• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sick ‘N’ Tired of being Sick ‘N’ Tired –Gotta Get It Out!

Status
Not open for further replies.
Hope, no one, especially here, will tell you that you deserved your trauma. You didn't deserve it. It's not your fault, it was theirs.
God I hope you're right Nam ....and I should know veiled that we're all here to support one another and no one's going to lay judgement, but I don't in this frame of mind. I've really got to thinking that there is something about trauma anniv. as I desperately found this forum in Oct. and it's now Dec. and I had three huge consecutive traumas occur during these months and all in the same yr., one being the rape that I ment. another when I was almost successfully beaten to death and another when a man threatened to knife me into little bits and pieces. I really don't know what I'm doing tonight. I'm into something... that I simply do not know how to get out of and I need some relief soon.

Thanks Nam and Veiled for your support. Thank you!
 
Hope, don't put excessive pressure upon yourself. It takes time to heal, and the only thing you can do during it, is find as much patience as you can in order to give yourself the time to work through it. The box is open, and it must be healed. Healing is a result of working through everything, learning, and time. If you beat yourself up over not healing fast enough, your just adding more issues to your list.
 
What do we do with depression?

Just so depressed tonight. Don't even know where to begin to cope with the rest of this evening. I'm a new to acknowledging depression. What is it? What does it look like? How does it manifest itself in you? What do I do with it? How do you function when you have to, and still be depressed? How do you figure out what's causing it? Does being depressed mean that I am doing something terribly wrong or just plain bad and in fact unworthy? How do I know I am depressed and not instead being punished by God and being provided with some lesson that I'm suppose to learn from? Is something I'm doing wrong, causing my depression? Should I be taking medication? Sorry to sound like such a nuisance, it's just that tonight I'm sitting with a head full of confusion and questions and no answers or solutions. My focus and concentration is shot; Short-term memory shot. Can't seem to think straight for long, for the last couple weeks....Just so depressed and angry with myself and fearful tonight. Feel so weak and like a big pain in the ass to everyone. Not particularly asking these questions of anyone now, just spouting them out. There all here in my head. If anyone does have a few thoughts on this subject it would be helpful though. Do apoligize for not being upbeat, funny, spirited all that good stuff tonight. Hope my depression passes soon, bc though I'm not in the habit of admitting to having it, have certainly lived with it. I think myself :stupid: in even writing and admitting to all this.
 
Depression

After finding myself so confused, in so much denial and ignorance surrounding depression, in early Dec. I gathered together much info. on this subject and put it altogether for myself into a Powerpoint presentation, which is just about complete. Now I can just open it up, click, click, click and feel good about myself and what I personalized & designed. And learn, while hoping to imbed this new info. in my head at the same time. Knew I had to do this bc of my enorm. denial and my stereotyped presumptions and misconceptions, of what depression is.

As a kid, and the youngest of everyone, both untreated and ill-properly treated, depressive people with all their DEPRESSION surrounded me and it felt as though it threatened to swallow me up. In fact, it did have quite a powerful affect upon me.

There was the obsessively hateful, selfish and cruel bastard who walked into our lives for nearly 20yrs., oh' and he happened to have a diagnosis of Manic Depressive disorder, which was always the excuse for the bastard that he was. It took me yrs. to figure out that many people with this disorder are good people. That him having this disorder, had nothing whatsover to do with his manip. visciousness selfishness and cruelty. He just happened to be the ultimate in A'sho'es, and have this condition. *Our confusion, my frustration, the terror, my disgust and repulsion and the rage, indifference and hatred, he provoked in me.

Then there was his depressive daughter, diagnosed with schzoiphrenia, *And my feelings of nervousness, sadness and pity shifting to fear, depression, horror and shame.

......and his depressive son with severe drug addiction and a manic depressive diagnosis, *scared the b'geezee's out of me, my sadness, shock and the fear and suspense of what he might attempt next.

......and his other daughter w/ a M.dep. condition, who happened to be extrem. cruel like her father, *had respected her for surviving life w/ her father until she tried to railroad me into state mental institution all bc I accid. overdosed on a handful of pills while surrounded by just Horrible and extreme Negativity.

......and then my mother suffering much depression, *my lonliness, neurotic guilt, shame and frustration

......my drug addicted sister, and all her new lovers, IMHO, fr.... she brought home (real strange type people) *I felt disgusted, angry, fearful and was full of self-pride

....my other sister (most likely suffering PTSD) and depressed and suicidal at the age of 9. *Always felt an awful grief and sadness and guilt that I couldn't have been there for her.

OMG, and then the others....I won't even go there, bc I'm not sure it's ok, or even near normal to express myself, as I have been above, like this here. And besides, remembering them gives me the some real willies and creeps. yuck.
 
OMG, and then the others....

......some real willies and creeps. yuck.
:frown:
......and, my depressive aunt. o' how observing her, her family and their lifestyle ever scared the b'geezee's out of me and was an ever CONSTANT reminder of how powerless and impotent I was to do anything to help those innocent children. I was a child myself, but they were far younger than I, and needed someone within the family to be responsible and stop that most severe neglect and the abuse. It deeply saddened me to visit with my Mom and see the filth they were being raised in. The dirt and grime which remained all over their little faces and bodies, and the foul smell. The entrapment within their rotten playpen until they were app. 4 1/2 yrs. old, the many obstacles as to why they couldn't go out and breath the fresh air, and in a lovely, woodsy, neighborhood, too. The embarrassment others and myself felt when aunt would continually wear filthy rotten bra as halter top, out into public and at least once even into the grocery store. I could speak for mo. upon the depravity, fright and our horror, of all the drama, the images, words and foul smells which were Tragic, for those kids, and seemed so damn' unneccessary. I once loved those kids, my cousins, and knew nothing of how to help them and stop their suffering.

......my uncle and his kids and my experience and witness, and all the repulsive stories too, all contributed and valid. my most fearful visions of how untrustworthy and/or rotten, I was re-assured, poor people must be. Now as an adult, I can most obviously see that poor has far less, perhaps little to nothing, to do with it and being mentally disturbed and wretched far more.
 
Hope, you are doing well getting this out of you. I say keep going, let it out.
 
Hope, do you think your presentation will help others? If so, please send it to me and I will convert it into a flash presentation and put it within the learning centre.
 
Now feeling a nervous wreck. OMG, this bites....

There was the obsessively hateful, selfish and cruel bastard who walked into our lives for nearly 20yrs.,..

*Our confusion, my frustration, the terror, my disgust and repulsion and the rage, indifference and hatred, he provoked in me.
Had a most bizarre and horrible nightmare last night with this guy in it. He was there with the rest of my family and I, at a beach, formulating and directing some cruel and nasty behaviors towards me. My other family memb. were partaking and when I was at my most horrified they were smiling, laughing and having fun....that man, my mother's boyfriend, he'd motivate them all and then could often be seen standing back and observing with a smile and the appearance of much joy. When they slowed down and got distracted from the abusing, tormenting and terrorizing me so, he'd simply join-in, and re-motivate. Now this was only my nightmare last night, but my God, the dynamics most familiar, frightening and once again revealing to me.

Facing this day today, with him on my mind a great deal....nervous and dealing with intrusive memories of him, his nature, his threats and visions of his face, while I'm trying to live in the present, with children today and their many needs ....Feeling frustrated, stress is building and just plain afraid and haunted by memories of this man today.

Ending and will be extra careful...... as needs and life, with all it's constant demands and interruptions, doesn't stop for anything and I'm beginning to feel real angry. Losing it right now, and I can't say how badly this f'n feels and sucks. Ouuchhh'
 
and then the others....

I've decided to continue Sharing here, Expressing and Getting out the many other people who once either lived with us (FOO), or were extended family memb.'s, or were related in such a way as to visit and too frequently. Here goes:

As I've told about earlier, there was my, let's say, step-brother, (if you believe in common wealth marriage). He is my step-dad's:

......depressive son with severe drug addiction and a manic depressive diagnosis, *scared the b'geezee's out of me, my sadness, shock and the fear and suspense of what he might attempt next.

Well, J***** J*, Everything, !
.....deteriorated and progressed, over the yrs. and before my eyes, into one frighteningly indigent and spiritually bankrupt type of guy. His progression was shocking to me.

Once a young 18yr. old, attractive, very smart young man, he became shockingly disgraced. The incidences of depraved acts, as well as, progressively unfolding mental illness took over and in charge of his life.

That there is another story......,
[......which I and being the youngest was fully aware of. (I felt and witnessed his progression unfold from my age of 6/7 to about 25 yrs. old. Not only bc I was not protected from 'All That Was Openly Said', but also bc there was an indifference, complete lack of regard for me, and what felt like my mother's perverse desire to afflict me with her negative controlling beliefs that the world was nothing more than completely awful, to dread and to become knowledgeable, by her, of the truth (her truth). She just knew and attempted to make sure I knew too, and she strove to inform me, time and again, of this:

'Nothing absol. Nothing but illness, depression, grief, heartache, helplessness and hopelessness exists, and will ever exist, for each memb. of our family. Her almost, if not daily message for me: Don't bother trying! Don't bother hoping! You'll be fooling yourself. ] ,,,,,,

So back to and in regards to step-brother, J***** J*. He found a girlfriend and got himself an apartment with her and her 3yr. old son. And, he's the little one that I remember visiting our house, seeing, thinking about how cute and adorable he was, and wondering, (while only in my elem. yrs.), Does he really belong to them? How do they take care of him? I thought. I observed them talk and behave derangedly, and thought to my disgust and horror, he's going home with them.

While playing tot games with this little boy, I looked into his eyes and saw his vulnerability, his innocence and experienced the presence of God. He was beautiful, a lovely little darling, playful kid, and I fell in love with this little boy, just like anyone might do having been so fortunate as to meet yet another beautiful creation of God. I grew intently interested in his well-being and so over mo.'s and yrs. I asked about him time and again.

Mom answered my questions for me, and many times, whether or not I'd ask first. In those early yrs. my mother had to drag me along to J***** J*'s apt. with her to give him money, talk to him, get his stuff for him if he was presently in an institution, and/or get him out of trouble. I'd go along and sit, observe, listen and absorb.

To make a long story short, this little boy was being given drugs, given alcohol, and though first the pot was blown in his face, for the adult moron's laughter, soon after this kid was taught to later smoke his own joints, even taught how to roll them, talk the language and approach my eldest sister requesting, "Do you have any marijuana, that I, J***, and my mom can have. This was all before the age of 6yrs. old for him, and at age 4, this little guy was and more than once, convulsing on the livingroom floor of his Mom's apt. I know this bc I'd overhear my step-brother giggling, chatting and bragging about how interesting it was to watch this little boy convulse and when not as seriously affected, to watch him beg and plead and tantrum, demanding that he too get just another hit off the joint they were smoking, more swigs from their drinks and who knows what else.

Right now I'm remembering a conversation J*****, J*'s was having and how, it was hysterical to tell this kid No more, wait it out and watch. I'd talk with my mother about what I'd heard, and she say, Yes, it's all true! When I questioned her about the convulsions her answer was, Yes, real convulsions.

Why TF, did No one IMMEDIATELY step in to protect this ............(sobbing),


OMG, I hurt so much right now. Not complaining. It just feels so good to cry right now, but my God, I do wish I could reach out to that little kid again.

And, if it was then, again right now..........and, I know it's not right, and probably not even fair, but I'd slap my mother across her face for her nonchalance, casaul and sickenly disgusting attitude and directness to me about this enorm. loss and abuse to, and in the life of this very precious little boy. Words, cannot express how badly I felt about it all. Everything, Then, it just all pointed straight at me coming to the belief: Every single adult family memb. in and surrounding this family, and a family I don't even want to admit I know, they're nothing more than stupid, ignorant, incompetent, ..............................,
.................................................,
morons !

Of course, I doubt I had the words then, but when this same nonchalance and the continuing rotten abuse occurred time and again in, around and with others whom I loved dearly, and as well as to myself, ....over many, many yrs., .........well then is when I first developed these words, as part of my vocabul.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top