The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

So sorry to hear about the very upsetting news. Like Sideways said, there aren't any words.
I hope you're healing from the miscarriage and that your children will be able to heal too. Sending the best of wishes and lots of love to you?

Thank you lovely Juso :-) I kiss my "spirit babies" every day, in my heart and my mind's eye ( I have had 4 miscarriages now, one, I know was a girl, but I think this last one was a boy). I still fantasize about having twin babies, a boy and a girl, but that is not entirely up to me, so we shall see...
My son is in Melbourne catching up with friends and my daughter is in New York at a "woman's empowerment" three day workshop, so they are moving along their own paths.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

My son in Melbourne just called me!!! He has been hanging on, by a thread and is taking Zanax so that he doesn't jump off a bridge or a tall building. Yes, he is really struggling, but he called his mum!!!

He wants to live and get better, but is heavily dependant on Zanax at the moment. It is scary. It is a very addictive, frightening drug and he already tried to get off once and got very unwell from it.

His abuse stuff is something he is really wanting to deal with and heal from.

On top of CSA, he was raped by a woman last year, physically assaulted at a party, and had a relationship with a very narcassistically abusive young women. My ex encouraged her to stay,.living at his, with her aggressive dog who caused numerous dog fights, one of which my oldest daughter (the one in NYC) was injured. She still suffers nerve damage in her wrist. That same son was injured from a dog attack too, because of the gf's dog, whom she regularly abused. My ex tried to blame my daughter for the dog attacks and wouldn't even contain the dogs, even after my (our) two young adult children were hurt by them. Soon after that, my daughter got our help to move her out. She now says she will "never live at dad's again".

My ex encouraged the gf to stay there after my son has been horribly abused by her and had split up with her. No wonder my beautiful, beautiful boy/young man son couldn't stay off the Zanax.

I am soooooo grateful that he is starting to draw on me!!!!!
He is very close to his big sister, they were born only a year and a half apart. It helps that she and I are very close now.

 

[Freida]

I am soooooo grateful that he is starting to draw on me!!!!!

That is fabulous!

 

[ninja]

Oh mums, it is so heartwarming to read about the relationships you have and are developing with your kids. :hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

What a sweet, SWEET thing to read!!! Your son called you... One by one your babies are gravitating to you...to STAY?? From the MOMENT I read your first post I was "struck" by a sense of "knowing" in my gut, that you ARE going to get ALL of your children back and that you will know LOVE in a way that you never thought you could!

I'm just HAPPY that you have been able to keep in touch here! I've gotten attached to you (((Sweet Lil Mum)))

If you are a YouTube addict I can give you the name of my son's channel? I probably shouldn't share the link though. It's been a blessing to this G'ma (Lola) as they've lived in the Philippines some of this last year, to be able to watch their lives. Video is the only way they are going to remember these times. The littles are 7, 5, 3, and 2 years old. They are back here (2 1/2 hours South) thru the holidays so I'm loving the IRL hugs and fun.

Thank you for brightening my day?

 

[mumstheword]

What a sweet, SWEET thing to read!!! Your son called you... One by one your babies are gravitating to you...to STAY?? From the MOMENT I read your first post I was "struck" by a sense of "knowing" in my gut, that you ARE going to get ALL of your children back and that you will know LOVE in a way that you never thought you could!

I'm just HAPPY that you have been able to keep in touch here! I've gotten attached to you (((Sweet Lil Mum)))

If you are a YouTube addict I can give you the name of my son's channel? I probably shouldn't share the link though. It's been a blessing to this G'ma (Lola) as they've lived in the Philippines some of this last year, to be able to watch their lives. Video is the only way they are going to remember these times. The littles are 7, 5, 3, and 2 years old. They are back here (2 1/2 hours South) thru the holidays so I'm loving the IRL hugs and fun.

Thank you for brightening my day?

Thank YOU for brightening MY day @AngelkeeperJ! And my life. I would LOVE to check out your fam on YT :-).
My oldest son rang me today, as well! He is the last of my babies (well adult children, really, he is 29 next week) to come back to mama, for some comfort and support.
I feel complete in a way that I haven't felt before. It's a very heart-full kind of feeling.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

That is fabulous!

Thank you @Freida :-) it is isn't it? It's been a long time and lots of torturous worry that I ended up just having to pray for him and us and it really seems like my prayers are being answered!!!

He is still in a crisis state, but knows he is loved, and he told me about the abuse, which was HUGE.

Same with my beautiful daughter. She rang me from NYC yesterday We had such a deep and constructive talk! Because she had a big release, they did some breathing exercise and she ended up crying and shaking, releasing pent up trauma and I helped her through the aftermath. It was a beautiful conversation.

It turns out I'm REALLY GOOD at trauma councelling my kids!? Who woulda thunk it????

 

[mumstheword]

Oh mums, it is so heartwarming to read about the relationships you have and are developing with your kids. :hug:

I'm glad @ninja :-) it is really, really lovely and a giant relief to have them back. I got to cry and hug my boy, the way I've wanted to for so long. I get to comfort and guide my daughter, I got to send her off to NYC for an amazing healing and self -actualizing journey!!!! Ironically the woman running the workshop is also Australian! Well, she was born in the USA and grew up here so she sounds fully Aussie.:-) So my girl is in NYC to understand who she is more and to transform and empower her life. She has already had a major cathartic breakthrough.:-). I'm so excited for her!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm so happy for you all!!! I know you've had to wait a long time, but you used that time to heal. What an AWESOME inspiration you are.

You can check out "The VFamily" while you're surfing YouTube? I watch a lady who travels in a RV. I would love to have one to follow my son and his family around. My life is a bit "on hold" due to me taking care of my mom.

I enjoy reading about how and what your babies are doing.??? The future is bright???

 

[mumstheword]

I'm so happy for you all!!! I know you've had to wait a long time, but you used that time to heal. What an AWESOME inspiration you are.

You can check out "The VFamily" while you're surfing YouTube? I watch a lady who travels in a RV. I would love to have one to follow my son and his family around. My life is a bit "on hold" due to me taking care of my mom.

I enjoy reading about how and what your babies are doing.??? The future is bright???

My oldest son came to a family lunch! 3 of my sons were there. Oldest, second oldest and 21 year old, with his boyfriend, my mother and my father, my mum's bf and my guy. There was LOTS of smoke from the quite-close, out of control bush fire.
He's really not well, is worried about a tumour that was found when he had his appendix removed, a month or so ago. Has ongoing digestive issues that he really fixates on. I was able to give him quite a bit of support, and took him to our health food shop and bought him a bunch of supplements, probiotic products and herbal appropriate products for his physical health stuff, as well as talking in a trauma informed way about the psycho-physiologically side of things that I know apply to him.
I braced myself to deal with my mother. She shows very little interest in my side of the family. She looked at me with disgust when I suggested my son try some animal protein as the vegetarian diet he's been on doesn't seem to be working well for him at all.She has always been a "hippy" vegetarian.
She was also judgey about my daughter being in NY for only a week, or just in USA, at all.
But bahhh, I know her, she's who she is and she was just being my same ole ma. I am shielded by my loving family, that I have around me. She's still as miserable and harried and projecty as always.
I did ring her later, as the stress of impending fires ever encroaching and currently smokey and acrid had me worried, having my elderly father up, who is also asthmatic, I asked if my dad could, possibly seek refuge at her's, if need be. At first she just tried to get out of helping at all, by saying "I don't have any spare beds" and "We have smoke up here too" but they are many, many, many miles away from the fires, unlike us, who may have to evacuate in the next day or so, depending on conditions, as the fires are very large, out of control and not far enough away for comfort.
Eventually she said "You can bring him up here, if you need to".
My Dad has booked an early flight out, anyway, as his later train trip, is cancelled, due to fires everywhere, and we are going up to pick up my daughter at Brisbane airport on wednesday, anyway, so hes going to go then.

 

[mumstheword]

I have gotten to the point where I just want to be grateful for making it here, for being that sperm that got through the diaphram and that egg that was fertilized and wasn't aborted, even though my parents, clearly, weren't ready, emotionally, psychologically, for parenthood. Today my Dad told me he was "delighted" though, when he found out (mainly because it confirmed his virility) and I said "I'm happy to have had the opportunity to add to his self esteem".
I am a woman of faith, and as such believe I have a purpose and a divinely sanctioned reason for being here (as has everybody else), even if, sometimes, I have lost touch with my sense of significance. I have allowed trauma-brain reasoning to trick me into thinking and feeling as if I don't matter. Other's taught me, previously, that I was only significant in serving their needs and seeing as I put all my value and purpose into trying to please them and I tried to win their love, I set myself up to fail and to feel worthless.

My faith gives me inner worth, not dependant on the world, and it makes me stronger for it.
Seeing my mum, didn't hurt the way it used to. I didn't expect validation and in fact, I got some anyway. I told her about my plans to go to art school, and she said "You were always good at art, you probably should have gone to art school [as a youngsta]."
I said "Yeah, but I wasn't well enough".
She doesn't seem to know how to respond to the reality of my cptsd, so she kind of ignored that, but, oh well, I didn't mind, it's true, I was talented at art, as a young person, I was also a kick**** musician (vocalist/songwriter/improv artist/performance artist) as an adult. It feels good to acknowledge some of my strengths and plan to improve on them.

Man, the wind has picked up, not good. I hope I don't lose my home, my life, any of my family, or their homes, to this fire.

 

[Sideways]

I hope I don't lose my home, my life, any of my family, or their homes, to this fire.

I hope so to. Always remember that safety of you and family comes first, without compromise.

Just as likely, you may find that your community ends up having to open it's heart to people from surrounding areas.

Either way, there's a common humanity to everyone going through this epic bushfire season, and we're in it together.