Tips/ Coping Skills for interacting with a specific triggering person?

[SweetAsACoyote]

I recently started working for the first time, and obviously I was/am terrified. I hadn't been in any kind of situation like this since college classes, and that was years ago. I went through u.s. workforce, their program for veterans and disabled people (I'm the latter).

My boss is awful (in my opinion). He screams, he's really harsh, he constantly tells me I'm too slow, and his personality is just like that of my abuser. It's gotten the point now where I start to panic when he even walks in the room. I won't get into specifics, but almost ever interaction I've had with him has left me crying. I can't sleep nights before work, and I've hyper aroused almost every day.
The people I work with at workforce don't want me to quit because they might not be able to find me another job. And "this could be a good learning experience for you!". "There will be rude/loud/harsh people at every job"

I just really don't know what to do at this point. I can't just avoid him, because he's my boss. He's not always the manager, but he'll usually be around and working above me. (Posted on Reddit too)

 

[somerandomguy]

Yeah, unfortunately you need a new job. That job would be terrible for people without PTSD. For people like us, it's completely unsustainable and may retraumatize you.

I know how difficult it is to get a new job, especially if U.S. Workforce tells you you have to stick it out. But no one should have to work with abusive supervisors.

 

[Ronin]

If you want to keep that job?

That he's 'just like your abuser' is your answer ( and question, of how to change that perception.)

Because he isn't your abuser. Nor like him.
He only acts in ways that remind you of him.
Ie is a new prick in his own right, but not the old one.

You don't have to put up with the abuse he does. But if you for whatever reason *need* to? The keys in spotting the difference between then, and now.

And evaluating now by now mindset... not then.

 

[SweetAsACoyote]

Yeah, unfortunately you need a new job. That job would be terrible for people without PTSD. For people like us, it's completely unsustainable and may retraumatize you.

I know how difficult it is to get a new job, especially if U.S. Workforce tells you you have to stick it out. But no one should have to work with abusive supervisors.

Thank you for your input! I'll add that to.my list of "reasons I want a new job". Seriously, I appreciate it

If you want to keep that job?

That he's 'just like your abuser' is your answer ( and question, of how to change that perception.)

Because he isn't your abuser. Nor like him.
He only acts in ways that remind you of him.
Ie is a new prick in his own right, but not the old one.

You don't have to put up with the abuse he does. But if you for whatever reason *need* to? The keys in spotting the difference between then, and now.

And evaluating now by now mindset... not then.

I don't *have* to, my workforce counselors just want me to. And I have a hard time standing up to them (and for myself in general). It's getting to the point where I don't even care if they can find me another job though

 

[Sideways]

And I have a hard time standing up to them (and for myself in general).

Relate to this a lot.

But this is a big deal. It's not okay for a boss to yell at their employees. Period. Not okay. Not something you should put up with.

Is there ways that help you communicate more clearly when things are particularly stressful? I find that having written notes helps, and if I can, communicating via email. That way I can take my time reading, processing, letting the emotions pass, edit.

Difficult issues are much easier for me to negotiate in writing. I'm using my supports to help me communicate a big issue atm via email, as much as anything because I don't have the self-confidence required to stand my ground when I've been treated in an unacceptable way.

 

[SweetAsACoyote]

Relate to this a lot.

But this is a big deal. It's not okay for a boss to yell at their employees. Period. Not okay. Not something you should put up with.

Is there ways that help you communicate more clearly when things are particularly stressful? I find that having written notes helps, and if I can, communicating via email. That way I can take my time reading, processing, letting the emotions pass, edit.

Difficult issues are much easier for me to negotiate in writing. I'm using my supports to help me communicate a big issue atm via email, as much as anything because I don't have the self-confidence required to stand my ground when I've been treated in an unacceptable way.

I will try to take some notes with me to our next meeting. The last time I talked to them both counselors were on a joint call with me and I felt like they were talking "at me" instead of with me. My husband is going to come with for moral support as well, so hopefully that will help

 

[grit]

I am sorry you are this predicament.
No matter what I say or anyone, your experience is real for you and valid. I have had my own share of bosses who reminded me of my mother and my stomach turning inward - EVEN THOUGH I know for a fact they are not my mother or like her at all but again trigger has the clever way of picking something in our lives to show us what we need to learn, process and move through it. I mean that was pure transference for me. We see the world the way we saw it the first 8yrs of life and unless we examined it or life taught us otherwise, we just go along. Of course some people had it great the first 8yrs and fly by...but some of us those years were hell and we see the world through those lenses unless we lift the veil.

If you feel you must quit, then do but I hope you are in therapy to have support, reality testing experience, and gain strength in yourself to believe in yourself generally. It is truly possible, you ended up at a job where you and him just do not click so no matter your past or his, it is just no go.

I hope you find a better job or a way to water the storm in the meantime.

 

[SweetAsACoyote]

I am sorry you are this predicament.
No matter what I say or anyone, your experience is real for you and valid. I have had my own share of bosses who reminded me of my mother and my stomach turning inward - EVEN THOUGH I know for a fact they are not my mother or like her at all but again trigger has the clever way of picking something in our lives to show us what we need to learn, process and move through it. I mean that was pure transference for me. We see the world the way we saw it the first 8yrs of life and unless we examined it or life taught us otherwise, we just go along. Of course some people had it great the first 8yrs and fly by...but some of us those years were hell and we see the world through those lenses unless we lift the veil.

If you feel you must quit, then do but I hope you are in therapy to have support, reality testing experience, and gain strength in yourself to believe in yourself generally. It is truly possible, you ended up at a job where you and him just do not click so no matter your past or his, it is just no go.

I hope you find a better job or a way to water the storm in the meantime.

Thank you, I really appreciate your response! Hearing from people who can understand what I'm going through (and have been through) really means a lot to me, and helps me understand my feelings.

I'm going to get back in to therapy as soon as I'm able to :)