Suicidal Ideation, Re-Experiencing Or Just A Learned Behaviour?

[emmat]

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to consult the hive mind about something that's playing on my mind a bit. I feel I should mention, I have no intention of killing myself, I love my life (for the most part), my family and my friends and I'm starting to like 'me' a lot more too. This isn't a cry for attention or pity, it's just something that's been happening for years now and I've never really spoken about it. I guess because I have trouble communicating it well. People hear 'I keep thinking I want to die' and assume I'm only a step away from doing something silly, I understand why they do but that's not really the case here.

At least twice a day, often far more frequently, I'll be thinking about something like; 'Do I fancy a cup of tea or coffee?' or 'Where did I put my biro?' and the first thing that comes into my mind, unprompted as the answer is 'You should just go kill yourself now, it's as good a time as any.' I don't feel sad when it happens, the thought doesn't make me miserable. I just think to myself - 'Huh, that's a weird place to go in response to that question brain' and get on with my day. The way it just pop's in to my thoughts reminds me of the way that when someone asks what my name is I just automatically respond with 'Emma'. It's like an auto-pilot response.

It happens regardless of my mood. I'm used to it happening when I'm feeling really down or sinking into a fit of depression and I have learned to fight it off and bat it away without too much trouble at all over the years. I just don't think it's particularly healthy to have it happening all of the time, even when I'm out with friends, feeling really happy and relaxed and simply can't decide if I want a cup-cake or a cream-cake with my tea.

Now, I spent from the age of 4 all the way through to the age of 22 desperate to just kill myself and/or disappear off the face of the planet, because I was being abused either through neglect as a child, sexual assault as a teen or some vile acts of continual domestic violence and brain washing followed by stalking and multiple attempts on my life as a young adult. For lots of years the answer to all my problems was 'Just kill yourself' I either told myself that or was told by my abusers - now it seems to be hardwired in even though I really don't feel that way anymore. I don't have a plan. I simply won't do it, no matter how bad I feel.


Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone else relate to it at all? Is this what suicidal ideation is? Or is this just part of the CPTSD & the learned behaviours/ re-experiencing?

 

[kris]

Yes, this happens to me I can being the most mundane type of task and the thought damn i should slit my wrists, or jump off a bridge or something like that will pop into my head. I have been told this is a form of obsessive thoughts, like in ocd where you have an obsessive compulsive thought or act these forms of thoughts are the same thing.

 

[emmat]

Thanks Kris!

I'm glad to know others get it too. Has your therapist suggested any stratagies for reducing them - or is it just a case of 'keep ignoring them and eventually they'll start to vanish'?

 

[Jade-]

emmat, I have already shared with you that I go through the same thing. My T. told me to try and replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. He said if that doesn't work, just push them away and avoid them. He told me to do whatever, anything, to push them away, whether it's gardening, listening to music, etc.

This may not be a good idea for anyone else, but I told james B. that I have set a "deadline". If things aren't better for me by a certain date, that's it, I'm done. The strange thing is, since I said that, it seems like the thoughts have lessened some for me. Now when they pop in my head, I just remind myself of my deadline and it soothes me.

 

[pandora]

It is scary when our brains work this way..beleive me, I get it. I have been driving down the highway and will think I would like to run my car off the road, knowing how wrong that thinking is I do not do it but those negative thoughts are very scary.

 

[Jagged Angel]

Yes, I get these thoughts as well. I also have no intention of committing suicide.

 

[kris]

The ways I have been told are to basically push the thought of your head, through music or just through your own will power, say hey i don't want to do this and think of something pleasant. They haven't worked all that much yet but I am trying!

 

[BrotatoSalad]

It is scary when our brains work this way..beleive me, I get it. I have been driving down the highway and will think I would like to run my car off the road, knowing how wrong that thinking is I do not do it but those negative thoughts are very scary.

Glad I'm not alone. I'll be fine, but sometimes (infrequently), I'll just let go of the wheel for a while until I realize what the hell I'm doing. Then I'll stop it, and I'll get my car back to where it needs to be. It can happen on what I call "good days." It's just... I don't know how to phrase it. Involuntary??

 

[Iam]

"Intrusive" maybe? I have suffered from these thoughts every since I was about 10 yrs old. They can come out of the blue for no apparent reason, but usually there is a trigger that I can identify. Have actually tried a couple of times, but for the most part I know they will pass and I can just push them out of my mind. Get busy doing something or change my line of thinking.

If I don't catch it right away or if it occurs as a result of something that sends me spiraling then it's bad. There are times when I am really scared that I will follow thru.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

I struggle with these thoughts as well. When I'm already overwhelmed with stress or depression they scare me badly. When I'm doing OK, it's just an annoyance when they pop up and I shove them away. I really would like to know how to get those thoughts out of my head. I am really sick of them. I've tried the deadline thing. I've tried distraction. I've tried the impossible plan route. (For example, the last time they got really bad I decided I would sleepwalk into something. It served the dual purpose of helping me fall asleep and quieting the thoughts.)

I honestly do not know whether it is a learned behavior or not. I really don't want to die. I just want to not feel the pain when it gets too bad.

Tiger

 

[bluesky]

There's a part in Girl, Interrupted when she's explaining how she attempted to take her own life, how the question suddenly popped into her head, and then it would just persist and come into every part of her life. The difference I think is that she as contemplating it, while you are quite certain you are not. it's just an intrusive thought.

However, to err on the safe side of caution, I think it's best to keep a close watch on them. Have you tried disputing them? i.e. talking back to them in a nonjudgemental voice, that it's an extreme reaction? My psychologist taught me mindfullness, which has helped some. Also having a purpose I think, or a sense of direction in life. Thats a lot harder.

I think we have many 'minds'. I think when the voice tells me to harm myself, it's the voice that's seeing things in extremes, or is delusional (Jesus and God get dragged into it...). I read a book by an 'expert' in suicidology, Shneidman, who argued one should never do harm to themselves when they're feeling suicidal! Quite clever really. So now I try to 'watch' my mind, and yes at times it overwhelms me so I call a friend or Lifeline.

Bluesky

 

[anni]

My T asks me to check in with him via phone if one of these pops up and it feels like is too intrusive. They're awfully knee-jerk. Maybe mostly non-intentiones of course but if one habitually also connects them to checking in with someone it sort of stops the 'flow', if you know what I mean. Just helps.