That keeps going over and over in my mind lately,that I had plenty of chances to tell what was happening to/around me.
I wish I hadn't been afraid of the consequences.I wish I would have had the courage to.I could have prevented much of the SA if I had.
I'm not blaming myself, I know I was just a child.I know I was threatened and brainwashed.I know that I was conditioned to do and allow what was going on. I know that I didn't know any better or even really understand that it was abuse when I was very young. I never knew what it was like to not have it happen,it was my normal. I don't remember a time or an age that it wasn't going on so it was as normal to me as brushing my teeth every day.
But when I was older and began to realize it wasn't normal,that it wasn't a part of every child's life,I still didn't tell anyone.And I feel I "allowed" it to happen because I did know better then.
If I had told someone it probably wouldn't have continued until I was 17 years old.It's humiliating that I could have at least spoke up as a teenager and I didn't. Instead I just kept doing what I was told and what was expected of me,even without the threats.
I didn't question it,I didn't protest,I didn't refuse.
And that's the hardest thing to deal with and accept.
I wish I hadn't been afraid of the consequences.I wish I would have had the courage to.I could have prevented much of the SA if I had.
I'm not blaming myself, I know I was just a child.I know I was threatened and brainwashed.I know that I was conditioned to do and allow what was going on. I know that I didn't know any better or even really understand that it was abuse when I was very young. I never knew what it was like to not have it happen,it was my normal. I don't remember a time or an age that it wasn't going on so it was as normal to me as brushing my teeth every day.
But when I was older and began to realize it wasn't normal,that it wasn't a part of every child's life,I still didn't tell anyone.And I feel I "allowed" it to happen because I did know better then.
If I had told someone it probably wouldn't have continued until I was 17 years old.It's humiliating that I could have at least spoke up as a teenager and I didn't. Instead I just kept doing what I was told and what was expected of me,even without the threats.
I didn't question it,I didn't protest,I didn't refuse.
And that's the hardest thing to deal with and accept.