I've decided to continue Sharing here, Expressing and Getting out the many other people who once either lived with us (FOO), or were extended family memb.'s, or were related in such a way as to visit and too frequently. Here goes:
As I've told about earlier, there was my, let's say, step-brother, (if you believe in common wealth marriage). He is my step-dad's:
......depressive son with severe drug addiction and a manic depressive diagnosis, *scared the b'geezee's out of me, my sadness, shock and the fear and suspense of what he might attempt next.
Well,
J***** J*, Everything, !
.....deteriorated and progressed, over the yrs. and before my eyes, into one frighteningly indigent and spiritually bankrupt type of guy. His progression was shocking to me.
Once a young 18yr. old, attractive, very smart young man, he became shockingly disgraced. The incidences of depraved acts, as well as, progressively unfolding mental illness took over and in charge of his life.
That there is another story......,
[......which I and being the youngest was fully aware of. (I felt and witnessed his progression unfold from my age of 6/7 to about 25 yrs. old. Not only bc I was not protected from 'All That Was Openly Said', but also bc there was an indifference, complete lack of regard for me, and what felt like my mother's perverse desire to afflict me with her negative controlling beliefs that the world was nothing more than completely awful, to dread and to become knowledgeable, by her, of the truth (her truth). She just knew and attempted to make sure I knew too, and she strove to inform me, time and again, of this:
'Nothing absol. Nothing but illness, depression, grief, heartache, helplessness and hopelessness exists, and will ever exist, for each memb. of our family. Her almost, if not daily message for me: Don't bother trying! Don't bother hoping! You'll be fooling yourself. ] ,,,,,,
So back to and in regards to step-brother, J***** J*. He found a girlfriend and got himself an apartment with her and her 3yr. old son. And, he's the little one that I remember visiting our house, seeing, thinking about how cute and adorable he was, and wondering, (while only in my elem. yrs.), Does he really belong to them? How do they take care of him? I thought. I observed them talk and behave derangedly, and thought to my disgust and horror, he's going home with them.
While playing tot games with this little boy, I looked into his eyes and saw his vulnerability, his innocence and experienced the presence of God. He was beautiful, a lovely little darling, playful kid, and I fell in love with this little boy, just like anyone might do having been so fortunate as to meet yet another beautiful creation of God. I grew intently interested in his well-being and so over mo.'s and yrs. I asked about him time and again.
Mom answered my questions for me, and many times, whether or not I'd ask first. In those early yrs. my mother had to drag me along to J***** J*'s apt. with her to give him money, talk to him, get his stuff for him if he was presently in an institution, and/or get him out of trouble. I'd go along and sit, observe, listen and absorb.
To make a long story short, this little boy was being given drugs, given alcohol, and though first the pot was blown in his face, for the adult moron's laughter, soon after this kid was taught to later smoke his own joints, even taught how to roll them, talk the language and approach my eldest sister requesting, "Do you have any marijuana, that I, J***, and my mom can have. This was all before the age of 6yrs. old for him, and at age 4, this little guy was and more than once, convulsing on the livingroom floor of his Mom's apt. I know this bc I'd overhear my step-brother giggling, chatting and bragging about how interesting it was to watch this little boy convulse and when not as seriously affected, to watch him beg and plead and tantrum, demanding that he too get just another hit off the joint they were smoking, more swigs from their drinks and who knows what else.
Right now I'm remembering a conversation J*****, J*'s was having and how, it was hysterical to tell this kid No more, wait it out and watch. I'd talk with my mother about what I'd heard, and she say, Yes, it's all true! When I questioned her about the convulsions her answer was, Yes, real convulsions.
Why TF, did No one IMMEDIATELY step in to protect this ............(sobbing),
OMG, I hurt so much right now. Not complaining. It just feels so good to cry right now, but my God, I do wish I could reach out to that little kid again.
And, if it was then, again right now..........and, I know it's not right, and probably not even fair, but I'd slap my mother across her face for her nonchalance, casaul and sickenly disgusting attitude and directness to me about this enorm. loss and abuse to, and in the life of this very precious little boy. Words, cannot express how badly I felt about it all. Everything, Then, it just all pointed straight at me coming to the belief: Every single adult family memb. in and surrounding this family, and a family I don't even want to admit I know, they're nothing more than stupid, ignorant, incompetent, ..............................,
.................................................,
morons
!
Of course, I doubt I had the words then, but when this same nonchalance and the continuing rotten abuse occurred time and again in, around and with others whom I loved dearly, and as well as to myself, ....over many, many yrs., .........well then is when I first developed these words, as part of my vocabul. 
