Can’t picture myself living with this for that long- Anyone else feel this way?

[Itsnotyouitsme]

I’ve been on this forum for a while now and have had communications with some truly inspirational people. Those who have been sufferers of this as**ole of an illness for many many years but I can’t help but feel like that just will not be me.

I can’t picture myself living with this for that long. Whilst I know it’s not going to go away, I also do not wish to live like this forever because it doesn’t feel like living at all, it feels like a life sentence, confined by my triggers, my mental instability, emotional withdrawal/breakdowns and the list goes on..

Anyone else feel that way?

 

[digger]

Do you mean that you are hopeful that you won't be as symptomatic as you are now, or that thinking that you might always be as symptomatic as you are now makes you want to give up?

I think it's important, and useful, to be realistic, but also important, and useful, to try and keep hold of some hope.
Remember that this forum only represents a small fraction of people around the world who are suffering, or have suffered, from PTSD. People are more likely to look for this type of support I think when they're struggling most and post about things they're having difficulties with than things they're doing well with, so you will see more posts here about those struggles than success stories, although there are a good few of those mixed in here too.

I also do not wish to live like this forever

I don't think anyone wishes to be symptomatic forever. I think the vast majority of people here would say that, while it can take a lot of work, it can for the most part be managed and you hopefully won't always be as symptomatic as you are now. For a whole multitude of reasons though, for some the journey will be harder than it is for others.

What are you doing to work on you at the moment?

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

Do you mean that you are hopeful that you won't be as symptomatic as you are now, or that thinking that you might always be as symptomatic as you are now makes you want to give up?

I think it's important, and useful, to be realistic, but also important, and useful, to try and keep hold of some hope.
Remember that this forum only represents a small fraction of people around the world who are suffering, or have suffered, from PTSD. People are more likely to look for this type of support I think when they're struggling most and post about things they're having difficulties with than things they're doing well with, so you will see more posts here about those struggles than success stories, although there are a good few of those mixed in here too.

I don't think anyone wishes to be symptomatic forever. I think the vast majority of people here would say that, while it can take a lot of work, it can for the most part be managed and you hopefully won't always be as symptomatic as you are now. For a whole multitude of reasons though, for some the journey will be harder than it is for others.

What are you doing to work on you at the moment?

Sorry, I should’ve explained better. Not so much that I’m hopeful I won’t be as symptomatic because I genuinely don’t think I will get that far. No matter how hard I can try I am fundamentally broken & always end up in this same headspace and it is a bloody full time job dealing with it all. I’ve gone through extensive trauma specific therapy, read a ton of books, committed to self-help & healing strategies and granted I got ‘better’ ish, as in I am not actively suicidal anymore - i just haven’t got the will to continue living as this destroyed individual anymore.

 

[digger]

'Liking' in understanding, rather than actually liking, but thanks for clarifying.

The majority of my ongoing SI, and a lot of topic of conversation with both my T and GP, this past year has had its roots in similar feelings. "If this is as good as I'm able to get myself, then I'm not sure it's worth it" kind of thing.

In any gaps in it I find, I try to build myself up some more and look for the hope. Hold on to the notion that there are people who do manage to get better, or at least better enough for them to feel that it IS worth it.

I try to not set the goal too high. For now just work on accepting that what I want for myself might not be achievable, but that there might be something or some place I find myself where I can be more content, and less 'tormented', that I just don't know what or where that is yet...

It's definitely not easy to keep going or to want to though, so I hear what you're saying.

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

That’s exactly it.

Like I genuinely fought very hard to be where I am today, alive. I committed myself fully to getting better, to overcoming my fears, to understand this new self etc and went through some really terrifying and dark times because of this, because naturally nobody really wants to face their trauma, or at least not me, I was very good at distracting myself at all costs until it no longer served me and I decided to face this thing head on. And then to ultimately end up back here in this place where I am just so exhausted... what is the point of it all?

It breaks my heart to know that I haven’t genuinely smiled, you know like a full smile that reaches your eyes? I haven’t had that in over a year. I haven’t laughed and felt butterflies in my stomach. I haven’t woken up and gotten through a day even just feeling content. Everyday has been an absolute battle of ‘I can’t do it anymore’ to ‘no you’ve gotta keep fighting’ but what am I really fighting for?! Maybe a few okay’ish days between the triggers/flashbacks and turmoil, if this is all there is to it then what really is the point?! That isn’t a life.

I really really really miss who I used to be before all this... I do feel destroyed beyond repair.

 

[RVA21]

I can relate. It is exhausting and I often feel the way you described. I agree that I don't manage a full life at all either. And I often want the old me back. I looked at old photos of myself last week from about 15 years ago. I looked SO happy. And I just cried and cried at the loss of that old me. I don't give up, but I do take plenty of rest in between trying to feel better. I hope you keep going too. I hope we can get our old selves back some day.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I can relate as well. I struggle some days, but not always.....and that's what gives me hope. If I look back two years ago, things are much improved. If I stop taking stock of my tiny improvements.....and stop being grateful for all those (including this forum) who have helped me to better understand the struggle and the difference between surviving and living, I start to backslide. And, yeah....right now, I'm teetering ....but not teetering and falling like I was at my worst. So, I do look back....and compare, and then regroup and plan steps to even live happier in the next few months....lots has to do with planning and executing positive things I'll enjoy......making new positive memories, so when I stop and take stock....I have something to smile about.....from painting curtains by hand, finishing a crocheted blanket for my home, or making freezer meals, doing the wildlife nature thing, or learning to play a new song I love. Sometimes I can't manage, and I backslide....and I'm realistic.....there are likely times I still will....I can only hope that I never sink as low as I was. Keep trying, I can say now (I didn't always believe this) that I think the effort is definitely paying off.

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

I can relate. It is exhausting and I often feel the way you described. I agree that I don't manage a full life at all either. And I often want the old me back. I looked at old photos of myself last week from about 15 years ago. I looked SO happy. And I just cried and cried at the loss of that old me. I don't give up, but I do take plenty of rest in between trying to feel better. I hope you keep going too. I hope we can get our old selves back some day.

I’m so sorry to hear of your struggle Lumos.
I completely understand and actually try to refrain at looking at old photos pre-trauma at the moment as they do make me rather upset too. I was so oblivious to all the bad in the world, naive really, radiating happiness, extremely sociable, ‘life of the party’ they used to call me! I was always the first one to be around my friends and family and the ‘joker’ of all my groups. So to change into this person who completely isolated and seeks solitude, limits my times out socialising do that I always have an escape route available (when I manage to push myself out of my comfort zone and actually force myself out) it’s sad to see. I am definitely not who I was at all pre-trauma and I think that in itself was extremely difficult because I couldn’t understand how I have become the way I am. I had to get to know me all over again, this new fragile, shattered self who was no longer outspoken, jolly and lost her spark.

I think in between trying to maintain a ‘normal’ life on the outside it is so difficult to take rest when you feel that things are getting on top of you...

Do I think I’ll ever get my old self back? I don’t think so. She’s too aware now, she’s lost her innocence and naivety to believe in the good in people and the world. She’s weary, she’s conscious of the reality... will that allow me to go on to have a happy life? I’m not sure either.

I can relate as well. I struggle some days, but not always.....and that's what gives me hope. If I look back two years ago, things are much improved. If I stop taking stock of my tiny improvements.....and stop being grateful for all those (including this forum) who have helped me to better understand the struggle and the difference between surviving and living, I start to backslide. And, yeah....right now, I'm teetering ....but not teetering and falling like I was at my worst. So, I do look back....and compare, and then regroup and plan steps to even live happier in the next few months....lots has to do with planning and executing positive things I'll enjoy......making new positive memories, so when I stop and take stock....I have something to smile about.....from painting curtains by hand, finishing a crocheted blanket for my home, or making freezer meals, doing the wildlife nature thing, or learning to play a new song I love. Sometimes I can't manage, and I backslide....and I'm realistic.....there are likely times I still will....I can only hope that I never sink as low as I was. Keep trying, I can say now (I didn't always believe this) that I think the effort is definitely paying off.

See, I felt this way a few weeks ago when this episode started. I felt like I was uneasy and I knew things weren’t quite okay BUT I wasn’t on the brink of despair and wanting to disappear, I just weren’t feeling great and I knew it. I was SO thankful that I wasn’t in the darkness like I had experienced previously, and I thought that was because all the hard work I put into myself is paying off... and then last night was terrible again and I felt my mind wandering to not wanting to be around anymore, because I felt no other way out again. I felt like I did not want to be stuck in a life like this and because I know I don’t want it, I suppose ultimately what else can I do?! So I’ve ended up in square one. I’m just hopeful that maybe this spiral doesn’t last as long...

It is definitely nice to hear that you have managed to get yourself to a place where you notice your progress. And perhaps you’re right, it has a lot to do with bringing happiness and new memories to your life in small parts. I’ve been quite stuck the last few months, my life not really heading where I want it to, my birthday is coming up in 5 days and it kind of brought to my attention how much I am not where I want to be at all even more and I think it intensified everything.

 

[Mach123]

I've made a lot of progress to be broken and hiding. Broken and hiding is good. I complain a lot. Like yeah I'm not suicidal anymore so what. I'm a prisoner still in the trauma shell. I think of things that might relieve it or how I might do some great thing to redeem myself in my eyes. I recognise realistically though I probably won't.

But I'm grateful and content sometimes. Unlike you I never saw the good in the world having been exposed to the ugliness of it from such an early age.

I'm having health problems now which makes it even more difficult to be upbeat or happy.

There are a couple things that really do it for me though and I admit, I'm never getting enough. I'm getting some, and I can keep going on that, for now at least. My wife tells me not to complain, but that's just another form of control.

So I get it and I feel the way you do a lot. But I was always broken. Now I know why at least.

 

[Teasel]

I relate to feeling like I don't want to be here too. Not talking suicide here, just sometimes the pain is too much.

In my PTSD treatment they have been talking about how traumatic experiences can push out everything but the traumatic experience. And so we stop doing the things that give us joy.

And we are encouraged to think about what things bring us joy, and what is important to us. To begin taking steps to bring some of those kinds of things back into our lives.

So for example, creativity and crafts is something I love. But I didn't do any of that for years. So I've begun learning cross stitch. It's only one tiny step towards bringing good things back into my life but I'm enjoying it.

I wonder if you can begin to think of what's important to you? What you enjoy or enjoyed. And how you can begin to make small steps towards having some of the good stuff in your life again?

It was a Tree of life group that we had to think about what we value and enjoy, you can look up the exercise online if you wanted to.
Best :)

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

I've made a lot of progress to be broken and hiding. Broken and hiding is good. I complain a lot. Like yeah I'm not suicidal anymore so what. I'm a prisoner still in the trauma shell. I think of things that might relieve it or how I might do some great thing to redeem myself in my eyes. I recognise realistically though I probably won't.

But I'm grateful and content sometimes. Unlike you I never saw the good in the world having been exposed to the ugliness of it from such an early age.

I'm having health problems now which makes it even more difficult to be upbeat or happy.

There are a couple things that really do it for me though and I admit, I'm never getting enough. I'm getting some, and I can keep going on that, for now at least. My wife tells me not to complain, but that's just another form of control.

So I get it and I feel the way you do a lot. But I was always broken. Now I know why at least.

Hi Mach,

I wonder what you may mean when you say ‘broken and hiding is good’? Is that you may hide your broken self from your loved ones? Just trying to better understand.

I’m sorry to hear about your health also, this thing is difficult enough so having to deal with physical ill health too must be an added stressor. And I’m also sorry that you were introduced to the ugly in the world at a young age.. no one should have to go through any of this but know that you are very much not alone. I’m right here with you, in the broken, in the darkness too.

 

[Itsnotyouitsme]

I relate to feeling like I don't want to be here too. Not talking suicide here, just sometimes the pain is too much.

In my PTSD treatment they have been talking about how traumatic experiences can push out everything but the traumatic experience. And so we stop doing the things that give us joy.

And we are encouraged to think about what things bring us joy, and what is important to us. To begin taking steps to bring some of those kinds of things back into our lives.

So for example, creativity and crafts is something I love. But I didn't do any of that for years. So I've begun learning cross stitch. It's only one tiny step towards bringing good things back into my life but I'm enjoying it.

I wonder if you can begin to think of what's important to you? What you enjoy or enjoyed. And how you can begin to make small steps towards having some of the good stuff in your life again?

It was a Tree of life group that we had to think about what we value and enjoy, you can look up the exercise online if you wanted to.
Best :)

Thank you for reaching out.

I completely relate, perhaps I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’m ‘suicidal’ anymore although probably not far off as the feelings of being stuck are prominent again. It’s that pain you are referring to, when it gets too much like for me at the moment, I try to search for a way out and there is no other clear way out at the moment.

Almost like if I got struck down today I really wouldn’t mind, at least I wouldn’t be suffering.

I am glad though that you are finding joy in things you loved doing before. Having a think about that myself, pre-trauma I used to love being around people, surrounded by friends or in social settings was definitely something I loved. I never really had any hobbies... now I can’t bare social settings, not for long anyway before I want to retrieve into my little corner of solitude.

Post-trauma I have enjoyed nature more. Being out in nature, exploring the outdoors etc but I must say that’s another battle, getting myself outdoors on days like this! & with Autumn fast approaching it’s making it even more difficult.