Undiagnosed Relapse after lockdown, fight or flight mode most of the day

[WarOfRoses]

Just saying hello and introducing myself.

I went through a pretty bad trauma about a year ago and haven't been able to shake it.

I wake thinking about it, struggle to get through the day then go to bed at night thinking about it.

No official diagnosis but I'm definitely in a fight or flight mode most of the day. I find it exhausting and just want to veg out after doing anything then fall asleep for half an hour here and there. I wake around 5/6am each morning. I don't suffer any nightmares though.

I find my self on edge and get very frustrated with myself that after such a long time I'm still playing the record over and over in my head which is driving me mad. I also have constant thought of revenge which I'll make a separate thread about.

My last relapse has come after being locked down.

Anyway. I've been having a read through and you all seem very kind and supportive.

Thank you

 

[Wonder Woman]

Hi, WarOfRoses.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I'm glad you are here, looking for support.

Most traumatic events never fully leave us. So, to be having a difficult time after one year is not surprising. I know it's difficult, but try to resist the urge to put a timeline on your progress with healing.

Being on edge is understandable. The constant state of being on-guard all the time is exhausting. And it's difficult to sleep when we are in that guarded state.

When someone intentionally causes us harm, it's only natural to have feelings of wanting revenge. I carefully planned how I would exact revenge on one of the men who raped me. I planned every detail. I didn't go through with it. I just needed to know in my heart of hearts that I had the power to hurt him as much as he had hurt me. Ultimately, I decided he wasn’t going to turn me into a monster. I was better than that, and going through with my plotted revenge would only mean I was like him. And I didn't want to be anything like him.

Everything you are describing, I've experienced, too. Some of it I still face.

You are not alone. Many of us here are familiar with these feelings.

You say you have no official PTSD diagnosis. I hope that means you are working with a mental health professional. If not, it might be helpful to consider looking for one with training and experience helping people who have gone through traumas similar to you own.

I am sending safe hugs. ?

 

[WarOfRoses]

Hello Wonder Woman and thanks for the reply.

No I'm not in therapy as yet. I'm resisting it at the moment. It would be a good idea as I have suffered a few harsh traumas throughout my life and was brought up by a very controlling and abusive father.

I also have a very sensitive personality. Things that others seem to shrug off affect me very deeply.

This last trauma was catastrophic to my mental stability and has thrown me in a dark place where I can't see any light at the end.

What is it with these people??. You go through life thinking that if you are nice to people they are nice in return. You soon discover there are monsters lurking in the shadows who get some sick pleasure in hurting others as much as possible.

Do they know that this sick little fleeting pleasure of their's causes such damage to their victims?.

Or is their life so crappy that they have to drag you down the dark well of misery to suffer with them!?. I've never understood it.

Oh well, "life is suffering" I guess..

 

[Wonder Woman]

I began to cry, as I read your post. I feel as though I could have written it myself.

My heart goes out to you.

I wish I had answers for you. Like you, I used to think if I were kind and generous with others, they would be the same with me. Unfortunately, there are some in this world who chose to inflict pain on others, and exploit our vulnerabilities.

Abuse in childhood, if not processed, invariably leads to retraumatization. When we don't get the nurturing we need in childhood, we desparately crave it as adults. This leaves us open to those who would mistreat us.

Know that those who abuse others are aware of what they are doing, they simply do not care about us. Many dehumanize their victims.

I don't think it is possible for people like us to ever fully understand the minds of those that intentionally harm others. In a way, I think that's a good thing. It means we are nothing like they are.

I think it would be helpful for you consider looking into the possibility of seeking therapy to help you process your childhood traumas, as well as this most recent trauma. I know therapy is helping me to understand the degree to which I was conditioned for abuse by my parents and other abusers during my childhood. Maybe it could help you, too.

I'm sending you thoughts of peace, rest, and friendship.

 

[Justmehere]

No I'm not in therapy as yet. I'm resisting it at the moment.

Do you know what is holding you back?

 

[WarOfRoses]

Do you know what is holding you back?

A few reasons I guess..

1. I'm struggling to accept that I have let another person get to me so much that I now need to go to therapy to get over it. He is going about his day as normal and I'm suffering all the angst after what he did to me.

2. I'm in a phase it appears a lot of others here were or are in at some point and that is the "just let it be and it will pass phase". I thought I could let time pass and deal with it myself but that's proving not to be the case.

3. I'm having strong revenge fantasies that I feel I would rather act out than let them push me to therapy. I feel this would help greatly to heal me. ( I'm not saying i will go through with it they are just thoughts for now).

4. I guess I'm also afraid of opening the floodgates to my past and it all comes flooding out.

5. A bit of laziness. This feeling I'm going through just sucks the life out of a person. I'm a shell at the moment. An automaton going through the most basic activities to maintain existence.

 

[Justmehere]

What really sticks out to me is a pattern of thinking that you believe you should just be over it by now, and if you are not over it and get help, somehow you lose and he gains.

Think about it this way:

Imagine if you were in a car accident, and broke your leg, and you told the paramedic, nah, I don't need help for my broken leg, I'll let time pass by and I'll think about getting back at him as the path to help my leg heal.

Probably wouldn't be the most effective path to being able to walk again, would it? That's basically the same approach you are taking to an injury to your mental health.

Maybe time to try something new?

Talking to a therapist doesn't mean you are weak or that you let him get to you. Nah, that's not how it works. Going to therapy means only that you are taking the steps to reclaim your health back. It's not a sign that you did anything wrong. It makes sense to be worried a lot will come up in therapy, but good trauma therapists will work with you to prevent flooding, and actually spend time at the start building up stability, toolkit, relief from symptoms before diving deep into any trauma. Might be worth it to think through a list of possible benefits of therapy, such as getting out of the pain you are in now.

 

[WarOfRoses]

What really sticks out to me is a pattern of thinking that you believe you should just be over it by now, and if you are not over it and get help, somehow you lose and he gains.

That hit the nail on the head.

I want to go back to normal and pretend this never happened. I'm not sure I fully accept that it has yet. I may be in a bit of denial at the moment. I also have bouts of "this was my fault because of X Y and Z" and "If I had have just done A B and C it wouldn't have happened. I isolate between it's my fault and no it wasn't how dare he do something like that!

What I'm also struggling with is did he single me out?.. peg me as weak?. I imagine my perpetrator being kind and respectful to others but then marking me as a person who he can toy with and humiliate.

I don't know why I feel that as I have suffered at the hands of a bully in power before. Only to see that same person leave many others in his or her wake.

Abusers always have victims in the past and will have victims in the future. I need to remember that.

I also read something on the narcissist personalty. When I use the term narcissist I'm referring to the kind that enjoys, and maybe even needs, to treat others unkindly in order to make their miserable lives worth living. I went something like this...

"you may feel like this person has gotten one over on you, but they have spent their whole lives building up these sick maneuvers to manipulate others. The best thing to do is cut them out of your life and move on".

It resonated with me. I was in a vulnerable position (Dr - Patient) I needed this person at the time. I'm not going to go into detail just yet, but I had no chance. I was ambushed. Dazed and confused at what was happening and he had built up the skills backed up by his position to attack while I was defenseless.

 

[Justmehere]

You don't have to accept what happened in order to go to therapy and gain from the experience and find relief. That's kind of putting the cart before the horse. Wanting to be better in order to get better.

Therapy is simply a tool to find relief. You can either keep doing what you are doing and getting the results you are getting or you can try something new and aim for better outcomes.

 

[I99]

That hit the nail on the head.

I want to go back to normal and pretend this never happened. I'm not sure I fully accept that it has yet. I may be in a bit of denial at the moment. I also have bouts of "this was my fault because of X Y and Z" and "If I had have just done A B and C it wouldn't have happened. I isolate between it's my fault and no it wasn't how dare he do something like that!

What I'm also struggling with is did he single me out?.. peg me as weak?. I imagine my perpetrator being kind and respectful to others but then marking me as a person who he can toy with and humiliate.

I don't know why I feel that as I have suffered at the hands of a bully in power before. Only to see that same person leave many others in his or her wake.

Abusers always have victims in the past and will have victims in the future. I need to remember that.

I also read something on the narcissist personalty. When I use the term narcissist I'm referring to the kind that enjoys, and maybe even needs, to treat others unkindly in order to make their miserable lives worth living. I went something like this...

"you may feel like this person has gotten one over on you, but they have spent their whole lives building up these sick maneuvers to manipulate others. The best thing to do is cut them out of your life and move on".

It resonated with me. I was in a vulnerable position (Dr - Patient) I needed this person at the time. I'm not going to go into detail just yet, but I had no chance. I was ambushed. Dazed and confused at what was happening and he had built up the skills backed up by his position to attack while I was defenseless.

Sorry to hear of this. Sometimes there are lots of question marks with bullying but Ive found for me it's a symptom of two things: (1) it's always a reflection of their sick character and without them existing you CANNOT be bullied; (2) although everyone has a right to be treated as an equal, the fact of the matter is sometimes I or others can play a part in provoking the bullying as in when I was a kid I'd be super aggressive to the wrong people or open up to them about my intimate stuff then receive a bullying response. I hope this is helpful man as it certainly isn't your fault regardless if he or she let's others be and specifically picks on you:)