The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

There is A LOT of smoke everywhere.
I can't wait 'til the fire is out. More scary days to come until it's out.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

No wonder my stress cup is overflowing though.
My kids bday, minus me, it's a continuation of the estrangement and the punishment for finally leaving, at death's door. I know that sounds like hyperbole, I wish.
Fire's out of control near here and all up and down.the coast.
We might lose our home or our lives yet.
The weather is not helping.
My mother let me down, again. I, unfortunately opened the door a bit, to my detriment.
I have my faith, my relationship, haven't lost my home yet, my.kid's havent lost their homes either.
I survived my Dad's visit and it only contributed a tiny bit to my destabilization.
My 23 yr old is out of suicide danger, I think.
My 29 yr old isn't psychotic like he was last week. I got to see him and talk to him at crucial moments, even though not on his birthday.
My daughter has an amazing time in New York, I was the one that facilitated that. She and I are so close now. She is truly on a healing, health -promoting path.
My Dad left happy and more secure and we are closer for the visit. Things are clearer.
We have a new (second hand) registered car.
My guy loves me. My kid's love me.
Life's not so bad.
Tomorrow it's forecast to rain.

 

[Sideways]

Tomorrow it's forecast to rain.

Fingers crossed.

There's a whole lot of emotional stressors at the moment. I feel connected enough to nature that sometimes, the break in the weather that we always seem to need so badly, helps break up some of those emotions.

Be gentle with yourself, and stay safe.

 

[Freida]

Oh mums - no wonder you are stressed. That is too much for anyone's stress up. :hug:

Why am I encouraged to feel like being a mum is something I did wrong? That I am not enough of a valid person to bring more humans into the world?

Is that what she actually said or what you interpreted?

as if I am totally irresponsible for contemplating bringing more life into the world. As if "people like me already made enough life- producing mistakes".

Based on the situation you and the kids were in I think you did an amazing job. They are relativly healthy and sane which means they had to have a balance person for their dad's awfulness. That balance person was you. You must have been around enough for lessons about kindness, love, and light sunk into their heads before you left.

Yes, your kids have problems because they grew up in a nightmare. But if you hadn't been their mum they would have had much, much bigger ones. You allowed them to see there were options, that they could make different choices. And they did.
You saved them.

 

[mumstheword]

Oh mums - no wonder you are stressed. That is too much for anyone's stress up. :hug:


Is that what she actually said or what you interpreted?

Based on the situation you and the kids were in I think you did an amazing job. They are relativly healthy and sane which means they had to have a balance person for their dad's awfulness. That balance person was you. You must have been around enough for lessons about kindness, love, and light sunk into their heads before you left.

Yes, your kids have problems because they grew up in a nightmare. But if you hadn't been their mum they would have had much, much bigger ones. You allowed them to see there were options, that they could make different choices. And they did.
You saved them.

Damn Freids, that made me cry. It's too validating. I needed to hear that too much. Thank you.

And no she didn't say that at all. I'm possibly being really distorted about what she said. I'm pretty sure I am pretty distorted about feeling shame around having my kid's. With who I had them with. Being a teenager. Being abused. Their dad being an ephebophile. I hate that it feels kind of wrong. Like my kid's are the product of rape, but it's not their fault, they are valid, meant-to-be-here humans, who people love and value, who have some problems, like you say, but who are worthwhile, quality people, not wrong, not hideous in any way. But that I am wrong, that I Iet what happened to me happen. I feel like I was a raped child, a Stockholmed teen mum, it feels so shame on me. Like I should have never got myself in that situation. But I love my kids. It's confusing and conflicting. I could never abort a child, I just couldn't hurt or deny my baby's life. They are not wrong for existing.

My oldest son is talking about going back to his chef's apprenticeships or doing a solar power company apprenticeship. He's talking about a future!

He took some party drugs a couple of years ago and spiraled into a withdrawn, barely verbal, depressive state, but he seems to be coming out of it.
I hope so anyway. I wish he would move out of his Dad's and stop using pot to constantly numb and avoid. I wish all my kid's that still use drugs to numb and avoid and stay at dad's would get out of there.

My daughter and Autistic son did.

My youngest son won't even go down there, he hates the druginess, the yuck oppressive atmosphere.

You are right @Freida. I'm a good enough and loving mum. Thank you.

 

[mumstheword]

I have been letting myself stress cry everyday. Quietly, so it's just tears leaking out of my eyes, the last couple of days.


My eating is not terrible but not great.

I have been freezing up a little bit again. But, I did yoga today and yesterday. The previous few days I was too busy, then too exhausted.

I still avoid my neighbors, but I've started being able to go down town for small trips, the Post office, occasional shopping.

My neighbors really aren't nice people, anyway.

I am making progress, but I'm not even anything like before my 2017 flare up/breakdown, extreme isolate meltdown health down slide that ended up in three hospitalizations..

Last year I ended up even more socially avoidant than I had been for years and years. This year I have just craved being alone a lot. I rarely get enough of it.

Yoga is the thing that makes me feel accomplished due to how improved I feel motivating myself everyday to practise.
That and being a supportive family member. That's about all I can accomplish.

My brain isn't great, but it's not too bad either. I wonder if one ever really "recovers"? Or is it just a constant "managing"? And having to work at not getting too debilitatedly symptomatic?

I simply don't have the stress threshold I once did.

It's pretty sad.

It's really like a brain injury.

I like art though, I think, maybe, other than being a loving, caring parent and partner, I could do that, that and yoga, until, maybe, I might be able to do more stuff.

Dunno
Demoralizing, really, I feel like a do nothing.
I need to get with the being more productive.

 

[mumstheword]

I want my body back, the way it was pre forties, as in not carrying extra weight, also babies? Maybe? I do, but not as urgently as the last few months after the miscarriage in july.

 

[mumstheword]

Is the wanting babies thing a trauma response?
It might be.
It makes me want to cry thinking about it.
I guess I'm still greiving the miscarriages and the long estrangement from many of my offspring.
He knew they were the most important thing, people, reason-for-being, to me. He used it to manipulate me and keep me prisoner and then when I had to.leave because it wasn't a choise anymore, it was leave my body or leave the house, him and most of my kiddos, he used it to punish me good, real good, the most painful thing.

Part of me wants a reset, to wipe away some of the impact, another family, more babies, with zero possibility of anyone doing that to me, ever, again.

Like when we are raped and we end up having a lot of (so we tell ourselves) sex-by-choice, when really, we are just trying to regain some of the control, some of the agency, we lost.

So, I'm confused, it does feel kind of reactionary to want more children, but I still do.
The miscarriages hurt too. I want that pain to go away.
Aaaahhhhhgggggrrrrrrr. I'm accepting it might not happen and maybe that's ok too?
But I'm scared.

Just being me without hiding behind my parent role is really, really confronting.

I've tried it, with musical performance work and peer work and social work and going to university, and also working in a bookshop and none of it worked out too well.

I'm on a disability pension now, so technically, I don't have to work, but I don't like not working. Looking after one's children is definitely work and it's with that I know I'm really good at.

I know it's got to do with the being Aspie thing, too. I just really don't like change much, it makes my brain overfire like a mofo.

I don't want to "do nothing" and I don't want to go out in the world. I can go study art though.That would be fun.

 

[mumstheword]

I figure it's ok to want more babies. It's biological. I'm a "normal" woman. I'm one of those "primal" Aspies.

It's a thing, I've learnt about it on youtube.

My guy and I are both very like that. We are very intuitive, very emotionally and sensory-lly sensitive, very "naturey", very sensual people, well tuned to the natural world, to the biological workings of things, and paradoxically, very cerebral, nerdy, intellectual people.

Both aspects make interfacing with "society" somewhat of an ordeal.

We love being around children. They are primal, learny little people, deeply rooted in their physical experiences and present, in a way that we unlearn how to be, with accumulations of deadening and numbing and dissociative life-lived-on-the-planet years. At least that is my experience, with the drug culture I find myself dwelling in.the midst of and the intergenerational trauma that is so prevalent, in my experience.

My dream life is more of a rural, traditional one, than a "modern" life.

I don't crave recognition any more. I used to, and I now know why. I felt so invisible. My parents never "saw" me. Nobody did. At least, that was how I felt.

I've achieved being seen now. My guy "sees" me everyday and he loves what he sees. That's enough for me.

I'm going to own that I'm NOT a "modern" woman, I'm a primal one, maybe an intellectual primal woman, but a primal woman, none the less.

Oh, maybe a bit modern, but I relate to the "Romantics" far more than the nihilist or post modernist world views. I thoughly reject their world view. Same as cultural marxism, or securalists. Theirs is a misanthropic, miserable, unstable and without-centre-d perspective, in my opinion.

It's all intertwined, in modern academia, and, "political correctness", anyway.

I am not one for "group think". I prefer to investigate, and critically analyse, than to take on premises manufactured by "consensus" and the "intelligentsia" and the media industrial complex.

I think my Aspie brain gives me the capacity for a wholey unique world view, which may a sparely populated place to live, but it also give me freedom (spiritual freedom and mental freedom, as in "the truth shall se you free" freedom, clarity, open mindedness and a certain solidity that's hard to budge.

The ,"modern" approach seems very whimsical, as in faddish, here today, gone tomorrow, uncentred in historical understanding, shallow and superficial, so why should I prescribe to it or undermine myself by taking it on?

Hubris will always be it's own undoing and the nihlistic, postmodern "educated" urban mindset, really wreaks of hubris. Sophistry, I say, sophistry.

It hasn't made us happier. We are so shaped by our interfacing with technology that we've forgotten what it is to be essentially human. As a culture, I mean, in a very broad way.

Take birth control, for instance. Now, I have to deal with shame for wanting to succeed at what our bodies are designed to do. That's what I took away from my new T, anyway.

I have societal pressure, family pressure, cultural pressure, to be "modern" and I'm rebelling.

 

[mumstheword]

So no rain. We got one rumble of thunder and then MORE wind!:-( The LAST thing we need is more wind. The fire site has upgraded the fire danger and people nth of here are being advised to leave their properties.
This SUCKS!!!!
My state, and the state north of here is burning up! Our beautiful bush, our wildlife and even houses, a school, even people have burned up and maybe even whole towns will, yet.
Not loving this. No wonder I am a bit symptomatic and stress cup overfloweth.

What will happen if our town, our home burns down????
Me and my guy's brains are frazzed. It's just stressful.

 

[mumstheword]

Good news!!! Even though the wind has picked up and we got not rain, the fire activity has decreased! No one's house has burnt, in this fire, anyway, even though its burnt through over 6000 hectares of bushland.
The wind is pretty wild now though, so, not out of danger yet.