Sensitive topic: understanding suicide and aftermath

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @grit , you are welcome. Yes there is the added issue of the shame (for some of us) after and also the trauma if you've actually survived near death (so they say).

Haven't heard that term @Freida but relate. i'd suspect if not an issue of emotional disregulation, +/ or impulse control, it's what is scratching below the surface, unrealized. The straw that breaks and too much pain. That I get.

Really @grit a lot of what they say, is if a person is cared about or for, connection kept up, less try again, even if they've tried before. (I think that's what they said, anyway.) Treated like a human being really, let alone having worth, value or dreams or resources.

 

[grit]

Non hypothetical answer - I cannot speak for others. ;) It's as simple as that.

And that sensitivity line went bit way over my head, as in not applicable. Of people I know that would reach to those measures to protect others these sensitivity issues and emotionality around them were *not* the issues on which people would be basing decisions. At all.

Sorry Ronin. I do not understand your comment here fully.

I am not asking you to speak for anyone. looking at it again, I think my old question was poorly designed. please disregard.
thank you.

 

[grit]

Interpersonal theory by Thomas Joiner (Wikipedia) for further thoughts on this: (thanks @Tinyflame), it seems these two areas are what maybe @Ronin and I were talking about earlier. thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness ....I had more feelings of "thwarted belonging" and my feelings results aggression against the person (my mother here) who did not give me or allow me to connect as a child. I do not recall personally having the feeling of burdensome but probably not and maybe why my suicide feelings stayed ideations rather than acting on them. I will use the hypothetical questions to myself! ?

 

[joeylittle]

I appreciate having a clear-eyed conversation on this topic, and am confident that members can respect the parameters in your OP, @grit - so, I've moved the thread out of General and into the Depression & Suicide forum.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @grit, I've experienced suicidal thoughts throughout my life. I suffer from mental illness. Ptsd and depression and anxiety. The trauma and humiliation (abuse) that I suffered became unbearable and I tried to kill myself with a knife in my parents house. I was going to stab myself in the chest. That's the closest I ever came to doing it. My dad burst in the door and started fighting me. The police were called and because I had a knife I was arrested and spent six months in prison.

it was a very scary episode in my life. That was the main event but I've had many fleeting moments throughout my life where i was suffering from suicidal thoughts. Sometimes imagining how my death would make others in my family feel (mainly my mum) stops me. I don't want to die but often feel too scared to live after what I've been through in my life. I was nearly murdered in a racial attack when i was younger. I don't have any advice but just wanted to share in your thread. I really needed help and support from people but wasn't getting any. That's why im so grateful that i found this PTSD site.

Kind regards to everyone, S3.

 

[grit]

@Survivor3
I am so happy you are here and I am so truly touched by you sharing your story. It is a painful place to be in the first place and no less pain to revisit and talk about it.

 

[grit]

Thanks @joeylittle for moving my post here appropriately.

I was trying to avoid taking space of empathy and understanding and make it about intellectual and philosophical sort of discussion about suicide. However, you are right, it is about suicide and should be under that section for good organizational purpose of the site.

Thank you again and it was timely.

 

[Survivor3]

@Survivor3
I am so happy you are here and I am so truly touched by you sharing your story. It is a painful place to be in the first place and no less pain to revisit and talk about it.

Thank you so much. Although it is painful to revisit those memories, it actually helps me to share and that I receive understanding from people on here. Thanks again.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Huh, maybe I am just a weirdo. After surviving suicide attempts (more then one) each time I am angry that I was alive. That it didn't work. And as that went into more then one, suriving again. And it took me into researching how to not survive it and even angrier that I survived even though I took measures to ensure I wouldn't again.

My dad used to keep me here and from trying again. How he'd feel after. But, since that relationship has broken down, that has left as a reason to hold on. So, what I do now is either distract, disocciate, and if that fails, put myself to sleep (not die, just to sleep) so that I can sleep past the suicidal thoughts. I can find nothing to keep me hold on today. Other then my service dog. Where would my service dog be? No one would find me until they start to smell me (sadly so true) and so where would my service dog be during that time? I have pretyped messages to my dad to alert him that I wont be here and needs to come get my service dog but then I cant seem to do that as asking my dad to come into a house where he knows im dead to get my service dog is cruel. So, maybe thats it. I dunno.

Depressing. Sorry. But honest. I cant find any gratefulness of being alive. Even when not suicidal.

 

[Survivor3]

Huh, maybe I am just a weirdo. After surviving suicide attempts (more then one) each time I am angry that I was alive. That it didn't work. And as that went into more then one, suriving again. And it took me into researching how to not survive it and even angrier that I survived even though I took measures to ensure I wouldn't again.

My dad used to keep me here and from trying again. How he'd feel after. But, since that relationship has broken down, that has left as a reason to hold on. So, what I do now is either distract, disocciate, and if that fails, put myself to sleep (not die, just to sleep) so that I can sleep past the suicidal thoughts. I can find nothing to keep me hold on today. Other then my service dog. Where would my service dog be? No one would find me until they start to smell me (sadly so true) and so where would my service dog be during that time? I have pretyped messages to my dad to alert him that I wont be here and needs to come get my service dog but then I cant seem to do that as asking my dad to come into a house where he knows im dead to get my service dog is cruel. So, maybe thats it. I dunno.

Depressing. Sorry. But honest. I cant find any gratefulness of being alive. Even when not suicidal.

I can understand that sense of hopelessness. It's a good thing that you have your service dog. A companion to help you get through the bad times. I'm sorry you feel that way. All the best to you. S3.

 

[grit]

Huh, maybe I am just a weirdo. After surviving suicide attempts (more then one) each time I am angry that I was alive. That it didn't work. And as that went into more then one, suriving again. And it took me into researching how to not survive it and even angrier that I survived even though I took measures to ensure I wouldn't again.

My dad used to keep me here and from trying again. How he'd feel after. But, since that relationship has broken down, that has left as a reason to hold on. So, what I do now is either distract, disocciate, and if that fails, put myself to sleep (not die, just to sleep) so that I can sleep past the suicidal thoughts. I can find nothing to keep me hold on today. Other then my service dog. Where would my service dog be? No one would find me until they start to smell me (sadly so true) and so where would my service dog be during that time? I have pretyped messages to my dad to alert him that I wont be here and needs to come get my service dog but then I cant seem to do that as asking my dad to come into a house where he knows im dead to get my service dog is cruel. So, maybe thats it. I dunno.

Depressing. Sorry. But honest. I cant find any gratefulness of being alive. Even when not suicidal.

I think that is enough - your feeling as it is as you wrote this post. And what was I trying to understand was how do we make a story out of ideation, attempts and all suicidal related thoughts, feelings and experiences. I made mine about being gratefulness and it seems like you made yours about your loving dog even though it sounded like a side comment...so different stories but same result that we both here.
I want to acknowledge your pain and the experience you had and yet your dog is a constant thought in your head even in the darkest moment...both your feelings and thoughts are powerful.

I so much appreciate you shared.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I've never attempted suicide, but I have seriously considered it. Ultimately, I couldn't do that to my son. He has saved my life on numerous occasions. He is the last person I would ever want to cause pain. And though I know he is more than capable of living without me (he's an adult), I know if I gave-up like that it would harm him too much. I wouldn't want to put him through that kind of pain.

So, yeah I live in my own private hell on earth, because I love my son. People say they'd take a bullet for their children. I would too in a heartbeat, but I'd also keep living for my son.