How am I supposed to do this?

[Ash_3]

No matter how I look at it, no matter what choices I ultimately make, I am not met with a sense of peace. I now fully understand the scope of my childhood and the parents that I did not have and will never have. While I make these choices for the betterment of myself, the future ahead of me is bleak. Everyday will be a challenge for me. I have to work harder than so many people around me just to feel happy and recover from something that I didn't choose. I was an innocent child, stunted before I was even able to speak. Everything that I knew about how to live and survive in this world is a lie and getting to a point where I have a better understanding of how to cope with the trauma so that the world seems less intolerable is so daunting and I just don't want to do it. I tried so hard for it all to just come crashing down. None of it was ever my fault, and I don't want to reparent to myself it's just too much. I practically raised my younger sister and I was my mother's care taker for my entire life and now the burden of getting myself to a place of happiness is on me and I just am tired of the responsibility. It's too much to handle I'm only 23. I'm trying to finish school, I'm trying to act like my life didn't just shatter before my eyes, and I'm just really tired of it all. I feel truly alone in this world at this time in my life. Yes I have friends and the semblance of a support system, but they can only do so much because they aren't actually my family and most of this shit goes beyond what they can even help me with. Im tired of doing the hard work, Im tired of having no one to offer me care and affection. I'm tired of crying and grieving alone. I wish I could just cry in the arms of someone I can trust and know that no matter what they'll be there for me.

 

[ladee]

I relate to everything you shared. The hurt, the anger, the loneliness, wondering what hope looks like and am I going to have to do that by myself too??

Pretty sure anyone reading your post will understand how you are feeling. And sometimes this is a very lonely journey. Mine was partly that way because trust was ruined at such an early age. We really aren't sure what trust looks like or how it feels. Or at least I didn't.

I'm sorry you have looked up and this is your life. More work, more being alone, and more not having others understand the work you have to do. I do understand.

You have come to the right place tho for support and understanding. And cyber-hugs aren't exactly what we need, but on the bad days, sometimes that truly is enough because we know someone is hearing us. Someone hears, understands, they'be been there, are there now, or headed there.

We only have to do this healing thing one tiny step at a time. Baby steps. Rest. Process. Rest. and another baby step.

I know it feels hopeless and not doable. But it is possible. This forum is full of people, including myself that are taking baby steps to figure out our lives.

I can't get you that real-life hug you want and need, but I and others here can offer you hope. And support. And celebrate the good days and the achievements you never thought you would make.

You are not alone. Someone here, many 'someone's ' are going to relate and be present for you.

Glad you are here. It takes courage to tell people how you feel and what you need. You are not alone.

 

[Hopeful3000]

No matter how I look at it, no matter what choices I ultimately make, I am not met with a sense of peace. I now fully understand the scope of my childhood and the parents that I did not have and will never have. While I make these choices for the betterment of myself, the future ahead of me is bleak. Everyday will be a challenge for me. I have to work harder than so many people around me just to feel happy and recover from something that I didn't choose. I was an innocent child, stunted before I was even able to speak. Everything that I knew about how to live and survive in this world is a lie and getting to a point where I have a better understanding of how to cope with the trauma so that the world seems less intolerable is so daunting and I just don't want to do it. I tried so hard for it all to just come crashing down. None of it was ever my fault, and I don't want to reparent to myself it's just too much. I practically raised my younger sister and I was my mother's care taker for my entire life and now the burden of getting myself to a place of happiness is on me and I just am tired of the responsibility. It's too much to handle I'm only 23. I'm trying to finish school, I'm trying to act like my life didn't just shatter before my eyes, and I'm just really tired of it all. I feel truly alone in this world at this time in my life. Yes I have friends and the semblance of a support system, but they can only do so much because they aren't actually my family and most of this shit goes beyond what they can even help me with. Im tired of doing the hard work, Im tired of having no one to offer me care and affection. I'm tired of crying and grieving alone. I wish I could just cry in the arms of someone I can trust and know that no matter what they'll be there for me.

We cannot give up...

 

[Farine]

@Ash_3 ,
In some ways, writing a reply is not doable. Or at least one that matters at the level where the sequestered heart is.. my heart still tries to go out. My heart still wants to speak. So I put words in my phone that re-present what my heart wants to say. All the while knowing trust takes time.

I am 53 almost 54. My adult daughters are 21 and 19. I did the job your parents .. failed to do. I know the gig intimately. And now, engineering myself out of the ROLE, I am wandering about inside of my life with oversized maternal love.. I am sure my heart will settle on someone to pour out into .. someone who will benefit from an emotionally healthy relationship which celebrates growth and sees the soul above all else. And my point in writing to you as my heart desires is to urge you to believe there are more good hearted, loving women about the right place in life to take the slow, exacting process to earn your trust. To be dedicated to being about you instead of somehow twisting it to be about themselves. I know these people exist... cuz I am one. God bless!!

 

[Klanala]

I began stuttering around age 3 and had speech therapy/ treatment from a psychologist. The advice given to my parents- stop the perfectionism. They did not. I am now 59 a retired RN and trauma survivor. Your post resonates with me. My father and mother now must accept my no contact rule and me not accepting my half of any inheirtance. I will file a deed of variance at the right time. My brother gets it all. Dysfunction must stop. Perhaps that is a lesson from all this.

 

[Friday]

I just am tired of the responsibility. It's too much to handle I'm only 23. I'm trying to finish school, I'm trying to act like my life didn't just shatter before my eyes, and I'm just really tired of it all. I feel truly alone in this world at this time in my life. Yes I have friends and the semblance of a support system, but they can only do so much because they aren't actually my family and most of this shit goes beyond what they can even help me with. Im tired of doing the hard work, Im tired of having no one to offer me care and affection. I'm tired of crying and grieving alone. I wish I could just cry in the arms of someone I can trust and know that no matter what they'll be there for me.

I looooooooove “I’m tired“ lists!

Especially if I can manage to write them down right when I’m in the thick of it... because? Flip it around & those are GOALS lists. Those are things I actually want in my life, and can start taking steps to achieve them.

Just as an example? Starting with your first... tired of the responsibility = I would like less responsibility in my life, in XYZ areas = a whole helluva lot of different possibilities to shift responsibility off your shoulders, for awhile, or permanently. It sounds like your mom & your sister are no longer your responsibility, but that alone wasn’t enough? There’s a huge array of jobs that take care of day to day living requirements, and pay you for the privilege of doing so. Everything from working on a cruise ship (can quit whenever you like) to enlisting in the military (Nope, that’s a felony to decide you’re done & walk away), to volunteering with a Habitat for Humanity type gig where it’s as short as a few weeks or Peace Corps for a year or more. Not looking for a job, but still want daily life sorted for you? Someone to do the cooking, cleaning, arrange activities, be on call for your every need 24/7? I -personally- am far more fond of all-inclusive resorts than inpatient hospital stays, and they cost roughly the same, but they both do all of that. And whilst I’m skipping over dozens of options at each of these stages in other people taking care of daily needs in exchange for work or cash/credit.... all the way at the other end of the spectrum is “f*ck it” and being a beach bum. Most people would find that end of the spectrum even more stressful than what they’re currently dealing with, but it’s still an option, and not necessarily a bad one depending on your personality & preparation.

 

[Teawitheggs]

I’ve noticed that I feel the way you’ve described you feel, just tired of it and unsure if I can do any more things, right before a breakthrough. I’ve birthed five children, and during my natural birth labours, there came a telltale point where I- along with many women- said out loud, “I can’t do this anymore!” That’s the cue midwives use to quickly be ready for the full emergence of the baby.

In my life, I’ve seen this pattern repeated in myself. Ten yrs ago, I privately had a meltdown in the woods feeling totally defeated, wondering how I was supposed to carry on when it seemed like every little thing I “fixed” just got smaller and harder to detect while it continued it’s journey of destruction in me. I called it my mental-emotional shrapnel. I thought it would never go. But “dilution is the solution to pollution” (~Ina May), and those problems became so dilute over time that they really did just go.

I have lots left- LOTS! But whenever I am coming into that part of the cycle of healing where I believe I just can’t do it anymore, somehow I remember the birthing process pattern, and while it doesn’t take away the despair and hopelessness I feel at those times, it does feed the waning faith I have in Life and carries me through to the breakthrough where I feel renewed and ready to take on the next thing.

I didn’t have enough experience with healing to know this when I was in my early twenties; you are lightyears ahead of where I was, in recognizing the work ahead of you, and I know that doesn’t necessarily alleviate your real and warranted angst and pain, but I just wanted to tell you that you do have time, there is no rush, and you have the right to go at your own pace. You don’t have to fix everything, and you don’t have to fix it all at once either. May you be blessed in your healing journey.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I began lisping as a kid. My teacher referred me for speech therapy. I was happy to go...it was a lot of fun. When my lisp got more pronounced, my parents pulled me out of speech therapy. My father would make me repeat everything over again.....if I made a mistake.... I learned to say yes as.....uh huh, May I please...became May I go...... and I stopped talking around them.

I began stuttering around age 3 and had speech therapy/ treatment from a psychologist. The advice given to my parents- stop the perfectionism. They did not. I am now 59 a retired RN and trauma survivor. Your post resonates with me. My father and mother now must accept my no contact rule and me not accepting my half of any inheirtance. I will file a deed of variance at the right time. My brother gets it all. Dysfunction must stop. Perhaps that is a lesson from all this.

 

[SeedMan]

I looooooooove “I’m tired“ lists!

Especially if I can manage to write them down right when I’m in the thick of it... because? Flip it around & those are GOALS lists. Those are things I actually want in my life, and can start taking steps to achieve them.

Just as an example? Starting with your first... tired of the responsibility = I would like less responsibility in my life, in XYZ areas = a whole helluva lot of different possibilities to shift responsibility off your shoulders, for awhile, or permanently. It sounds like your mom & your sister are no longer your responsibility, but that alone wasn’t enough? There’s a huge array of jobs that take care of day to day living requirements, and pay you for the privilege of doing so. Everything from working on a cruise ship (can quit whenever you like) to enlisting in the military (Nope, that’s a felony to decide you’re done & walk away), to volunteering with a Habitat for Humanity type gig where it’s as short as a few weeks or Peace Corps for a year or more. Not looking for a job, but still want daily life sorted for you? Someone to do the cooking, cleaning, arrange activities, be on call for your every need 24/7? I -personally- am far more fond of all-inclusive resorts than inpatient hospital stays, and they cost roughly the same, but they both do all of that. And whilst I’m skipping over dozens of options at each of these stages in other people taking care of daily needs in exchange for work or cash/credit.... all the way at the other end of the spectrum is “f*ck it” and being a beach bum. Most people would find that end of the spectrum even more stressful than what they’re currently dealing with, but it’s still an option, and not necessarily a bad one depending on your personality & preparation.

Friday, I REALLY like the way you use "I'm tired" lists as springboards for the next step forward. I can see why you're a moderator. You know your stuff and you communicate it well :-)

 

[Ash_3]

Thank you for sharing. This was exactly what I needed today, it touched a part of me that I wasn't expecting and gave me a lot of hope and encouragement. Thank you.

 

[rusty_maestro]

100% agree with you on everything. I am learning to voice my needs, it felt awkward at first but the more I do it the better it feels. Ask and you shall receive hasn't felt more true then now. I make use of that alone time and loneliness to stop and look inside and check in with myself and figure out what is it that I need today. Those lonely time can be filled with so much richness if we know how to take advantage of it.

I’ve noticed that I feel the way you’ve described you feel, just tired of it and unsure if I can do any more things, right before a breakthrough. I’ve birthed five children, and during my natural birth labours, there came a telltale point where I- along with many women- said out loud, “I can’t do this anymore!” That’s the cue midwives use to quickly be ready for the full emergence of the baby.

In my life, I’ve seen this pattern repeated in myself. Ten yrs ago, I privately had a meltdown in the woods feeling totally defeated, wondering how I was supposed to carry on when it seemed like every little thing I “fixed” just got smaller and harder to detect while it continued it’s journey of destruction in me. I called it my mental-emotional shrapnel. I thought it would never go. But “dilution is the solution to pollution” (~Ina May), and those problems became so dilute over time that they really did just go.

I have lots left- LOTS! But whenever I am coming into that part of the cycle of healing where I believe I just can’t do it anymore, somehow I remember the birthing process pattern, and while it doesn’t take away the despair and hopelessness I feel at those times, it does feed the waning faith I have in Life and carries me through to the breakthrough where I feel renewed and ready to take on the next thing.

I didn’t have enough experience with healing to know this when I was in my early twenties; you are lightyears ahead of where I was, in recognizing the work ahead of you, and I know that doesn’t necessarily alleviate your real and warranted angst and pain, but I just wanted to tell you that you do have time, there is no rush, and you have the right to go at your own pace. You don’t have to fix everything, and you don’t have to fix it all at once either. May you be blessed in your healing journey.

I appreciated you sharing that. I surely feel like that right now, ended an 18yrs relationship. Didn't want more stress in my life anymore. Now what? Single, unemployed, ptsd, addiction. That was not on my vision board. Feeling lost, don,t know what direction to take, I live in a very small town. Town triggers me, need to move, but where? I can say I had it easier before but I will keep that in mind, the breakthrough is coming and I will be ready.