Childhood How long did your "crisis" state last, once you started having flashbacks and nightmares of the CSA?

[Wonder Woman]

@Wonder Woman I could have written your post myself. I seem to go in and out of being able to cope good enough to not being able to cope at all. I have been in therapy a long time. Maybe 10 years. Been working on the CSA the last 4-ish. I have the body memories which are painful and make me feel bad. They are overwhelming at times. I don't sleep really at all. Its hard. I am really sorry and I hope you are able to find a coping skill that works.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Are finding that therapy is helping you? I only ask, because I've been in therapy off and on for over 20 years, with various professionals. For me though, this time feels different. As though I might actually get some real help. I think the biggest difference is the psychologist I am working with this time around. She has never made me feel judged, or invalidated; and though it's taken years, I am actually feeling my feelings and I'm able to cry. In a nutshell, it took me years, but I am now able to trust her enough to open my old wounds.

Also, it seems to me that this body memory stuff is a difficulty many of us who've experienced CSA are having. I have looked online to see if I can find helpful ideas, but all I have found are a variety of breathing and relaxation exercises/techniques.

I contacted my psychologist and she suggested taking a soak in a warm bath.

The sensations vary throughout the day/night. However, for the past month I feel (at the very minimum) as though I were just raped. I have that sore, swollen feeling and it burns, too. At its wost, I feel as though the rape in actively happening in the here and now; this tends to happen at night, but today it happened just after lunch.

With so many of us experiencing these types of body memories, I would think there would be some studies conducted to figure-out how to combat them.

Interestingly, while searching for helpful ideas, I came across several articles about something called persistent genital arousal (PGA). It seems to be a condition that may be more common among women who have experienced CSA. Again, relaxation techniques were discussed. Also, muscle relaxers, anti-anxiety medications, and antidepressants were said to help some.

I am throwing all if this information out there, just in case it could possibly help someone else.

I hope you are able to get to a place where this is no longer an issue. I pray you find healing and peace.

 

[Rumors]

Are finding that therapy is helping you?

Yes but only when I yield to it and allow it to work. I find myself running the other direction at times.

I am actually feeling my feelings and I'm able to cry. In a nutshell, it took me years, but I am now able to trust her enough to open my old wounds.

The key to finding the end I think is being able to allow those feelings and deal with them instead of pushing them away. I find it hardest when I don't sleep and am in the midst of having a shit ton of memories. Im sorry that you are going through this. I don't have advice but I will send you good thoughts and hope you are able to find something that works.

 

[Mach123]

This is a good question.

It unfolded slowly. Like it started growing in me and I couldn't stop it.

Then it was just like a ten year mental breakdown. Drugs and suicidal intentions.
I had no idea what was going on really.

I was.still yelling help. Since I couldn't tell anyone though, no one knew what was wrong. Then some one told me that I had trauma from CSA.

I'm not suicidally depressed anymore so the crisis stage is past but life around me remains in that end of the world State current situation excluded no pun intended.

So ive been able to tread water. Sometimes it's ok sometimes it's not ok. It rarely rises to the level of an incedent or episode and I hope I can maintain it (no prescription meds)

 

[Wonder Woman]

Yes but only when I yield to it and allow it to work. I find myself running the other direction at times.

The key to finding the end I think is being able to allow those feelings and deal with them instead of pushing them away. I find it hardest when I don't sleep and am in the midst of having a shit ton of memories. Im sorry that you are going through this. I don't have advice but I will send you good thoughts and hope you are able to find something that works.

Thank you for responding. You are so right, it only works when you're open to the process. I know for me that first entailed getting to the point where I trusted my psychologist. To say I have trust issues is a huge understatement.

That is exactly where I am: unable to sleep and reliving awful, painful, traumatic memories. I just feel like one gigantic open wound.

Plus, I'm coming to terms with the fact that what my parents put me through was abuse. My whole life, whenever a therapist would try to point out my parents' abusive behavior, I would immediately defend them and insist on why I had deserved it or minimized it or what have you. Something, after all these years has just dawned on me, and I am able to see things clearly. (Took me long enough.)

I was searching posts and I came across the name of this medication: Prazosin. War veterans were saying it help with their PTSD nightmares. It is technically a medicine to lower blood pressure, but apparently in low doses it helps with nightmares and possibly flashbacks. I don't really have a good track record with any of the psych meds; no benefit and terrible side effects, but I'm going to ask my doctor about his thoughts on this medication. I put it out here, in case it might be an option for you, and others.

 

[Wonder Woman]

This is a good question.

It unfolded slowly. Like it started growing in me and I couldn't stop it.

Then it was just like a ten year mental breakdown. Drugs and suicidal intentions.
I had no idea what was going on really.

I was.still yelling help. Since I couldn't tell anyone though, no one knew what was wrong. Then some one told me that I had trauma from CSA.

I'm not suicidally depressed anymore so the crisis stage is past but life around me remains in that end of the world State current situation excluded no pun intended.

So ive been able to tread water. Sometimes it's ok sometimes it's not ok. It rarely rises to the level of an incedent or episode and I hope I can maintain it (no prescription meds)

Hi, Mach123. I like the way you worded things, "treading water." I pray someday soon you will be able swim freely.

Most of my life has been spent just getting through things. I would tell my self I just needed to get through the day, school semester, year, what have you and then things would somehow (magically, I guess) be better.

The brainwashing and abuse/neglect from my parents, combined with the CSA and rape just f*cked with my brain. I couldn't even recognize that what my parents had put me through was abusive and neglectful.

I've been thinking my parents' thoughts about me my entire life. I never questioned that maybe my parents might be wrong. It was always my fault. I had done something wrong, was too needy, didn't pay attention, didn't listen, disobeyed, didn't try hard enough, and on and on and on. I just accepted it.

The interesting thing is even though I saw my parents as right and myself as the problem, when I became a mother I determined to be nuturing, non-yelling, non-violent, non-critical, loving, caring, and showing healthy affection. Miracle of miracles, somehow I was able to be a good mother. It truly is the one thing I did not completely f*ck up. And in many ways, my son has saved my life. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He's grown now, but we still have a close relationship. Like most good moms, I feel like I don't see him enough, but he has a good job, close friends, dates, and goes to school so he only has so much time. We talk every day, even if only a few minutes.

It's funny, though, sometimes I'll worry I wasn't a good mom. Mainly, because I'm such a mess otherwise. So I'll ask my son, and he says I was definitely a good mom. He said he always knew he could come to me, that I loved him, and would help him. So that was reassuring.

Sorry, I got a bit off topic. Lack of sleep will do that. At least I wasn't talking about my childhood dream of having a unicorn farm. ?

 

[EveHarrington]

A few years, IIRC.

 

[Wonder Woman]

A few years, IIRC.

Heaven help me. I don't think I can endure a few years of this. The lack of sleep alone would probably kill me.

I am hoping you mean a few years until you felt completely stable.

 

[somerandomguy]

I am hoping you mean a few years until you felt completely stable.

A quick note - stability is not something for which we should expect permanence. To do so will result in disappointment.

PTSD is very cyclical. Sometimes we do great. Sometimes we don't do so great. But the key is to realize when we're not doing so great and take steps to mitigate it.

 

[Wonder Woman]

A quick note - stability is not something for which we should expect permanence. To do so will result in disappointment.

PTSD is very cyclical. Sometimes we do great. Sometimes we don't do so great. But the key is to realize when we're not doing so great and take steps to mitigate it.

Hi, somerandomguy. Thank you for the healthy dose of reality.

I'm really struggling right now. Not sleeping. Reliving the worst events of my life. Crying. Feeling overwhelmed. Basically a complete mess.

So when I think about stability, it might be a little different from what you consider stability. Maybe not; I'm not sure.

By stable, I mean able to sleep 4 or 5 hours per night; able to eat more than one small meal a day, able to shower without the intense compulsion to scrub the heck out of my privates, able to feel like my life was not a complete waste. That kind of thing.

What does stability mean to you?

 

[somerandomguy]

I think most of us can still struggle with those things. Just because we've "stabilized" doesn't mean we're not drawn to doing one or some of those behaviors or thinking those thoughts, especially when we're stressed.

Is your therapist aware that you're struggling so much? Have you learned any grounding techniques?

 

[Wonder Woman]

I think most of us can still struggle with those things. Just because we've "stabilized" doesn't mean we're not drawn to doing one or some of those behaviors or thinking those thoughts, especially when we're stressed.

Is your therapist aware that you're struggling so much? Have you learned any grounding techniques?

Yes, the psychologist I am seeing is aware. She advised me to contact my psychiatrist about medication, which I finally did today. (Still waiting to hear back from him, though). I've had such terrible experiences with psych meds, that I was a little more than hesitant.

Right now I take Xanax, but I've built up such a tolerance and my curent dose is so high that I might as well be taking Tic-Tacs at this point. Plus, the rebounding anxiety is hell right now, not that I didn't already have extreme anxiety.

Yes, I also use the grounding techniques my psychologist has taught me. Feel my back against my chair, notice any tension in my body, take deep breaths in/long slow breaths out, tell myself where I am right now/safe at home, tell myself I am no longer a child, go on my back porch watch the birds and the trees sway in the wind, and all that jazz.

Unfortunately, the problem isn't with the intellectual part of my brain. I know lots of helpful things, but somehow there is this huge chasm between what I know and what I am experiencing, feeling, and sensing. I'm not sure if I explained that well. Hopefully, you understand what I mean.

 

[Fahrenheit451]

Hi Wonder Woman.
My own trauma was a result of 32 years as a firefighter. And it wasn’t until I retired that the world caved in on me. The nightmares and the flashbacks became debilitating to the point that I was about done. Finding a psychologist that I fully trusted was the first step. But it wasn’t until I started EMDR sessions that things began to change for the better. Maybe talk to your psychologist to see if they think it will work for you.