Wanting To Break The Isolation Of C-PTSD

[bluecat]

Hi everyone,

its so scary for me to actually imagine that there are other people reading this. I've been sitting at the computer for hours crying, first mustering the courage to register, then to post. I always feel like everyone around me knows how messed up I am, but the truth is, my therapist is the only person, who I ever tell about the things that happened and how I feel. I am very good with keeping appearances in public and if I can't, which is right now, I withdraw into my apartment and wait out the storm. I can tell some people (very few and very rarely) the technical euphemisms, you know, I have PTSD, I am having a panic attack, I am having a flashback, I am depressed, but I cannot talk about what happened during the first two thirds of my life with anyone except my therapist. I've tried before, a sentence or two that escaped my self-imposed censorship, but people give me these horrified or blank stares back, it makes me feel like I don't belong, I don't fit in, I am an outsider who is spoiling a pretty afternoon with negative emotions and talk. I am horrified that people judge me for not being same like them, normal, with loving parents, who grew up in peace, never experienced hunger, political oppression or abusive relatives.

I know its PTSD talking, all the fear and shame are emotional flashbacks, but they feel damn real, more often than not, more real than the real world. I know there are plenty of people like me, who struggle with pain and shame and trying to be productive and keeping their lives together and feeling alone, but I don't really know how to reach out to them. So this is why I am here, to not feel so alone. I don't want pitty, I just would like to know that other people out there understand that I am not weak if I sometimes can't keep it together, because they know this condition and have been through it too. Because I am horribly afraid that I am weak and just an ordinary person and that thats just not enough to be accepted.

I also would like to be able to talk to people who can laugh about it, where I don't have to censor myself so much, because normally people don't get my humor, because its too weird. Even though I can't think of anything funny right now, being in the middle of a flashback thats been taking a bit longer than usual and completely burnt out. So if people have any tips on how to snap out of it, when you're locked in a flashback and your body is completely frozen and you just can't leave your f-ing apartment and if you do you crawl back in a few hours, because its too exhausting to face the outside world, with its cacophony of sounds and faces and cars and what not, that would be swell. I would normally go see a psychiatrist, but its the middle of a long weekend and I am left to my own devices, which truth be told are not many. It took me almost a decade to unlearn the bad coping mechanisms, but I don't know how to replace them with the good ones, so basically I have no idea how to cope right now. You know, I know there's meditation, yoga, God all that, but thats like telling a hungry person who was just taught that they shouldn't eat with their hands, but doesn't know how to use a fork and a knife, that they just need to eat. Its pathetic, I know, but I am stuck.

Thank you.

 

[James B.]

Hello bluecat. :hello: This is a good place for support.

 

[Iam]

Wow BlueCat....I could have written your post. I too hold it together for the people out there. I have only just recently shared with my husband of 32 years my deepest "secrets". Even with that I can only share it happened but not the details. I've spent so many years stuffing my feelings that it seems impossible to understand "what I feel" let alone describe it, though I do try at times. Thank god for therapists!

You are definitely in the right place. Welcome to the forum. You will find many here who understand where you are at and why. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Jagged Angel]

Hi bluecat. You are not alone. Welcome to the forum

 

[Cynthiatoo]

Hi everyone,It took me almost a decade to unlearn the bad coping mechanisms, but I don't know how to replace them with the good ones, so basically I have no idea how to cope right now.

Hello Bluecat
You just did replace them with a good one. A huge good one. Actually several stages of good ones. You sat at the computer, had a big release of awful tensions by crying for ages, joined up the forum and THEN posted this great post. Articulate, honest, clear and touching. It touched my heart and I am sure it did for others of us who feel this way too.

So first up, see that as the bloody huge positive step is it and 'do a little dance'. ( I have a weird sense of humour too). God, meditation, yoga and all that may have a place and I am sure they have helped, but nothing helps like talking to someone who lives what you live. Nothing at all, not therapists, self help books, meds. I believe with all my heart that the tool of a forum is the what brings it all together and provides the answers that work.

All it takes is the hard job of sorting through what pisses us off, triggers us or doesn't fit and finding what does fit, speaks to our experience and gives us a sense of 'oh s##t, it's not just me."

I have learned more here in a couple of months than any other form of 'Help'. It's tiring and it will make you exhausted and could trigger you, but set yourself a cup of tea and try to think of it as enrolling in a university course. Read. The home page and all of it's sub heading, the rules, the forum, the funny bits. Not all at once, just follow what 'fits' for you each time. By that I mean , What You Want To Read each time you log on. Leave the rest for another time, you will get to it all eventually. I promise you, you will find so many answers, so much to print out and most of all you will find...

Your Tribe. A tribe where we will 'get you', instantly understand, make an effort to ask questions if we are not exactly clear and never, ever look at your words with that bloody awful 'look of horror' that the so called normal people are so quick to give us when we say something that is part of our lives.

Welcome and BTW your writing is great.

 

[azsummergirl]

Hi Bluecat. You are not alone. I cannot relate to people either. I feel like I am living a different reality. I don't know what to say when people are talking about thier parents, siblings, etc. And I know what you mean about having a sense of humor. We deal with horrendous things every day, it does affect humor and outlook.

I wish I had some good advice for flashbacks; I am trying to learn better coping skills myself and not rely on the bad ones. Sometimes listening to an ipod helps - to play the same song over and over, it has a numbing effect on my brain. Also, I know that they are God awful, but reminding yourself that it will end can help, and telling yourself that you won't always feel that way.

I liked your analogy about being hungry and not being able to use utensils. That fits.

{hugs}
carrie

 

[bluecat]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for welcoming me to the forum. Its a relief to see people not only not put off by what I am writting, but actually saying things that I could have thought just minutes ago. Its really kind of all of you to take the time to write your welcome. I should have thought of an online forum long time ago. This one seems to be really well moderated, too. Hopefully I can stand up to the grammar scrutiny :).

 

[bluecat]

Reply To Carrie

Carrie: "Sometimes listening to an ipod helps - to play the same song over and over, it has a numbing effect on my brain. Also, I know that they are God awful, but reminding yourself that it will end can help, and telling yourself that you won't always feel that way."

Hi Carrie,
thats exactly what I do too! Same song over and over again until I don't like it anymore. I call it maxing a song out. I also find some reassurance in telling myself that the flashback will eventually end, but sometimes it takes me a while to realize that I am having one. Mine are mostly emotional, luckily, most of the physical ones have subsided after a few years of treatment. When it hits, I am usually pretty bewildered by feeling something that is completely incongruous with my current reality. And then I remember that I get flashbacks and I am like: Oh yeah, that makes sense. It makes them less scary, but still no fun.

hugs back!

 

[bluecat]

Hello Bluecat
You just did replace them with a good one.

Awsome, I didn't even think of that. I actually accomplished something today, yay!!! My therapist has been suggesting a group therapy, but I don't have the guts to do that. I am extremely sensitive to seeing people in pain, especially women. Here I can turn the screen off if it gets too overwhelming and come back to it later.

Your Tribe. A tribe where we will 'get you', instantly understand, make an effort to ask questions if we are not exactly clear and never, ever look at your words with that bloody awful 'look of horror' that the so called normal people are so quick to give us when we say something that is part of our lives."

Welcome and BTW your writing is great.

Thanks Cynthia, the stuff about the tribe is very nice. Hahaha, thats all I can put together in response, good writting skills or not. I haven't felt like I fit in anywhere for a while and it means a lot to me. You've accomplished something too today, made me feel welcome and gave me hope. Big thanks.

 

[sassyfras]

Hey Bluecat, I liked your post a lot. It's really good to be able to come here on this forum and vent, but also to receive support and care from people who know what it's like when no one else is looking, has been a huge blessing for me. I sure hope it will be a positive experience overall for you too :)

 

[bluecat]

Thanks sassyfras!

I had to use your screen name, I like it a lot = )

 

[bluecat]

Wow BlueCat....I could have written your post. I too hold it together for the people out there. I have only just recently shared with my husband of 32 years my deepest "secrets". Even with that I can only share it happened but not the details. I've spent so many years stuffing my feelings that it seems impossible to understand "what I feel" let alone describe it, though I do try at times. Thank god for therapists!

You are definitely in the right place. Welcome to the forum. You will find many here who understand where you are at and why. Thanks for sharing!

Thank you for the welcome. I am actually bubbling over with the need to tell someone close lately, but I am cautious and holding it reigned in for two reasons.

First, I told some wrong people before I started therapy. It didn't include details or how I felt either, mostly because back then I didn't even remember. I told my exhusband in general that I nearly starved as a kid and that I was raped and beaten and humiliated and he used everything I told him to get an in on me and get me under his control and then he indulged his fantasies, the little shithead. When I figured out what he was doing, I was so mad I wanted to kill him with a knife. For real. Fortunately, I decided to run away instead : ) I hope one day I'll be with someone I'll be able to tell safely too, but I am gonna make damn sure he's not sadistic. 32 years sounds like a good enough time to get to know a person, lol.

The other reason why I find it hard to tell people in real life is because there is just sooooooooooo much of it in my life, a whole garden variety of neglect and cruelty, I can't even take thinking about it, why should others. Everyone has their own suffering and it's not fair for me to add to it. But I do want to be heard. I was thinking about writting a book, but then felt too ashamed and abnormal for anyone to relate to. Just one day on this forum and I am starting to feel that maybe thats not quite the right assesment.