Sick ‘N’ Tired of being Sick ‘N’ Tired –Gotta Get It Out!

[anthony]

Hope, whilst this may seem like a bad thing, it is more likely a good thing. Now the door is open, lets deal with it hey?

 

[Boo-Damphir]

Something has dawned on me in the last 5 min. before going to bed. At the very least, I have spent the last two decades pushing people away and out of my life all because I couldn't believe the good that others would say about me, (instantly disregarded all and any of it) and my own self-esteem and perception was so shot and distorted. Just moments before attempting to go to bed, I feel so very sad.

I think it's terrific that you were able to recall this thought before going to bed and now talk about it! It's often as we unwind before sleep that our conscious gives way to the unconscious.
Two decades is a very long time, but not so long as to be unmanageable. I don't know that we ever get comfortable with others giving us compliments, but at the very least, smile and say "Thanks." You are not being conceited.
I think the most important exercise for improving your self esteem is to use the "yes, but..." reply to any negative self talk you are doing.
Here's an example of stuff that plays in my head:
(-) "You have been so lazy lately, not even getting dressed!"
(+) "yes, but I'm dressed now and have already done a load of laundry"
Try it and see if it doesn't help you feel better!

 

[goingonhope]

I think the most important exercise for improving your self esteem is to use the "yes, but..." reply to any negative self talk you are doing.
Here's an example of stuff that plays in my head:
(-) "You have been so lazy lately, not even getting dressed!"
(+) "yes, but I'm dressed now and have already done a load of laundry"
Try it and see if it doesn't help you feel better!

I had hoped to come home, re-read and practice this tonight Boo, with some of my examples as I read your post earlier and think it can be a very useful tool. Thank you. Will be taking a closer look at it tommorrow again when my brain is clear.

Tonight I'm suffering, and I just feeling like weeping. I listened to something tonight that really upset me. And, it's just kind of cluttered up my thoughts. I'm so frustrated with myself right now, as I just can't seem to think straight. I don't feel comfortable writing about it here, and I can't really think straight to know where to write about it, or how to say it. I'm finding myself staring into space and it feels like something just not working properly in my brain. I'll try to say it here but this is hard. A man said tonight that he once was going to fire his employee bc his attitude sucked. He went on to say that a women had been beaten to death by her husb. and his employee claimed he knew why, claiming it was because the woman drove him to it. And, he the employer had a much better attitude on this. Whatever....I could care less right now, all I know is I heard this and my brains not working now and I'm very very sad. I hate this f'n kind of attitude. I hate these people. I hate f'n morons. I was beaten almost to death by some f'n piece of sh#t, low-life piece of f'n sh*#. And, I hate her. I hate her so f'n much right now. And she spoke so proud, so damn proud. I'm balling my eyes out right in front of a comp. and I feel like a damb fool. Gonna go curl up.

 

[goingonhope]

Be kind and patient to yourself. I think you have been doing great.

Joanna thank you so much for these words of wisdom. I read your post again this morning and between you and Boo you've both helping me a great deal this morning get through what it is, I'm going through. Exposed some nasty trauma last night that is now causing me deep distress. I've been struggling this morning not to lose what feels like consciousness and to stay strong and at least half present as my anxiety have been trying to take control and call the shots.

Boo, that exercise works great. I imagine it will continue to as I continue. Thanks much!

Here's my efforts this morning, and giving life all I've got today as I do my best to do what's right for me, and most naturally my family.

Negative to the Positive:

I must be crazy! ...
• No, not really, given the trauma I've survived, in fact I'm remarkably normal.

My mother must have been right all along. I must be evil and rotten. ...
• Well, in fact, I'm motivated by good and I continue to have the desire to be good, and I'm forever willing to do my best to always improve my behavior and character. I must really be a good person. The people who've told me otherwise always seem to have some hidden agenda(s).

I am so f'n mean looking right now. ...
• Yes, I may look mean to some right now, but to others I appear as I really am, deeply distressed. This is all part of the human condition. I can Welcome myself again, as I'm truly alive and accept that my distress, revealed all over my face this morning, is in fact nothing more than deep pain that wants to find its way up and out. I will again be able to smile!

My anger last night toward my sister and toward people who justify viscious abuse and violence, reveals that I am nothing but mean or no damn good. ...
• No, rather it reveals that I am very much human and not the object that many would've liked me to believe I am.

 

[Marlene]

Hope,

Those are great! I've always heard that we are our own harshest judge and can be our own worst enemy when it comes to tearing ourselves down. I know that I'm bad for doing that. When it's your voice that you hear in your head that's doing the talking, it's harder to tune out and harder to discount. After all, who knows all of our dark places better than we do?

Boo, this exercise is something I'm definately going to try. When I realize that I'm putting myself down, I'm going to try and change it something positive. Of course, this may take a mental 2x4 upside the head to make it sink it. LOL But ya gotta start somewhere.

 

[goingonhope]

"yes, but..." reply to any negative self talk you are doing.

Hey! what do you know, I just looked, apparently even closer, and saw that your example Boo is a "yes, but..." reply. Next time I'll try it this way as originally suggested. :hello:

 

[goingonhope]

Negative to Postive:

"I have been so willing and ambitious, and so fed up with the dissociation (compartmentalization of self) Whew! and with my abrupt outbursts of my past pains & anguish disrupting my present daily life and that of those I love and want to love, forever and daily. I have been so deeply encouraged to get on with my work of healing from a life-time of trauma(s), that I am actively engaged in my own healing to such a point that other business in being temp. put on the back burner." "I must being doing something terribly wrong! :naughty: :think: :naughty:
yes, but I feel alive again, I have hope. Life's worth living, I feel good about the people in this world again, I'm much more interesting and less stone-faced, I can more often approach people and chat, I have some say and control over when my shit comes out and when it doesn't, I can actually approach and look women in the eye and listen with sincerity. After all is said and done, life can be fascinating and good.

 

[goingonhope]

Hope,

Those are great! I've always heard that we are our own harshest judge and can be our own worst enemy when it comes to tearing ourselves down. I know that I'm bad for doing that. When it's your voice that you hear in your head that's doing the talking, it's harder to tune out and harder to discount. After all, who knows all of our dark places better than we do?

Boo, this exercise is something I'm definately going to try. When I realize that I'm putting myself down, I'm going to try and change it something positive. Of course, this may take a mental 2x4 upside the head to make it sink it. LOL But ya gotta start somewhere.

That's it Marlene, you've said it....I've been told many, many times in my life that I'm my own worst enemy. You relate, huh.

Marlene have you tried Boo's "yes, but reply" yet? Now don't forget it....we get so busy in our lives that it's those new, helpful suggestions that our hard to follow. I find myself, continually falling backwards into ineffective habits, or just plain........default.

Feel threatened today by my anxiety, just taking off and taking me with it for a whirl. Families affected there's no doubt about this. Can fear I'm in a no-win situation at times. Life's just piling up. Tend to lose track of space and time when I pay attention to myself. Sometimes, just feel as though I should go back to completely forgetting myself and busying myself with the millions of life sh*# that presents itself. I'll say, I don't want to really do this, and thus far I won't, but the pressure from my husband, and now me to quit and "Get on, with the more important aspects of life." (house, home, husb., kids, family), is just overwhelming and seems so f'n unneccessary. Those respons. are not unnec., they're very imp., it's just that why burden me down with guilt and life's fear's and anxieties, when I'm already loaded down. I'd get everything down, and please everyone much more effectively, if our family could just accept reality, have faith and minus all the X'tra baggage: Guilt.....Fear's......Anxieties. I've been very effective (off & on) at accomplishing much and I believe I've spoiled my husband. Now this is not a good thing, but I've worked non-stop, hrs. upon hrs, no food or water, barely breaking for a cigg., multi-tasking, hard labor in the exhaust. heat, day after day, until extend. family have highly recomm. I stop, bc to them it looked as if I'd have a heart attack or drop right there before them. ........oh' then if I'm off which was a lot less frequent, I'd collapse, unable to think, feel, care, move, whatever...................

Apoligize to everyone for what feels like shameful, self-absorption, these days.

Best sugg. I can offer today is.....Whatever you're doing that works to bring you closer to your success, keep doing it.............and whatever you're doing that is interfering with your success.....stop it! :crazy: LOL

Anthony, pointed out something that I'd never considered before. That being, re-evaluating my definition of success and deciding what's success for me. Apparently, I've been kind'of hanging on to societies and other people's definition of success, and it's not working well for me.

Wish I knew a funny-a.s joke right now, so I'd lighten up a little bit.

Someone,....Won't anyone please, have a nice cold beer.... :occasion: ....for me right now? No make that two or three....:crazy-eye ...!

 

[Marlene]

Marlene have you tried Boo's "yes, but reply" yet? Now don't forget it....we get so busy in our lives that it's those new, helpful suggestions that our hard to follow. I find myself, continually falling backwards into ineffective habits, or just plain........default.

Default...yeah, I know that! I'm working on the positive reinforcement. It's probably going to take me writing it down about 25 times before it becomes a habit. I'm a tactile learner, so mental exercises are usually something that just don't sink in. :crazy:

 

[Boo-Damphir]

Dear GoingOnHope (love the name by the way!),
A couple of things struck me from reading your recent posts. The incident of the cavalier attitude of someone being nearly beaten to death seems to be a big trigger for you. Make a note in your journal under the heading, "Triggers." Personal violence is the primary trigger, the attitudes of others is a secondary trigger. You can't spin your tires on the attitudes of others but you can investigate your primary trigger. This can take the form of lengthy journaling whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, artwork or poetry to tap in to the emotions that personal violence brings to the surface. Little baby steps on this one, there's no "due date."

Another thing that seemed to surface is your feeling of being so overwhelmed with life and all its demands. You sound like a Type A controlling personality (takes one to know one:rofl: ) There's no way you can handle all of yesterdays issues, todays crises, and tomorrows possible dilemmas. Again, baby steps, bite smaller pieces. This is hard to do, but it can really help to reduce stress. "What can I do right now to fix it?" If the answer is "nothing" move on to the next challenge.

When you mentioned something to the effect that it would be easier if you just stopped worrying about yourself; that doing so was only adding to your burden - did this seem like an easy solution? I ask becuase it's a great tactic when we want to avoid something.

You are getting so close to really taking a big step forward in your healing process. All the turmoil and struggles are your brains' last ditch attempt to keep the wall up around your PTSD issues. Once that reaction becomes exhausting and a burden... give it a few more pokes with a stick and you'll be ready for the next step :poke:

Hang in there, narrow your focus, journal or whatever method serves you best so you can keep things sorted out and categorized in a place less crowded than your overworked brain :thumbs-up You are doing GREAT!

 

[goingonhope]

Hang in there, narrow your focus, journal or whatever method serves you best so you can keep things sorted out and categorized in a place less crowded than your overworked brain :thumbs-up You are doing GREAT!

Boo when I saw your post I was thrilled. Just happen to find it and read when I very much needed help and support. Thank you so much. Even the compliment about my username, I appreciate........bc I so much like it too. I haven't been able to respond any early than this, have been reading chiefly in the general chat section as it takes far less energy and effort from me. You've offered me much great suggestions above, and I think you're right about the Type A controlling personality. Again thank you, Boo.

Tonight having a b*#tch of a time. Really, really hard, so much within demanding my attention. Saw my mother part of this day, and I'm both angry with her and depressed as all hell with myself. Feel like I'm messing up big time even though I'm not doing anything in the present terribly wrong (I just can't get to perfection). Most, if not all is from my past and I'm having great difficulty separting the two, past from present.

In addition to this, I read one closed thread that pissed me off. And, I'm glad it's damn closed, bc what a bogus attempt to fk with someone's head, and provoke guilt................so absol. bogus and disgusting. I think an apology is due.

May have just put my finger on some more personal triggers. And, guess what, I don't mind being triggered, bc despite how I already felt tonight, even before the BS I have hope, as long as I do my best and do the right thing.

 

[goingonhope]

Part of my story very condensed and simplified

Some of the reasons I’m so sick and so, so tired. Gotta’ get this out tonight. As it's leaking out in my daily affairs. Part of my story, condensed and simplified. Nothing in fact truly simple about my story.

There once were three of us young girls, all sisters, all terrorized. Mother a bus driver, father a butcher.

One day at about 5 yrs. old, father wants me to perform oral sex on him so badly that he gets me alone in our bathroom, shows me what he’s made of and proceeds to stuff himself upon me. One particular evening as I lay asleep in bed about 4 or 5 yrs. old, same man, my daddy, approaches my bedside, attempts to sweet talk me, attempts to persuade me to let him put his hand beneath the blanket, beneath my underwear ect. When I attempt to protest, hushing me, redoubles his efforts and trying to convince me it’s all ok. When I make noise he takes his bull-ass hand, the size of a monsters hand and covers my mouth, practically covering my face. Something, whatever is was woke my eldest sister, she calls out loud for my mother, he threatens her, she dives off the top bunk, he chases her and either threatens to or beats her. She is blamed by him and he claims he’s doing his fatherly job of disciplining her for her misbehavior. - simplified

Daddy o’ boy loved knives, the bigger, the sharper, the more intimidating, the better. He erratically and on many occasions entertains his wife and 3 very young girls by pacing and chatting away, on how powerful, dangerous, deadly his knives can be and how effectively they are in slaughtering his bulls, animals, ect. His stories most horrifying and detailed, I know he was at least able to pull my mind with him right into the slaughter house and butcher shops. He seems to jollies in roaming and going about quickly and swiftly sharpening his blades, each knife layed out upon our dining room table, he moves toward us and exclaims, “One of you might just die in this house tonight. Will it be you tonight?, as he turns to my mother. Or, perhaps one of the kids, as he glares at us in his monstrous stare. And, he was a monster when he was in this condition. The height, size and build of him and most especially the instant change in mood or manipulative personality, he was capable and apparently willing. His threats, terrorizing and head games were not contained to our home. He’d take them out into public. Memories of him stomping on the hood of our car, climbing upon its roof-top, coming down over the windshield and banging while shouting rotten vulgarities to my mom and us girls, and all in order to make us let him in. Again, he’d change abruptly. One minute we were his darling family, sweet little girls, mom the one a fault, and the next moment we were his bit*#es, his c*#ts, ect. There was us 3 girls hiding in the close quarters of our bal ked. Me curled up, petrified, and truly feeling so f’n terrorifed that I could barely move a muscle…while he pounded, yelled and smashed through the bal ked window. And, again his changing words, his innocence turning fiercely to murderous rage. The attic and any barricaded room or corner would do to increase our probability of surviving. - All simplified.

My mother did her best to protect us, and I nearly 6 yrs. of age, Mom moved us girls away to another state. He and her had bought another house and the agreement was he keeps the one in that state, she gets the one in this state. She left him behind and moved the 4 of us females into a old summer house, desperately in need of winterizing. I lived there for pretty much the next 20yrs. It was in app. 73’ that she met a man whom she claims she fell in love with. Why on earth, I’ll never know. Those 20yrs. were degrading, crippling and hell on earth.

A brief summary: Chiefly my middle sister and I, but not entirely, because the oldest was soon off doing her thing, we were exposed to some of the dregs of society, in my many quite painful observations. In addition, we were exposed to some of the illest and most severe cases of mental illness. I was not spared nearly any conversation regarding these people, their condition, drama, insanity, ect. Prior to age nine I was chased and beaten by mother with belt. From 9 to 12 I received many a blow to the back of my head after being threatened, chased, and pinned belly first head pulled back. I was told regularly, when you least expect, expect it. Walls, ceilings, and floors were torn down and sawed apart, quite literally. On different sides and corners of the house, the inside was, opened up and left exposed to the elements, with only plastic for walls. Cobwebs two feet from nearly every ceiling became a part of the décor and didn’t seem to bother adults much. A pot belly black stove was placed in house and fixed with aluminum pot belly stove pipe running from one end of house to next and up. With few to no walls left remaining and stove improperly set-up, over a short period of time the entire content of house was covered in black heavy soot and remained for years. Eldest sister was molested by mom’s lunatic boyfriend and later blamed by mother. Middle sister and I were psychologically tormented daily. I was particularly chosen as the object of mom’s lunatic boyfriend’s obsession. This obsession being (get her, break her, remove the threat, do what every must be done to attack her from every facet of her being). This continuing on over years created such a variety of ’out of this world’ experiences for me that the story is too lengthy to tell as little of it can be grouped together with similar reoccurring experiences. Few examples are: My punishment for his inadequacies and insecurities - strip down naked and run around the house a dozen time in the snow. Another, cut the cord of refridgerator, wrap it around freezer and door handles, hold onto the remaining piece and antagonistically hand it to me as I return from school and say, “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don’t you, don’t you….now fix this sucker, huh.” An yet one of many more, as I awaken to use bathroom in the middle of the night I’m approached by this worn, fat, slob of a man in his bright red bikini underwear and told that I must join him on the kitchen floor while he sorts through the piles of garbage that he’s dumped there from different barrels within our house. Oh’ yeah, dude, I’m interested. Right! Now get the fk away from me. On and more…..All very much simplified.

I simply can only share a small part. Couldn’t share and get out any of this if I did anything other than to leave an enormous amount out. I’d be burnt toast at the end. …………so, really hoping this is ok to do, to share and get this sh#t out because it’s all erupting presently on the inside.

Now I wish this wasn't makin me so sick and disrupting my thinking so badly tonight, but it is and I simply can not find focus tonight, without first getting this out.