Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Okay, serious heads up, this is about sex so don’t read it if it’s gonna bother you. I’m just figuring things out.

I think I’m asexual or maybe very very demi — sorry if those terms annoy you, I’m just identifying with them to help me figure something out. I’ve been trying so hard to deal with sexuality as a human being without being ashamed, and trying to have some good experiences, but it’s just not working great right now. I mostly just make friends — which is fine. I like having friends. Most of them just choose that because I’m taking it way too slow — also fine, if they want someone to take it faster then they can and I can wait for someone who will take it slower. No problems there or anything.

This pregnant woman at work the other day was being very forward today (well, yesterday?) though and l sort of just felt like I was playing along. Not in a bad way. It was hard to say no to her. I didn’t feel threatened or anything but I was questioning everything I said or did and was mostly impressed she even found me attractive. I was trying so hard to reciprocate because she was just having fun, and that’s when I realized that I wasn’t doing this as a regular human person. I was just trying to be affectionate and kind, and also I guess just be pleasing, but I wasn’t turned on or interesting in an orgasm or anything potentially normal. I tried to figure out if it’s because of Brandi — she’d always want me to do things but never reciprocate.

I don’t know. I felt a lot of discomfort afterward for sure. I cried and felt stressed out all day, but I was also happy that she thought I was beautiful. Like, the whole time we were laughing about how our backs hurt. It wasnt a bad interaction or anything, I think maybe I’ve just never had a good sexual experience before and all those “never have pre-martial sex ever” required courses my high school forced on us twice a year didn’t really help.

Then again, the first times with Brandi we’re actually pretty positive. I don’t want to go in detail, though. It still want what it should have been but that early it’s fine. It wasn’t rape so thats about all I can ask for, lol.

But anyway, maybe I should just figure out how to say no so this doesn’t happen. Maybe I should do nothing until I can say no. I’m just too worried about making people feel weird. I feel like I have to carefully follow suit with what everyone else is doing, no matter what. It’s back to trying really hard to be a normal human being. I’ve told people over and over that I’m not really into doing it — I take a long time to even care about that side of someone. Demi. I just cared about making her feel comfortable and happy in the moment, I guess. I probably should have just said no, because I’m sure a lot of people WOULD have felt comfortable.

I’ve looked into surrogate partners before to help me fix this, but so far I’ve been too terrified to bring it up with my therapist. They are legal and the little evidence that exists says they work great, AND they don’t need to ever touch you if you don’t want, and mostly they don’t. But I don’t want to actually talk to my therapists about this.

I guess that’s it. She’s been texting me today asking for a picture but I’ve been dodging the question. Saying I’m shy. Saying “I’m afraid a third party will see it” might be a turn off lol

I’m even uncomfortable talking about it here... but it’s relieved my anxiety so that’s something I guess

 

[somerandomguy]

Littloc - you have the right to say no. For any reason or no reason. If what she's doing is making you feel uncomfortable, you can just stop texting.

 

[littleoc]

Littloc - you have the right to say no. For any reason or no reason. If what she's doing is making you feel uncomfortable, you can just stop texting.

Yeah... I don’t know how to explain it though.

I mean, in the moment, it was fine. I didn’t feel unsafe or anything. Just pressured, but not like I didn’t have any choice. And I went along with everything without feeling like anything was wrong with her treatment of me. More like I felt out of place? I really wish I had words for this. It’s very confusing.

I felt saying no would have meant disappointing her. I wanted her to be loved and happy. It just felt like this was her expresion of it, and if it is then there’s nothing wrong with it. In the moment I felt it wouldn’t hurt to support that?

Now that I think about it, this has happened before. Maybe I need to bring this up in therapy. But anything about sex I tend to go mute on, and that’s slightly inconvenient.

I don’t feel violated or anything. Just uncomfortable, like I’m not sure how to process this. She didn’t do anything wrong or hurtful. Maybe that’s the problem? The only other times I was feeling pressured like that was with the pedo, Brandi, and that non-binary person in undergrad who definitely manipulated me a bit. So in other words maybe I’m just triggered. Because at the time it really helped my anxiety about work, but right afterward I felt very confused. Im not completely sure that “confused” is even the right word. Ugh.

Should I make a forum post about this? Would that be weird? Maybe I should try to work it out first. I don’t even know what kind of backstory would go into a post like this. I feel like I’m worrying myself over something trivial, like being sleepy.

 

[littleoc]

Okay, yeah, I’m definitely triggered from work but I’m not sure about anything else. Oh, well. I’ll just let it go. I’ll accept a bad day tonight and see about having a good evening today instead. Scottie’ll be over to help me clean things up more and I’ll be sure to take it easy

 

[littleoc]

It was a good day. Still very anxious but that’s alright.

 

[littleoc]

? ?

 

[Freida]

I felt saying no would have meant disappointing her. I wanted her to be loved and happy. It just felt like this was her expresion of it, and if it is then there’s nothing wrong with it. In the moment I felt it wouldn’t hurt to support that?

This is pretty telling. You wanted her to feel loved and happy - even if it made you feel uncomfortable. Have you asked yourself why? What do you think happens if your disappointed her? I'm wondering if because of pedo and brandi you equate having to make someone feel better with a sense of danger if you don't? I mean, you've talked about brandi and how bitchy she would be if you didn't do everything she wanted to make HER feel better and I'm guessing the same thing with the pedo. After all he was the guy saying he was in love with you --- as a child --- to make himself feel better about the horrible things he was doing to you.

Maybe that's what is confusing? And I could see it be really triggering

Maybe you and your T could have a talk about it being ok to not want to have an intimate relationship with someone right now? You are still so very young, and have so much trauma that you are dealing with. I think it makes sense that you wouldn't want to be pressured into a sexual relationship because they are complicated even without a trauma past.

Should I make a forum post about this? Would that be weird?

Hun - you can make a post about anything your lil heart desires!
:)

 

[littleoc]

Hm, yeah, that makes sense. I wanted her to feel beautiful, loved, and wanted, and I thought that saying I didn’t want to have sex would make her think she wasn’t attractive. It probably would’ve worked great if I hadn’t cried when she asked me what *I* wanted. She was pretty chill though.

I haven’t had a sex drive at all since I broke up with Brandi, actually. Didn’t have one before that — she taught me how to get myself off but it took years for me to care about it, and then I was only doing it because I’d get her off and then she’d tell me she wasn’t going to touch me. Literally the day we broke up my sex drive was gone and it hasn’t come back at all. A sketchy therapist I don’t see anymore told me I could get it back by rewiring my brain, by watching porn. It’s mostly just me worrying that AT&T itself or cookies are collecting my data, so. Neat. (My Dad used to beat my brother up for looking at porn, so I’m guessing this is related to that. Pretty dumb therapist though.)

I’m afraid to talk about these issues anywhere for the most part. Especially with a therapist. The last time I did that the therapist went and told my mom to buy me a book about how to masterbate and I’m aware that won’t happen ever again but it messed me up.

ANYWAY IM GOING TO THINK OF SOMETHING positive to say in the next post now lol

 

[littleoc]

Positive: I broke equipment at work, but today they got new equipment and when I volunteered to fix it, they let me. And it was the most fun I’ve had on the job since I got the job. I just really like fixing things. Satisfying.

 

[Freida]

The last time I did that the therapist went and told my mom to buy me a book about how to masterbate

Ugh!!!!!! I hate crappy therapists!

 

[littleoc]

Yes, it was so awkward ?

 

[littleoc]

Got stressed out in a PTSD way again. :/ Minor at who works at my place of work decided to sit on the patio of the restaurant at 10:30pm to wait for her ride home. I got so stressed out trying to check the parking lot for her because she wasn’t paying attention.

I’m so exhausted, but i just got home and I have an assignment due in 16 minutes that involves something that I didn’t do yet that was due last Sunday. I’ve been too triggered.

Been thinking about the incident with the pregnant lady. If she’d been a dude id have felt safe saying no, by saying “Nah, I’m gay.” The last time a dick was forced on me, it was by a a trans woman and Brandi said she wouldn’t believe me unless I took her to court as support.

Also I’ve been thinking about pedo and his mom a lot lately. I feel like he’d have great advice on how to take care of oneself while taking care of your mom. His mom was in her 90s when I met her and he was pretty good at caring for her, from what I remember. He cooked for her, cleaned for her, helped her get around. I really admired that and I wish I could ask him how he got through the transition from being independent to having to move back to his triggering childhood home to take care of someone who was abused by your dad. He’d get it.

In all honest, he was pretty alright. An adult who knew better, yeah. I know. If I hadn’t connected with him on an emotionally level I don’t think he would have ever let me go, so let’s just leave these emotions alone, cuz that’s not what’s bothering me here.

Still mad he almost killed my sister though. And no one f*cking did anything about it.