Why is relationship so scary for some sufferers?

[Starfish]

That I have finally accepted regarding to my ex sufferer. It was a had lesson to learn! It took me 2,5 years. It must be extremely frustrating for sufferers to long to open up to a relationship....to let go of the fear and surrender. To be drawn to somebody....being caught between wanting to let them get close and at the same time wanting to run for the hills. It must be hell.

I can't begin to tell you how frustrating and saddening it is. I have had 3 marriages, numerous boyfriends(been single for a while now), 3 children, grandchildren (who I see very frequently) and interaction is extremely triggering for me.... I shake inside and, though I love them, are happy when they leave as the presence of another human being frightens me immensely. It has been something I have come to realize after I was diagnosed and exploring what my triggers are. I treat them well and welcoming but the "getting close" thing sends me over the edge. It helps to know so I can handle more effectively my addictive and self-sabotaging inclinations. I can find a certain peace when alone, though that has its triggers too. Yes, "hell" is a good word for my world oftentimes. But I choose to live and find ways to enjoy life despite the hellish times.

 

[Starfish]

@Butterfly How many times have we read on this forum that PTSD is very treatable? My guess is that way too many therapists do not have adequate training in treating Trauma and way too many sufferers have not been treated by a therapist that are properly trained. Not all sufferers are created equal. Some will heal faster in a relationship. Some won’t.

This article describes a book for CPTSD by a Dr Fisher. Imo, it should be read if possible by all sufferers to understand the newest reasearch on the topic. Even if you suffer from PTSD, you will benefit in knowing that there are more gentle approaches that helps unite that part of you that runs from that part that desires. Here’s the article: Complex Trauma: Dissociation, Fragmentation, and Self Understanding

I have learned to let go of the fear of never seeing someone again. I have learned to let go of the fear I use to feel when vicious and inhumane words were said to me. Only I choose to interpret and empower words. I have learned more about me than I ever thought possible by association to other sufferers. I healed. The moments of bliss may be shorter for a sufferer but I can only speak for myself and say that it is that state of bliss that felt like pure acceptance and love that pushed me to become a better version of myself. Its by loving and understanding every conflicting and contradictory part of me that I healed. I have met so many people that have healed and recovered. Interdependent relationships is unfortunately the ultimate test of the recovery process. “Loving what is” is the process imo and the only reality. You learn to shrug your shoulders and say “ pyt”.

I will check into the book recommendation, Candor and I, too am being open to all that is and have discovered this situation and will always believe this can shift as I keep on the journey.....as it already has shifted me in so many ways..... I never thought I could be a recluse and now here I am..... discovering things about me....taking care of me...... even though a recluse, in my opinion, is socially unacceptable..... but I am having to re-think that one!

 

[candor]

@crushed You can always move to a place like Scandinavia...9 months of socially accepted reclusion and 6 weeks vacation a year to cheer us up. Right Butterfly? So much growth with all that alone time ha ha....no right or wrong!

 

[Butterfly64]

I can't begin to tell you how frustrating and saddening it is. I have had 3 marriages, numerous boyfriends(been single for a while now), 3 children, grandchildren (who I see very frequently) and interaction is extremely triggering for me.... I shake inside and, though I love them, are happy when they leave as the presence of another human being frightens me immensely. It has been something I have come to realize after I was diagnosed and exploring what my triggers are. I treat them well and welcoming but the "getting close" thing sends me over the edge. It helps to know so I can handle more effectively my addictive and self-sabotaging inclinations. I can find a certain peace when alone, though that has its triggers too. Yes, "hell" is a good word for my world oftentimes. But I choose to live and find ways to enjoy life despite the hellish times.

When you think of it, it is crazy how much PTSD can change a person! Extremely scary! It is simply no f*cking fair!

 

[candor]

What is not fair is that most dont realize that you need to try something different if you are
getting results from your current therapist. Last link was about new ways and here is one about
tried and tested.
Not Just For Soldiers: Civilians With PTSD Struggle To Find Effective Therapy

 

[Butterfly64]

My mom and dad were in that position once, she said she would have to leave. He got help. I asked him why it made a difference. He said because she had never said that before. She did not threaten, it was kind truth, and even then less for her benefit as the kids, and to maintain their view of him.

She meant it, but she also totally supported him, and he her, as he her. For them, it was about something much more different than chemistry, or habit, or addiction. (Even though they retained the chemistry to the end of their lives). It took a lot of self-sacrifice, boundaries, and maturity, tbh. And faith, in God and each other.

You are spot on...it takes boundaries and I am becoming a badass boundaries bitch...this is where I draw the line.

 

[Butterfly64]

Well I would switch places with you Butterfly if I could. Mine has made a major effort to be super nice this year but it went click for him when he got into a fight with his boss that resulted in dropping everyone in his 4 year network. After 4 months of no contact, I got him out of his shell. Two months of romance followed by the inevitable and heartbreaking abuse talk....and my heart no longer breaks... He is like the sun in Denmark..you enjoy it when its there and when it is not you adapt. Now he is back to black with no explanation and no way of knowing if this will be the final finale. I am not waiting, not done I am just here :)

Maybe one day you will be ready to let him go. As for me, he was destroying me and I have reached my breaking point. Even if he came back in a couple of months and was in therapy and could say I love you and would be willing to communicate....I honestly don’t think I would want him back. I would be attracted to him..yup I would....but I wouldn’t trust him...he has hurt me too much

 

[Starfish]

@crushed You can always move to a place like Scandinavia...9 months of socially accepted reclusion and 6 weeks vacation a year to cheer us up. Right Butterfly? So much growth with all that alone time ha ha....no right or wrong!

sounds wonderful, candor!!!

 

[Butterfly64]

I can't begin to tell you how frustrating and saddening it is. I have had 3 marriages, numerous boyfriends(been single for a while now), 3 children, grandchildren (who I see very frequently) and interaction is extremely triggering for me.... I shake inside and, though I love them, are happy when they leave as the presence of another human being frightens me immensely. It has been something I have come to realize after I was diagnosed and exploring what my triggers are. I treat them well and welcoming but the "getting close" thing sends me over the edge. It helps to know so I can handle more effectively my addictive and self-sabotaging inclinations. I can find a certain peace when alone, though that has its triggers too. Yes, "hell" is a good word for my world oftentimes. But I choose to live and find ways to enjoy life despite the hellish times.

I applaud you for trying when it would be so much easier to isolate completely!

 

[blackemerald1]

I cannot have relationships strictly because I have PTSD!

^You have relationships with your children and grandchildren?

 

[Starfish]

good catch, blackemerald! ok, I'll put it this way, which is pretty well described in this thread. Yes, I do have relationships. But I cannot have one with anyone without feeling anywhere on the scale of uncomfortable to totally traumatized inside. The only relief is to keep encounters to a minimum and give myself some time before engaging again. Something inside never learned how to connect. We could go back and forth with language and definitions. My relationship with children and grandchildren would definitely look different if I did not have these feelings.

 

[joeylittle]

This thread should probably be moved over to the supporters area. I could do that, but instead, I'm going to take the opportunity to speak freely.

I still have feelings for him, but I don’t like a lot about him...he is a drug and I am detoxing now... I tried for over two years I am done!

I'm not sure the word "done" describes what you're doing. I get that it's hard. I find it frustrating to read your double standards, though, when it comes to his inaction vs your inaction, though.

he wrote yesterday after I told him that we are done (once more);

There's a point where you can stop saying "we're done", and just stop responding. Maybe that point has arrived?

He is still not in therapy and is not open to it...he is very intelligent, used to work in family therapy and has helped a lot of people and yet he has accepted that he is broken and is not seeking help...that is his choice, but I just don’t get it! He spends his energy on all his friends and not on therapy....again his choice.

Just as it's your choice to continue to think about him, re-tread all the elements of your relationship with him, and not just end it. To a certain extent, accepting one's illness is not altogether a bad thing. Your assumption is that he should want his intimate relationships to work a certain way, and that if he won't agree to that definition of "relationship", then there's something wrong with him. There very well might be. But is there a particular reason why dealing with relational issues needs to be his priority right now? Friends might matter more to him than getting into therapy to make a relationship with you work for you.

This time I have told him that he can’t contact me again...I will contact him...maybe!

He can do whatever he wants. That's how boundaries work. It's nothing to do with the rules you impose on him, it's the rules you set for yourself. And as long as your thinking is, "maybe I'll contact him" - you're far more trapped in this negative spiral than he is. I'd say, it's possible he's doing just fine (vis-a-vis him and you).

As for me, he was destroying me and I have reached my breaking point.

Lets reframe: you were allowing yourself to be torn up by his unwillingness to commit. If you've reached your breaking point, then use that: break the connection with him.

You're doing this to yourself, so far as I can see.