Just need hope and positivity

[Kaylove498]

I'm more of just venting but would love comments and advice.

I deal with depression,severe anxiety,PTSD,and hypochondriac.I also deal with depersonalization/derealization.

I started Zoloft 3 days ago and I've felt very odd.Everything seems to be moving very fast.Times,days,weeks.I find myself very lost and confused.I know what date year all of that is but I'll think of something and I'll be almost in amazement that it didn't happen yesterday.which this feeling of loss of time has been happening since October.

I find myself very angry at times because I don't feel a whole lot of emotion towards people or life anymore.Ill think of old memories and almost feel as though that's just a memory of someone I knew.

In a sense I don't know who I am.I answer to my name but the thought that I exist overwhelms me.At times I'll look at my hands or get an odd sensation that my body isn't mine,or I'll all of a sudden not be able to feel myself breathe even though I am breathing.

I've questioned reality and whether life and death is even a real thing even though I've seen it first hand between my work experience and sadly through seeing my brother in law pass.

I dealt with alot of stress over the last year I gained custody of my family members 3 month old baby and dealt with alot of back with papers and sadly the babies mother do to her being out of the state I live in.we had her for almost a year when her mother returned I had a hard time.we fought for months to keep the child only to have to face reality that the mother was back.we fought and gained nothing.

The child did stay with us much longer after the mother gained custody back because she wanted me to be her support and I did.

One morning I was up getting the baby ready talking with my mother in law about the possibility of gaining full custody and what our reality was with the case.soon after starting the conversation we moved into another subject and mid sentence my mother in law fell back and as I turned I saw a look that I still picture in my head.I asked was she okay she didn't respond.I have worked medical field for years and I knew within seconds to begin CPR.I got her daughter who is older than me out of bed and ran in and had them get her positioned for cpr.a few weeks passed after staying at the hospital and staying on edge and flashbacks and fears and we found out she made it she beat every odd out there.this was in June of 2019.once I knew she was okay it's like I just came unglued all my panic and fear just took over I cried I stopped eating I thought knowing she was okay would make me okay.It didn't though I always worry she has been home since August and I have been on edge with every move cough sneeze that she makes.

I've even found myself not doing certain things or laying and sitting certain ways because that image of her falling back is imbedded in my mind.

Once she was home things went South for me and my spouse between his mother and the baby being back with their bio mom all the stress and tears finally just took over.we split up for a bit and it was hard we had been together for 6 years.

A month after breaking up I got a call it was his brother and him telling me that his brother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

I packed my bags and I went home the love of my life was yet again watching a family member fight for their life the very first person I met in my spouses family may not be here by Christmas so I came home.

I stayed and helped my brother in law bathe eat,walk,sit down,lay down whatever he needed I tried to be there.october 30th 2019 he lost his fight.I remember like it was yesterday I walked in the room and being in the medical field the breathes he took I just knew this was it I left the room in fear to see that again only to turn around 5 minutes later to see my spouse in a panic because he watched his own brother stop breathing.I didn't know what to do or say I cried but that's all I could do.

Something changed in me that night and I'm still trying to figure out what or if I will ever be me again.

me and my spouse came home after saying our goodbyes when I walked into our home that night everything looked different I didn't feel present anymore.I knew it was home but it felt strange.I figured it was because the home we stayed in was the last place we saw my brother n law laugh and somewhat healthy.

I brushed this feeling off only to wake up at 3 am with a panic lost on what was going on. Once again I was right back into losing my mind.

The following week we had his memorial that same day my spouse ended things with me. Two days later he called me in tears not knowing what to do or how to handle this he left out of fear that he'll lose me next.I came home once again only to be taken over by stress once more we had the baby because the mother was in a bad place again. me and my spouse were still processing that his brother is gone while watching my mother in law out of fear that she'll be gone again.

We broke up once more it was to much.We needed time to process things.I stayed strong through everything that happened right until it was over so running is what I did.I came back home of course right before Christmas because moving just didn't seem right I felt more lost and in a daze more like my reality just wasn't there anymore.

Sadly coming home that hasn't changed I'm still in a dream I'm still lost confused.I am now in therapy and on zoloft but some days I just sit with odd feelings and thoughts about life.since starting the zoloft a couple days ago I've felt even more off physically.things in my relationship are better everyone else has seemed to be past what's happened in the last year.Why can't i.

I know I wrote alot I just wanted to vent all I want is reassurance that I'm not stuck like this forever.somedays I feel like nothing has happened other days I feel like my entire life collapsed in a matter of 6 months including my sanity.

 

[Kamorth]

I know this sounds hard to believe, but you're not the first person to feel this extreme out-of-placeness. You're not the first person to feel any of this stuff after the amount of stress you're describing. This is fantastic news because it means that you're not broken, you're not alone, and you can remind yourself that people have gotten through feeling like this before and gone on to have full and happy lives. That means you can too.

Meds often make us feel odd when we first start taking them, that's completely normal for mental health medications. Just keep whoever prescribed them to you updated on what you're going through and they'll let you know if you need to worry. It can take up to a couple of months for your system to fully adjust to a medication so unless the side effects are making you more miserable than you were when you weren't taking the Zoloft, try to stick with it. The wounds you're talking about are still very raw and it sounds like you're still going through to the traumatic situation so if I were you I would take all the help I could get. There's no medal for making it harder on yourself. Therapy is also a very important and very good step. You're doing everything right by the sounds of things.

Something changed in me that night and I'm still trying to figure out what or if I will ever be me again.

Yes, something did change in you. Experiences change us, sometimes for the better but not always. You are still you and you always will be, but you're right, you'll never be the person you were 6 months ago again. That's not an inherently bad thing. You'll never be the person you were last week or yesterday or when you were 9 again either. These experiences did change you and they would have changed anyone who went through them, even if they'd been spaced out over 6 years instead of 6 months. The thing you have to remember is that adversity means growth. When you're ready, you can use all of this as a foundation for building a new part of yourself that is stronger and better than it was before. Right now, as I said, your wounds are still fresh and raw so your priority is to rest and give yourself time to heal. You wouldn't expect a broken leg to just hurry up and stop being broken, you'd expect it to take at least 6-8 weeks, and you wouldn't go running on a broken leg in an attempt to make it stronger either. The human brain is so much more complicated than a leg bone and we don't even know how it works properly yet. It takes much longer to heal and there's a lot more guesswork involved too. Educated guesses, but since every brain is different there's a lot of "This works for some people, let's try it and see if it works for you". Even when you are healed and happy with life again, there will still be scars. That's okay though, everyone has scars of some kind or another.

It's not about whether or not you can be the same person you were 6 months ago, it's about whether or not you can be happy again. And here's the best news of all: The answer to that question is yes, absolutely, and you're already doing all the right things to make that happen.

 

[Kaylove498]

Thank you so much I've been so down snd lost.im having more moments of not feeling in a dream but some days are worse then.I try hard to keep my head up

 

[DharmaGirl]

The thing you have to remember is that adversity means growth. When you're ready, you can use all of this as a foundation for building a new part of yourself that is stronger and better than it was before.

No, I'm sorry, I have to disagree. This is a PTSD site, where the members have found that adversity leads to mental illness. Yes, you will build a new self after you have spent time healing, but using this as a foundation seems a bit absurd to me. Maybe I misunderstood. I know many of us here fight PTSD every day, and it takes all we have to survive. Will the OP be happy again? No one knows. I hope so and I'm sure she does, but saying stuff like that is misleading and can cause people to feel like they are not getting better when they aren't happy, which isn't true.

I know I wrote alot I just wanted to vent all I want is reassurance that I'm not stuck like this forever.somedays I feel like nothing has happened other days I feel like my entire life collapsed in a matter of 6 months including my sanity.

It does get better. It can take a long, long time before it does. You are taking the right steps but it gets worse before it gets better. I know you want positivity, but the reality is that you have to work hard at it with your therapist, and you will get better. I think the repetitive thoughts will go away more quickly, but most people have to stabilize, learn grounding and other tools to help with the symptoms, then work through the trauma while using all those tools to help themselves. That works. When I learned how to use my tools and started working on my traumas, I didn't build a new self from the base of the traumas, I built a new self from meditating, and finding out what I liked to do, who I wanted to be, and what would give meaning to my life. I'm still working on it and my life is growing into what I want it to be. You will find a lot of support here, and I hope I haven't sounded like an evil person, it's just that having PTSD is worse than having cancer, and I've had both.

 

[Kaylove498]

I don't think your evil at all I rather know the truth and the reality of things I've had friends tell me I'll be fine.That this is a learning experience and I still find myself feeling trapped in a mental state that I don't understand.

I've at times questioned my can't I just completely lose it because it feels like I have but some how some way I'm still in reality.The physically symptoms have ruined me I get fearful of even walking half the time and other times I just lay in bed and question everything around me including myself.I blame myself alot I knew I shouldn't have taken on what I did but I thought at the moment I could handle it.I guess in the moment I did until my mind finally said it was enough.I have hope to get better but it sincerely tears me apart that just six months ago I was happy and fun and goofy to see now that I barely believe that I exist.

I use to be able to do anything go off with friends,drive,work and now I can't do anything my hands don't feel real my body feels detached completely from me.i regret alot of things and some nights cry that maybe if I was 18 again and took a different path I'd be okay right now.Itd devestating and all I want is to be better.

I push as hard as I can but at this point I know there is no going back.I feel stuck on replay or auto pilot.

 

[Ronin]

Zoloft. :shifty: :bored:

That medication is so known for cutting off emotions it's even made it a subject of jokes.

Definitely not you, or forever.

 

[Kaylove498]

I'm gonna talk to my therapist Tuesday I've only been on it a few days and physically I feel odd. Like I'm not existing at all and I started grinding my teeth now for two days. My body also feels numb and not my usual numb like my body is almost irritating me that it's attached to me. I know that sounds horrible

I debated even taking it tonight but I don't want to just give up like I've done with other meds in the past.

Also I've felt more irritable in general like I'm frustrated with myself and physically feel irritable

 

[Ronin]

I think it may be too soon to know but nah, wouldn't discontinue this early >>

Can you run all of this past the prescribing psychiatrist? To figure out how to deal with new/intensified or changed style of old feelings... and how much of it is the meds vs other stuff going on right now?

 

[Kaylove498]

Yeah that's who I'll be speaking with next Friday.

 

[Ronin]

Good good :tup:

Really hoping you can hang on fine till then, even if the week seems long.

I don't think you messed your life up by choices at eighteen, I mean, you were eighteen... what 18 yo knows right how to deal with life? It's a bit too soon to have that kind of experience, no matter how much you've dealt with TO that point.

And if you dealt with a lot, younger, it's just the *more* reasons to not blame yourself for not working out choices. Because you made the hard ones to that point - and shouldn't have *had* to.

 

[Kaylove498]

I appreciate that alot.I am gonna talk with them Friday and I'm gonna continue taken the meds until then atleast.I know it's to early to really tell.i just wish I could get it my head that I really am physically okay.