I feel the same way. My abuse happened by multiple persons and at different times. And I also feel I should have said something, especially given the many opportunities I had to do so. I know that I was a child when it was happening, and that I was scared of what would happen if I did say anything. Logically, I understand that I did nothing wrong, and that my failure to say anything about my abuse is not my fault. However, I still have difficulty telling myself it, and believing it to be true. And, my therapist also has a hard time trying to convince me too.
I was 4 when it began, and so the chances of me saying something that age were slim because I didn’t really understand what was happening, even though I still knew it wasn’t supposed to be happening. But I get why I didn’t really say anything because I was 4.The problem is that I wasn‘t 4 the whole time. And he stopped a few years later, so I then I didn’t need to say anything anymore because there wasn’t anything to tell anymore. And during that time, after it stopped I came to realize why it was that what he was doing was wrong, so I knew I should say something if it were to ever happen again.
But, when it did happen again, when I was 12, I still said nothing. I still kept my mouth shut, even though it meant that It would continue to happen. And while I get that as a 12 year old, I was scared and afraid of the consequences of telling, and that as a child it’s more common not to say anything, I wasn’t 12 the whole time. It continued until I was 17, and during that time, the guy would also invite his friends over to “have fun.” But I still refused to say anything, even when my mom asked me if something was happening, I told her no, and even reassured her by telling her that if it ever happened I would be sure to tell her. And since 16 is the age of consent, it would mean that ages 16 and 17, I was a willing participant, since I would always say I wanted it.
My therapist tries to explain that I wasn’t willing because I didn‘t want to do it, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I said “yes” to it. She says that it does though, because of the age that it began at, and because it was coerced, but I still know what I was saying yes to. And despite it continually getting worse overtime, I didn’t dare even say a word.
I feel the biggest difficulty I have with accepting the fact that I was a child and have none of the blame, is that I was asked point blank by my mom if I was being abused, and I lied to her, and thus helped him continue to do it.
Another big difficulty of mine is why I said nothing. I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want people to know what was happening, and I was afraid of what people would think and say about me. And I know it’s because I was scared, so I said nothing. But my problem is that now I know it wasn’t worth it. My silence wasn’t worth those 5 years of abuse by those men, and it was foolish of me to have kept my mouth shut and suffered through it because of that. Especially given how much I’m suffering now, even though it’s long stopped. Even more so is the fact that I still feel that if something were to ever happen again, I would still say nothing about it.
My therapist tries to convince me that it’s actually brave to endure any amount of abuse, because it takes a whole lot of courage to put up with it. I get what she means by it, but I still feel that if I was really brave, I would have said something to make it stop, and that true bravery for me would have been to endure what people would say after it came out. She still tries to convince me otherwise though. She say that eventually with time, I will come to accept that it wasn’t my fault entirely, and that even though there will still be days where I go back to blaming myself, I would be able to tell myself that it isn’t my fault, but actually believe it when I say it too.
And I truly hope that day will come for you too. You just have to keep telling it to yourself, even though you may not fully believe it right now. With time, hopefully you will come around to it, because like you said, you already know that as a child, you were manipulated into doing it, and not saying anything. You just now need to believe it emotionally, because cognitively, you have reasoned to it already.
Sorry for the long post.
