Sexual Assault does being triggered ever stop completely?

[Strangelongtrip]

I feel like this is both good and bad. I've gotten so much better, in that I can control my reactions to a triggering event surrounding rape/abuse/sexual assault. I don't fly off the handle anymore like I used to if conversation sways that way. I try to keep my opinions to myself to keep from triggering myself. But I still have things that make me have bad anxiety and panic attacks. I'm I guess two years gone from the last time someone assaulted me? Maybe close to three years. I'm not repeating patterns I was before (attracted to pushy people, attempt to "get sex over with" in order to not be assaulted which like...I didn't want that either), but I'm also not choosing anyone to get close enough to to have sex with. I have first dates and that's it. I don't date people. Every time I try I panic and push them away.

Recently with the death of yet another famous person who's also a rapist (and beloved...fun, love seeing them over every feed I have), I feel trapped again. I've been having panic attacks around people, ESPECIALLY in public or crowded venues. I'm having at least one panic attack a day now. I do my breathing exercises and I recover instead of running out and hyperventilating in a bathroom or the street (aka, my entire traditional college career). I can still sleep, which is good. I have healthy dreams. I just don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. And I'm so scared of being re-traumatized I doubt I'll ever have sex again. It doesn't seem possible to be in a relationship with sex for me. I got a book called the sexual healing journey but it feels a bit...anti-what-my-gender-and-sexual-orientation is. I could never get into it and I really have no desire to have sex again. I've never liked it but I've almost never been sober for it and I also felt forced most times. I just feel a little hopeless, like I need to withdraw from the world again. I've been pushing against the avoidance and panic by forcing myself out but that's not helping either. But if I just stay at home and do nothing I feel terrible too.

Another thing I'm thinking about....can you be a rapist and not a terrible person? Can that be a mistake you made? That terrifies me more than anything. I know most rapists are repeat offenders, and I know for a fact my abuser and the first person who raped me did it again because his next girlfriend contacted me. It's just like, can it be something you don't intend? I've had someone do something they didn't intend to do because of drugs and alcohol. I've had someone sexually assault me who was blackout drunk but the thing is, he felt guilty about it (but he was a crap human in other ways and now...a bouncer at a local bar so that's....effing fantastic...but he was also a good person).

I'm just not having a good time right now.

 

[somerandomguy]

Hey @Strangelongtrip, I'm sorry you're struggling right now, but I'm glad that you've got a lot of your trigger reactions under control. That's a really important step. The good news is that it will get easier and easier the more you practice and the more strategies you learn to recognize when you might get triggered and learn to talk back to it. Some of my worst triggers once upon a time rarely bother me anymore, and I'm able to avoid doing things that I know will trigger me.

I am NOT a fan of the book you describe. There are other books, but none of them takes the place of working with a qualified trauma therapist.

It's ok to be in the situation you are right now regarding sex. It's ok not to push yourself. It's smart to take it off the table if you can't handle it. It's possible that someday you'll want to have a healthy sexual relationship, but you don't have to worry about that right now.

Another thing I'm thinking about....can you be a rapist and not a terrible person?

It's a good question. I suppose anyone has the potential to change, if they really want to. But I also think that most rapists didn't think they even did anything wrong. So, yes, I think that almost all rapists are terrible people.

Can that be a mistake you made?

Rape is never a mistake. Rape is a choice. Always. Every time.

 

[Friday]

Another thing I'm thinking about....can you be a rapist and not a terrible person?

Absolutely.

I’ve been gang raped by boys/men who had as little choice in being there as I did. If they’d balked, much less refused? They’d have been shot. Or worse. A few of them I’d rather like to meet under different circumstances. Feel damn bad for them, they were in a far worse position than I was. And 1 or 2 I’d rather like to sleep with, under different circumstances. :sneaky: Just because I think we’d get on. Or maybe just have coffee. But if I’m being honest I’d rather take them to bed. Most I don’t really feel anything about, they were there & I was there. I don’t feel any differently about the ones who went through the motions (couldn’t get it up) as the ones who could at least take some pleasure from my body. At the time I felt worse for the ones who couldn’t, but I’ve learned better since then. For all I know they feel betrayed by their own bodies, and were far more miserable than I was. I can’t speak to them, although I’ve been friends with plenty of guys who have rape in their repertoire, so I know it can get complicated as f*ck. And then there’s a couple few I’d cheerfully take the nightmares to kill slowly, as well as the one’s I’d kill clean. Shrug.

Now, is this the norm? Nah. At least not in this part of the world, although in other parts, probably. Most rape is about power... in that time and place? Doubly so. We all stood to lose our lives.

Next answer needs a different post.

 

[Friday]

Does being triggered ever stop completely?

In my experience Yes/No.

No... if I haven’t processed that trauma.
Yes... if I have

Yes/No... I can blunt individual triggers/stressors (exposure therapy) down to having absolutely zip zero nada no response to them -unless- I’m either surprised by them, or have new trauma that’s kicked all my unprocessed trauma into the field of play. Sigh. That was a major pain in the ass. And highlights why sorting the root cause is sooooo much more effective than going after symptoms one by one.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Strangelongtrip, I too have wondered if rapists can still be good people. I think they are good people to some. Like my college rapist told me I was in a certain “category” of girl that somehow wanted it. I’m guessing if I was in his other “category” he would have respected me? My child rapist... I recently saw him in a picture walking his daughter down the isle. They both had big happy smiles. Maybe he was a good person to her. He also was a college professor with a nice article written about him and decent student reviews. A professor I had in college was really nice and hospitable, he’s now in jail on child porn charges. I have a family member in prison for molesting his daughter. A certain recently deceased athlete is being celebrated and mourned, but to the person whom he may have raped, he’s probably not so good. I’m glad that I believe in a higher power, that releases me of the stress of trying to figure it out.

The triggers. They lesson as you work on them. Reactions become less intense. The worst ones are the ones that blindside you.

 

[Mee]

I think that good / bad people is too reductive. I have done stuff I am not proud of . Yet I am also constantly trying not to. So which am I? I think we are very few of us either good or bad. I wish I felt it was simpler. It would make the situations such as are triggering you ( and me) publically easier.

I think for two years down the line it sounds like you are doing really well. Being self aware, being social , not putting yourself through sex because it’s ‘expected’ by yourself to be healthy. Maybe part of making a next step is redefining what is involved in moving forward for you? Under what conditions second dates might happen? Whether you want more security than you had in the past before physical contact? Try a few different circumstances on in your head for size maybe?

 

[Ronin]

I think there's a difference between a rapist, as in commited the act(s) of rape...

And rapist, as in mindset, who committed the act(s) of rape. Or didn't, but wants to hard / all the time.

The first? Can be stellar people.
The second? Not so much. Even if they didn't *do* anything. Yet.

//

Or, war, crime, working & living in & having others entangled in, gets complicated and murky as f*ck.

Base nature choicy douchebags are whole another rotten eggpile.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

It's ok to be in the situation you are right now regarding sex. It's ok not to push yourself. It's smart to take it off the table if you can't handle it. It's possible that someday you'll want to have a healthy sexual relationship, but you don't have to worry about that right now.

Thank you @somerandomguy I think I'm going to take a step back!!

Rape is never a mistake. Rape is a choice. Always. Every time.

I told myself last night because I was panicking lying in bed over and over that "it's not my fault" and "I was a victim" and that calmed me down a bit, just to process that. My therapist can be kind of new age of like "we choose our own path" and while I believe that without these experiences I wouldn't be as awesome as I am today ? I also feel like the whole choose your path thing is victim blaming. He doesn't think that, he's talking in some metaphysical land but honestly? I'm effin' sick of that.

Now, is this the norm? Nah. At least not in this part of the world, although in other parts, probably. Most rape is about power... in that time and place? Doubly so. We all stood to lose our lives.

@Friday you've given me a lot to think about.

No... if I haven’t processed that trauma.
Yes... if I have

I guess I just feel like what else do I do?? What else can I do at this point I haven't done already? I think maybe my T thinks I'm further along than I am because I had a period of like a few months where I was symptom free. The past month I've taken 5 steps back. I know I'd probably have to revisit and really look at the sexual assaults but I'm at a point where I just want to forget. I don't want to think about it I've been working on it for four almost five years (and then more happened between there). I don't want it to be part of me anymore. I don't want to think about it anymore I just want it over with. I'm sick of it.

A certain recently deceased athlete is being celebrated and mourned, but to the person whom he may have raped, he’s probably not so good. I’m glad that I believe in a higher power, that releases me of the stress of trying to figure it out.

The triggers. They lesson as you work on them. Reactions become less intense. The worst ones are the ones that blindside you.

That's the person I was saying was triggering me, no names but I'm just tired. One of the friends who assaulted me was a good person deep down. He was honestly nice and caring. But he had so much stuff he hadn't worked through. Same with another friend who assaulted my friend but not me.

I think that good / bad people is too reductive. I have done stuff I am not proud of . Yet I am also constantly trying not to. So which am I? I think we are very few of us either good or bad. I wish I felt it was simpler. It would make the situations such as are triggering you ( and me) publically easier.

There's a show that talks about that. That we're not good or bad we just do good or bad things. And the characters it shows make me feel a lot better about it because you can love these characters that have done bad things. It just scares me because if I can't label people as "safe" and "unsafe" how am I not going to be re-traumatized again? How am I not going to be abused again? How am I not going to be raped again?

Because I know now red flags, so like, I need to be able to take care of myself and not be abused again because it's my responsibility to stop people now. So I don't do anything, I keep people away, I don't let them be in a situation where they can abuse me or rape me, because that feels like control, even though it's like not living. I feel like maybe my T has messed me up a bit, not as bad as the first one but still pretty bad. Like I feel like it's all my fault sometimes because I "chose this path" or whatever the h*ll new age crystal bs he pulls.

Maybe part of making a next step is redefining what is involved in moving forward for you? Under what conditions second dates might happen? Whether you want more security than you had in the past before physical contact? Try a few different circumstances on in your head for size maybe?

I would definitely have to go slower with the next person I date. My thing is like also most of the people I talked to recently or went out on dates with I didn't really like that much either. They were nice people but they weren't for me. But I don't know what "for me" means or if it's just a way to get out of second dates. I want someone who's creative and allows a degree of freedom. I was in love, honestly will love her til I die but it was toxic. So now I think I associate love with bad unhealthy relationships because I loved her as person but she also had stuff she had to work through to be stable and secure. I don't know lol.

The first? Can be stellar people.
The second? Not so much. Even if they didn't *do* anything. Yet.

That division makes a lot of sense. I can spot a red flag from a mile away now and just sort of *feel* something dangerous when I'm not anxious but idk if that's just pre-programming from trauma. When I'm hyper-vigilant as I am now everyone is a threat.

 

[Ronin]

So look for green lights, not red, when everyone is a threat?

What signals someone may be just a regular joe. Not ignoring it if it's a pattern, but just one off remark, or one rape joke or using the word metaphorically (... gamers, man.) may not yet mean a risk.

Until it's clear(er) again who is what, and how much is your past superimposed on present and dunking down the future, alongside.

 

[somerandomguy]

I’ve been gang raped by boys/men who had as little choice in being there as I did.

Semantics, I know, but I would never call someone who was forced to sexually assault someone else a rapist. To me, they would be a rape victim, too.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

So look for green lights, not red, when everyone is a threat?

This is a good idea!! Thank you! I think I'm also getting nervous because I'm in my safe place at home and I'm about to move a thousand miles away.

 

[Mee]

You also ask ‘what else can I do?’ I think besides the traumatic experiences we are overcoming a lifetime of programming. We talk about other cultures indoctrination easily as if we have none- but their is a sort of ‘normality accept’ present in every culture . I found the article ‘sometimes you make your rapist breakfast’ my Marissa Korbel incredibly breakthrough ( I since went on to make contact with the writer) on this concept of our performative norms.
This considered it’s a lot to deprocess. A continuing lifetime effort even? That’s why I think you are doing well