How long have you been married?
About six years and I knew when I married him he wasn't a provider type of man but I was hoping with less stress and chaos, knowing he owes child support he would have grown up some about that. I mean he likes to be needed, well, if my health goes downhill I'll need him for a lot more than I do now including financially, and it is anxiety provoking to see how his values look.
Of course I could be jumping to conclusions. Maybe he was thinking about the money but is embarrassed that it's been less and didn't want to talk about it. Or maybe he cares but it's just a pride thing so he doesn't want to talk about it. He's handed me all the cash he's made this week without me having to ask which is a good thing.
Trying to monitor myself and recognize where i am jumping to conclusions, not giving the benefit of the doubt to maintain a more balanced perspective.
He got up with the child at 7:30 this morning without me asking so I could rest. He volunteered to work late tonight and stay home with us today to avoid me using too much energy and getting sick. We had a lovely time at the movies. Things have been good. I don't want to get worked up or go down an anxiety-anger spiral today.
The values conflict if real will be there no matter what I say to him or when. And it may just be another consequence of pride. I should know that trying to talk about it is likely to just cause a problem. I am more likely to get a productive conversation from him if I let it go for now as that is one of his major complaints, that I fixate on things and don't let them go.
I will count my blessings. He's motivated to get a better paying job which will build his confidence and his ego after some past experiences that broke him, and I want to be supportive about that instead of nitpicking. He's much more likely to rise to the challenge of a financial crisis if I am supportive about these issues now rather than confrontational.
Whew look at me trying to change.
When I think about it, I don't want to end my marriage when I'm not dysregulated, if he is not disconnecting. So I'm trying to be less destructive in my choices. People make mistakes. If he can love me through the shit I've done to him I can love him through his shame based behavior.
I have so many friends with these health problems whose partners straight up leave them over it. I suppose if I'm honest fear of being alone with a chronic illness is part of my current effort here, but also I want to offer the same grace that has been shown to me.
