I've recently been dumped by my partner of 3+ years. He was the first person I ever actually let into my heart, and I thought, hell we both thought, we were each others forever. But about a month ago he broke up with me, and openly admitted that the reason was that he couldn't cope emotionally with my CPTSD, and the pretty severe anxiety and depression that comes with.
Which sucks, especially considering that at the time I was doing all the right things, taking meds, seeing a shrink, keeping to a good schedule.
By every metric possible I was doing better every day that I was the last. But it wasn't enough to save the relationship.
Apparently he can brave a battle field (he's in the army) but I'm too much effort, even at my best.
Ever since the breakup I've been a mess. All I really want out of life is to find someone to love and be loved with, and maybe even be a mother. But I feel like with my illness none of that will ever be possible. I had to stop taking most of my meds because they weren't helping with the depression, even with the max possible dosage.
And because I've moved (we were living together at his house) I've had to stop seeing my therapist. And I haven't summoned up the energy to find a new one yet, it took me 6 months to find the last one, and its incredibly emotionally taxing. Honestly I feel like I've lost the will to live.
Logically I know break ups suck, hell I've had plenty of them before this. But this is worse somehow. I'm never going to not have CPTSD. I might not always be quite do depressed and anxious, but I suspect I'll always be prone to bouts of both. If he couldn't cope with my illness, and neither can any of my friends, or my own damn family.... what's the point. Honestly I think I'd rather that my partner murdered me than left me. Because the realization that nobody can get close to me without burning out and either giving up on me entirely or needing space is a fate worse than death.
I'm really hoping somebody here might have some insight on how this feels.
Which sucks, especially considering that at the time I was doing all the right things, taking meds, seeing a shrink, keeping to a good schedule.
By every metric possible I was doing better every day that I was the last. But it wasn't enough to save the relationship.
Apparently he can brave a battle field (he's in the army) but I'm too much effort, even at my best.
Ever since the breakup I've been a mess. All I really want out of life is to find someone to love and be loved with, and maybe even be a mother. But I feel like with my illness none of that will ever be possible. I had to stop taking most of my meds because they weren't helping with the depression, even with the max possible dosage.
And because I've moved (we were living together at his house) I've had to stop seeing my therapist. And I haven't summoned up the energy to find a new one yet, it took me 6 months to find the last one, and its incredibly emotionally taxing. Honestly I feel like I've lost the will to live.
Logically I know break ups suck, hell I've had plenty of them before this. But this is worse somehow. I'm never going to not have CPTSD. I might not always be quite do depressed and anxious, but I suspect I'll always be prone to bouts of both. If he couldn't cope with my illness, and neither can any of my friends, or my own damn family.... what's the point. Honestly I think I'd rather that my partner murdered me than left me. Because the realization that nobody can get close to me without burning out and either giving up on me entirely or needing space is a fate worse than death.
I'm really hoping somebody here might have some insight on how this feels.