Childhood I Had Plenty Of Chances To Tell

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
You're alive and whole-ish.
That IS you resisting, protesting, not going with it, and all.

The only protest mattering.
If breaking the silence lands you more hurt or dead (which with abused kids always a high chance) then silent & surviving is the badass to aim for.

I no comprendo that Speak up be brave bullshit going around.
It's Be Smartest you can & Survive.
Be brave is f*ck all useful if you're dead because of it.
 

RoseyViolet

New Here
That keeps going over and over in my mind lately,that I had plenty of chances to tell what was happening to/around me.

I wish I hadn't been afraid of the consequences.I wish I would have had the courage to.I could have prevented much of the SA if I had.
whe
I'm not blaming myself, I know I was just a child.I know I was threatened and brainwashed.I know that I was conditioned to do and allow what was going on. I know that I didn't know any better or even really understand that it was abuse when I was very young. I never knew what it was like to not have it happen,it was my normal. I don't remember a time or an age that it wasn't going on so it was as normal to me as brushing my teeth every day.

But when I was older and began to realize it wasn't normal,that it wasn't a part of every child's life,I still didn't tell anyone.And I feel I "allowed" it to happen because I did know better then.

If I had told someone it probably wouldn't have continued until I was 17 years old.It's humiliating that I could have at least spoke up as a teenager and I didn't. Instead I just kept doing what I was told and what was expected of me,even without the threats.

I didn't question it,I didn't protest,I didn't refuse.

And that's the hardest thing to deal with and accept.

Probably some of the most destructive thoughts/words are those that are "would have, could have, should have" when it comes to abuse endured as a child. You were a young, innocent, trusting child who thought like a child and trusted adults around you to love you and not abuse you. That trust was broken, your foundation was broken. Another person stole away what you were to young to comprehend giving away. In the future interactions, even though you were older, your abused self reverted back to being that scared child who doesn't fully know what to do, feel or respond to this same situation. It's like feeling trapped inside of your abuse and not knowing if there is a safe place to turn. Part of it feels good because it's some love, some comfort of being something at least you know and have been in those situations before even if the other side of you says, "No, this isn't what I want or asked for". It's all very confusing, scary and understandable for those of us who have been abused and see it for what it is. Please do not torture yourself with thinking any of this was your fault. When another person forces themselves, their wants, desires and actions upon you without your consent, want or desire to do such actions, it's against your will and is abusive. Please seek help through counseling, please seek help through a survivors of sexual abuse group therapy, it can really help to hear from others who have been through similar situations. I'll be praying for you, I understand the desperation and trauma of sexual abuse. At times I felt like I was a split personality as I had to act as if life were normal when in reality it was very much NOT normal, good or healthy.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
You did what instinct told you you had to to survive. I love the book the Gift of Fear because it goes back on these what ifs and talks about our intuition.... mainly to keep us out of danger but it also works to understand we minimised risk to ourselves.

In my experience you can tell and be not believed and THIS is problematic because it feeds a self critic that you are less correct than a gaslighting abuser.

We make millions of micro calculations about our circumstances- circumstances specific to us, the people around us . No one can tell you what you chose was wrong because they were not you making those unconscious calculations or knows your capacity at those times.

YOU were not in the wrong.
 

katz

MyPTSD Pro
When you're a child, your whole world is your parents, so to "lose" them (from a child's perspective) is not worth telling anything to anybody. Especially if they told you not to. To a young child- it seems like it would mean death. So to save yourself - you don't tell.
Reassure yourself that you reacted in the "child" way, the only way you knew how to back then.
 
J

James G

Thanks.This isn't my diary though.

It probably reads like a diary entry though since I made statements but didn't ask any questions,didn't ask for help or support or anything.

I guess I just needed to throw it out there,that I had plenty of chances to tell and I didn't.
That's how the healing starts tho. Talk to anyone who will listen. Guilt and regret are tough to deal with. But I think your headed the right way, on the right road. You could have stood up and said something but you didn't. You can't go back. You can stand up and help yourself now. And you can overcome your fear of being bullied or victimized and make sure your prepared to stand up and shout the next time. It is important to know when it's time for that and how to go about it but it's something you learn thru trial and error. You just gotta keep trying, never quit and be positive. Your past shame of feeling inadequate or cowardice can be redirected into a positive by making it the reason why you changed your life and became the person you are destined to become. It won't follow you around your whole life and cause you shame or resentment (and be a trigger for your depression) if you embrace it and turn it into a positive. I think you already know this. Something tells me you just need affirmation. If you don't have anyone to validate your feelings...I will be here. Im miserable but I don't know how to give up on the people I love or anything else. I've been trying to get my son to stand up. I'm not sure I did it in the best way possible but i did it with the best intentions and because I know he will suffer if he doesn't. Of course he hates me for it and blames me. Alot of people think that knowing what you have done wrong is the first thing you need to do in order to begin the healing...it's knowing that you want to do right. That's when the healing process will begin. Your about to find your road. Put some music on and see life. Find passions. Seek adventure and fun. And do it in the sun. Sleeping all day and up all night is for vampires and not healthy for people like you and me. Be well.

I feel the same way. My abuse happened by multiple persons and at different times. And I also feel I should have said something, especially given the many opportunities I had to do so. I know that I was a child when it was happening, and that I was scared of what would happen if I did say anything. Logically, I understand that I did nothing wrong, and that my failure to say anything about my abuse is not my fault. However, I still have difficulty telling myself it, and believing it to be true. And, my therapist also has a hard time trying to convince me too.

I was 4 when it began, and so the chances of me saying something that age were slim because I didn’t really understand what was happening, even though I still knew it wasn’t supposed to be happening. But I get why I didn’t really say anything because I was 4.The problem is that I wasn‘t 4 the whole time. And he stopped a few years later, so I then I didn’t need to say anything anymore because there wasn’t anything to tell anymore. And during that time, after it stopped I came to realize why it was that what he was doing was wrong, so I knew I should say something if it were to ever happen again.

But, when it did happen again, when I was 12, I still said nothing. I still kept my mouth shut, even though it meant that It would continue to happen. And while I get that as a 12 year old, I was scared and afraid of the consequences of telling, and that as a child it’s more common not to say anything, I wasn’t 12 the whole time. It continued until I was 17, and during that time, the guy would also invite his friends over to “have fun.” But I still refused to say anything, even when my mom asked me if something was happening, I told her no, and even reassured her by telling her that if it ever happened I would be sure to tell her. And since 16 is the age of consent, it would mean that ages 16 and 17, I was a willing participant, since I would always say I wanted it.

My therapist tries to explain that I wasn’t willing because I didn‘t want to do it, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I said “yes” to it. She says that it does though, because of the age that it began at, and because it was coerced, but I still know what I was saying yes to. And despite it continually getting worse overtime, I didn’t dare even say a word.

I feel the biggest difficulty I have with accepting the fact that I was a child and have none of the blame, is that I was asked point blank by my mom if I was being abused, and I lied to her, and thus helped him continue to do it.

Another big difficulty of mine is why I said nothing. I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want people to know what was happening, and I was afraid of what people would think and say about me. And I know it’s because I was scared, so I said nothing. But my problem is that now I know it wasn’t worth it. My silence wasn’t worth those 5 years of abuse by those men, and it was foolish of me to have kept my mouth shut and suffered through it because of that. Especially given how much I’m suffering now, even though it’s long stopped. Even more so is the fact that I still feel that if something were to ever happen again, I would still say nothing about it.

My therapist tries to convince me that it’s actually brave to endure any amount of abuse, because it takes a whole lot of courage to put up with it. I get what she means by it, but I still feel that if I was really brave, I would have said something to make it stop, and that true bravery for me would have been to endure what people would say after it came out. She still tries to convince me otherwise though. She say that eventually with time, I will come to accept that it wasn’t my fault entirely, and that even though there will still be days where I go back to blaming myself, I would be able to tell myself that it isn’t my fault, but actually believe it when I say it too.

And I truly hope that day will come for you too. You just have to keep telling it to yourself, even though you may not fully believe it right now. With time, hopefully you will come around to it, because like you said, you already know that as a child, you were manipulated into doing it, and not saying anything. You just now need to believe it emotionally, because cognitively, you have reasoned to it already.

Sorry for the long post.
You ARE BRAVE. Your brave and strong to be speaking openly about it. You will never be a victim again and I bet you will help others who have suffered similarly and possibly help someone avoid being a victim too. Your on your way. There's good in you. Alot. I can sense it. You can retool you shame and guilt into a positive...you just need to keep talking and the it will one day suddenly all make sense and you will find your purpose. When you do I think you will be a force to reconned with.
 

oakleaves

Confident
That keeps going over and over in my mind lately,that I had plenty of chances to tell what was happening to/around me....
I didn't question it,I didn't protest,I didn't refuse.
And that's the hardest thing to deal with and accept.

I relate to this. You are not on your own. It still wasn't your fault. It really wasn't.
 

katz

MyPTSD Pro
Sadly, I know that I did tell.....and yet it went on and on.

I found a letter that I wrote to God when I was very young. I wasn't even spelling correctly yet. So, it must be lower elementary school. I asked Him for help, and "told" Him that "I had told my mother." Then I asked him why He didn't help me...……..(sobs !)
 

Wonder Woman

MyPTSD Pro
Please, understand this: If it had been safe for you to tell, if you could have, then you would have told.

You were groomed from a young age to believe the abuse was normal, and to accept that you deserved it. Even after you realized it wasn't part of most childhoods, you were still under that "brainwashing and control."

I know it is hard to fully accept. I still struggle with this, too.

You waited until it was safe and then you told. I'm proud of you for doing what you needed to do to take care of yourself the best you knew how.

Personally, I told people and the response I got was less than helpful. It retraumatized me, and further delayed my seeking help in adulthood. So, see either way we end up placing blame on ourselves, when all along it only ever belonged to those who committed these atrocious acts against small, helpless children.

Please, throw the blame squarely where it belongs... onto your abusers. You are completely blameless. You were only a young child. Even as a teen, you were in a terrible abused and broken place. If you could have told at that time, you would have.

I am keeping you in my prayers. May you find the peace you so rightly deserve.
 

Wonder Woman

MyPTSD Pro
I feel the same way. My abuse happened by multiple persons and at different times. And I also feel I should have said something, especially given the many opportunities I had to do so. I know that I was a child when it was happening, and that I was scared of what would happen if I did say anything. Logically, I understand that I did nothing wrong, and that my failure to say anything about my abuse is not my fault. However, I still have difficulty telling myself it, and believing it to be true. And, my therapist also has a hard time trying to convince me too.

I was 4 when it began, and so the chances of me saying something that age were slim because I didn’t really understand what was happening, even though I still knew it wasn’t supposed to be happening. But I get why I didn’t really say anything because I was 4.The problem is that I wasn‘t 4 the whole time. And he stopped a few years later, so I then I didn’t need to say anything anymore because there wasn’t anything to tell anymore. And during that time, after it stopped I came to realize why it was that what he was doing was wrong, so I knew I should say something if it were to ever happen again.

But, when it did happen again, when I was 12, I still said nothing. I still kept my mouth shut, even though it meant that It would continue to happen. And while I get that as a 12 year old, I was scared and afraid of the consequences of telling, and that as a child it’s more common not to say anything, I wasn’t 12 the whole time. It continued until I was 17, and during that time, the guy would also invite his friends over to “have fun.” But I still refused to say anything, even when my mom asked me if something was happening, I told her no, and even reassured her by telling her that if it ever happened I would be sure to tell her. And since 16 is the age of consent, it would mean that ages 16 and 17, I was a willing participant, since I would always say I wanted it.

My therapist tries to explain that I wasn’t willing because I didn‘t want to do it, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I said “yes” to it. She says that it does though, because of the age that it began at, and because it was coerced, but I still know what I was saying yes to. And despite it continually getting worse overtime, I didn’t dare even say a word.

I feel the biggest difficulty I have with accepting the fact that I was a child and have none of the blame, is that I was asked point blank by my mom if I was being abused, and I lied to her, and thus helped him continue to do it.

Another big difficulty of mine is why I said nothing. I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want people to know what was happening, and I was afraid of what people would think and say about me. And I know it’s because I was scared, so I said nothing. But my problem is that now I know it wasn’t worth it. My silence wasn’t worth those 5 years of abuse by those men, and it was foolish of me to have kept my mouth shut and suffered through it because of that. Especially given how much I’m suffering now, even though it’s long stopped. Even more so is the fact that I still feel that if something were to ever happen again, I would still say nothing about it.

My therapist tries to convince me that it’s actually brave to endure any amount of abuse, because it takes a whole lot of courage to put up with it. I get what she means by it, but I still feel that if I was really brave, I would have said something to make it stop, and that true bravery for me would have been to endure what people would say after it came out. She still tries to convince me otherwise though. She say that eventually with time, I will come to accept that it wasn’t my fault entirely, and that even though there will still be days where I go back to blaming myself, I would be able to tell myself that it isn’t my fault, but actually believe it when I say it too.

And I truly hope that day will come for you too. You just have to keep telling it to yourself, even though you may not fully believe it right now. With time, hopefully you will come around to it, because like you said, you already know that as a child, you were manipulated into doing it, and not saying anything. You just now need to believe it emotionally, because cognitively, you have reasoned to it already.

Sorry for the long post.
You were four-years-old when the abuse started. Your brain was "wired" to accept this abuse as normal/what to expect/how you should be treated. Basically, part of your development was arrested at age four. Please, try to understand that this early abuse literally changed your brain. It rendered you incapable of protecting yourself.

As an abused teen, you were still in many ways a small four-year-old. If you had the skills/ability to tell, you would have. Please, please let yourself off the hook. You did NOTHING wrong. (Sorry for the caps, couldn't figure out how to bold or italics the font). You were a young child. You were a teenager with an abuse history that essentially meant you became four-years-old again when you were revictimized again and again.

I'm so sorry you have had to endure such terrible abuse. I pray you will be kind to yourself, and realize that you did the best you could under horrible circumstances.

I pray you will find the peace and healing you so rightfully deserve.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
That keeps going over and over in my mind lately,that I had plenty of chances to tell what was happening to/around me.

I wish I hadn't been afraid of the consequences.I wish I would have had the courage to.I could have prevented much of the SA if I had.

I'm not blaming myself, I know I was just a child.I know I was threatened and brainwashed.I know that I was conditioned to do and allow what was going on. I know that I didn't know any better or even really understand that it was abuse when I was very young. I never knew what it was like to not have it happen,it was my normal. I don't remember a time or an age that it wasn't going on so it was as normal to me as brushing my teeth every day.

But when I was older and began to realize it wasn't normal,that it wasn't a part of every child's life,I still didn't tell anyone.And I feel I "allowed" it to happen because I did know better then.

If I had told someone it probably wouldn't have continued until I was 17 years old.It's humiliating that I could have at least spoke up as a teenager and I didn't. Instead I just kept doing what I was told and what was expected of me,even without the threats.

I didn't question it,I didn't protest,I didn't refuse.

And that's the hardest thing to deal with and accept.

Your so brave for writing and sharing your story. I too never used to speak about the abuse that was going on in my life. I was so scared that I literally couldn't speak from a traumatised and mental point of view. I felt that I allowed things to happen when I could have stopped them.
Try not to be to hard on yourself. You too were traumatised and didn't know any different at the time. Abuse and trauma effects us for years or decades. All the best to you. S3
 

Starfire

Confident
That keeps going over and over in my mind lately,that I had plenty of chances to tell what was happening to/around me.

I wish I hadn't been afraid of the consequences.I wish I would have had the courage to.I could have prevented much of the SA if I had.

I'm not blaming myself, I know I was just a child.I know I was threatened and brainwashed.I know that I was conditioned to do and allow what was going on. I know that I didn't know any better or even really understand that it was abuse when I was very young. I never knew what it was like to not have it happen,it was my normal. I don't remember a time or an age that it wasn't going on so it was as normal to me as brushing my teeth every day.

But when I was older and began to realize it wasn't normal,that it wasn't a part of every child's life,I still didn't tell anyone.And I feel I "allowed" it to happen because I did know better then.

If I had told someone it probably wouldn't have continued until I was 17 years old.It's humiliating that I could have at least spoke up as a teenager and I didn't. Instead I just kept doing what I was told and what was expected of me,even without the threats.

I didn't question it,I didn't protest,I didn't refuse.

And that's the hardest thing to deal with and accept.
That is so hard to deal with. I did tell .Nobody believed me because of who he was. I was selected cuz they knew I wouldn't tell. I obeyed authority. I was the *good* girl. They knew that.
 

katz

MyPTSD Pro
That is so hard to deal with. I did tell .Nobody believed me because of who he was. I was selected cuz they knew I wouldn't tell. I obeyed authority. I was the *good* girl. They knew that.
When I told - everyone erupted at me. My whole family was yelling -again - at me. It was like being "re-traumatized". I won't do that again. :(
 
Top