is time to try new things, figure out what it really is that this new me enjoys..

Mind you, all this is the determined woman inside of me talking, I really don't feel much like her the last few weeks at all. Especially with the lack of sleep and constant flashbacks!

 

[Mee]

@TruthSeeker, So much of that is inspiring.

I hide in my bedroom AND I have problems choosing fabric for curtains, I wonder if I should take inspiration from you? ?

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

I've lived this state, off and on since I was a kid. Varies between not caring if I died to being actively suicidal and some days where the thought never crossed my mind.

I had a few good years that i call 'miracle years' where i think i was actually doing okay, wanted to live, but... im not really sure now.

so.. its off and on but mostly this is how i feel too.
I dont have a pre-trauma memory to compare- in a way i think it makes it easier because i dont really know what ive missed except by imagining it, playing the 'what-if' game.
In a way it sucks worse because i imagine a zero trauma life to be more fantastical than it probably is in reality.

yeah, feels like a life sentence. At one point I expected to be dead before i was a teenager, then before I was 16, then didn't expect to live to be 20 and definitely not 30.

I don't think i expect to be alive past 50 now.... i cant imagine even what 40 will look like.

And maybe something will happen and I will die randomly, unexpectedly. I just hope my last thought before I die isn't "I want to live"

I'm so sorry that you've had to live like this for the longest, it just isn't fair is it. Although you may have a point there about not having a pre-trauma life to compare to - whilst I see this may be difficult also, it is also extremely difficult loosing yourself completely and becoming someone you don't even know. It is really really scary. I've lived with myself for 25 years and then within a matter of weeks I began doing things, saying things, behaving in ways that were completely new to me. I had no idea who I was, why I became this way, what I wanted or needed, utterly lost - I think i'm still very lost to some extent!

'yeah, feels like a life sentence. At one point I expected to be dead before i was a teenager, then before I was 16, then didn't expect to live to be 20 and definitely not 30.' - this is me right now. I really can't imagine myself going on like this well into my 30's, 40's etc.. Which is extremely sad as I remember the old, innocent, naive me pre-trauma couldn't wait to be an old granny sitting around surrounded by all of her grandkids and reminiscing on life!

Im interested though, you mentioned 'miracle years'... is there anything in particular that made those years so good?

I am almost used to living without my own old hopeful outlook. But there is something that brings it home sometimes and that’s my inability to feel compersion. When DH learnt his work car had a feature he really likes to have in cars I felt a shocking hollowness. ‘The real me’ would feel such pleasure in his childlike happiness in this little daily joy, because I think these things bring incredible comfort, but the absence of happiness for him was both shocking to me and terrible.

I never thought I could go through life like this, and it doesn’t feel like living.

My T thinks it’s good, breaking the habits of life long over empathising Nd taking joy in others’ happiness rather than seeking it for myself but I don’t really think she’s quite right. Maybe a bit. But I don’t think those things are mutually exclusive. For me this feels narrowminded ( and I am daring to say it despite difficulty on a recent thread) narcissistic, thinking of myself and my lack of joy in a moment where I could feel happiness for someone I love.

Sometimes it feels a bit existential, is this all there is now? one of my favourite songs was always is that all there is sung by Peggy Lee. But I just feel like I cannot feel like that in the face of life anymore, will I ever feel like it again?

The lack of being able to look forward ( as in look into the future) makes doing things like taking care of the self neglect I have inflicted daunting too. To feel ok about that means knowing ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’. But if I cannot imagine what six months from now looks like why make a change that feels uncomfortable And will yield no result today?

I think these are the kind of things I didn’t understand really about poor mental health before experiencing it.

When DH learnt his work car had a feature he really likes to have in cars I felt a shocking hollowness. ‘The real me’ would feel such pleasure in his childlike happiness in this little daily joy, because I think these things bring incredible comfort, but the absence of happiness for him was both shocking to me and terrible. - this makes me really sad because I can actually relate.. its like this hollow space where happiness once was.

I do agree with you though about your therapist's comment. I don't think it is so much about putting others happiness before your own, although I definitely do this a lot (work in progress!) but more about feeling happiness for people you love and care about. It's about being able to feel anything at all for the people you love and care about, be it sitting in sadness with them, or sharing their happiness - isn't this just normal and human nature?! So the lack of it I suppose can make someone feel almost inhumane..

Changes changes, good old changes eh?! I couldn't have worded this any better. I always have been extremely indecisive, now?! I am actually incapable of making a decision. I think maybe this intensified as the circumstances around my trauma completely took any choice away from me, like I don't have human rights. So I can sit here unhappy and wanting to change my current situation but I am incapable because this, whilst it isn't great, I've worked hard on at least making it feel somewhat safe, I couldn't possibly step into the unknown now.. I do think it has kept me in some toxic situations along the way.

I definitely do think that you have to experience poor mental health to be able to relate in any way. I remember many years ago my friends going through depression/anxiety and I tried my best to be there for them, but I just couldn't get it! In all honesty, I didn't understand the intensity and depth of it all... Well I definitely understand now.

 

[Innordinate]

is there anything in particular that made those years so good?

I had very few symptoms, wasn't scared of everything, no flashbacks, barely any triggers and i was able to handle those and any stressors that came up....i was functional- had a really good job, was taking better care of my kids, getting along well with my ex wife, wasn't letting other peoples bs get to me....

but again- could just be delusional thinking it was that good. might really have only been a couple months of actual functioning well and then backsliding and keeping busy, grasping at anything to stay in denial of the backsliding...

also, it is also extremely difficult loosing yourself completely

yeh, this is why i said its probably easier that i dont have a pre-trauma me to look back on to compare to how shit my life is now kinda thing
really can only imagine that and should be probably be grateful i dont actually know

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

I had very few symptoms, wasn't scared of everything, no flashbacks, barely any triggers and i was able to handle those and any stressors that came up....i was functional- had a really good job, was taking better care of my kids, getting along well with my ex wife, wasn't letting other peoples bs get to me....

but again- could just be delusional thinking it was that good. might really have only been a couple months of actual functioning well and then backsliding and keeping busy, grasping at anything to stay in denial of the backsliding...

yeh, this is why i said its probably easier that i dont have a pre-trauma me to look back on to compare to how shit my life is now kinda thing
really can only imagine that and should be probably be grateful i dont actually know

Damn... they definitely sound like miracle years eh! Did you notice yourself decline eventually? Did your circumstances change? Perhaps job and relationship with your kids and ex wife etc and then you started declining? Or was it just a standard sort of decline back into this as**ole of a disease whilst everything else still remained good?

This is so disheartening.

 

[Innordinate]

Did you notice yourself decline eventually?

I think i knew right away and tried handle it on my own using coping skills etc.
figured i could handle it on my own but just really continued declining for like 4 years before finally deciding to go back to p-doc and get help

Or was it just a standard sort of decline back into this as**ole of a disease whilst everything else still remained good?

heh... no. and it actually wasn't ptsd that messed shit up at first... ptsd was actually probably the last of my disorders to rear its ugly head..

i do this thing where im like "i had a good month! im cured!!" and then jump into a lot of stuff waaaaay too fast.
I was on meds to start with, I was seeing my p-doc twice a week every week, got my job etc, was doing good- then went off meds, stopped seeing my p-doc...

so- i basically set myself up to fail

 

[Mach123]

This is incredible, honestly I am absolutely in awe of you for this! As someone who's never actually had any hobbies and now being unable to do the social things I used to enjoy, it is super difficult to determine what 'I like' to do nowadays. I did try painting once when I was at the brink of it all prior to trauma therapy, searching for that way out, the painting is atrocious to say the least (hehe) but I suppose it kept me occupied for a little while!

One thing I will say is, I have recently been working on setting myself new and realistic goals for this new chapter of my life (it's my birthday on Sunday) and one of them is to try my best to push myself out of my comfort zones - obviously not to the extent where I am panicked or exhausted but nonetheless it is time to try new things, figure out what it really is that this new me enjoys..

Mind you, all this is the determined woman inside of me talking, I really don't feel much like her the last few weeks at all. Especially with the lack of sleep and constant flashbacks!

Happy birthday we have a lot of Libras. I'm the 15th. My mother, wife and one daughter are also Libras. I had several important Libra women in my past. I never figured that out except I like Libras. It's more than that though.

I was thinking about how all this is a re enactment. It's all tied together. Not just with me, its generational. I'm always trying to start over or go off in a new direction lol. I always end up at the same place. I have more awareness though and it's not really the same place exactly.

I feel like I'm not quite as prone to shooting myself in the foot as I used to be. It's subtle though.