Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Well, I have uncovered another trigger, only this one is offensive. I will have to work on it. :/

Two reasons for it. First is dad.

Second is Lauren. And I’m not even sure if she assaulted on purpose to be honest. That could have been a me-mess again. Hard to know, without being there, you know.

 

[littleoc]

Actually, I think I was wrong. I think that flashback was important.

 

[littleoc]

I’ll just write it.

It was my dad. I was home with him and my mom was away for the week. He got drunk, very drunk.

Or maybe my mom was there, and was upstairs, asleep? I’m not sure.

He went into the bathroom for a long time. When he came out, he was wearing my mom’s makeup, and her clothes. But he was drunk so it looked, you know, haphazard. He was stumbling around.

This part makes me laugh. He was slurring and being loud and scary, but he approached me and turned around and said he felt like a beautiful woman and he wanted to bond as mother-daughter and he wanted to try out the title “mommy.” He asked me to call him beautiful. I got mad at him and told him, “No, you were mean to me today.”

The next part isn’t as funny. He followed me around the house for hours. Screaming at me, throwing things at me, being shitty, then telling me out of the blue that I was a beautiful girl and he didn’t feel comfortable saying so, normally, but we’re both beautiful. He continued talking at me for hours trying continuously to have my approval. It scares me to remember.

He passed out drunk later. After talking on the phone to his friend Rob for hours. I kept trying to get his attention to tell him we were hungry.

My mom cooking while grumpy triggered the flashback, but I also remembered my ex at the same time.

Brandi would send me selfies and ask if she looked nice. I’d always be vague, because if I ever said I didn’t like something she did, even in a positive way, it ended badly. (Like, for example, “I don’t think those screaming skull earrings are a good idea for your job interview,” or, “I think your eyes would look better with less eye shadow, but as you know I’m facial blind and this is a new look I’m not used to yet, so it’s up to you.”) But when I was vague she would accuse me of lying and thinking that I felt she looked hideous.

Then she’d demand detailed accounts of WHAT about her face I liked, because she felt ugly. If I didn’t cooperate I’d be up all night dealing with her suicide threats.

I just remembered she turned that back on me once. I told her I was having a crisis and felt suicidal. She told me I was manipulating her and threatened to call my mother (I was an adult). I obviously told her not to. She replied, “That’s what I thought. Just trying to manipulate me.”

Upsetting.

 

[littleoc]

This is all feeding into several fears. One has been AMAB folks allowing their “feminine side” to shine through, and I HATE this. Hate it. I keep associating them with a serial killer. I feel horrible about this. And scared I’ll invalidate someone. I have trans women friends and I take them seriously. But the one I’m closest to is blind. Which means no selfies, no asking for approval. But at the same time that’s clearly not enough because I keep getting anxious and I HATE that.

And then there’s Lauren. I’ve said she sexually assaulted me but I’m often unsure if this was true. But, if she did, I genuinely feel that despite it being pre-mediated, she DID like me. The manipulation was uncool but maybe I shouldn’t have gone with it.

Or maybe I’m just remembering Brandi saying she didn’t believe me.

I still can’t make myself say what happened with Lauren. I tried to with a friend in person because it really was simple but I ended up just awkwardly changing the subject. I should write it sometime.

I did remove her from my friends/follows on all my social media accounts. My father only has a Facebook and I still haven’t managed to block him, but it’s but still progress of some kind.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[Ronin]

It's not transmisogynist to assume some trans women are predators, or in the very least predatory.

Nor is it transmisogynist to acknowledge some predators down to serial killers pose as trans women / drag / what have you.

Transmisogynist would be to insinuate all or most trans women are like that.

Or deny access to basic human rights & health services & the intersection of two to AMAB & CAMAB trans feminine people, on the basis of acts of a few.

Not feeling my place to comment further, since not a trans woman.

But I had some as abusers, others non-trans women perps being into both homicide and drag, and was assaulted with transmisogynist / transmisogynoir misdirected reasons - so get how these get complicated.

 

[Freida]

oh hun.

I had to wait to respond to this because it is just so wrong. The only thing worse is that you don't know it's wrong and that makes me so sad for you.

I spent twelve months to four years of age having minimal contact with my older sister, who was placed in the garage to live there instead of with the rest of us.

This is abuse.

I’m worried I simplify what happened too much on on hand.

I think you do simplify it. Because some part of you is still trying to minimize the abusiveness in your child hood

My mom still laughs about this with love, and i would change the subject quickly if she didn’t.

She allowed her children to be kept in cages and laughed about it.
WTF????
This is abuse

He followed me around the house for hours. Screaming at me, throwing things at me, being shitty, then telling me out of the blue that I was a beautiful girl and he didn’t feel comfortable saying so, normally, but we’re both beautiful. He continued talking at me for hours trying continuously to have my approval. It scares me to remember.

of course it scares you -- that had to have been freaking terrifying.
This is abuse.

I grew up fine considering I was raised mostly by him and a bunch of other cats who also died.

I thing you turned out amazingly well considering all you have been thru.

I know it's hard for you to see it as abuse because it is all you know, but it was. And to some point the dynamics in your home still are, You are doing a really good job of setting boundaries but maybe think about this.... Would you have to set those boundaries if the people around you weren't abusive?

By the way, I’ve started preferring they/them pronouns.

Stay on me about this because I don't want to forget -- but I will. So keep the feather duster handy :)

 

[littleoc]

I can’t take care of an entire other human. This is way too stressful. I need to SLEEP.

 

[Ronin]

Do that, Lil.

Can't care others without covering own basics, anyway.

 

[littleoc]

I don’t need to worry about it right now. I’ll figure it out later, and by then I’ll have a small speech rehearsed about how I can’t, and she’ll be sad but understand, I’m sure.

 

[littleoc]

You’re right, @Ronin. My brain has been in a fog again, maybe another seizure. I just suddenly came back online and was immediately seized by anxiety as soon as I examined someone odd in my memory. It’s probably not a big deal, just some blood. I can’t keep this up though. I’m too busy. She needs her own place, with some friends who understand her, and a nurse who’s job it is to see to her medical needs. Probably a therapist too. Not my deal honestly. I want to be separate from her so I can concentrate. I can’t concentrate. I’m just constantly worried she’s going to suddenly die on me at any moment, even when it wouldn’t be reasonable for that to happen.

 

[littleoc]

Very sure it’s just another urinary tract infection, and im just having an anxiety attack because I haven’t slept in a very long time and had a seizure, maybe, and she’s expecting me to take her out shopping tomorrow and I’m going to have to remind her how unsafe that is and say I have to do it. But I’ve been trying to go drive all week, and my doctor gave me an order not to but I’m trying to hide this illness from my mom because shes GOING to be weird about it either by telling me it isn’t real or getting over protective or both, and I’m exhausted. I wanted to go hang out with a friend today because my extroverted side is feeling crippled and I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t even make food. I struggled a lot today, and now suddenly I’m all here on Earth out of NOWHERE and I have so much to get done here, on Earth, in a house that is now clean enough to be better but there’s still clutter everywhere. I need to hire that therapist but I need to pay my student loans more. But she won’t save. Can’t, anymore, because disability doesn’t give you enough money to save. No health insurance. I need two thousand dollars. I need to have been training my previous service dog for three years. My mom’s life has been ruling my life since before I moved out and after I moved out and I need to SLEEP.