Strangelongtrip
Platinum Member
I want to preface this: I'm not trying to say I think all men are bad or anything. There's men I talk to I feel safe talking to and wouldn't mind getting coffee with. I just haven't had a close male friend in years.
I talked to a friend of mine I haven't seen in years and just would text with here and there. He's a guy. We video chatted and it was nice, but afterwards I felt something like being triggered, alarm bells going off. He didn't really say anything that would have done that, and I was just sitting here thinking about why and realized: I haven't had a male friend in years.
This friend, we can call him H, was a great friend to me. We hung out every day my first year of college, but that's when my PTSD started being debilitating and I started thinking paranoid things about him and projecting things onto him that weren't real. H and I later talked about it and worked through it, but we were never as close as we were, and he also moved. I'll be moving near him soon.
One time when I saw him he made me walk home drunk in a city, although it was a safe area. He may have expected me to call an uber, but I don't remember that being a conversation and I just walked. I was really, really drunk. I was fine and made it home and it was actually a great walk, but this put me off some. The only other thing that would be unsafe about H is he drinks a lot, but he told me on the phone he had stopped after doing something stupid while drunk. I think what happened is he assaulted someone, and I guess that's freaking me out. He seemed mortified, and had taken responsibility for his actions, and him and the friend are okay now. I feel like I may have done something similar but don't remember if it really happened. Some part of me wants to punish myself for this.
My "main" trauma was an abusive relationship with a man (I'm a woman) where I was raped repeatedly and abused in every sense. It was when I was 18, from high school into college. It was my first relationship. It was about an 8th month relationship, happened like 5 years ago. I'm mostly through it and was amazed that I could just read that last sentence without feeling distressed. His best friend was also a rapist, raped my friend while she was blacked out. The other five male friends I had, every single one of them sexually assaulted or raped someone I know or alternatively, one collected porn from a 14 year old, and one sexually assaulted me as well (while my abusive ex boyfriend was next to me, laughing). All of those sentences, I have a harder time reading. The one male friend I had that assaulted me, D, now works as a bouncer at a local bar. I won't go down there now. He reached out to me recently and apologized but he told me he still drinks until it almost kills him and he assaulted me while he was blackout drunk so I blocked him on everything.
I don't really know what to do. I feel like H could be dangerous, but I also wonder if it's just a trauma response to never being in a healthy relationship or friendship with a man that wasn't a rapist. H has never even tried anything with me, blackout drunk crossfaded or anything. I know one guy who dated me that also had sex with me when blackout but he had no idea I was blackout because I was functioning normally. He was really sorry for it too and we're on okay terms now but I have no interest in talking to him. I just wonder if it's harder for me to be friends with men because of all my trauma. I don't want it to be that way. I know a few people I'd like to be good friends with but it makes me nervous sometimes, but that's a different nervous than this--I experience that nervousness regardless of someone's gender. But I also don't know if it's H in particular because of my history and what he told me he did.
I don't drink that much anymore and I don't use drugs anymore (unless you count marijuana for medical purposes--I smoke a little bit like macrodosing for help with PTSD, depression and chronic pain), so maybe someone who still does makes me nervous? Bad things always happened to me when people were smoking and drinking around me. I can have a few drinks with a friend but I haven't had drinks with a male friend in years. Thank you for reading.
I talked to a friend of mine I haven't seen in years and just would text with here and there. He's a guy. We video chatted and it was nice, but afterwards I felt something like being triggered, alarm bells going off. He didn't really say anything that would have done that, and I was just sitting here thinking about why and realized: I haven't had a male friend in years.
This friend, we can call him H, was a great friend to me. We hung out every day my first year of college, but that's when my PTSD started being debilitating and I started thinking paranoid things about him and projecting things onto him that weren't real. H and I later talked about it and worked through it, but we were never as close as we were, and he also moved. I'll be moving near him soon.
One time when I saw him he made me walk home drunk in a city, although it was a safe area. He may have expected me to call an uber, but I don't remember that being a conversation and I just walked. I was really, really drunk. I was fine and made it home and it was actually a great walk, but this put me off some. The only other thing that would be unsafe about H is he drinks a lot, but he told me on the phone he had stopped after doing something stupid while drunk. I think what happened is he assaulted someone, and I guess that's freaking me out. He seemed mortified, and had taken responsibility for his actions, and him and the friend are okay now. I feel like I may have done something similar but don't remember if it really happened. Some part of me wants to punish myself for this.
My "main" trauma was an abusive relationship with a man (I'm a woman) where I was raped repeatedly and abused in every sense. It was when I was 18, from high school into college. It was my first relationship. It was about an 8th month relationship, happened like 5 years ago. I'm mostly through it and was amazed that I could just read that last sentence without feeling distressed. His best friend was also a rapist, raped my friend while she was blacked out. The other five male friends I had, every single one of them sexually assaulted or raped someone I know or alternatively, one collected porn from a 14 year old, and one sexually assaulted me as well (while my abusive ex boyfriend was next to me, laughing). All of those sentences, I have a harder time reading. The one male friend I had that assaulted me, D, now works as a bouncer at a local bar. I won't go down there now. He reached out to me recently and apologized but he told me he still drinks until it almost kills him and he assaulted me while he was blackout drunk so I blocked him on everything.
I don't really know what to do. I feel like H could be dangerous, but I also wonder if it's just a trauma response to never being in a healthy relationship or friendship with a man that wasn't a rapist. H has never even tried anything with me, blackout drunk crossfaded or anything. I know one guy who dated me that also had sex with me when blackout but he had no idea I was blackout because I was functioning normally. He was really sorry for it too and we're on okay terms now but I have no interest in talking to him. I just wonder if it's harder for me to be friends with men because of all my trauma. I don't want it to be that way. I know a few people I'd like to be good friends with but it makes me nervous sometimes, but that's a different nervous than this--I experience that nervousness regardless of someone's gender. But I also don't know if it's H in particular because of my history and what he told me he did.
I don't drink that much anymore and I don't use drugs anymore (unless you count marijuana for medical purposes--I smoke a little bit like macrodosing for help with PTSD, depression and chronic pain), so maybe someone who still does makes me nervous? Bad things always happened to me when people were smoking and drinking around me. I can have a few drinks with a friend but I haven't had drinks with a male friend in years. Thank you for reading.
