Jealousy in Marriage

[grit]

Good to read @grit. :)
Actually I kept writing to you because its interesting for me (I hope this doesnt sound too egoistic) To read someone who is (From what I have understood so far)more empathetic

Hi @PURUSHA
It is a belief and something probably you were told over and over that you are not emphatic. You are what you are attracted to. If you find yourself being attracted to all things empathy out of curiosity...you are emphatic. you just have not touched it as we all have journey as you can clearly see here to touch what we need when we need it.

 

[Deanna]

@Deanna
Interesting take and I wonder why I mentioned both in this post...maybe there is some connection or association that you pick on. It is possible I am avoiding my anxiety toward aging and focusing on someone younger than me. We do not have children and maybe this is another anxiety underlying this...the fear that I cannot bear children for him and she can. hmmmmmmmmmmm

.

Just the mere fact that she is fertile. You're not use to it yet. ( Very new emotion) I went through early menopause. I had a hysterectomy and that threw my body into it. I'm 5 years older than my boyfriend


But my partner ( love of my life) there was 17 years between us. I'm fairly attractive and he was always worried about another man.

I know it was really hard for him ( he wasn't obsessed about it) But it's too hard for me so I can imagine what he went through.

 

[grit]

I think the whole fertility thing is hitting the right place but I am at work now so I will have to digest later after work. I think you are really hitting the right spot. I was completely oblivious to this. My feelings toward her were not aggressive or distributive more like sadness, death, loss and that makes sense for loss of fertility. Hahah! I did not mention my own attractiveness level cause it did not cross my mind but mentioning hers was another clue that I was scratching the surface of something like this. Thank you so much for taking time and sharing your story.
I want to add I am sorry for the loss of fertility so early for you. That is awful. We went through the journey of fertility and it was harsh experience so I can really understand in this area to a point - we are all so different. It is not easy journey no matter how one goes through it.

 

[NIKI]

I am also getting to a space where I feel nothing. Complete deadness and full of air in my stomach -unable to breathe

I understand, I feel like this sometimes too. Do you ever feel that if you can not unplug from your feelings at least temporarily that there will be nothing left for yourself?

 

[Deanna]

right place but I am at work now so I will have to digest later after work. I think you are really hitting the right spo

Okay. Glad to have been some help to you! I'm at work too so gotta' go.

Yeah, but I had such a great life with my partner. He was so special..I couldn't have asked for a better man in my life at the time..took me 7 years to date again. ( to do anything again)

I'll catch up later when I'm off! Happy Day!

 

[grit]

I understand, I feel like this sometimes too. Do you ever feel that if you can not unplug from your feelings at least temporarily that there will be nothing left for yourself?

Hi @NIKI
As I mentioned I am middle age so one of the things I learned in life (even before therapy) was self preservation. and I have always been quite good at balancing where I am and where others start. Therapy made it more conscious process so I can articulate. I was operating instinctively before therapy. One of my first fear in therapy was exactly what you wrote here - if I do not have people (or unplug as you put it), then who am I? am I empty space? air? and the fear of that empty place is going insane and losing myself.

I have reconciled those now. I feel it but I am grounded enough to say it is my feeling and try to find the underlying volcano like my post here. I felt the feelings but I am owing them enough to find my own solution rather than identifying with the feelings and falling into rabbit hole like I used to before therapy. I gained some strength in the capacity to hold uncomfortable feelings while I seek solutions. I hope this makes sense.

I think before therapy, if I was experiencing this, I would have fight with my husband uglier, probably blamed him, be hard on myself and allow the emptiness to engulf me, and would not be able to hear what you are all saying today. That is the difference between when I knew not ME and today when I know ME. I know me but there are parts that I do not as you can see how others are pointing out things that did not cross my mind. If I did not post this today, I could have maybe (maybe!) figure it out eventually but the cost would have been higher as it would have taken a long time and maybe do some damage. But as I said, because I learned so many coping and holding myself, I would probably be more accepting the feeling without understanding the foundation until I do or not.

I do not know if this helpful but you asked me a really deep question so yes or no would not sufficient.

 

[Gs172003]

I don't have the same situation as you exactly but my husband is younger than me by 7 years and I am 45 going through at least perimenopause. I have some issues with him around younger women for a few reasons but one is that I am getting older and by societies standards won't be attractive much longer. I know he could find somebody "better" and that bothers me.

 

[grit]

Hi @Gs172003
I am sorry you feel this way;

by societies standards won't be attractive much longer.

that is very defeating attitude to carry around and I hope you find ways to cope with it.

I do not feel that way about the society or my attractiveness level. Actually, I do not really (this is probably the upside of being unconscious for most of my adult life) follow the society's rules if I can critically examine and see they are not for me. The thing about attractiveness and youth is there is always someone younger or prettier than you...always.
My husband leaving me for a younger woman is more likely than leaving me for an older so ...nothing I could do about that other than dealing my own feeling and sense of loss I am anticipating if that would have happened....and that forecasting doom is my trauma related and something I have to once again explore and cope with.

I think emotionally and biologically speaking of menopause is probably a new way of thinking about me and something I have to explore in therapy. and honestly I am just glad I posted and got really good feedback. I am more why person than this is the way I am so I am happy to all of you who have given me different directions and things to see.

 

[Gs172003]

Hi @Gs172003
I am sorry you feel this way;

that is very defeating attitude to carry around and I hope you find ways to cope with it.

I do not feel that way about the society or my attractiveness level. Actually, I do not really (this is probably the upside of being unconscious for most of my adult life) follow the society's rules if I can critically examine and see they are not for me. The thing about attractiveness and youth is there is always someone younger or prettier than you...always.
My husband leaving me for a younger woman is more likely than leaving me for an older so ...nothing I could do about that other than dealing my own feeling and sense of loss I am anticipating if that would have happened....and that forecasting doom is my trauma related and something I have to once again explore and cope with.

I think emotionally and biologically speaking of menopause is probably a new way of thinking about me and something I have to explore in therapy. and honestly I am just glad I posted and got really good feedback. I am more why person than this is the way I am so I am happy to all of you who have given me different directions and things to see.

My husband had a porn issue and when he was using his porn of choice was teenage girls. He would compare me to them. He doesn't do that now but it may have to do with my way if thinking.
The ex before him, the one that I'm on this forum for, also had a porn problem but he used his different. I don't know if the two are related or not.

 

[grit]

I still think what your husband died and what you are separate. It is davestating to have a husband who is into porn if young people...but I hope you find a way to extract your worth from that. I do not the connection between the two experience s but I am sure a great therapist could help you break down the issues so you can see yourself clearly from their fogs.

 

[Gs172003]

I still think what your husband died and what you are separate. It is davestating to have a husband who is into porn if young people...but I hope you find a way to extract your worth from that. I do not the connection between the two experience s but I am sure a great therapist could help you break down the issues so you can see yourself clearly from their fogs.

I'm sorry I don't understand

 

[grit]

Sorry typing on cell and bad spelling. My point was what your husband does not 'died'...I am sorry about that ...and who you are and your worth as human are two different things.
He may like young porn but that has no value onvwhi you are as a human. It hurts but it is not you or your doing.