Childhood How long did your "crisis" state last, once you started having flashbacks and nightmares of the CSA?

[Ronin]

Try Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That?

Because while not preparing for everything / type of abusers, has major types & headf*ckery down fairly well.

And stick around these forums and read around a lot.
Both sufferers *and* supporters section.
As supporters happen by abusive pricks about as often as sufferers here, and deal with major red flags & grey zones & boundary violations that are not quite abuse but definitely low blow, too.

Isn't the world being dangerous & you powerless to act in it.
Is you needing tools to better navigate it and better backup if tools are insufficient.

Both very very helpable.

 

[Friday]

And doomed. The world may be a safe place for most, but for some reason it isn't safe for me.

Do you really believe that? That the world is a safe place for anyone?

I’m always just sort of fascinated by that concept.

Personally, I don’t believe the world is a safe place, full stop. We simply learn how to navigate around the dangers when we can, and to deal with them when we can’t, or are surprised by them.

If the world wasn’t a dangerous place we wouldn’t need clothes and houses to protect us from the weather, food stores to protect us from starving, medicines to protect use from illness & injuries, weapons to protect us from predators, and friends & allies to protect us from each other.

There’s a place in the middle between oblivious to the dangers all around us, and afraid of the dangers all around us. It’s being aware of the risk, & having the self confidence to know you can handle come what may.

Everyone gets scared, sometimes. And eveyone gets blindsided, sometimes. Neither is a reason to live in fear, or glorify ignorance, ya know? Knowing there’s danger, doesn’t mean you have to be afraid of it. Nor does being afraid mean that you have to stay afraid. Fear let’s us know there’s danger, but beyond being an early warning system? It’s largely useless & just gets in the way. Fear is a tool to use, not a shelter to live under, IMO.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Try Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That?

Because while not preparing for everything / type of abusers, has major types & headf*ckery down fairly well.

And stick around these forums and read around a lot.
Both sufferers *and* supporters section.
As supporters happen by abusive pricks about as often as sufferers here, and deal with major red flags & grey zones & boundary violations that are not quite abuse but definitely low blow, too.

Isn't the world being dangerous & you powerless to act in it.
Is you needing tools to better navigate it and better backup if tools are insufficient.

Both very very helpable.

Hi, Ronin. You are very kind with your suggestions, which are good suggestions to be sure.

But I've been studying this stuff since I graduated high school. I've presented at conferences. (God, I pray none of my colleagues read this and figure me out). I've got the head knowledge, and the degree that means I know better. And I've helped many children during the course of my career. I've even had people contact me as adults thanking me, and telling me how well they are doing. But I can't seem to help myself.

I know what to look for, but I don't see it, until stuff is very, often life-threateningly, bad. The attack always catches me by surprise. I don't see it coming. The offenders have been doctors, psychologists, clergy, teachers, social workers, firefighters, and police officers. These were not men I dated, either. Most were colleagues; some were people I went to for help.

So, this why I'm thinking I might actually be evil and the cause of all this sh*t.

I can help others, but I can't seem to help myself.

Part of the reason I left work to take care my junk, is because the harassment was starting to get dangerous, and I feared impending violence. My co-worker had pinned me against a bookcase, and I froze. My co-worker chose to let me go, but I left shaking, knowing next time worse would happen.

My psychologist had been encouraging me to take a leave of absence, because my caseload was more than double the legal guidelines and she feared I was going to burnt-out. It wasn't until recently that I even told her about the most recent harassment, because I'm so ashamed.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Do you really believe that? That the world is a safe place for anyone?

I’m always just sort of fascinated by that concept.

Personally, I don’t believe the world is a safe place, full stop. We simply learn how to navigate around the dangers when we can, and to deal with them when we can’t, or are surprised by them.

If the world wasn’t a dangerous place we wouldn’t need clothes and houses to protect us from the weather, food stores to protect us from starving, medicines to protect use from illness & injuries, weapons to protect us from predators, and friends & allies to protect us from each other.

There’s a place in the middle between oblivious to the dangers all around us, and afraid of the dangers all around us. It’s being aware of the risk, & having the self confidence to know you can handle come what may.

Everyone gets scared, sometimes. And eveyone gets blindsided, sometimes. Neither is a reason to live in fear, or glorify ignorance, ya know? Knowing there’s danger, doesn’t mean you have to be afraid of it. Nor does being afraid mean that you have to stay afraid. Fear let’s us know there’s danger, but beyond being an early warning system? It’s largely useless & just gets in the way. Fear is a tool to use, not a shelter to live under, IMO.

Yes. I think for most people, the majority of the time, the world is a safe place.

I feel as though all of the abuse and violence inflicted upon me as a child either damaged my brain so badly, or I'm simply evil, that I'm beyond help.

 

[Ronin]

Not meant sarcastically...

But if you believe you can't / won't spot warning signs?

You won't be.
Because you're training your mind, over and over, to not pay attention to them, much less analyze and act on the input.

You need to move what you believe about your capabilities, first.

As that belief you can't protect yourself is not accurate.
That you were victimized multiple times doesn't prove its accuracy.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Not meant sarcastically...

But if you believe you can't / won't spot warning signs?

You won't be.
Because you're training your mind, over and over, to not pay attention to them, much less analyze and act on the input.

You need to move what you believe about your capabilities, first.

As that belief you can't protect yourself is not accurate.
That you were victimized multiple times doesn't prove its accuracy.

Yeah, I get that too. There's so much junk. That's why my psychologist is helping me to unload it all first, and process it.

Deep-down I know it keeps happening because on some level I feel I deserve it. Even though I know, I don't. Again my intellectual mind knows the truth. But I can't convert that to belief, yet.

All the abuse on top of abuse, and then my own poor decisions have me feeling lost. I know I needed to stop working, and take care of my own traumas, but now that I'm here... I feel lost.

I have stuffed my feelings for so long that they are overwhelming me.

 

[Ronin]

No, it doesn't keep happening because of your beliefs.

It happens because they are people who make shit choices.

 

[Wonder Woman]

No, it doesn't keep happening because of your beliefs.

It happens because they are people who make shit choices.

Yes, that's true, too. Thanks, Ronin. They aren't mutually exclusive, though.

I do know that I don't want to be abused, or like it, or any of that kind of thing, because I don't stick around for more violence. I leave, but it's always after something has happened.

When I do get those creepy feelings, I listen to them. I didn't when I was younger.

But harassment at work is tricky, because I love what I do (did), and usually I only left when it got physical. And all of the assaults involving colleagues came out of left field.

I am perceived as vulnerable, that much is for sure. I'm just not sure why. I mean, probably with my colleagues, they see my perfectionist, workaholic tendencies. Then, also know that I bend over backwards to help others. So, maybe, because I have a difficult time setting boundaries at work, maybe they take a chance. I'm just spit-ballin' here.

Really, it's probably a tangled, tumbleweed of factors. That's what makes it so difficult.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Also, I freeze. I do it, because as a child three types of senerios took place:

1. brutal, over-powering violence = nervous system deploys freeze reponse (play-dead) to save your life.

2. I was groomed - rewarded for being still (not wiggling), and cooperating with my abusers.

3. I was oblivious I was being abused, well, this goes hand in hand with #2 really. (I knew I didn't like it initially, but I was rewarded for cooperating, so eventually I convinced myself to believe what my abused wanted me to believe).

Over a decade ago, I committed myself to get in peak physical shape. I took self-defense classes, too. I got super strong. I was confident no one could mess with me. But when I needed, I just froze.

I even tried to learn some techniques designed to over-ride the freeze reponse, but ultimately decided I might need my body to freeze in order to keep me alive. (I was in a custody battle at the time with a sociopath rapist).

 

[Wonder Woman]

Update:

My sleep is getting better on the Prazosin. My psychiatrist increased the dose from 1 mg to 2mg. Nightmares are no longer a problem since starting the Prazosin.

Still struggling with horrible body memories, as well as being haunted by memories of CSA, rape, and other abusive junk.

I'm a big mess. Hoping it will all be worth it someday. Kinda beginning to wonder, at this point. I feel physically and emotionally drained.

I forgot (temporarily) how to start my car the other day. Now, my son is saying maybe I should stop driving for a while. Shouldn't have told him. Oh, well.

 

[Rumors]

But harassment at work is tricky, because I love what I do (did), and usually I only left when it got physical. And all of the assaults involving colleagues came out of left field.

I am perceived as vulnerable, that much is for sure. I'm just not sure why. I mean, probably with my colleagues, they see my perfectionist, workaholic tendencies. Then, also know that I bend over backwards to help others. So, maybe, because I have a difficult time setting boundaries at work, maybe they take a chance. I'm just spit-ballin' here.

Really, it's probably a tangled, tumbleweed of factors. That's what makes it so difficult.

I haven't read everything here and sometimes don't remember who I read what about so I apologize if I am asking something you have already posted about or I have already commented on. Can you say more about how things got physical at work? Your story above says the assault came out of left field. Can you say more about that? I have found that if I look at these things a little more closely there were probably signs beforehand that maybe I didn't see, chose not to see, or just blatantly ignored because I didn't want to see them.
Also, you said you were perceived as vulnerable? Who perceives you as vulnerable? What makes you think they see you as vulnerable specifically? You don't need to answer me on any of this, but perhaps just need to answer for yourself because the next sentence you say, "I'm just not sure why." I just want to challenge you on this thinking. First, its ok if you are vulnerable... hell, most of us are vulnerable at times. We SHOULD be vulnerable. Its the shitty people who take advantage of that vulnerability that suck, not us bc we chose to stick our neck out and be vulnerable with others. Being vulnerable is NOT a good reason for someone to take advantage of you.
I have no clue what you do for a living. It sounds as if you are in the mental health field so you know that you have to challenge yourself in your thinking. This isn't the secure rational adult thinking, this is the wounded abused kid thinking. Sucks... I do it a lot too. I am challenging myself to think differently and deal with all the abandonment that goes along with the negative unhealthy thinking styles I have. Its a lifetime of thinking one way so it doesn't come easily. Hang in there.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I haven't read everything here and sometimes don't remember who I read what about so I apologize if I am asking something you have already posted about or I have already commented on. Can you say more about how things got physical at work? Your story above says the assault came out of left field. Can you say more about that? I have found that if I look at these things a little more closely there were probably signs beforehand that maybe I didn't see, chose not to see, or just blatantly ignored because I didn't want to see them.
Also, you said you were perceived as vulnerable? Who perceives you as vulnerable? What makes you think they see you as vulnerable specifically? You don't need to answer me on any of this, but perhaps just need to answer for yourself because the next sentence you say, "I'm just not sure why." I just want to challenge you on this thinking. First, its ok if you are vulnerable... hell, most of us are vulnerable at times. We SHOULD be vulnerable. Its the shitty people who take advantage of that vulnerability that suck, not us bc we chose to stick our neck out and be vulnerable with others. Being vulnerable is NOT a good reason for someone to take advantage of you.
I have no clue what you do for a living. It sounds as if you are in the mental health field so you know that you have to challenge yourself in your thinking. This isn't the secure rational adult thinking, this is the wounded abused kid thinking. Sucks... I do it a lot too. I am challenging myself to think differently and deal with all the abandonment that goes along with the negative unhealthy thinking styles I have. Its a lifetime of thinking one way so it doesn't come easily. Hang in there.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Rumors.

You are spot on regarding these negative, self-defeating thinking patterns being a hold-over from childood.

Mostly, right now I'm simply too raw to even examine much of this, but I will come back later and try to analyze the work situations.

I will say this though, it's difficult to stand-up for yourself, when doing so only makes things worse. I've learned many crappy lessons along the way.

Just want to learn how to create a life that feels worth living, because right now I'm clinging to the thought the possibility exists. Not really sure if it's possible for me, even though people are saying it is... So, for now, that's enough.